Missing You (35 page)
Authors: Louise Douglas
Tags: #Domestic Animals, #Single Mothers, #Fiction, #Romance, #General, #Love Stories
Something is different.
The green wooden gate at the end of the garden is open and a single set of dark footprints are clearly defined in the dew on the grass. Fen follows the footprints with her eyes, and they lead from the gate across the lawn to the undercroft.
Fen’s heartbeat ratchets up several notches.
She takes a deep breath.
She unlocks the back door and walks down the steps. The concrete is stone-cold beneath her bare feet and the autumn air chills her lungs.
She peers through the window of the undercroft, but it’s dark inside and she can’t see anything.
She pushes opens the wooden door. It’s heavy. It creaks.
It takes her eyes a moment to accustom themselves to the gloom, but slowly the shape of him comes into focus. He’s in the corner, between the lawnmower and Connor’s pushchair, beside the stack of flowerpots and the recycling boxes, huddled and shivering and hollow-eyed.
He is wearing a big old coat, and his arms are wrapped around himself. His face looks very tired, even in the shadows.
Fen tries to breathe slowly. She tries to stay calm and not give way to the earthquake that’s going on inside her. She steadies herself against the door frame.
‘Hi,’ he says, casually.
‘Hi.’
They nod at one another awkwardly.
‘Fancy meeting you here,’ says Sean.
Fen smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear.
‘When did you get here?’ she asks.
‘In the early hours. I slept in the car for a while. I thought it’d be warmer in here but it wasn’t.’
‘Why didn’t you let yourself into the house? You still have a key, don’t you?’
‘I thought it would be presuming too much.’
‘Oh.’
‘You’re wearing my T-shirt,’ he says.
‘Do you mind?’
‘Not at all.’
‘I was going to wash it and send it back to you.’
‘Don’t. It looks better on you.’
‘Actually, I wasn’t going to give it back,’ she says. ‘I was going to wear it forever.’
He smiles.
‘What happened?’ she asks. ‘Why are you here?’
He scratches his chin.
‘It’s thanks to Lola. She made me understand that Belle couldn’t help being how she was, and she put her in touch with someone who could help.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah, she’s in counselling now, working out what she wants.’
Fen looks at her feet.
‘What does she want?’
‘She’s not too sure yet. Some space, for the time being. But that’s beside the point. I’ve also had some time to work out what I want, what’s right for me.’
‘Oh?’
‘And that’s you, and Amy, and Connor. And us – if that’s all right with you. I’ve told Belle. She knows and she’s OK with it.’
‘But . . . How? Belle won’t want to lose Amy.’
‘She won’t lose her. Amy can see Belle whenever she wants, but mainly she’ll be living here, with us. Sorry, I’m presuming again. I mean we need to talk about that first, obviously.’
‘Are you sure it’ll be all right this time? Are you sure Belle won’t change her mind?’
‘She’s had her chances. She’s made her choices. It’s our life now. If you want it to be our life, I mean – that is, yours and mine.’
Fen’s mouth is dry. She swallows.
‘And the kids, obviously.’
She looks down at herself, at her pale legs, her thin feet and the tattoo around her ankle.
‘I thought you might be . . . pleased,’ he says.
Fen turns. She looks out of the undercroft door and squints against the brightness of the morning.
Sean sighs. He says quietly: ‘You could always to tell me to fuck off, Fen. Nobody would blame you.’
He stares at her. She feels his gaze on her face, her shoulder, her back.
She has a million questions. She has a million doubts, a million insecurities. But she is certain of one thing. She isn’t going to do or say anything she may later regret. She is going to leave the door to her future wide open so that every opportunity has its chance to blossom.
‘The kettle’s on,’ she says. ‘Would you like some tea?’
He says: ‘I thought you’d never ask.’
Fen reaches out her hand to help him up, and his cold fingers close around hers and she knows that this time he has chosen to come to her. He has not washed up at her door by accident.
This is a better time. Everything is better now and somewhere in her heart Fen knows she need not worry. She sees their future reveal itself, one moment at a time, like new frames on a film, and although she does not know what will happen, she knows that Sean and she will be together for as long as their hearts continue to beat.
acknowledgements
Thank you to Thalia Suzuma and the team at Pan Macmillan for your kindness, professionalism and wisdom, and especially Imogen Taylor, who once again came up with the perfect title as well as suggesting many improvements. Also heartfelt thanks to Marianne Gunn O’Connor, Pat Lynch, Alison Walsh and Vicki Satlow for everything you’ve done to help and support me.
Thank you also to the multi-talented author Milly Johnson, who has been a constant source of advice, reassurance, common sense and humour as well as a true friend.
Love and thanks to all my family and friends. Thank you for being there for me; I know how lucky I am.
The idea for Fen’s story was formed during Glastonbury 2008, where I was working shifts preparing bacon rolls. The highlight of the festival for me was Massive Attack’s set on the Saturday night. It was a privilege to see them perform live; their music continued to be an inspiration over the following months and played an important part in setting the mood of the book. On the Sunday we listened to Leonard Cohen in the sunshine and standing nearby was a good-looking man who became, in the book, Sean. I am also addicted to Faithless, particularly their song ‘Don’t Leave’, which always put me in the right frame of mind for sad chapters, and Jeff Buckley’s album
Grace
. His version of ‘Hallelujah’ is the perfect soundtrack for writing love scenes.
Finally I’d like to acknowledge Polly, our beautiful, sweet and infinitely gentle rescue dog, who was at my side during the writing of every word of the first draft of this novel. I miss you.
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