Miss Wrong and Mr Right (32 page)

‘You’re going? Already?’ asked Sharon. ‘You’re leaving me alone with him?!’

We could hear the sound of the robot Dalek in the living room and shrieks of laughter from Amy and Felix.

‘This is the coolest robot!’ we heard Ryan exclaim.

‘He sounds like he’s settling in. He’s your lodger now. And I have a million and one things to do and a throbbing headache,’ I said.

‘Are you okay Nat?’

‘I’m getting there. Just don’t let Ryan leave the house on his own. I don’t think he will, but to be on the safe side, tell him about the man next door, who killed his wife and buried her in the garden.’

‘I don’t know how I’ll drop that into conversation,’ said Sharon.

‘Please,’ I said. ‘I want to discourage him from going out at night when he’s here.’

‘Ok… I know it was a dreadful thing to happen, but I really miss those neighbours. They kept themselves to themselves. The new ones are so bloody chirpy, always poking their heads over the fence for a chat!’

On my way out, we heard excited screams coming from the living room. An enormous old atlas had been propped up against the sofa cushion, and Ryan was using it as a ramp for the remote controlled Dalek.

‘Amy! Felix! That’s your father’s! It’s an antique!’ cried Sharon. ‘You’ll get smacked bottoms the pair of you.’

‘It was Ryan’s idea,’ said Felix.

‘Yeah,’ agreed Amy. ‘Are you going to smack Ryan’s bottom, Mummy?’

Ryan looked round.

‘Gee sorry ma’am,’ he said.
 

Sharon went bright red.

‘Ryan is a guest and he didn’t know! Now put it back on the shelf.’

‘Ryan,’ I said. ‘You’ve got rehearsals at two this afternoon, and you’ll be working this weekend too.’
 

‘Will you be back for pizza night tonight?’ asked Amy.

‘And then it’s DVD night tomorrow, you have to be here for that too, we’re watching
Toy Story 3
?’ added Felix.

‘I can make sure a car has him back at seven,’ I said.

‘Yay yay yayyy!’ shouted the kids.

‘You’re an instant hit in London, and you haven’t done a show yet!’ I said.
 

Ryan grinned and mouthed ‘thank you’. I smiled, and Sharon showed me to the front door.
 

‘Thanks so much for doing this,’ I said. ‘Just don’t smack his bottom too hard…’ I grinned, and before she could protest, ran off pushing the trolley back to the Sainsbury’s car park, praying this gamble would work out for everyone.

Gentlemen callers

I phoned Nicky and Craig to say that we were back in business. I was going to come to the theatre, but Nicky told me to take the rest of the day off and go home.

‘You must still have concussion honey,’ she said. ‘Let us handle it and we’ll see you tomorrow.’
 

When I got back to the flat, Gran was hobbling round the kitchen dishing up some freshly made goulash.

‘Come and eat, my darlink,’ she said putting a big steaming bowl and some sliced bread on the table. I was suddenly starving, and wolfed down the bowl of goulash in minutes.

‘My foot is feeling better,’ she said watching me with amusement. ‘On Monday ve have the big unveiling!’

‘What?’ I asked with a full mouth.

‘Ve go to have my stitches out. Ve get to see my lovely new Sophia Loren toe,’ she said. I was finishing my second bowl of goulash, when the buzzer for the door went. Gran got up and hobbled over to the entry phone.

‘Natalie, there is a man outside!’ said Gran. ‘Do you know him? What should I do?’

I got up and joined her, peering at the tiny black and white screen.

‘Bloody hell. That’s Benjamin,’ I said. He was looking up at the camera and was dressed in jeans, and a t-shirt with a picture of Ghandi sitting cross-legged.

‘Shall I let him in?’ she asked, her finger poised on the button.

‘No, I’ll go to the door,’ I said.

‘
Namaste
,
Natalie, I’m here to get my toothbrush,’ said Benjamin importantly when I opened the door. I ducked into the bathroom and came back with his toothbrush and the charger wound round it.

‘Here,’ I said thrusting it at him. Benjamin looked at it then at me.

‘And I need my key back,’ I said. He reached into his pocket and handed it over. We stood in silence for a moment.

‘Is that it Natalie?’ he said, surprised.

‘Were there replacement heads for the toothbrush too?’ I asked.

‘No. Is that all you can say after our relationship?’

‘Pretty much,’ I said, and went to close the door. He put his hand out and stopped it.

‘Laura’s pregnant,’ he said. ‘Twins.’

‘Congratulations,’ I said. ‘Just don’t put her in charge of mealtimes. All I’ve ever seen her eat is pickled onion crisps.’

I went to close the door, but he stopped it again.

‘We could try again, Nat? I think we fitted well together, we have similar interests, we want the same things…’

I stared at him in disbelief for a minute.

‘I am nothing like you Benjamin. You are going to be a father, which frightens me. God help your twins. You are a deeply selfish, boring, humourless individual who finds himself so bloody interesting. You seem to think that yoga is some kind of calling or religion. But you know what it is?’ I asked.

‘What?’ he said shocked.

‘It’s keep fit. It’s a fucking workout class. You think you’re the Dalai Lama, but in reality you’re a second-rate Rosemary Conley. And for all the tantric sex you practise, you never gave me an orgasm in all the time we were together! Oh, and FYI, that’s Ben Kingsley on your t-shirt. He
played
Ghandi.’

I slammed the door and went inside. Gran was in the kitchen still holding the video entry phone to her ear.

‘Wow Natalie. I didn’t think you had it in you,’ said Gran.

‘Gran, I just need a moment,’ I said. I went to the bathroom and I splashed cold water on my face. I looked at myself in the mirror. I had no make-up on, bags under my eyes and my hair was a fright. I really needed a cocktail. I went back into the kitchen and the door buzzer went again.
 

‘What does he want now?’ I said.

‘Natalie, it’s not Benjamin,’ said Gran. ‘Look!’ she said peering at the little screen. Jamie stood outside.

‘I don’t believe this,’ I said. He buzzed again. He didn’t look happy. ‘Okay, now we’re doing this, I’ve got some things I want to say to him too!’ I said.

‘Open the door! He’s leaving,’ said Gran pushing me in the direction of the front door. Jamie had turned to go, vanishing from the little black and white screen.
 

Jamie was near the gate when I opened my front door. He turned and came back towards me. I could see his eyes were red from crying.

‘I’m sorry Nat, the gate was open,’ he said. ‘Can I come in for a sec?’

‘Is this about Tuppence? She said some horrible things, and I didn’t know all her hair would come off when I pulled…’

‘It’s not about that,’ he said.
 
The sky was grey and it had started to rain. I nodded and he followed me back inside. He slipped off his shoes and we went through to the kitchen where Gran was loading up a cocktail shaker with ice and vodka.
 

‘My goodness, here is a sight for sore eyes!’ she said limping over to give him a hug. He grasped her warmly and then she pulled away to look at his face.

‘It has been a long time,’ she said looking up into his eyes. ‘And you’re even more handsome than I remember… What’s this? You’ve got fat like Natalie?’
 

I was about to protest that she was calling us both overweight, when I saw Gran examining the side of his face. Faintly, Jamie had the same FAT bruise as me.

‘Tuppence hit you with her award too?’ I said.

‘Yeah. We’re on a break,’ he said.

‘I’ve never understood what
on a break
means,’ said Gran.

‘It means Tuppence wants to weigh up her options… Now she has a reality show, she doesn’t want to waste her time doing theatre,’ said Jamie.

‘So why are you here?’ I asked. Gran shot me a look. ‘Sorry, I’m just being cautious,’ I added. ‘Things have got pretty nasty.’

Jamie nodded.

‘This isn’t about work or the theatres… It’s my Nan, she’s got worse. In fact, Mum rang to say she might not last the night,’ he said. He stopped for a moment and had to wipe his face with the back of his hand. ‘I have to get home to Devon, but there’s engineering works on the trains… I haven’t got a driving licence. I’m here to ask you, please, if you would consider getting me home…’ he broke down crying. Gran reached out and grabbed his hand. She looked at me.

‘Of course, I can take you,’ I said. ‘I’ve got a car… I’ll have to come back though…’

‘Just a lift,’ he said. ‘I’d owe you big time. Thank you. And I’ll pay for the petrol and…’

‘It’s fine,’ I said.

The skies opened as I pulled out of the underground car park onto Beak Street. Even with the windscreen wipers on full blast the window was an endless swirl of water. Jamie was quiet at first, then his phone rang. It was his mother.

I had seen Mrs Dawson once since our wedding that never was. It had been during a visit home, only a few months later, and she had been on the high street in Sowerton. I had seen her across the road coming towards me, and had ducked down the alleyway that led between two shops to a pay and display car park. At the last minute she had seen me, but I was in the process of darting away.
 

‘Mum, Natalie is giving me a lift… Yes, Natalie Love.’ Jamie covered the phone. ‘She says to say thank you, and it will be lovely to see you again.’
 

‘It’s no worry… but I have to be back in London… I’ll just drop you off,’ I said.
 

I squirmed a little. Jamie chatted some more, and asked what was going on. The pauses got longer, and he said very little.

‘Uh huh… Right… Ok.’ Then he put the phone down. ‘She says we need to hurry,’ he said in a small voice.
 

We were now on the South Circular and the rain had eased a little. I took a left, signposting the entrance to the motorway. The windows steamed up and I put the fans on full blast to clear it. When we pulled onto the motorway I stayed in the fast lane and put my foot down.

We had hardly made any progress when the cars in front slowed, the red of their brake lights blurring in the water on the windscreen.
 

‘I’ll try and move us through this as quick as I can, but it’s Friday,’ I said peering at the three lanes of traffic to see which might be moving faster. I indicated and crossed to the middle lane. Then the traffic came to a standstill in all three lanes. We sat there for a few minutes, the sky darkening and the rain hammering down on the car roof. I turned the heater off and opened the window a crack. The air was chilly and smelt of ozone. My heart was pounding at the thought he might not get home in time.

‘I’ve thought about you a lot over the years,’ said Jamie suddenly.

‘I’ve thought about you too,’ I said, after a pause.
 

‘Have you? Getting over you was tough… I went to Spain.’

‘Mum told me, you’d gone to be a holiday rep?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, that lasted for about three days… Then I came home.’

‘I had these visions of you sowing your wild oats in the Costa Brava.’

‘No. I came home and spent the summer in Sowerton on anti-depressants,’ he said.

I was shocked by his candour, and I felt guilty. I’d had the most incredible summer in London with Sharon and Gran.
 

‘How did you end up in Canada?’ I asked.

‘My cousin, he ran a small chain of bookshops. It got to the point where I needed a change of scenery. There was nothing happening in Devon. So, I managed to get a work permit and I went and worked for him for a couple of years.’

‘How did you start your theatre company?’

‘That was just luck. I got into theatre through one of the guys who worked at the bookshop…’

‘You made it all sound a lot better when we had coffee a couple of weeks ago.’

‘I’m tired Natalie. Right now I don’t care… I fired Brendan, and Tuppence went with him, she called off our engagement. They’ve got the reality show now.’

The rain continued to hammer on the roof. I scrabbled around for something to say.

‘I recently spilt up with a guy called Benjamin, who runs his own yoga studio. I caught him having sex with his receptionist,’ I said.

Jamie looked at me.

‘It was going on for a while cos now she’s pregnant with twins,’ I said.

‘Sorry, Nat.’

The cars started to move again, and I put my foot down.

‘The thing is, I’ve had so many crap relationships. Before Benjamin, there was Michael. He had a weird fetish… He wanted me to balance salt and vinegar crisps on his bare bottom, and then smack him hard, breaking the crisps.’

‘And did you?’ asked Jamie.

‘No! I told him it was a waste of good crisps! Then there was Stewart, Stew to his friends, who used to cry
uncontrollably
after sex, really grizzly like a toddler. It was disturbing. His face would go bright purple. Sharon nicknamed him Stewed Plum.’

Jamie wiped his face and laughed.

‘And then there was John who had tons of pictures of his mother everywhere, and kept saying, “
Isn’t me mammy beautiful
…?’’’

‘He was Irish?’ asked Jamie.

‘Yes.’

‘That was a
terrible
Irish accent,’ laughed Jamie.

‘He wanted me to have my hair cut like her… “
Why don’t you get a wee bob like me Mammy?
’’’
 

Jamie laughed some more.

‘The second John, he was nice, but gay… Kyle was lovely too, but dense. He attempted to rob a chip shop, and went to prison…’

My voice trailed off.

‘Don’t stop Nat, this is cheering me up…’ he said, laughing.

‘Well, I’ve reached you,’ I said. Jamie laughed a little more and then stopped.

‘Oh, I thought you were kidding. Go on, I might as well hear it, I’ve had a good laugh at all these other poor blokes.’

‘There’s not that many blokes! And, well you were perfect. I mean no one’s perfect. You were great…’