Authors: Sebastian Bailey
Mind Gym (17 page)
a. things are done correctly. _____
b. the other people involved feel good as well. _____
c. I’ve achieved something difficult. _____
2. I really dislike it when I feel that I am doing something . . .
a. unprofessional. _____
b. unpopular. _____
c. boring. _____
3. It would really bother me if I lost . . .
a. my independence. _____
b. my allies or friends. _____
c. my get up and go. _____
4. I love having time to . . .
a. do something properly. _____
b. get to know people better (or get to know new people). _____
c. take on new challenges. _____
5. I like . . .
a. being allowed to get on with things. _____
b. being in the thick of things. _____
c. being in charge. _____
6. I most appreciate praise when it . . .
a. comes from an expert. _____
b. comes from the heart. _____
c. comes from results. _____
7. I am at my best when . . .
a. I’m working out the solution to a difficult problem. _____
b. I’m helping others. _____
c. I’m under pressure to deliver. _____
8. I value . . .
a. freedom. _____
b. friendship. _____
c. excitement. _____
9. The best decisions are made . . .
a. based on the facts. _____
b. collaboratively. _____
c. quickly. _____
10. My motto is . . .
a. “If a job’s worth doing, it’s worth doing properly.” _____
b. “Treat others as you would like to be treated.” _____
c. “Just do it.” _____
Ready to find out if your guess was right? Add up your points from each option,
a, b
, and
c
, and enter the totals here:
a:
Professional = _____
b:
Carer = _____
c:
Driver = _____
Why aren’t adapters included? Because they are an even mix, which you’ll know by looking at your totals for
a, b
, and
c
. Consider it this way: If your point totals for
a, b
, and
c
are each between 22 and 44, then you are an adapter. (For example, if your totals are
a
= 37,
b
= 35, and
c
= 28.)
However, if your points in any one category total more than 45, then you are most likely that type. (For example, totals of
a
= 23,
b
= 24, and
c
= 53 would indicate that you are a driver.)
If no category has a total over 45 but one category is under 22, then you are a mixture of two types. (For example, if your points are
a
= 41,
b
= 41, and
c
= 18, then you are a mix of professional and carer.)
Now that you’ve learned why and how your motivational style can connect or clash with others’ motivational styles, you can start to approach your interactions with others keeping their motivations in mind, as opposed to assuming they need to adapt to yours. Approaching people in this way will lead to longer lasting, more productive, and more fulfilling relationships.
GIVE YOUR MIND A WORKOUT
We do what we do based on our motivations. We get better at the things we do often. In this way, our motivations quickly become our strengths. But here’s a twist. Some psychologists believe that weaknesses are often strengths taken to the extreme. Your motivation toward action becomes the strength of directness. But taken to an extreme, you turn out to be dictatorial. Your motivation to care becomes the strength of supportiveness, which taken to an extreme becomes smothering. Your motivation to be thorough becomes the strength of analysis, which taken to an extreme becomes nitpicky. So, if you understand your strengths, you can also understand your weaknesses, at least how others perceive them.
1. Divide a sheet of paper into four columns.
2. Reflect on your strengths. In the first column, list your greatest strengths, those that you demonstrate both at work and at home. If you’re finding this hard, ask others how they would describe what you’re best at.
3. In the second column, identify your weaknesses by writing what each of your strengths would look like if it were taken to the extreme. For example, confidence could become arrogance.
4. Now, anticipate extremism. In the third column, write down when you are most likely to take a strength to the extreme and make it a weakness. Is it during conflict? During times of stress? When you’re in charge of something? Learn to anticipate the situations when this is most likely to happen so you can avoid it.
5. Write in the fourth column what you can do when you feel a strength might become a weakness.
1. Try to spot the various motivational styles. Choose two people in your life. The first choice should be someone you have a close personal relationship with and whom you think doesn’t share the same motivational style as you. Your second choice should be someone at work, whom you don’t see eye to eye with.
2. On a sheet of paper, write down two things that you dislike about the styles of each of the two people you chose. Follow that with two things you value about their styles. Then, put yourself in their shoes and do this step again, this time thinking about what they would dislike and value about your style. (This will help you understand that there is no “best” style.)
3. Now, flex your style. Go back into this chapter, where we discussed “How to Get the Best from . . .” and intentionally approach your two choices of people in a manner suitable to their motivational styles. Pay special attention to how they respond to you, then write down the differences you notice from how they responded to you previously. You’ll be shocked at how quickly this exercise can elevate your relationship.
Persuade Others
Y
OU KNOW you’re the right person for the promotion. Now you need to convince your boss.
Your sister is in an unhealthy relationship. You’d like to urge her to move on, but are your arguments compelling enough?
You have an idea that could help your company gain a new customer base, which could bring the company big bucks. Do you know how to communicate your idea?
There’s a simple truth about the human species that most of us tend to forget. Basically, we all believe we’re right. As self-serving as that may sound, the power of persuasion isn’t simply about personal gain or manipulation. How do you persuade a loved one to avoid dangerous behaviors? How do you persuade a friend to reach their potential? And even though persuasion can be used for personal gain, it’s also necessary for survival—to get jobs, keep customers, and steer your life in the direction you want it to go.
In jobs, in friendships, with family, and in love, it seems that while some of us are very good at persuading, others are not. What makes one politician so likable while the other grinds at your patience? What makes one salesperson so good at making you believe you need a product you’ll never use? Why is it that some people always seem to be the most beloved person in the room—they’re charming and overflowing with charisma wherever they go? Do you want the person you like to like you back? Persuasion is the key. It’s a powerful tool you can use to get what you want out of life, and to help others get what they want out of life.
This part explores the power of persuasion. It offers insights and tools that will teach you how to persuade others on three levels.
First, you’re going to learn about influence. In “Win Hearts and Minds,” you’ll read about the nine tactics of influence and how to use them. You’ll discover which tactics you are already good at and how to improve your use of the tactics you’re not so good at. These can help you win at work, strengthen relationships, and get more out of what you want in life.
Second, in “Impress Everyone,” you’ll find out about impact words that can change the way people receive you. You’ll learn about storytelling, the power of asking the right questions, and how to increase your charisma in the real world, to make more friends, create closer bonds, and instill and communicate trust.
Finally, the last chapter in this part, “Give Great Feedback,” will take you even further into the realm of your persuasive potential. You’ll learn how to remain likable and charming even if the information you need to communicate isn’t the most positive. You’ll find out how to properly and effectively praise and recognize people—a powerful tool in motivating friends, children, and team members. And you’ll discover how to handle some of life’s stickier situations, like how to be honest without being brutal.
We all want and need people to like us and respect our opinions. This is the go-to part of the book if you want more friends, want more respect, or simply want to be heard.
Persuasion is powerful. Use it wisely. Those who master it often change the world around them.
Win Hearts and Minds
M
ost of us have heard that a cat is supposed to have nine lives, and we know a pregnancy lasts approximately nine months. But we are largely unaware that there are nine primary tactics used to influence other people. Why, then—like a tourist who repeats the same words louder each time a local doesn’t understand—do we try to influence others with just a few ineffective methods? Sure, we make small tweaks or cosmetic changes to these approaches, but our underlying strategies for influencing others remain frighteningly similar, even when they continue not to work. And when they don’t work, we blame everything else—the other person is just being difficult, the situation was wrong, or something else.
In order to change your strategies, you need to understand the first principle of influencing others. To illustrate this principle, imagine you are in a fine restaurant. It’s full. And even though you’re celebrating your recent job promotion, you wonder why everyone chose this fancy place to dine. In the restaurant are many other diners: A group of business colleagues—four men and one woman—are with a client whom they want to impress. A young couple is on a second date and the man is pretending to be wealthy (which is why he left his old car at home and took a taxi). A mature couple is celebrating the wife’s birthday (but she won’t say which one). A German family is on vacation and had read in a guidebook that this is the best restaurant in the area. What is significant about this situation, and so many others like it, is that everyone has made the same decision: to have dinner in the same restaurant on the same night. Yet each person has also made this decision for a different reason—
their
reason. This is the number one principle for understanding influence: people make decisions for
their
reasons, not yours.
When you try to influence others, it is essential that you understand the other person’s reasons so you can use tactics that will work to persuade
them
, as opposed to tactics that would work on you. With this in mind, you are ready to learn about each of the nine primary tactics. Whether you want to teach the world to sing, your daughter to clean her room, your company to give you a promotion, or your friends to come on vacation with you to Miami, mastering these tactics for influencing can make the difference between defeat and delight.
What Is It?
“There are three excellent reasons why contemporary art is a worthwhile investment. First . . .”
The tactic we call reasoning, at its best, is the process of using facts, logic, and argument to make a case.
“You should run the marathon next year. The training will make you fitter and healthier; it will give you something to focus on outside work, which you said you wanted; and you will raise money for a good cause, maybe that hospice you gave all your old clothes to for their fund-raising sale. It just makes sense.”
This tactic is useful most of the time. Reasoning is the bread and butter of influencing. The challenge is to support your views with relevant information and a coherent argument. Although reasoning requires more effort than some of the other tactics, it is much more likely to create your desired effect.
When you present a view or position as if it is a fact (e.g., “This problem is going to take a long time to solve”) but without any evidence to back it up, then the reasoning is weak. Weak reasoning is the most common influencing tactic people use,
1
but without the evidence to back up your view, it is far less effective.
2
What Is It?
“Imagine a world where . . .”
Almost the exact opposite of reasoning, the inspiring tactic focuses on the heart rather than the head. It appeals to emotions and suggests what could be possible, if only the other person were persuaded.
Some of the most well-known uses of the inspiring tactic can be seen in political leaders’ speeches. Great examples are Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have a Dream” speech and Shakespeare’s “Once more unto the breach, dear friends” speech given by Henry V. These speeches don’t just ignore logical argument but defy it. Take this excerpt from John F. Kennedy’s speech about putting a man on the moon, with commentary from a skeptic in brackets.
We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard [Yeah, like that’s a good reason for doing something; hey, I reckon we should paint the garden fences with a toothbrush and nail varnish because it’s really hard], because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills [How so? Why wouldn’t feeding the starving in Africa or increasing world literacy do it just as well if not better?] . . .
