Miles From Kara (15 page)

I adjusted beside him, not wanting to discuss Maggie right now. “Um . . . well . . . I might go to an ultrasound appointment with Maggie.”

Colt's fingers stopped mid-motion in my hair. “Is that a good idea?”

“I don't think it's a big deal.”

“Kara.”

“What? Why does everyone keep acting like I can't control my emotions when it comes to Maggie?”

“It isn't that you're unable to control your emotions with Maggie. It's the way you talk about her baby that gets me worried. And who else has objected to you going to the ultrasound?”

I sat up, reaching beside me for my dress. “What does it matter?”

“Are you really not going to tell me?”

“Why are we fighting over this?”

“Who's fighting here? Not me. I'm simply asking you a question.”

I sighed heavily as I stood up and yanked my dress over my head. “Tori and Rose.”

“Your boss and your therapist both agree that you shouldn't go to this, and you're still considering it?”

I shook my head. “No—wait, Rose isn't my therapist.”

“Right. The person you see to talk out your problems while
learning
disagrees?”

I crossed my arms and looked away. “And now I'm done with this conversation.”

“Kara—”

“It's been a long day.”

Colt stood up, slipped on his boxers, and walked around to me. “Don't get mad. I just care about you. And I think they do, too. We don't want to see this hurt you.”

“It won't.”

“Okay. Don't leave. Let's watch a movie or something. All right?”

I released a breath. I could tell Colt was trying to redirect our evening, to stop the fight before it officially started, but all I wanted to do was scream that this was all ridiculous. Why was everyone freaking out about the ultrasound? I looked at Colt, his eyes soft, and I felt my resolve faltering. He only cared. “Okay.”

Colt dressed, then took my hand and led me into the common room, my heart and mind a million miles away. I shouldn't go to the appointment. Everyone I knew thought it was crazy, which should mean something to me. But I knew no matter what they said, no matter how much I knew it was wrong, I would go anyway.

***

I parked my car outside the place where Maggie would receive her ultrasound, still unsure of my decision. I had no idea why I was so excited, why I craved to see Addie so badly. Clearly, some part of me was tying this to my abortion, but my brain justified my actions, saying that it didn't matter. I had it under control. Everyone else was wrong. The problem was I could justify most everyone's thoughts, because none of them knew me. Not really. They knew pieces of my story, not the whole. No one . . . except Colt. And I couldn't get his voice out of my head, telling me this was wrong. Questioning my decision.

Maggie sat in the waiting area when I arrived, her stomach so large, she had her magazine propped up on it. I laughed as I walked up to her. “You look ridiculous.”

She shifted in her seat and grimaced. “I feel ridiculous. My feet are beginning to swell and I can't shake this pain in my hip. I'm ready for this to be over! Delivery can't be as bad as this.”

I nodded my head. “Oh, it can. And it is. I've talked to enough of my aunts to know.” Then seeing Maggie's eyes widen, I realized maybe I should have filtered just a bit. “But, you know, it's all over very quickly, and everyone says you forget about it as soon as you see your baby, anyway. Speaking of, how's little Addie doing?” I placed my hand on her tummy, remembering what Maggie had said about her never kicking when someone wanted her to, but then all of a sudden I felt a tiny push against my hand, then another.

My eyes flashed up to Maggie. “Was that . . . ? Oh my God,” I breathed. “That's . . . amazing.”

Maggie grinned. “Wow, she never kicks. She must like you.”

“You think so?” I placed my hand on her belly again, but before Addie could prove her love for me, the nurse called Maggie's name. “Are you sure it's okay that I come back?”

“Absolutely,” Maggie said, reaching for my hand.

I felt a surge of nervousness and excitement in my stomach, like I was doing something I shouldn't be doing. And I guess I was. Tori would flip if she knew I was there. I began to work through possible excuses in my mind. I never disobeyed anyone. Not a teacher, not a boss, not my parents. So why now? Why couldn't I let this go?

The nurse led Maggie into one of the ultrasound rooms, and then the ultrasound tech came in and had Maggie pull down her maternity shorts just a bit, so she could squirt some clear ultrasound goo onto her belly. The tech turned the viewing monitor toward me, and I considered telling Maggie that I needed to go make a call, something to get me out of that room. I stared with apprehension at the black screen. I wondered if perhaps the screens weren't as clear as I had imagined, when suddenly Addie appeared, moving around, her tiny eyes closed, her hands clenched in tight fists. I stood up and walked over to Maggie.

“Oh . . . wow. She's so beautiful, Maggie.”

Maggie beamed with pride. “She is.”

The tech began to check a few things for her chart, but all I could do was focus on the screen, on tiny Addie and how real and wonderful she looked. I wondered if my baby would have looked like Addie. Or if maybe it would have been a boy. I began to imagine my baby on the screen, moving around and breathing and looking like the most perfect thing in the world. My heart swelled with happiness, and I reached down for Maggie's hand. I knew I shouldn't be there, shouldn't grow so attached to Maggie and her baby, but I couldn't help myself. I saw Maggie as my do-over, my chance to do what was right, and regardless of what anyone else said or thought, I planned to see Maggie through. Just as I planned to see my relationship with Colt through, despite Ethan's accusations. I was strong. I could handle the complications of Maggie and her baby. And I could handle the complications of falling in love with my ex-boyfriend's roommate.

I just hoped my heart could handle it.

“Kara, I need to see you.”

I glanced up from the paperwork I'd been filing in the back of Helping Hands to find Tori towering over me, her hands on her hips, her demeanor full of aggravation.

Uh oh. “Um, sure.” I dusted my hands on my shorts and pushed myself to standing. “There's a pound of dust on this bottom shelf. I can dust later if you want.” When she didn't respond, I knew I was in trouble. I could always count on Tori to smile or laugh, but since she did neither, it made me doubly uneasy.

I followed her down the hall to her office, and she shut the door behind us, before going to sit at her desk. She never closed the door to her office. Tori was an open, free-for-all sort of person. For her to shut the door meant this wasn't just bad; this was horrible.

“Do you plan to explain yourself?”

I glanced around frantically, hoping for a clue as to what she might be talking about. It had been over a week since I went to the ultrasound with Maggie. I thought for sure if she knew about that she would have called me out by now, so I began to run through my other tasks from the last few work days. Maybe I'd forgotten someone's paperwork or sent a patient to the wrong psychiatric office, but I couldn't think of anything. “I'm sorry, Tori. I don't know what this is about.”

She lifted her head, her face showing every bit of her anger. “I received a phone call today from Maggie's father. Do you want to know why he called?”

“Of course,” I said, nodding. “Has something happened to Maggie?” Was she or Addie hurt? Had she gone into labor?

“He called to ask why one of my employees took it upon herself to take Maggie to her ultrasound appointment without telling him!”

I closed my eyes. Crap. “Oh, Tori, I—”

“Enough excuses. I realize that you've grown close to her, and it's my fault. You're the only young person here, and I knew she needed someone she could feel comfortable talking with. I didn't realize that you would grow so attached. But enough is enough. You are no longer allowed to see Maggie, here or outside of Helping Hands. I realize that I'm not your parent and I can't tell you what to do on your own time, but I cannot jeopardize this center. If I find out that you're placing yourself in the guardian role of this girl one more time, then I'm sorry, Kara, I will have to let you go.”

My mouth dropped open from shock. I had never been fired from a job in my life. I had never so much as gotten a disapproving look at school or at any of my part-time jobs. I was always the perfect employee, and now . . .

I wanted to argue that I hadn't taken Maggie. I had just shown up. That her dad was overreacting, that he didn't care like he should, but then a voice in the back of my mind whispered that if he didn't care he wouldn't have called the center. Clearly he cared.

I drew a long breath, feeling defeated. How had I allowed this to spiral so completely out of control? “You're right. And I'm sorry. I know you asked me to separate myself from her before. I guess I've just grown attached, like you said.”

Tori shook her head, her anger dissipating from her face. “You're very good at your job, Kara. I've had countless teens come here and request you by name. You just need to remember that this is a job. You have to separate your emotions from your work. I know that's hard. But you need to learn that lesson now if you plan to pursue clinical counseling as your profession.”

“I know,” I said. “You're one hundred percent right. Again, I'm so sorry.”

“Look, if she stops by, feel free to pull her aside and just tell her that you feel the relationship has grown too close. I'm sure she'll understand.”

Right
.
She's a sixteen-year-old girl. She will feel that I've abandoned her.
But I didn't say any of that to Tori. She was angry enough, and she was right. I knew that. I just didn't know if I could do what she wanted me to do. I cared about Maggie and Addie; despite everything, I cared. I couldn't stop caring just because Tori had threatened to fire me.

***

I left work four hours later, tired from filing all day, but I didn't want to go back to the apartment. I decided to drive out to Waterfront Park instead, hoping that I would catch Olivia there. She liked to go out on the pier most days, just to stare out over the Cooper River and think, as she said, but really, I knew she went there to mourn the friends she'd lost in the fire. She was healing, but that didn't take away the pain.

I parked my car and got out, taking my time to stroll around the pineapple fountain, and then down the wooden pier where, sure enough, Olivia sat on a bench, her legs outstretched, her focus a thousand miles away. I wondered if I should leave her alone, allow her to grieve in peace, but I needed her right now, and something told me she needed me, too.

I stopped a few feet away from her and it took several seconds for her to glance over. “Kara?”

“Hey,” I said. “Do you mind if I . . . ?” I motioned to the bench, and she pulled up her legs, crossing them so she was sitting like a five-year-old. Crisscross applesauce. I smiled as I thought of how many times she and I had sat just like that on our beds back at Liberty, our dorm, talking about nonsense. I missed those days. They felt simpler than these somehow. I started to ask how her day was going, when I caught the expression on her face. Olivia was never especially bubbly, but she almost always looked content and happy. Today, she just looked . . . lost. “Are you okay?”

She started to nod, then stopped herself. “No, not really.”

“What is it?”

Tears pooled in her eyes and she blinked, trying to push them away, but they refused to remain contained. And then the floodgates were open and she was crying and talking, the words blending with her tears. “Today's Trisha's birthday, and I just . . .” She shook her head again and cleared her throat. Trisha was Olivia's best friend. She died in a fire that Olivia narrowly escaped. “I guess I thought I was okay, but then I woke up this morning and all I wanted to do was tell her happy birthday, but I can't. And then I started wondering if her birthday still counted now or if she's gone so it's gone, and somehow that made me even sadder.” She wiped away her tears with the heel of her hand. “I'm not making any sense, am I?”

I tried to find a tissue or something in my bag, but came up empty. “You're making perfect sense. I'd like to tell you that this day will get easier, but I'm not sure it does.” I thought of the day of my abortion, about how I would remember the date for the rest of my life. “And I think that's okay. It's okay to be sad sometimes, ya know? It's okay to miss her today. You wouldn't be human if you didn't miss her today.”

She sniffled, and I knew she was trying to rein in her tears. I wanted to tell her to let them fall, but we were alike in that way. I understood that sometimes tears were private.

“So, what made you come out here?” she asked.

I smiled a little. “I was actually hoping to find you.”

She leaned back against the bench. “Is everything okay?”

Like Olivia, I started to say yes, because that's what we're trained to do in the South. Someone asked how you were doing? The answer was fine. Somehow asked if you were okay? The answer was yes. Smile through the pain and all. But Olivia and I were beyond that. She was my best friend, and if anyone was open to hearing what I was truly thinking, it was her. So instead of saying yes, I started in on all of it. Maggie. My attachment to her and Addie. Rose and her opinions, which had Olivia laughing. Tori threatening to fire me. And then finally Colt . . . and Ethan.

“Yeah, he called Preston before he got here.”

“He what?” I half screamed. “And Preston didn't think to warn me? Remind me to kill him the next time I see him.”

She smiled. “I think Preston was hoping you would talk to him. He thinks . . .”

I sat up. “He thinks what?”

Olivia shrugged. “I guess he thinks you're diving in a little fast.”

“You mean with Colt.”

She grimaced. “Don't be angry at him. He's just worried about you.”

I leaned back into the bench and pulled my legs up close to me, tightening my arms around them so I wouldn't feel so exposed. Just days ago, everything in my life felt perfect and right, and now, it was all unraveling before my eyes.

“I'm not mad. I just . . . I guess I just don't understand. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I care about Colt. So what if he was Ethan's roommate. Does that really matter?”

“No,” she said, and I felt my insides rejoice. God, I loved Olivia. But then she added, “It doesn't matter, but it does complicate things.”

I turned to look at her. “Do you think I leave when things get tough? Do you think I'm that weak? That I'm the kind of person who steps back when things are hard instead of standing tall?”

Olivia reached out to take my hand. “I think you're the bravest, most honest person I know. I just think you're confused right now, and you have a lot going on, which makes it that much harder to see the situation—or situations—clearly.”

I thought of my Clarity candle. Clearly I needed a second one or maybe even a six-pack to clear up the fog in my life.

“Do you still have feelings for Ethan?” Olivia asked tentatively.

I drew a breath, forcing myself to think about the question before I answered. “No.”

“And you love Colt?”

It was my turn to shrug. “I feel like I do. Everything's just so intense with him. Forget tingles. I have tripped-out butterflies going crazy inside me every time he's around. It's just . . . a lot. Plus, he agrees with everyone else about Maggie, and that scares me a little. What does that mean?”

“It means that he cares about you. And I care about you, which is why I have to say . . . I agree with them, too, Kar. I'm sorry. Don't be angry. I'm sure there are girls who have abortions and never think of it again, but that isn't you. You've let it eat away at you for all these years, and now you have this girl in front of you who you think you can fix. That you can somehow make your mistakes right through her. But you can't, Kar. You can't change your past through her.”

I opened my mouth to argue with her, to defend my sanity, but closed it back. Tori and Rose I could take. They were adults, wiser, able to see things that we couldn't see in our youth. But Colt and Olivia saw it, too. Which made me feel like my parents were right . . . about all of it. I tried to remember when I'd veered off course, when I'd decided to become this wreck of a person, or maybe I never decided to become this way at all. It, like so many other things, just happened somehow. “I can't leave her,” I finally said, because it was the truth. How could I leave this girl now that I was so invested in her life?

“I still remember my mom's face when I told her I was pregnant, and I know that if I had fought her on the abortion she would have kicked me out. I would have been Maggie. How can I let her do this alone?”

Olivia pointed at me. “See that? That's the problem. First, she isn't doing it alone. She has her dad. And second, you're nineteen, Kara. You can't be the one to help her, regardless. And if she starts leaning on you too much, she won't find the strength she needs to do this on her own. You need to step back. For her . . . and for yourself.”

I peered over at her. “But . . . what if I can't?”

“Then I think you're walking into a disaster.”