Missing Child (11 page)

Caitlin froze. ‘Guilt?’

‘And don’t you blame yourself,’ said Karla. ‘I was telling your husband. I’m sure you did all you could, but James just couldn’t live with it.’

The thought that Karla had told what she knew to Noah was enough to make Caitlin feel dizzy with anxiety. She grabbed the back of a chair to steady herself.

‘You do know about it, don’t you?’ Karla looked up at her innocently.

‘Know what?’

‘About the accident.’

Caitlin answered with an edge of impatience in her voice. ‘Yes. I know about it. I just don’t want to talk about it, Karla. Right now, it’s all I can do with Geordie missing . . .’

‘James couldn’t live with himself. He found out that woman had a child and everything. He kept seeing her every time he closed his eyes, running out in front of his truck like that. He literally couldn’t live with it.’

Caitlin felt a sudden flash of anger, remembering James. He had begged her to understand and forgive him. He also begged her not to go to the police. He had been terrified of the consequences. ‘Listen Karla, before you start polishing that halo for James, he wasn’t all that concerned about the person he killed. He just didn’t want to go to jail,’ said Caitlin sharply. ‘His permit was suspended. He was high . . .’

‘I don’t think he was,’ said Karla.

‘Oh for heaven’s sake,’ said Caitlin in exasperation. ‘I was there. I dealt with him every day. Believe me. I know what he was doing at that time.’

‘He bared his heart and soul to me, Caitlin,’ Karla insisted.

‘Karla, I really can’t talk about this.’ She had to end this conversation. She glanced at the door, fearful that Noah might be listening.

Karla nodded sadly and stood up. ‘All I’m saying is, knowing what I know now, I could have offered him some words of comfort that might actually have helped, but at the time . . .’

‘It’s too late now,’ said Caitlin. ‘There’s nothing we can do. It’s in the past.’

She said it firmly, as if to close a door. Then she walked out of the little den and waited for Karla to follow her. Karla came out into the living room, and reluctantly picked up her enormous pocketbook from beside the chair.

‘Thank you for coming all this way,’ said Caitlin stiffly.

‘I just wanted to help,’ said Karla.

‘I know,’ said Caitlin.

‘Well, you take care. I hope you get your son back very soon.’

‘Thank you,’ said Caitlin. She walked the girl to the door and submitted to a brief embrace. As she ran across the yard to her car, Karla lifted her satchel over her head to keep off the rain, and her skirt rode up to the top of her thighs. The holes in her tights were visible as she picked her way down the path. Caitlin watched her get inside the car, make a K-turn and wave before she started back down the driveway. Caitlin kept her gaze fastened to the car until it disappeared. She wanted to be sure she was gone.

She could feel Noah standing behind her before he even spoke. Her mind was racing, and even though she had imagined this conversation a million times she did not know what she was going to say.

‘Caitlin,’ he said.

She turned and looked at him. ‘She’s quite a talkative girl, that one. My brother was crazy about her. I had no idea she was coming.’

‘So she said.’

‘If I’d known, I would have stayed home.’

‘We had an interesting talk,’ he said coldly.

‘Has she been here long?’

‘Long enough,’ he said.

Caitlin nodded.

‘Let’s go out to the car.’

‘What for? It’s raining.’

I want to talk to you, and I don’t really want an audience,’ he said, glancing at the two detectives seated in the dining room.

‘We could go in our room,’ she said.

‘NO,’ he barked. ‘Definitely not.’

‘Let me find my dry boots,’ she said.

‘I’ll be in the car.’

She did not ask him where they were going. She was afraid to start the conversation while he was driving for fear that he would not be able to concentrate on the road. He drove to a park not far from their house, which had been set up by the Lions club. It had a view of the nearby lake, and most days little kids were fond of climbing on the jungle gym or swinging as high as they could go. She often took Geordie here. She could picture him, hanging upside down on the monkey bars, his glasses sliding down his nose, as he called out to her to watch him. The park was deserted today because of the rain.

Noah parked the car and they sat in silence for a moment.

‘Geordie loves it here,’ she said.

‘I don’t want to talk about my son,’ he said. There was no missing the ominous note in his voice.

Finally, Caitlin spoke. ‘Look, I don’t know what she said to you but you seem very upset. I know I never told you all that much about my brother but . . .’

‘Stop,’ he said. He turned and looked at her, and the expression in his eyes was menacing. ‘I want the truth.’

‘I don’t know what you . . .’

‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘I swear to God, Caitlin. Don’t push me. I am at the end of my rope as it is. I just want to know the truth.’

How many times she wished she had told him on that first day. She remembered every moment of that day as if she had lived it in slow motion. She had gone to that garden planting for Emily for one reason only: to find the members of her family and explain to them what had happened. It had taken all her courage to go, but she knew that she owed them the truth. They needed to know what had happened to their loved one. They needed to know that James had paid the price – the ultimate price – for his actions. It was only fair. Her hands shook as she got ready that day, but she forced herself onward, knowing it was the right thing to do. And then she met Noah, who was attractive and smart and made her laugh the first time he spoke to her. She hesitated, and was lost.

‘About . . .’

‘Your brother’s accident. Almost four years ago, wasn’t it? He hit a woman in his car. A young mother. Killed her. And then he ran.’

Caitlin thought she could hear the blood pounding in her own ears. For a moment, in her desperation, she thought to deny it. Say that Karla had it wrong. But she could not bring herself to do it. It was one thing never to have confessed it. It was another thing to deny it. She could make up a name, another victim. But then, immediately, she knew that it was no use. He would be able to find out she was lying in no time. He was an attorney. He was used to researching crimes. And clearly, he already suspected the truth. He was not going to just let it go.

‘Yes. That’s true.’

‘Who was it? Who was the woman?’

Caitlin took a deep breath. She wanted to start by making an excuse. By explaining. But it was too late for explanations. Hopelessness filled her to the brim. She really had no choice. ‘It was Emily,’ she said. ‘It was your wife.’

TEN

N
oah sat very still, staring through the windshield. ‘I thought so,’ he said.

‘I wanted to tell you,’ she said.

Noah turned his head and looked at her blankly.

Caitlin shook her head. ‘I know how that sounds.’

‘You can’t imagine,’ he said.

‘No. But you have to believe me. I never intended to deceive you, Noah, the day we met. The day we were all planting the garden for Emily. I went there that day with one goal in mind. I knew Emily’s family would be there, and I wanted to . . . tell everything I knew.’

‘But you didn’t,’ he said flatly.

‘No. I didn’t. I met you and . . . I lost my nerve. I couldn’t figure out . . . It was a stupid idea. I should have realized that that was the worst possible moment.’

‘So, when I called you, and asked you out, you decided it would be better if I didn’t know that it was your brother who had made me a widower. Took my wife. Took my son’s mother from him . . .’

‘It wasn’t like that. You make it sound like I had some kind of plan. I tried so many times to find the words. But I never expected to become involved with you. I was in love with you before I knew it and I was afraid . . .’

Noah held up a hand as if to shield himself from her. ‘Oh, please,’ he said, his voice dripping sarcasm. ‘The love defense.’

‘It’s not a defense. I’m not trying to defend myself. I just want you to know how this happened.’

Noah would not meet her pleading gaze. ‘You knew this all along. From the day it happened . . .’

‘Not . . . exactly,’ she said. ‘Not everything. I mean . . . I knew that he hit someone in the car . . . At first he wouldn’t say where the accident happened. But I figured it out from what I saw on the news.’

‘No. Stop. Let’s not call this an accident, shall we? Let’s call it what it was. It was vehicular homicide. It was a murder. The driver was going so fast that Emily was instantly killed. She was checking the mail. Our baby . . . Geordie was still in the car. Asleep in his car seat while his mother was killed. The driver never stopped. He never tried to help her. He left her to die in the street. That was your brother.’

Caitlin shook her head. ‘I know. I’m so sorry . . . And I’m not trying to make excuses for him. There’s no excuse. I told him that he had to turn himself in. He agreed that he would, but then he hid in his room. He wouldn’t come out or speak to me.

‘I knew I had to do something. I kept thinking about the family of the woman he hit. How they must feel. And what my own parents would have wanted me to do. I knew what was right, but it was so difficult. I made up my mind, though. I went to his room and I told him that we were going to go to the police in the morning. He was lying on his bed with his back to me. I told him that he had to face the consequences of what he’d done. That night he overdosed. The next morning I found him . . . dead.’

Noah’s gaze was stony. ‘Am I supposed to feel bad about that?’

Caitlin hesitated. ‘No. No, I guess I wouldn’t expect that.’

‘You guess? You knew this all along. You knew this and you said nothing?’

‘I’m not going to make excuses. I . . .’

‘You knew this and you married me? You pretended to care for Geordie? Emily’s son?’

Caitlin wiped away her tears. ‘Don’t say “pretended.” That’s not fair.’

‘Fair?’ he demanded. ‘You have the nerve to talk about what’s fair?’

‘I’m just trying to explain, Noah,’ she said. ‘You know me. We’ve been together for two years now. Two and a half if you count our courtship. You must know I didn’t do this to hurt you. I was a coward, I admit that. And it has been a form of torture to know this and not be able to tell you. Sometimes, I would see an opening and think, ‘Now. Do it now.’ But I didn’t want to see the look in your eyes. That look. The one in your eyes right now. I couldn’t bear it. I’ve been so happy with you. I thought maybe it would just . . . dissipate in time.’

‘Dissipate,’ he said.

‘I don’t know the word. Diminish, I guess. I hoped that in time the pain would diminish and I would find an opportunity to tell you.’

‘Or not,’ he said.

‘Not?’ she asked.

‘Not tell me. Never tell me. That was your real plan, wasn’t it?’

‘I didn’t have a plan. Like I said, I guess was waiting for an opening. A moment . . .’

‘What were you expecting the perfect opportunity to be? Christmas? My birthday?’

‘Don’t say that,’ she pleaded. ‘Don’t. You don’t mean that. You make it sound like I was trying to hurt you. Haven’t you ever gotten into a situation that you just couldn’t resolve? That just . . . got out of hand?’

‘No,’ he said. ‘Frankly, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.’

She felt the brutal force of his words like a slap across her face. She flinched, but she had no urge to retaliate. She deserved his contempt. It was her own fault. ‘Look, I don’t blame you for being angry. I’d be furious if I were you. But try to remember that it wasn’t me that was driving that car. It wasn’t me that killed Emily.’

Noah took a deep breath and stared at her. She hoped that he was hearing what she said, and considering the impossibility of the situation she had found herself in. She hoped, but she didn’t really believe it. He was looking at her with a loathing she hadn’t imagined was possible. Part of her wanted to blame Karla for blundering into a situation she didn’t understand, but Caitlin knew better. It wasn’t Karla’s fault. Not any of this. She did this to herself. She should have spoken, and she didn’t. She’d had a million opportunities, and she let them go.

‘Noah?’ she said. ‘Say something.’

Noah shook his head, still gazing at her. ‘How do I know this is true?’ he said. ‘How do I know anything you say is true? I only have your word for it. Now I see what your word is worth.’

‘Don’t say that, Noah. We need each other right now. We need to stick together. We’re so frantic about Geordie . . .’

‘There is no “we,” Caitlin.’

‘That’s not true,’ she whispered.

‘Now I have to doubt everything you’ve ever said to me. I mean, did you take Geordie to school on Monday? Or was there an accident? Maybe you decided not to tell me. For my own good. Better to think he disappeared?’

‘Noah.’ She was stunned by what he was suggesting.

‘I don’t know you, Caitlin. I don’t know what you’re capable of.’

‘Are you accusing me? Of . . . hurting Geordie?’

Noah stared at her. ‘Well?’

‘How could you?’ she said.

‘How could I?’

That’s enough, she thought. That’s enough. I was wrong. I did the wrong thing. But to accuse me, to even suggest that I would hurt Geordie . . . She didn’t know what she was going to do. She didn’t know where she was going to turn. She just knew that she wasn’t sitting in that car with him for another minute. Caitlin opened the car door, slid out, and slammed it shut.

He did not look at her or urge her to get back in. The drizzle was seeping under the collar of her raincoat and down her face. She turned away from the car and began to walk. He did not call out to her, or come after her. She walked toward the entrance to the park and then, slowly, out to the street. She reminded herself to be careful on this road. It was the same road where Emily had died. Where James had run her down.

She shoved her hands into her pockets and began to walk back in the direction of the house. In a few moments, Noah’s car emerged from the park. He drove past her without a glance in her direction.