Missing Your Smile (10 page)

Not that he had given it much thought at the time, but looking back, the praise certainly hadn't helped. His interest had been stirred before he ever met Eunice in person. Now what was he to do? Write a letter to Susan? Thomas laughed again. Now that would really kill off the relationship. What kind of foolish letter could he write to New Jersey?

Dear Susan
,

Thomas imagined the words looking awkward on the page.

I'm sorry for what happened between us, and I consider the matter to be mainly my fault. Please forgive me, which I don't think you will. So now that our relationship is over, I've been thinking the last few months about also doing something crazy with my life. Something like leaving the Amish for the Mennonites. What do you think about that?

I know I never thought I would take such a step before, but I wanted to let you know how things are turning out. I've just been thinking that perhaps if I'd take such a step it would make it easier for you to return. Would you consider this, please?

I know you were happy on the farm, and I don't want to be the reason for your departure from the Amish. So maybe I should leave, getting my tail out of the community for your sake. Would that help you with coming back?

I'm very sorry for what happened. I hope things are going well with you. Best wishes. Hopefully I will hear from you soon
.

He laughed again. There would be no such letter. And he had no plans to join the Mennonites, Susan or no Susan. Nor did he plan to leave the community, even with how horribly things had turned out. Susan had refused to speak to him or see him after she caught him in the conversation and kiss with Eunice. Even when he visited her house later during the week, she sent her
mamm
to the door. She'd left the hymn singings by herself or with her cousin Duane.

But leaving for the
Englisha
world? Now Susan was taking things pretty far. Apparently he had totally misjudged her. Did she have a wild side all this time, and his interest in Eunice gave her the chance to do what she'd wanted to do all along? Susan was deliciously sweet but obviously a little dangerous. But that only added to her charm. She was still Amish at heart, and once Amish a person was always Amish. Is that not what Deacon Ray always said? Susan would surely be manageable if he could win her back.
But how do I do that?
he wondered.

Thomas jumped and looked up as his
daett
came through the paint room door.

“Phew, it's rough in there!” his
daett
muttered, taking off his face mask.

“I'll take my turn,” Thomas offered, lifting his mask off the wall.

“Take it easy in there,” his
daett
said as Thomas slid on the face mask and fastened the straps under his chin.

Thomas nodded and disappeared, closing the door behind him.

He glanced around, trying to see with the amount of light coming in from the windows. Gas lanterns couldn't be used in the paint room, and there were no electric lights, of course. Even a small portable generator was out of the question. Deacon Ray would be down here the first Saturday night if he heard such news. No excuses would be accepted. What a shame that was. On cloudy days like this, even the large windows all along the outer wall let in insufficient light for running the air sprayers.

The quality didn't suffer, but it sure strained the eyes and slowed the work. Why must life be so hard to maintain the traditions of the fathers? But he shouldn't be questioning his life right now. Still, that was apparently what happened to a man's thinking when a girl sent him packing. Leave it to a girl to muddle it all up until he couldn't tell which side of the world was up or down. She had even provoked him to think about leaving for the Mennonites. That was too awful an idea to even think about.

Thomas grabbed the stain gun and began, running a thin spray up and down where his
daett
had left off. As he worked, he couldn't stop his thoughts.
Perhaps I should take Eunice home some Sunday night?
The idea jolted him.
What an awful thing to consider. And what if Susan found out? But Susan is in Asbury Park
. He smiled, running the sprayer up and down the cabinet doors. What would it be like to have Eunice with him in the buggy? No girl had ever sat there but Susan or his sisters. Was Eunice really as much fun as Susan said she was? That conversation outside Emery Yoder's house had been interesting enough.

He could sneak Eunice out some Sunday evening without anyone knowing.
That is, if my sisters could keep their mouths shut. And they would if they knew what was good for them
. His hand paused, the sprayer light in his fingers, his heart racing at the thought.

T
homas sat at the supper table, staring out of the kitchen window. Thoughts raced through his mind, the last splash of color on the western horizon unnoticed.
Tonight would be a
gut
night to pay a visit to Eunice
, he thought.
Why should I wait any longer when my mind is made up?

“Thomas, do you want a piece of pie?”

His
mamm's
voice jerked him out of his daze.

“He's thinking about Susan so far away and gone.” His oldest sister, Lizzie, smirked. “He's mourning the
gut
thing he's lost.”

“No, I'm not. And don't bring up Susan,” Thomas said. “I was thinking of better things.”

“
Hah!
Like there are any,” Lizzie said.

“You wouldn't know.” Thomas tried to look calm as he finished the last bite on his plate. “And,
yah
, I'll take some of your pie,
Mamm
.”

“Well, it sure wouldn't be like you, passing up pie,”
Mamm
said. “I hope you're feeling okay. Speaking of Susan, I'm sure you two can work out whatever your differences are. But I don't see how it can be with her gone to that
Englisha
city. Of course, if that's even true.”

“It is true,” Lizzie said. Two of the other sisters nodded as Lizzie continued, “And she'll be getting herself into all kinds of trouble, if you ask me. You should have kept the girl under control while you had her, Thomas. Shame on you.”

“I tried to patch things up, but it didn't work,” Thomas said in his defense.

“Then I take it you have broken up for good?”
Daett
said.

“I'm not sure,” Thomas said. “But,
yah
, I guess it could be. It just sort of happened.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,”
Daett
said. “You made a nice couple.”

“Don't go saying that,”
Mamm
said. “Thomas probably feels bad enough already.”

“Did she dump you?”
Daett
asked, cutting into his pie.

“
Daett!
”
Mamm
said. “Don't be asking such things.”

Lizzie made a choking sound from her corner of the table.

Thomas glared in her direction. There was nothing more he had to say about the matter. He supposed all this was mostly his fault.

“You don't have to talk about it,”
Mamm
was saying. “It's always hard—these things are. But they do happen.”

“That's right.”
Daett
chewed on his pie. “Sometimes something will happen that takes two people in different directions.”

“Have you tried contacting Susan?”
Mamm
asked. “Perhaps you could write her a letter.”

Thomas laughed. “She'd probably tear the paper to pieces as soon as she saw the return address.”

Daett
smiled. “Women do cool off over time, so don't be so sure about that.”

“Well,
I
wouldn't write him back,” Lizzie announced. “I'd make any boy suffer if he did to me what Thomas did to Susan.”

“Now, now,”
Mamm
said. “We all make mistakes. But you didn't do anything inappropriate, did you, Thomas?”

“No, of course not.”

“He was sneaking around with her best friend, Eunice,” Lizzie said.

Thomas kept his mouth shut. Let Lizzie have her say. It was better to get this over with than to have it fester in everyone's mind.

“You shouldn't be accusing your brother,”
Mamm
said.

“Well, he did,” Lizzie said. “I heard it straight from a good source.”

“I didn't realize what I was doing was that serious,” Thomas admitted. He finished the last piece of his pie. “
Yah
, I did speak with Eunice after hymn singing one night, and Susan didn't like that. Now it's over between us.”

“I think Thomas should visit Susan, wherever she's at,” Margaret, the twelve-year-old, offered.

“Me? Go visit her?” Thomas said. “I don't think so.”

“You never know what an apology given face-to-face might do,”
Mamm
said.

“Is the girl worth that much?”
Daett
asked.

“
Daett!
”
Mamm
said again. “Don't push the boy too far.”

“She's worth a whole lot,” Thomas said. “I just don't think it would work. Plus, I've never been out of Indiana. Besides, it might not be that simple anyway. Susan might have someone else by now. Perhaps an
Englisha
man. I mean, she's out in the world. Not that I think she'd do anything wrong, but I figure there are plenty of men who would be interested in her.”

“You shouldn't be so down on yourself,”
Daett
said, getting up and patting Thomas on the shoulder. “Never let your thinking of yourself stand in the way of speaking to a woman, son. Look at me and the charming woman I got. Why, every boy in the community was clamoring to take her home after the singings. Well, I walked in, spoke to her, and that was all there was to it!”

“You did not!”
Mamm's
cheeks were red.

“Come on now,”
Daett
teased.

Mamm
offered a small smile. “You were something, I have to admit.”

“See!”
Daett
said. “I'm an expert in such matters. Be a man and go after the woman, Thomas!”

“But not to the
Englisha
city!”
Mamm
gasped. “I don't think that's a good idea. It could be dangerous.”

“Perhaps you're right,”
Daett
agreed. “That is not the way of our people. And now I think we've pestered poor Thomas with enough advice for one evening. Don't you agree?”

“We're so sorry that things didn't turn out well, Thomas,”
Mamm
said.

Thomas nodded as
Daett
bowed his head for the closing supper prayer. After
Daett
finished, Thomas went up to his room and changed into a clean shirt and pants. If Susan had suspected the worst about him and Eunice, and if it was all over between them, then why not consider seeing Eunice? He had nothing more to lose.

Leaving his room, he passed Lizzie in the stair hallway.

“You changed your clothes. Where are you going?” Lizzie asked.

“Out!” he said, not slowing his pace. “And keep your mouth shut about it.”

“
Mamm
and
Daett
will see you,” she said.

He didn't answer as he closed the stair door behind him. Of course they would see him, but that wasn't the problem. It would be seeing Eunice that was the problem, and so he wouldn't tell them. It was that simple.

“I'll be back before long,” he said to
Mamm
in the kitchen.
Daett
hadn't looked up in the living room, thankfully.
Mamm
could pass on the information if
Daett
asked. Likely
Daett
wouldn't care as long as he wasn't sleepy tomorrow morning for work.

“You're not up to something you shouldn't be doing are you?”
Mamm
asked, concern on her face.