Mirror in the Sky (25 page)

“Okay . . . dinner. I'm making my famous lobster rolls,” Halle declared.

“Do we have potatoes? I can make fries and cocktails. I think I saw a fryer in the kitchen,” Veronica said.

“I'm baking the best chocolate chip cookies ever,” Alexa said. And we all turned to look at her. “And then I'm eating, like, a whole tray of them.”

We were quiet for a minute, and then Veronica spoke. “Whoa there. Let's go easy. It's not
your
birthday, okay?” We all laughed.

“Wait, what do I do?” I asked.

“You entertain us.”

“I'm not an entertaining person.”

“I don't believe you. You must have a skill that we don't know about,” Halle said.

“I can tap-dance?” It came out like a question. My mother had taught me.

“I
knew
it!” Halle exclaimed.

“That I can tap-dance?”

“No. That you've been keeping secrets from us!”

I couldn't make eye contact with Alexa or Veronica, and there was only one thing I could think to do before anyone noticed the tension. I began to tap-dance across the kitchen floor.

“Seriously? How have you kept this from us all this time?” Veronica asked. She was doubled over laughing. And soon we were all cracking up, giving each other impromptu dance lessons. Alexa was the best of all.

“I used to be a dancer, all through elementary and middle school.”

“Why'd you stop?” I asked her.

She shrugged. “It gave me serious body image issues.”

I stopped dancing.

“I still struggle with all that stuff. Most days, I don't even want to be at school. I feel like everyone's looking at me and talking about me.” She shrugged. “I mean, I know people talk about it at school. But I'm way better than I used to be.”

I nodded. “I understand,” I told her. Veronica and Halle glanced at each other before they looked back at me.

“The important thing is that we love you just the way you are, Alexi,” Veronica said.

“I know that, you freak.” Alexa smiled. “Now come tap-dance with me.”

Veronica mixed martinis for us, and we drank them as we tap-danced and prepped for dinner. By the time it was ready, we were all pleasantly buzzed. We ate lobster rolls and fries and chocolate chip cookies on the back deck by the ocean, in our pajamas.

Afterward, Halle brought out a cake covered with
strawberries and flowers and seventeen candles. It said, “Happy Birthday to Our Favorite Star,” and they sang and Veronica took pictures. I blew out the candles before I reached into the cake with my hand and smeared icing all over Veronica's face, making her laugh uncontrollably. In response, she grabbed a handful of cake and smeared it on Halle's face.

“Hey, what about me?” Alexa protested, and we all covered her face with cake, laughing and eating the rest of it with our hands, feeding each other icing and strawberries.

After we washed up, Halle suggested we light a fire. It might not have been the most prudent thing, lighting the fireplace while drunk. It had all the makings of an after-school special, trying to turn on the gas and asking each other if it needed more logs or if the logs inside the fireplace were real or ceramic, and laughing as we wondered if our pajamas were flammable and Alexa reminding us that flammable pajamas aren't really funny, but between the four of us, we managed to light a small fire.

We fell asleep in front of the fireplace that night, Veronica and I in our glasses. Alexa wearing her retainer. Halle with her hair in two pigtails. I still remember how I felt that night right before I fell asleep—completely present and completely happy, kind of the way I had felt that night at Halle's party. I wasn't thinking about another planet, or another me. I wasn't turning anywhere for answers. I actually felt, for the first time in a long time, as though I was among friends. Friends who loved me and understood me. Veronica took a ton of pictures that evening, but they don't really do that day justice. The snapshot I have in my mind is, to this day, still the best one.

FORTY

I opened my eyes. Someone was knocking on the front door. I had fallen asleep on the couch, head to toe with Alexa. Halle was fast asleep too, curled up on an oversize chair. Veronica was wrapped up in a blanket on a nest of throw pillows on the floor.

“Who would be knocking on our door at nine in the morning?” Veronica moaned. Her eyes were still closed.

“I'll go look,” I said, slowly getting up.

“I'll come with you,” said Halle in a hoarse voice, rubbing her eyes.

There were masculine voices coming from the front stoop. I recognized one of them even before we opened the door.

“Surprise!” Nick called out, throwing his arms up into the air. He was wearing a pair of Wayfarers, a white T-shirt, and
jeans. Jimmy and Hunter were behind him, carrying six-packs of beer.

Halle's face fell. “What are you guys doing here?”

“We thought you might want company.” Nick grinned and walked through the threshold, giving Halle a hug. She didn't hug him back. Jimmy reached for me right away.

“Hey, babe. Happy birthday,” he said, kissing me on the cheek.

“Thanks. I didn't know you guys were coming . . .” I looked at Halle, and she was glaring at them, a hand on her hip, but Nick simply smiled, ignoring her expression.

They walked past us into the living room, trailing mud from their shoes through the foyer. Unease filtered through my veins, a toxic chemical sparking at nerve endings.

“What are they doing here?” I whispered to Halle.

She shook her head and made a face. “I never invited them,” she said.

We watched as they entered the living room, yelling, “Wake up!” to Alexa and Veronica. Hunter jumped on top of Veronica to surprise her. I could have told him what a bad idea that was.

“What the hell! Get off me!” Veronica screamed, punching him in the stomach. “What is wrong with you, you freak? Why are you here?”

“Hey! Watch it! I just wanted to surprise you,” he said, backing off. Veronica sat up.

“Who even invited you here?” she scoffed.

It was shocking how much we didn't want their company.
Something had changed between Halle, Veronica, Alexa, and me in just one day, some sort of tectonic shift, a delicate adjustment that if left untended could render an earthquake. The old mistrust was gone, but we needed more time to simply settle into ourselves and into each other, without the complications that these boys brought with them.

“You guys are trailing mud into the house.” Alexa looked at the foyer.

“That's not a very nice welcome,” Nick said, sitting down next to her, that perpetual grin on his face. “We wanted to surprise you guys. Didn't you miss us?”

“Not really,” Halle said under her breath. She was standing next to the sofa where Nick was sitting now, looking peeved, but he ignored her, reaching for her, trying to pull her into his lap.

“Quit it, Nick.”

“Baby, I'm just trying to kiss you. You're always mad at me.”

“You guys knew it was a girls' weekend. I planned this for weeks!”

“Well, we're here now. We drove all the way up here from Connecticut to be with you. Let's get the party started.”

It was unclear what exactly Nick was thinking, or why he had brought Hunter and Jimmy along as his lackeys. They were already beginning to goof off, punching each other and laughing, heading into the kitchen, opening the fridge to inspect and then consume the contents. There was something entitled about their behavior, the interloping masculine infringing on some sort of harmonious feminine that had been built in a
mere day, still precarious, but extant. I started to feel it again, the need to escape. I didn't want to be around these people, I wanted to be home. I wanted to be with my mother.

Within a couple of hours, the boys had hijacked the place. A football game blared on the TV, and empty beer cans and bags of chips littered the living room floor. It was as though they had taken advantage of our shock to deploy an occupation.

Alexa, Veronica, Halle, and I huddled together in the kitchen.

“Halle, tell your boyfriend and his friends to get out,” Veronica exclaimed.

“Why is this on me? You guys say something!” Halle said.

“Why does someone else always have to do your dirty work for you, Halle? I'm sick of being the bad guy! You be the bad guy.”

“Maybe you're just better at being the bad guy than me!” Halle retorted.

“This is disgusting, you guys. They haven't been here two hours and they've turned the place into a frat house,” Alexa said.

“Where is all this mud coming from?” Halle yelled at them.

“Oh, sorry, Nick made us go through the backyard to make sure we had the right house,” Jimmy called back.

“Why would you guys have to go to the backyard for that?”

They all started laughing, slapping each others' backs.

“No, it's like, it's an inside joke. Nick just wanted to throw Hunter into the mud. By the way, you guys have a serious food situation going on out there,” Jimmy said.

“What food situation?”

“Go look,” Hunter said. I scanned the back deck through the window. The remnants of our lobster dinner and a destroyed cake were rotting in the sun, flies darting all over the mess.

“You should probably clean that up,” Jimmy said. I looked at him. He was chugging a beer, a trail of potato chip crumbs all over his shirt. I watched his eyes as he turned from me to the TV.

“Holy shit, you guys! Look!” he said, pointing. I understood right then what people mean when they speak about those moments when everything goes into slow motion.

It was a news bulletin, interrupting the game. “Breaking news out of Santa Monica, California. The FBI has launched an assault on the Santa Monica compound of the Church of the New Earth. We've heard some explosions out of the compound, where cult leader Robert Bennington has been holding people hostage for the past fifty days. The Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms also became involved in the investigation of the cult once they learned that the Santa Monica branch was stockpiling firearms and explosives. It is unclear exactly how many people are still inside the compound. It's too early to say if there have been any fatalities. We'll continue to bring you more news throughout the day.”

I ran from the room, making it to the bathroom just in time, throwing up into the toilet.

“Aaaawww, that's bad!” I heard a voice behind me after a moment. Jimmy. He tried to touch my back, but I elbowed him away. I didn't want anyone touching me right then, especially
him. I felt vulnerable on all fronts—it was physical, visceral, but there was also that overwhelming recognition that something terrible was about to happen. Something terrible was already happening.

“Here, let me help you,” Jimmy said, pulling my hair away from my face, but I shook my head violently.

“LEAVE!” I said before another wave hit me. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead. I felt as though I was trapped on a train about to derail.

I took a deep breath. I cleaned myself up. “Mommy,” I said, clenching my fists, “please be all right. You're going to come back home. You can't
not
come back home.”

Outside, I could hear Veronica and Halle bickering again.
Be here
, I told myself. However bad
here
was, it was better than thinking about my mother. All I wanted to do was glue myself to the TV. All I wanted to do was call my father.
Why hadn't he called me?
But I couldn't.
She's coming home
, I told myself again. And I gathered up all my resolve until I believed it.

My head was pounding as I returned to the living room, where an epic fight between Nick, Halle, Veronica, and Hunter was unfolding. I sank down into the couch, and Jimmy took a seat next to me, touching my hair. I pushed his hand away.

“We drove all the way out here to see you!” Nick yelled.

“And NO ONE invited you. NO ONE asked you to do that! This was supposed to be a girls' weekend, Nick. And now you bring these two beer-swilling Neanderthals to the house . . .”

“Hey, you guys left a huge mess on the back patio, okay? There's, like . . . rotting cake out there!” Nick yelled.

“And it's OUR rotting cake! It's not our job to clean up after you! Why are you such a little kid, following us around?”

“Hey, we're only here to support Nick, okay?” Hunter said.

“Support Nick in what?” Veronica yelled back, and Hunter's face went pale. He had said something he knew he shouldn't have.

“Support Nick in what?” Halle asked.

They were all quiet for a moment before Nick responded. “I wanted to make sure you were actually out here with the girls, okay? And not with some guy.”

We were all quiet. “Why would I be here with some guy?” Halle said, but I could see the corners of her mouth twitching nervously.

Jimmy reached for my waist at that moment. “Feeling better, babe?”

I pushed him away. His eyes were barely open, and I could see he was drunk. He pulled at me more aggressively this time.

“Hey, Tara,” he said. I turned to face him, and just as I did, he tried to kiss me.

“Stop it, Jimmy!”

“What, I'm just trying to, like, make you feel better.”

“Leave me alone!”

“Why are you being such a tease?”

“Stop it!”

“You're such a bitch!” he yelled. I gasped. Everyone turned to look at us.

“Leave her alone, Jimmy,” Nick said.

“He's not the one you need to say that to,” Veronica said under her breath, and Nick shot her a look.

Veronica glared at him. “Why don't you just come out with everything, Nick? You and everyone else. Everyone come clean, because this is bullshit,” she said.

My heart started to race.

“Okay. Fine,” she continued. “You're not going to be honest? Nick, Halle doesn't love you. She's pretty sick of you, actually.”

“Really? Maybe Halle should tell me that herself. And while we're at it, why don't you tell everyone the truth about yourself, Veronica? Especially since you have personal stakes in my relationship with Halle.”

Veronica was quiet.

“Really, you should do it, especially for Hunter's sake. Tell him why you'd never be interested in him,” Nick pressed.

Veronica shook her head at him. “Why are you doing this?” Her voice was faint.

“Shut up, Nick. Everyone already knows, okay?” Halle said. “Everyone knows that Veronica's in love with me.” We all turned to look at Veronica, and her face was flushed, her mouth agape.

“What? Is that true, Veronica? You like girls?” Hunter looked at her, but Veronica merely crossed her arms over her chest and shook her head, her eyes flashing rage. But when I saw how she looked away, how her cheeks flushed in embarrassment, I could tell that she hadn't wanted any of us to know. I wondered just then why she had chosen never to tell me,
despite all the time we had spent together—all those dinners and study sessions at her house. Then I remembered my own secrets.

Halle turned to Nick. “Veronica's right, Nick. There's someone else.”

“I knew it.” He shook his head. “Who is it?” he demanded, and everyone looked at Halle. She didn't say anything, and I was surprised when I heard my own voice in response to his question.

“She's seeing Amit,” I finally said. It came out almost too easily. As though all this time, I had been struggling to keep a flotation device under water with my own body weight. They all turned to look at me.

“Who the hell is Amit?” Nick asked.

“The guy from the restaurant,” I said. I didn't even care anymore.

“You knew?” Halle looked at me. I nodded at her. “You saw us . . .”

“Wait, you knew and you didn't tell us?” Veronica turned to me.

“Why didn't you say anything to me?” Halle asked.

“I knew it. I knew you were a cheating liar,” Nick said to Halle.

“Oh, don't even!” Alexa screamed at him. “We all know what you did, Nick!” She yelled. I looked down at my toes, realizing it was my turn.

“Tell everyone!” Alexa yelled.

“Fine. Tara and I . . . we . . . I . . . I slept with Tara.”

“You did
what
?” Jimmy, Alexa, and Veronica cried out in unison.

“Seriously, dude! You knew I liked her,” Jimmy said.

“But I don't like you, Jimmy,” I said to him, and I didn't even feel a pang of regret as I said this.

“But you're interested in Nick?” Jimmy asked.

Nick interrupted, turning to Halle. “It happened on Christmas. When we were broken up. Ask her,” he said to her.

“Is it true?” Halle asked.

I looked at Halle. But even before I could respond, Veronica stepped in.

“It is,” Veronica said, turning to Halle. “Alexa and I . . . we knew . . . or part of it, at least.”