Mind Gym (21 page)

There’s no correct answer to the question of how much praise we should be giving. In most situations, we don’t communicate enough praise. If any of your answers have given you pause, then, like most of us, you could be in need of a bit of praise appraisal.

A vice president of an investment bank (let’s call her Valerie) admitted that she never told people when they had done something well. Her reason? “That is what they’re paid for,” she explained. If they were doing a satisfactory job, Valerie’s argument suggested, it seemed unnecessary to praise them. Perhaps the word “vice” in Valerie’s job title referred to her bad habit of not praising, because the view from the people who worked for her was likely to be quite different. They don’t know when they’ve done a good job because no one tells them. In search of approval, they keep trying new approaches, often ignoring successful ideas for others that have less chance of working.

The number one reason why we don’t praise people is that if someone is doing something well, we assume they already know how we perceive their work; therefore, there is no point in telling them.

A second significant reason is we somehow imagine that praise undermines us. Valerie imagined her team would think less of her if she congratulated them. She felt expressing praise would suggest that she had low standards and was easily impressed. In fact, many highly respected people are very generous with their praise, largely because they don’t feel threatened by the people around them. Praising is a sign of confidence, not weakness.

The third significant reason is perhaps the silliest. Basically, we feel praising people can be embarrassing. We worry about making someone feel embarrassed. And if a person feels embarrassed, so do we. Certainly praising people can be awkward if handled badly. For example, it’s best not to shout “You were a tiger last night!” when your significant other drops by the office to join you for lunch. So, what you really need to do is learn how to give praise effectively.

The rest of this chapter is devoted to how to offer praise effectively and includes some techniques for using praise’s alter ego: counsel (which is also known as constructive criticism). If you can master praise, you are less likely to offend and more likely to make a helpful difference.

Choosing the right moment to praise someone makes a significant difference to the impact that praise has on the recipient. Ideal times to give praise are . . .

In the broadest sense, when you praise minor achievements, you should do it immediately; otherwise, it will look like a bigger deal than it is (e.g., “Thanks so much for making me that delicious cup of tea a week ago last Thursday”). With more significant matters, praise carries more weight when you convey the praise a few hours or days later. This suggests that you have thought about what the person has done and aren’t just giving an automatic response.

If you are expecting something in return, then the praise is greatly devalued and may even have a negative effect.

A passing remark that a person can’t hear or can pretend to ignore is a waste of effort when it comes to praise (for example, when they are watching their favorite TV show or leaving the house in a hurry).

This isn’t essential but it does reduce the chance that they—and you—will be embarrassed. Equally, if the praise would be increased by the approval of others, then a more public setting is absolutely appropriate—a meeting at work, a group lunch, or a team get-together might be better (e.g., “You might not have noticed her efforts, but Zoe is our unsung hero”). Consider the activity being praised and where the praise is best suited.

You might be wondering why all this praise is necessary. Other than the fact that it makes you feel good to say nice things about your teammates, employees, or friends, does praise actually benefit you? Here are four reasons why you should praise more people, and more often:

1.
It works
.
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There is a strong correlation between telling people that they have done something well and them repeating that behavior. Nothing else you can do has such a predictable impact on how someone will behave in the future. Not only that, but telling that person what
not
to do can have all sorts of unpredictable consequences. So, if you want to change someone’s behavior, this is by far the best way to begin.

2.
Absence makes the heart grow weaker
. Some people have enough confidence to know when they’ve done something good without anyone telling them. The rest of us need guidance on how well, or badly, we are performing; otherwise, we become confused about what we should and shouldn’t be doing. In some areas (such as athletics), our performance can be easily measured, but in real life (as a parent or as a good friend), it’s more difficult to assess. Praise is a powerful way of letting others understand how they are doing.

3.
Love is in the air
. An environment where people give one another appropriate and authentic praise is usually a good one to live and work in. People tend to feel warmly toward one another, and when things go wrong, they are more likely to help out than to criticize.

4.
Give and you shall receive
. When you give praise, you are more likely to be liked. We tend to think well of people who are positive about others and even more so if they appreciate our strengths. Plus, praise is infectious. If you give it, you will probably find that other people start praising too, and some of their positive comments will be directed at you. What goes around, with praise, tends to come around.

There are times when a quick “Nicely done” is sufficient. However, if you want the impact of praise to last and you want a good chance at changing how a person does things in the future, then you would do well to follow the five-star praise model.

Give yourself one star for each of the following that you typically do when communicating your praise:

If the praise isn’t given immediately, then it will help the person if you describe a bit about the incident you are talking about. For example, “That dinner we had in your home—when was it? Last Thursday? Yes, that’s the one.”

The more specific the praise, the more effective it is.
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By just saying “Thanks for the report; it was great,” you are not giving the person anything they can use and apply in the future. Was the report great because it was long, had pictures, started with a succinct summary, included questions for the reader to answer, or what? The best praise focuses on specifics. Again, find a balance. Simply telling the host of that dinner (in the previous example) “Great food” might not be enough. But telling her “I particularly liked the infusion of rosemary that seeped through the succulent lamb like the soft scent of early dusk in the savanna of my adolescence” is clearly over the top.

This is the part that motivates. When people understand the positive consequences of their behavior, it’s a big incentive for them to repeat the good things they did. Again, a balance needs to be struck. Overstating the impact (e.g., “You saved my life by preparing such a wonderful meal”) will sound fake, and your praise will have significantly less impact—if any—because it almost sounds like you’re mocking the situation.

This makes the person feel really good about themselves and/or their actions. You might say, “I have to compliment you. Not only was dinner delicious but to get that many interesting people together and make sure they were all served at the same time, as well as engage in conversation as the host, is simply impressive. That’s organization and attention to detail at its finest.”

This is usually the beginning, middle, and end of praising. It has a role but if it’s all you do, you get only one star.

When your praise earns five stars, you know you’ve done it right. It takes practice. But it’s not like we all don’t have a bunch of people in our lives who deserve some praise right now.

Think of a couple of situations in which you might praise someone, and think about how to give them the full five-star praise effect. Jot down the suggestions and confirm: Does the praise seem real? If it feels fake, think about another way of making your points.

If you can’t find anything to praise, then of course it’s possible that there isn’t anything the other person is doing well. However, it’s far more likely that you simply aren’t looking hard enough. If someone is usually late, then praise them on the one occasion when they arrive on time, or if they deliver something when they said they would, or even, possibly, when they are less late than usual. And don’t forget to mention the beneficial impact this punctuality has.

If you want to positively change someone’s behavior, praise is more likely to work than criticism.
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Nevertheless, some situations require you point out when someone is not doing a job well and what you want that person to change. For this, you’ll need to turn to praise’s constructively critical alter ego: counsel.

Consider this conversation:

“I think I’ve done enough on this project and I should move on to something new.”

“You know, I wonder if you’re resilient.”

“Of course I’m resilient. What are you saying?”

“Only that you’ve been on this project for less than a month. If you can’t stick with a client, you’ll find it much harder to build the relationships and revenue needed to get promoted.”

“Yes, I know that. Obviously.”

This example is a high-risk approach to constructive criticism. On this occasion the criticism worked (the restless person did stay on the project and changed his behavior, and he was promoted as a result). The criticism succeeded only because the person whose resilience was in question had a strong relationship with, and respect for, the person giving the counsel. If the counselor’s relationship was less strong, then they may have received a response like “I have staying power when I think a project is worthwhile and this one sucks,” which would, of course, have sent things spinning off in the wrong direction. Giving good counsel can greatly help by allowing you to share your concerns and the other person to do something about them, but it can also backfire with disastrous consequences. The challenge is to criticize effectively. Here is how:

It is painful receiving criticism. The only time it feels acceptable is if you believe that the person giving it has your best interests in mind. So, if you want to prove a point, put the other person firmly in their place or criticize for any reason other than wanting to help the other person improve, the chances are the conversation will turn ugly. Don’t think they won’t notice your motives, because they will. If you’re lucky, they’ll surrender; if you’re unlucky, they’ll bite back. So, before you offer unsolicited advice, make sure you know that you are doing it first and foremost to help the other person. Sure, there may be a benefit for you too, but for the duration of the conversation, any thoughts of your personal gain must go on the back burner.

Similar to the five-star praise approach, the five-star counsel system is the best way to offer help and support, and keep the risk of true conflict to a minimum.

The first thing to do is set up the scenario you want to talk about. If you are confident the other person has a good idea what you are about to say, you may choose to start with a question: “What do you think the other guests thought of you at last night’s dinner?” It is better if you can get the other person to acknowledge the issue because it will make the conversation feel more like collaboration than an attack. The risk, of course, is that rather than replying, “You’re right; I think I got a bit tipsy and may have overstepped the mark,” they might say, “They loved me; I was tremendously funny, the life and soul of the party.” If you think the latter response is more likely, it’s better to provide the context up front: “I want to talk about what happened last night at dinner.”

Giving someone unsolicited advice on what they need to do differently means challenging their identity. Self-perception is something we all protect vigorously. Telling someone she missed the turn is specific and not up for argument: Either she missed the turn or she didn’t. Telling her she’s a bad driver, however, is general and will most likely provoke a confrontational response. The second star you can give yourself is for being specific in your criticism. The more specific and objective you make your argument, the better. Saying “As Molly told us about her trip to Egypt, you tapped your spoon repeatedly against your glass” is more likely to create a conversation, whereas “You rudely interrupted Molly’s story by shouting and banging on your glass like a crazed chimpanzee” is more likely to start an argument.

For your counsel to have the right effect, you need to be clear about the impact of the behavior. For example, one person might consider showing up at work ten minutes late as being pretty much “on time.” It’s only when the possible impact of this is explained (e.g., irritated clients or appearing lazy in front of the boss) that the point about lateness may be appreciated and treated more seriously in the future. In a social—instead of a work—context, a counselor’s statement might look like this: “The danger in being late is that it might turn people off. They won’t invite us to dinner anymore. Then you’ll be stuck with me every night.”