Mind Over Matter (18 page)

She lifted her nephew into her arms and rubbed his back, trying to soothe him and her own battered heart with those soft words. She rocked him until he fell limp and still in her arms. Then she lay him gently back to bed, pulled his blanket up, and tiptoed out of the room. She walked like the living dead to her bedroom, letting the tears fall forgotten down her face.

She didn't know if she spoke the truth. She didn't know if she was anything but a girl who was good at lying to herself. But she hoped she was right. She hoped everything would be okay.

She turned and faced her closet. Her glassy eyes skimmed the clothes hanging there, then lifted higher. She eyed the space on the top shelf where the box of her old reminders of Gabriel used to be. Those things were hidden in her car now and a suitcase had taken the box’s place. She stared up at that black case for a long moment, trembling slightly in the dim light of her bedroom.

She almost laughed at the tragic irony of it all. When Gabriel was still a ghost in her life she could pretend that this would work. She could pretend Travis was enough, that she wouldn't drag him down with the weight of her deep love for Gabriel. Now, with that chapter of her life closed, the only thing left to do was what the suitcase suggested. Pack up. Leave. Before she pulled Travis down with her.

She was leaving him.

She pulled up a chair, stood on it, and pulled the empty suitcase down. Her shaky feet touched the solid ground. There was no veiled sign from fate that this was a futile attempt. There was just a suitcase waiting to be filled.

Then she heard a sound at the bedroom door.

She turned to see Travis standing there watching her, his face a mask of pain and regret. Regardless of what he'd said, he hadn't wanted her to call his bluff. Even now, he still loved her. It was all there in his blue eyes, the apology waiting on his parted lips. But he'd come back too late. Maybe he'd always been too late. Had he shown up before Gabriel, she would have been content. She could have been happy with this man. She could have married him, been the mother of his children. She could have fallen asleep at night knowing she was loved. Those were just fragmented dreams. In real life Travis never really stood a chance and tonight was just a long overdue goodbye.

Immediately she broke into sobs, turning away from him so he couldn't see her face. Her shaking hands gripped the suitcase and her knees felt weak.

She almost wailed aloud when his arms caught her, steadying her. He held her gently. Like something fragile he was preparing to let go. Not like the other night, like a man that didn't ever want to let go.

"I'm sorry, Travis. I'm so sorry," she cried into his chest. There were too many things she was sorry for. Not enough time in a day to list them all.

"I know, Nikki," he said quietly, his voice little more than a choked rasp. "I know."

"I did love you," she whispered, pulling away to look into his eyes. "You have to know that I did, that I never meant to hurt you, or use you. It wasn't a game to me."

He nodded and she felt him swallow hard. She forced herself to face him, to look at his face. He wasn't going to cry for her, though his eyes glistened.

"I just wish it hadn't taken us so long to see it wasn't enough," he said finally.

Her eyes closed around a flood of tears when he kissed her forehead. Then he let her go, stepped back and turned away. She heard the door close softly, and she knew he wouldn't be back that night. She knew this was their last night together.

For over a year, Travis had been her anchor, her proof there was a life beyond Gabriel. But in the back of her mind she always knew it wasn't enough. Ships weren't meant to be tied to a harbor for fear of being lost in a storm. Ships were meant to ride waves.

She'd just cut her anchor loose. Now she had to pray she wouldn't get lost at sea.

Chapter Nineteen

Gabriel watched Meredith Rowe from backstage. They were playing a festival, the stage lights illuminating the night sky, cell phones raised in the crowd like lighters as the sea of bodies swayed. A mournful ballad sounded from the stage, carried home by the sound of Meredith's raspy lilt.

Much had changed about this woman over the last few months. She'd changed her hair to a deep magenta hue with black highlights streaked throughout. Her slim body was wrapped in a see-through, gauzy turquoise halter, long legs encased in black leggings and thigh-high leather boots. A turquoise feather adorned her right ear, the extent of her jewelry. But it wasn't just her appearance or her clothes that gave off a different vibe.

She was playing the opening riff of a new song. Slow, sad. A love song about being weighed down by loss, wrongs that couldn't be undone, and hope for a future with a person you didn't deserve. Silence caressed the audience for just a moment. Then the lights flashed as the drums sounded and the crowd cheered. There was something strangely orchestral about this arrangement, something softer, which normally wasn't Meredith Rowe or The Spirits' style. She was usually a devotee of the grittier side of rock.

He watched her lips caress the mic, her ice-blue eyes staring out into a sea of faces she wouldn't be able to make out because of the lights. Still, it looked as if she were searching for something, or someone as she strummed another series of mournful notes. And when she looked down, stepping back to let the music drown out her words with a guitar solo, he realized why this performance felt so off.

This wasn't a song about lust. It wasn't about longing, about the thawing of a frozen heart with little more than a momentary touch of fire. It was about someone who’d already been captured. It was about something deeper than a bodily caress. It was about love and his heartbeat echoed the music. He knew this feeling. He knew this grief, this loss.

He stared at her, this girl he'd known inside and out, and realized she must finally know what it meant to lose what she'd so carelessly fractured in his own life. Love. Meredith was nothing if not able to twist the truth to suit her own needs, even if it was for the music. But the paradox was she did indeed manipulate what was
real
. It was a selfish brand of honesty, one that always infused her lyrics, one that had exposed the blind spots in his relationship with Nicole. He knew this was real, that this song was for someone. He almost felt sorry for her, but he smirked that pity away. Karma did exist after all. There was that, at least.

There wasn't much time to focus on her anymore. His set was next. The crowd was screaming as the last notes sounded. Meredith was saying her "thank you"s and preparing to exit the stage. She locked eyes with him as she passed. It was like she'd been exposed, like she could tell he understood it wasn't just a song. She held his gaze, gave him a subtle nod, and then disappeared farther backstage, towards the green room. He pushed her from his mind. He had a show to put on in ten minutes. He had his own sad love songs to think about.

But later that night, when Gabriel was making his way to his hotel room after leaving the party in Jonny's room early, he caught sight of Meredith in the hall. Her arms were on either side of her friend Amber's head. Amber was a staple of every gig because she never left Meredith's side. The cute red-head was looking less like Meredith's best friend and more like her next conquest. It looked for a moment like Meredith was going to seal the deal. Her body was moving closer to the shorter girl, her hips curving in to tentatively caress hers. She whispered something and just at that moment, Amber realized they were being watched. She turned to see Gabriel, cleared her throat and then looked at Meredith. He didn't hear what she said, but it was accompanied by a shake of her head and a gentle shove of Meredith's arm so that she was free.

"Amber, c'mon! Hold on a second," Meredith called as Amber walked away and around the corner.

"Trouble in paradise?" Gabriel asked. Meredith spun around, her ice-blue eyes on guard, but her body facing him fearlessly.

She sighed and looked after Amber's retreating form one last time, before turning back to him. "Something like that."

Gabriel shook his head and started to stumble past her. "I guess there isn't a relationship you can't find a way to fuck up, including your own. It's comforting, actually." She licked her lips and shook her head as she looked away. "Aw c'mon, you're making this too easy, Mere. You're not even trying to fight back?"

"That would just give you too much satisfaction. And that's not something I'm in the mood to give. Try me again tomorrow, lover," Meredith said with a seductive leer. But her heart wasn't in it. It was obvious. So obvious, that as she walked to her door and started to insert the key card, Gabriel felt compelled to ask her a question.

"You in love with her?"

The immediate halt in her in languid movements was answer enough. She turned to face him, never one to back down from a challenge.

"Why do you give a fuck?"

"Morbid curiosity," he answered. "I want to know if a stone-cold bitch like you could possibly know what it's like to get your heart stomped. Assuming you have a heart."

Gabriel grinned just as seductively around his beer bottle before taking a swig. Then he waited for Meredith to storm back into her room, wounded yet again by his cruel words and complete dismissal of her. He could see it when she looked at him. Sometimes he could almost taste her wish for the past to come back, when they would fuck like crazy and pretend they didn't care about a thing from one moment to the next. He barely acknowledged her presence, and when he did it was to cut her down. She never took it lying down though they both knew it still stung her deep down. This was the point in the game when she would flip him off and say something clever and snide before slinking back into her snake hole. This is when she would pretend she felt nothing when they both knew better.

Instead she considered his question, then confessed softly, "I love her very much. But the only ones that are entertaining the idea that I'm actually in love are you and me. Amber's not quite buying it."

Gabriel snorted. "How she could doubt you is beyond me."

"Ha. Haha,” she deadpanned. “What the fuck are you doing here anyway? Don’t you have groupies to bone? You're quite the man-whore these days."

"Nope. Thanks to you I'm not tied down to anyone in particular, so my schedule is pretty flexible."

She leaned against the opposite wall, staring him down while he gave her a big cheesy grin before tipping back his beer. Soon the silence between them became deafening. Two sets of cold eyes were staring each other down from opposite sides of the hallway, unwilling to concede defeat.

"You really did love Nicole. I didn't realize that until it was too late," she said finally. "This isn't what I wanted, you know? To see you all broken-hearted."

"Who says I'm broken-hearted? I'm just living life the way it was intended to be lived. One day at a time. No hang-ups, no regrets. No obligations to weigh me down," he replied with a shrug. "You at least had that part right."

"I’m high half the time, drunk the other half, and I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. You didn't put much stock in my judgment before. Why start now?

"That supposed to be an excuse? Is that supposed to explain it all away? You were fucked up most of the time, so it doesn't count?"

She shook her head. "No. Nothing can explain away what I did to the two of you. It was wrong. And I regret it."

"Well, stop the motherfucking presses, folks," Gabriel said with a chuckle. "Meredith Rowe admits she's wrong and apologizes. We should go check if the sky is still blue or something."

"I
am
sorry, Gabriel. And if there's a God, She's definitely making sure I pay for what I did." She caressed the rosary tattoo on her wrist absently. "The irony of you being here to see my ultimate rejection wasn't lost on me."

All sense of mirth slipped away from his face. "You think some little lover's quarrel between you and your latest crush makes up for you sabotaging my relationship with Nicole? All so you could have me back as your fuck buddy?"

It was Meredith's turn to laugh, though it was of a sadder variety. Her eyes focused on his, but all of their steely defensiveness was gone. "No. It doesn't make up for it. But you should know that cute little redhead is not just some crush. Amber was, and is, my best friend. When everyone else left, or died, or just proved they weren't worth the time, she stuck around," she said softly.

Gabriel was shocked to find her eyes glassy with emotion, and Meredith turned away before he could see the full brunt of her loss. It was the first time he'd considered the people she couldn't hold onto: Meredith's mother, Amber. Even Gabriel himself, though he'd been little more than a coveted plaything. From Meredith's angle, there weren't a lot of people who stuck around for longer than a season. They'd never delved deep into their own wounds when they were hooking up. It wasn't that kind of relationship. Still, he knew hers were there under the surface. You didn't get an emotional wall as strong as hers without having a reason to build it in the first place.

"I didn't know I loved her at first," she continued, staring off into the direction Amber had retreated to. "I thought it was just what I felt for you. This desire to feel something, anything stronger than getting high, or a random hook up. I thought I just wanted to possess another toy. And you know me, I've never been afraid of trying to get something I want. Not until her."

Meredith turned back to face him and swallowed deeply. "You see I just told her tonight, for the first time, that I think I'm in love with her. And you know what she said?” She grinned mirthlessly and waited for him to ask her. When he didn't she said, "She told me I didn't really know what love was. In fact, she brought up what happened with you and Nicole to show how selfish I can be. Apparently, a person who’d be so willing to tear two people apart for fun can't know much about love. Maybe she's right," she said with a shrug, a gesture that made her look startlingly like a young girl. "She knows me better than anyone."

Well, this was just fucking sad. It was like kicking a baby when it was down and then stealing its candy... and then kicking it again.

"Maybe," was all he could say. He didn't have the heart to call her names or cut her down, but he wasn't going to comfort her either.

"Oh, now who's not even trying? You could totally be basking in this if you wanted to."

"Whatever gave you the impression I truly got off on other people's misery?" he asked. "Even if it is you we're talking about."

Meredith just sighed. "I must be confusing you with me. The
old
me anyway."

"The
old
you?" Gabriel repeated with a chuckle. "I'll believe it when I see it." He pushed himself off the wall and started to walk back to his room.

"I hope you and Amber are wrong about me," she called after him. "And I hope you know I'm sorry about everything. It was fucked up, Gabe. I wish I could take it all back."

He turned to face her. Maybe she did mean it. "You should be sorry," he replied. "But save your pity for yourself because you're gonna need it. Karma really is a bitch." He turned away, took another swig of his beer. "Trust me, I know."

He was thinking about Marta, about the way he'd treated Meredith, however sound his fears had been about her. He was thinking about Nicole, a girl he'd lost because of his own brand of penance for his selfishness.

Meredith could be sorry all she wanted, but it wouldn't change anything. He was paying the price for his own deeds in the end.