Mind Over Matter (19 page)

Chapter Twenty

Days passed into weeks, one after the other. Each one was like the dull thud of a weakened heart, slow and painful, but somehow tolerable. It became the way of things for Nicole to wake up in the guest bedroom of her sister's home, stare out at the rising sun, then force herself to go back to sleep and block out the sadness. Then she would get up and attempt to eat, struggle to write a page or two and fall back asleep again. It was a post-breakup coma that rivaled that of her breakup with Gabriel. If nothing else, it was proof she had actually loved Travis.

Not that it mattered in the end. Fat load of good it does to love anyone. It all just ends up the same way.

She turned her eyes away from the window and wiped away a tear that snuck out of her weary eyes. She wished she could escape, just get in her car and drive away. Get on a plane and fly into another life, into another person's body. Maybe she could get it right if she could just start over, if she could just be someone else. Anyone else but this broken person.

She turned away from clouds moving rapidly behind the trees and over the sun, and stared at her computer screen. The cursor blinked on the blank page, taunting her. The characters in her head were silent, and no amount of coaxing would make them come out of hiding. A laugh escaped her unused throat and she shook her head.

How did one find the heart to write about true love when they weren't even sure it existed? That was the burning question wasn't it? She was trying to figure out how her characters could talk to each other in the most authentic way, but all that ended up happening was she closed her eyes and thought of all the love she'd lost, all the mistakes and broken promises. When she opened them again, they were still there, and she was sitting crossed legged at her desk in sweats, a baggy t-shirt, and a haphazard ponytail, alone. People were waiting for the next book. People were waiting for her to start living again. And one of them was inviting themselves into her room at that very moment.

"We're going to the park and you're coming along," Jackie said.

"Nope. Not today."

She heard an exasperated scoff behind her. "You are not staying cooped up in this room today while you pretend to write and sulk. You're going to get some fresh air and take in this beautiful day."

Nicole glanced out her window, feeling her chest constrict. She felt borderline agoraphobic right now. Quiet, secluded spaces were what she craved, not wide open ones. "Not today," she repeated. There was finality in her voice that anyone else would have heeded. Anyone but her viciously overprotective older sister.

"Fine. If you won't listen to me, listen to Preston. Come here, baby."

Nicole turned to see her nephew walking into her bedroom before Jackie lifted him into her arms.

"You wanna go to the park don't you, sweetie?"

"Can I have some ice cream, Mommy?" he asked excitedly, the syllables meshing in that adorable way of toddlers the world over. Ice cream and the park were synonymous in his young mind.

"Let's ask Auntie Nikki. It's up to her, okay?"

Fucking bitch...

When she turned to shoot a dagger-filled gaze at her sister, she was met with a droll look that said,
Checkmate, heifer. There's no way you can turn down my secret weapon child.
And just to emphasize this point, she walked to her and held out Preston, who immediately smiled rays of sunshine at Nicole before wrapping his little arms around her neck.

Of course, Jackie was right. She wasn't going to deny the child ice cream at the park just because her life was a shit sandwich.

"Auntie Nikki? Can I have some with the sa-rinkles on it?" he said and she laughed at his customary mispronunciation of the word “sprinkles.”

"If you give me a kiss, then of course you can," she said, and was surprised when her throat closed up and her eyes grew teary as he nodded and kissed her on the cheek enthusiastically.

It was so easy for him. The world was made up of definite truths and simple pleasures. He knew that he was loved, and something like ice cream with sprinkles could light up his world. She wished she could bottle up that innocence and store it forever.

"We're leaving in half an hour, okay?"

Nicole nodded and forced herself to get dressed. Jackie packed up snacks, and kissed Ian goodbye as he headed out to play basketball with a few of his friends. Every bone in her body seemed to ache with the imposition of moving and pretending like she wanted to do anything other than curl up into a ball. But she reminded herself it wasn't all about her, that Preston was getting settled into his car seat in anticipation of a fun afternoon.

That didn't stop Jackie from taking the opportunity to start delving into her fragile psyche. "You look a little better today. You should try the whole showering and getting out of the house thing more often."

"It's only been a couple of weeks, Jackie," Nicole said as she glanced out of the passenger side window. "I'm still moving things out of our apartment. Now's not the time to give me 'the speech’."

"What speech would that be?" Jackie asked drolly, before turning the corner. Behind them Preston was laughing at the giant turtle in "Finding Nemo", his favorite movie to date.

"The speech about how we were never right for each other in the first place, and how it's finally time for me to move on. Live life to the fullest and all that crap."

"You said it, not me."

A long, audible sigh was Nicole's response.

"Aren't you about tired of brooding? This lonely hearts club thing you're rockin' has gotten old, and can be traced back to your first big breakup with Gabriel. That's two years, Nicole."

"I know how long ago it was. It's not necessary for you to remind me every time we're in the same space for longer than five minutes."

Two more sets of lights and they would be at the park. She just had to hold on until then.

"You think I get some kind of pleasure out of your unhappiness?" Judging by the soft lilt in her voice, Jackie was hurt by the implication.

"No. But I don't think you're helping by shoving in my face how unhappy I am. It's not like I don't realize it. It's not like I don't want to change it. It's just too soon to do anything about it."

"I think that's a cop out. You have to take some responsibility for the fact that you’re wallowing in misery and it's not getting you anywhere. And neither did burying your face in a relationship with Travis."

"
Don't
. Do
not
talk about him like he was just some sort of pawn. I loved him. A part of me still does, and if you had any idea what I put him through..."

That, unfortunately, caught Jackie's attention. Nicole could feel her sidelong glance and she ignored it by intently studying the passing scenery of trees and mailboxes as if they were the 8th wonder of the world.

"What could you have possibly done, other than just not love him as much as you loved Gabriel?"

Ah, shit. You talk too fucking much, you should have just let her run off at the mouth. You should have just nodded and said 'Uh huh, yup, you're so right.’ But
no
. You had to argue with a fucking attorney. She does this for a living. You make no sense! At all!

"That was an awfully cryptic statement, little sister. Is there something you're not telling me?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Some things are just none of your business."

Jackie looked at her with a shark's centeredness as she parked her car. Behind them Preston laughed again, as if mocking his aunt's attempt to assert familial dominance over his formidable mother.
Silly woman, don't you know who she is?

"I'm not playing around, Jackie," she said, only to turn and see her older sister had caught the scent of blood and was going in for the kill. "I mean it, Jackie. I'm putting my foot down this time. Period."

Approximately twenty minutes later they were sitting on a park bench. Preston was eating ice cream with "sa-rinkles" in his mother's lap, Nicole was covering her head in her hands, and Jackie was staring in abject shock at the playground before them.

"Unbelievable. I cannot believe this, and I don't know what's worse; the fact that you actually fu—f-fill-in-the-blank with Gabe," Jackie said, censoring herself for Preston's sake, "or that you're just now telling me. Maybe it's that I didn't see it sooner. Being all domesticated is dulling my perceptive edge when it comes to gossip. This is not good—"

"Can you please stop talking?!" Nicole's muffled wail sounded from behind her hands. "This is my life you're mocking here."

"I'm not mocking you, I'm just in shock, Nikki. And... somewhat relieved, I guess."

"Relieved? What the fu—um, heck are you talking about?"

Jackie wiped absently at Preston's mouth and the rim of his ice cream cup with a napkin. "I thought you were just completely in the dark about yourself when it came to Travis, but I was mistaken."

"Why do you always have to do that? You've been nothing but antagonistic and negative about him from the start. Throwing back in my face every chance you got how wrong he was for me."

It was Jackie's turn to sigh and add in a groan for good measure. "My reputation as a relentless harpy is well deserved, but this is getting out of hand. Look at me, because I'm only going to say this once, and I want to make sure you understand me."

Nicole sat up straight, looking her sister in the eyes. She was met with the sternest form of compassion she'd ever seen in someone, next to their mother.

"There was nothing wrong with Travis. There. I said it and you can quote me. He was a good man and, yes, you did a bad thing by... juggling the two of them."

"I didn't juggle them, it was a one-time mistake—"

"Let me finish, okay?
Jesus
..."

Nicole bit her tongue and waited reluctantly for words of wisdom.

"I never thought Travis was horrible, or anything like that. In another life, and under different circumstances, he would have been just fine. And I don't think you're a bad person because of what happened, either. I think you're young and you had your mind set on how things were supposed to work. But sometimes life has a way of telling you what you're gonna do anyway, regardless of what you think is right or what your plans are. Trust me on that," she said, giving her son a light kiss on the top of his head. “Your biggest mistake—"

Nicole sighed audibly and rested her head in her hands.

"—was trying to force yourself to heal something that wasn't broken in the first place. I don't know what the future holds for you and Gabriel. I don't even really know why you broke up. Maybe you'll never get back together. But even if you don't, trying to erase him like you did, replace him with someone safer because you were afraid... well, it was doomed from the start, Nikki. You can't erase your first love and you can't undo the past. You just have to learn from it and move forward. And you have to
truly
be ready to move on. You weren't ready, and only you can answer the question of 'why?'."

Nicole was silent for a long moment. She turned away and swiped at a tear. Then another. "God, what is wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, Nikki—"

"What if I'm never ready?"

The question was so desperate and forlorn they both were quiet, with only the sound of nature, kids playing, and Nicole trying to stifle her sobs to break up the quiet.

"Auntie Nikki?"

She sniffed and quickly wiped away her indulgent sadness. She put on a smile and turned to face Preston's confused and compassionate face.

"You have some my sa-rinkles!" he said, as if he'd just been inspired and his treat would solve anything. He held out the cup of melted ice cream and Nicole laughed around a sob.

"Aww, sweetie. You're the best, you know that? Thank you!"

She pulled him into her lap, took a little spoonful of vanilla with candy confetti covering it. Even that made her think of her favorite flavor, coffee ice cream, and that led her to the creamy tan color that always reminded her of Gabriel's skin.

"You'll be ready one day. You just need to figure out what you want to be ready
for
. If you're ready to give him up, then start living life. Stop holing yourself up in your room, stop staring at your computer screen waiting for words to come. Let go of the past
without
pretending it never happened. That goes for Gabriel and for Travis. You wouldn't be you without the things you've learned and the people you've loved.

But...if you're not going to give him up...t hen you need to get ready to fight for him."

"That's what you've always wanted. You and all my friends. You just want us back together."

"No," Jackie said shaking her head. "I thought you were great together and maybe I pushed a little too hard. That's because I'm human and I make mistakes too, despite all the evidence to the contrary."

Nicole chuckled at that. "So says the great Jacqueline Langley-Brown, and none shall contest her."

"Damn straight," Jackie replied with an arrogant nod and blink before breaking into big grin.