Miss Impractical Pants (37 page)

“Of course you and Geoffrey should have your own room,” Lucas soothed Mrs. Albright. “I believe this one will be the most secluded.” He placed his key into her plump hand.

Geoffrey puffed out his chest and patted Lucas approvingly on the back before issuing the crowd a brisk nod and trotting off arm in arm with the housekeeper.

“Well, bugger me,” Lottie sighed, staring after them in disbelief.
“Right, then.
I guess that leaves Sidney and Andrew in one room and Lucas and Katie in the other.”

Andrew scowled in protest, but Katie could see he knew better than to argue with Lottie. As she let the instructions settle around her, a
fresh spell of panic gripped her. She was so worried about having to fight off Andrew’s
tentacles,
she hadn’t considered the other possibility: another night alone with Lucas. She was pretty sure she wasn’t woman enough—or maybe she was too much woman—to withstand another night alone with him.

“Actually, I don’t mind sharing a room with Andrew,” she blurted.

Everyone, including Mensur and Andrew, gawked at her in bewilderment.

Lottie threw up her arms.
“Fine!
Do as you bloody well please.”

She stalked off to her room, mumbling under her breath, “…people shagging practically right under me nose and nobody has the decency to say a word about it.”

The others grabbed their bags and followed her like a flock of lambs.

Lucas caught Katie by the elbow, pulling her out of the entourage. “Katie, what’s going on?”

Katie shrugged, refusing to meet his gaze.
“Nothing.”

“Nothing?
Katie, I think you owe me more than that. Do you feel uncomfortable around me?” His question was pointed and marinated in apprehension.

“Sort of,” she admitted to the floor, tracing the wood grain patterns with her toe.

Placing his thumb under her chin, he fought against her reluctance to bring her face toward his.

Seeing the cocoa sadness in his eyes, she quickly amended her answer. “I mean—not like you think.”

His eyebrows rose in curiosity.

“I mean, I don’t feel uncomfortable around you.” She exhaled deeply, knowing she was going to regret this. “But sometimes I have uncomfortable
feelings
around you.”

“What? You just said the same thing.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Please don’t play games with me, Katie. I thought we really had something.”

There was a tone in his voice, a tone he had never taken with her before.
Anger?
Annoyance?

“I’m not playing games!” She felt insulted by the accusation. “I’m trying to tell you that I get the tingly-pee feeling around you!” Her voice rose to a near shout.

“Sorry?”

Katie grunted in frustration.

“You make her horny.” Mensur’s thick accent cut through the lobby.

Lucas blinked a few times in response to this new bit of information,
then
threw his head back in laughter. Katie felt the flames of humiliation lick up her cheeks like a relentless puppy.

“Ah, thank you Mensur.” Lucas laughed and gave the clerk a congenial wave.

Mensur made no other acknowledgment and went back to studying his newspaper.

Katie stamped her foot in a little pout.
This wasn’t funny!
Lucas pulled her into him, holding her head snugly against his chest and whispered into her hair.

“It’s okay
Rabbit,
you make me horny, too.”

She didn’t intend to, but she let her body relax against his. In a twisted sort of way, those were the nicest words she’d ever heard.

Mensur cleared his throat loudly and the two broke apart just before Lottie, dressed head to toe in creamy chiffon, reentered looking like a miniature Jackie O with a pixie cut. Despite Lottie’s ostentatious figure with her huge sunglasses and gargantuan floppy hat, both Lucas and Katie stared at Mensur—their unlikely advocate.

“Oh lovely, there you are!” Lottie called. “I took one look at the water from my room and I just couldn’t wait to take a walk along the beach.” She made dramatic sweeping gestures with her arms, showing off the elegant draping of her wide, open sleeves.

“Your father insisted on ‘testing’ out the bed and now he’s taking a zizz. Katie, love,
are
you feeling all right? You look a bit flushed. Is that knock on your head bothering you?”

With the practiced hand of a concerned mother, Lottie brushed back the swoop of hair that concealed Bartholomew’s remains.

What was bothering Katie was that she had no resistance to Lucas, and they’d almost been
caught.
A few more seconds and they would have been kissing for sure.

“I’m fine, I’m great. I’m better than great—I’m great,” she answered distractedly.

“You sure she’s okay?” Lottie sidled up to Lucas and whispered, “She seems a bit crackers.”

Lucas smirked. He linked his mother’s arm through his and led her toward the exit. “I think we could all stand to take that walk.”

On her way out, Katie detoured past Mensur. His head was buried in his paper. “Um…thank you,” she whispered awkwardly to
the top of his head. Not one of his shiny black hairs even wiggled in response, and she continued toward the door.

             
As soon as she had gone, he flipped backward through his paper agitatedly, about halfway back. In the London society pages, he found it again. He ran his fingers over the photo of Lucas and Katie, as if it were telling a story by Braille. “You’re most welcome, Duchess.”
             

“Would you look at this?” Lottie marveled, taking in the sapphire waters. “This certainly makes up for having such primitive accommodations.” She swept her arms along the landscape, admiring even more how the sleeves of her fancy new top floated compliantly along with her movements.

Lucas rolled his eyes and winked at Katie, who snorted while trying to stifle a giggle at Lottie’s display.

Lottie looked upon her sympathetically, as if convinced Katie was suffering from brain damage. “Did you two have a nice swim today?” she cooed slowly and loudly for Katie’s benefit.

There was a slight catch in Lucas’s throat. “We haven’t been swimming.” He took his mother’s arm, resuming their leisurely pace.

Not technically
, Katie amended silently, feeling the color rise to her cheeks.

“Am I to believe that you haven’t jumped at the first opportunity to sneak a peek at Katie in a teeny bikini?” Lottie ribbed her son.

“Yes, mother, that’s exactly what you’re to believe.”

“I’m just saying that after dating Miss Skin and Bones for so long, it’s only natural a man would crave something with loads more meat—like our Katie.” She spoke with the sweetness of pure innocence, but the naughty gleam in her eye told otherwise.

Lucas grew red-faced, either from anger or embarrassment—Katie couldn’t tell. But he obviously wasn’t adept at playing his mother’s games.

Katie laid a calming hand over Lucas’s arm and spoke to him with rivaling syrupiness. “Oh, don’t let her get to you. She only wondered if you were taking advantage of fresh young meat,” she said, sliding her hand demonstratively down the length of her body, “before it turns into a tough old cow.” She jerked her thumb toward Lottie with pretend sneakiness,
then
turned to her, batting her eyelashes. “Isn’t that what you meant?”

“
Oooh
, you cheeky little monkey!” Lottie gave Katie a playful swat on the butt,
then
wrapped an arm around her waist, pulling her into a hug. Effortlessly, the two women fell into step.

“
Oooh
,
looky
here, it looks like
someone
has been a naughty bunny,” Lottie trilled.

Katie took one look at the waves tumbling her recently departed bra and Lucas’s mother stooping over to get a closer look, and wanted to die—now.

“Hmmm…I thought you said you hadn’t been for a swim?” She eyed her son with playful suspicion. The soggy, sandy undergarment dripped onto his toes as she dangled it from the tip of her finger in front of his face.

Katie felt dread as heavy as cement filling her chest cavity. Lucas was completely unruffled and looked as though he might confess the previous night’s activities. He snuck a side glance at her. Her mortification must have been apparent because he quickly changed his expression into something more severe and scolded, “For God’s sake, Mother, you’re disgusting. Would you put that thing down—you’ve no idea where it’s been!”

“Simmer down. I was only trying to have a little fun,” Lottie sniffed. “Honestly, I don’t know who taught you to be such a prude. If
I hadn’t pushed you out of me own fanny, I would think you belonged to somebody else.”

Katie felt her mouth drop open and almost hit the sand.

“Mum!” Lucas snapped.

“She birthed you out of her butt?” Katie couldn’t help asking, trying to make sense of something she knew to be impossible.

Lottie’s head spun so fast she looked as if she were possessed. “What in the name of Santa’s queer elves is she talking about?”

“What are
you
talking about?” Katie shot back, unconsciously scrubbing imaginary filth from her arms.

“I never said anything about having babies out of me bum,” Lottie insisted.

“You did! I heard you!” Katie argued.

They gawked at each other in bewildered silence, each looking certain the other was certifiably crazy.

“Stop!”
Lucas crumpled to the ground in a fit of laughter, tears streaming down his cheeks. “Please, stop!” he gasped.

They both turned on him like hungry wolves. He looked at Katie, then Lottie, and fell apart laughing again. Then he pushed himself to stand as both women glared at him, arms tightly folded across their chests, neither one willing to give him a hand. He took his time brushing the sand from his body and composing himself. “Let this be a lesson to you, Mum, for being so crude. In America, the word ‘fanny’ doesn’t mean the same thing as it does here. It means ‘bum.’”

He seemed to be enjoying his mother’s slow reaction as she absorbed this new information. Her eyelids fluttered rapidly,
then
slowed to a few exaggerated blinks. “Oh. Oh my!” and then she put a hand over her heart and burst into a laugh that matched her son’s.

“Excuse me!” Katie stamped her foot, still completely grossed out and feeling more than a little fidgety standing next to her wayward bra. “I still don’t understand what’s going on.”