MisStaked (22 page)

"Breathred, see if Luna has any Midol. I think we're looking at a total PMS meltdown up here,” the chimp whispered.

"Stud, just shut up and sit down for the love of heaven, before she throws us out and we have to walk all the way back to Seattle,” Breathred warned, looking to make sure Dr. Grayson hadn't overheard the chimp.

"Why the hell, should I shut up? She's the one crazed on hormones trying to kill me."

"I don't care. You either sit down, or by God, I'm calling the vet about a vasectomy as soon as we get back."

"Okay, but I'm calling Al Sharpton first. This is another case of the white man, keeping the primate down. He'll organize a million monkey march on your ass,” Stud said, before sliding back down in his seat.

Breathred was grateful for the silence that reigned for the thirty minutes it took them to finally reach the checkpoint. For most of that time, Breathred was bopping Stud in the head every time the chimp started to open his mouth. When he missed one, he was glad to note Luna was more than happy to fill in for him. Between the two of them, Stud was nursing a head full of aches when the Mounty came to their window.

Breathred sat up, as Dr. Grayson rolled the window down and handed the officer a stack of papers from over the visor.

The Mounty leafed through the papers. “This all looks to be in order.” The officer let them wait while he wrote the information on his clipboard.

"Do you need to see our passports officer?” Dr. Grayson asked.

Breathred could tell she wanted to get as far from there as possible. He did, too. Stud was getting fidgety. All they needed was for him to go on a rampage now. There were international consequences to take into consideration.

"No, ma'am. All the information was in these forms, but you will be asked to show them on your return. So, make sure to keep them with you,” the officer replied politely.

"Thanks, Dudley Do Right. Now, can you hurry this up?” Stud said, leaping into Dr. Grayson's lap. “I got to take a wicked poo."

The Mounty fell back, his clipboard dropping to the ground in his shock. He squinted into the car window. Stud stuck his tongue at him, sending the man sprinting toward checkpoint station.

Breathred fell back into his seat, followed by everyone else in the van. He just knew they were going to jail. No, not jail, prison. There was a difference. In jail you could make bail. In prison you did your best not to get Shawshanked in the shower.

"Stud, can't you behave for once in your life?” Luna reached over the seat and smacked him across the back of the head.

"Hell, I got to shit! What do you want me to do, crap on the dash?"

Breathred caught sight of the Mounty returning with another in tow. They were in for it now. He sank down in the seat waiting for the cuffs. Let Luna beat Stud all she wanted. It wouldn't change the fact, he was about to become jail bait for some man named, Skillet.

"Miss, would you all mind stepping out of the vehicle?” The new officer opened the door for Dr. Grayson, while Breathred cringed in the backseat.

None of them said a word as they got out and walked around to where the mounties stood. Even Stud was subdued, which Breathred thanked God for. The chimp's mouth had gotten them into enough trouble without adding any more time onto their sentences.

"Dr. Grayson, we feel it only fair to warn you it is illegal to enter our country with a falsified passport,” the first officer said.

"Sir, I assure you every piece of documentation is correct. No one is trying to enter Canada illegally."

"Then how do you explain him?” The Mounty pointed to Stud.

Dr. Grayson threw her hands in the air. “To be honest with you, I can't."

"We thought as much. Normally, we would have to detain you, but seeing as how we're such big fans, we're willing to let the matter drop for a photograph and autograph from Mr. De Vito.” The officer smiled.

"Say what?” Breathred said in disbelief. Luna grabbed hold of his arm. He wasn't sure if it was to keep her from laughing or him from falling to the ground in tears.

He pulled a digital camera from his pocket. “We just want our picture taken with the great Danny De Vito. We know he's probably trying to keep a low profile, but we can't help ourselves."

Breathred couldn't believe it. Sure, he was short and hairy but Stud was no Danny De Vito. Heck, he wasn't even Clyde from those silly Clint Eastwood movies. It was a good thing there was a border between Canada and the U.S.A. Otherwise everybody would be on whatever these guys were taking.

"Out of my way. My fans await.” Stud pushed his way past Breathred and Luna.

Breathred winced as Luna dug her fingers into his arm and burst out laughing. He wasn't sure but if Luna kept it up she was going to pee herself. To be on the safe side he moved a little to the left.

"Now, be sure to capture my right side. No, my right. This isn't England, boy. Wrong side of the road entirely. Now, Jethro, who should I make this out to?” Stud asked, sounding like an unconvincing Louie De Palma.

"Steve, Mr. Devito. Could you put ‘To my best bud, Steve'?” The Mounty asked.

Stud gave Breathred a sly wink. “Sure thing, Jethro."

That was as much as Breathred could stomach. He walked back to the van and leaned against the side. Thankfully, far enough away from Stud and the Mounties he couldn't hear what they were saying. Breathred wasn't sure he could listen to any more without throwing up. There would be no living with Stud after this.

Twenty minutes later they were on their way again. Stud sat smugly in the back next to Luna. Breathred would have sat with him, but the chimp's smug jibes had driven him into the front seat, even before they left the checkpoint.

The van rolled down the road. The other vans and the U-Haul filled with the rest of the team and equipment were close behind. After a while it seemed they were the only four vehicles on the highway. That suited Breathred just fine. He had much to mull over. Least of which was a chimp with an inflated ego.

Luna was drifting off to sleep again. Her sudden sleepiness was beginning to worry him. Ever since they started on this little trip, she had been acting funny. No, that wasn't true either. Luna started acting funny last night after she came back from wherever it was she went for the whole day.

Despite what she said, something was up. As much as Breathred wanted to ask, he wouldn't. She had the right to keep some things secret. Who was he to say she couldn't? Breathred had a whole houseful he was doing his best to keep locked away.

The sudden emergence of his past was the other thing worrying him. Seeing Jessica at the team get-together had been a shock. The woman knew more about him than the friends he trusted with everything—everything but the truth. Stud didn't even have a clue about what had happened to him and why he was the way he was.

His father had an idea, but had never questioned him when he came home from Oxford. R.J. was just glad to have his son home. Glad to have him home safe would have been closer to the truth. His father might be gruff and vocal about his son's shortcomings, but he still loved him.

Breathred had sworn never to look back. For the most part, he kept that promise to himself. Now, he was all but forsaking his promise for a girl. But even that wasn't true. Breathred was forsaking it for THE GIRL. After the past few days Breathred could see she was the one for him, not that he would admit it to her just yet. He still had some male pride. It wasn't much, but it was enough to keep his mouth shut for the time being.

Breathred just didn't know if he could be the man she needed. Face it. He was a geek. Not just a geek, but the king of all geeks. What kind of girl loved a man like that? Sure Luna cared for him, but love? He just couldn't see it.

Luna was beautiful, smart, and funny. The way her eyes twinkled made him feel things he had never felt before. Things Breathred wasn't even sure were legal. He'd seen the way other men looked at her at the Jumper. She had to know how beautiful she was. So, that begged the question—why was she with him?

Blue lights from a passing bus highlighted his face, etching his pain in the window. Maybe, he should just accept the time Luna was willing to spend with him. She made him feel good, better than good. He deserved a little happiness, right? For the first time in his life Breathred felt invincible, and she made him that way.

Breathred knew it probably wouldn't last. Still, he could convince himself it would. He had convinced himself of stranger things, and they came true. If he was really good, maybe this would, too. God, Breathred hoped it did, because the thought of losing her was more than he could stand.

Leopold looked out the plane's window. They had just crossed into Canadian airspace. He felt a momentary twinge. The chosen sacrifice was below them. Well, not directly below. By now the virgin was ten miles behind them, if not more. Damn, planes moved too fast for him.

The vampire missed the days of week-long trips through the peasant-infested villages of Europe, stopping for the night, and getting a quick bite off some buxom lass with her corset cinched up so tight her nipples poked you in the eye when you bent down to feed. God, those were the days.

Those days were behind him, thanks to Lewis and the revelation. Who knew cinema could change a man's outlook so irrevocably? To this day the sight of Tim Curry still made him go weak in the knees. Leopold must remember to send his featured selection in to Columbia House so he could own
Rocky Horror
for his very own and not be troubled with the garish displays prevalent at the midnight showings.

Which brought him back to his original point, now, you didn't know what you were biting. He once bit this marvelous creature only to discover it was a woman. A woman! After that, he avoided flannel with a passion.

Scanning the cabin, Leopold found the dreadful Easily woman asleep in her seat. Her senseless prattle had almost driven him insane, like he cared anything about her trivial concerns. The sooner he had no further use for her, the better.

Lewis and Dr. Truehart were talking in hushed tones. Leopold could have listened in if he wanted to, but lacked sufficient interest to bother. Lewis was still on his shit-list from earlier. He would forgive him eventually, but for now Leopold preferred to let his anger stew. The boy had a lot to learn about the master/vamp-in-training relationship. Leopold was growing tired of the tedium of the whole project.

Truehart, on the other hand, was intriguing. The man was the perfect balance of brains and passion. Given time he could shape up to be the perfect addition to Leopold's little family. But there could only be two—a Master and an apprentice. No, wait a minute, that was Sith Jedi. He always got them confused. Damn George Lucas and his
Star Wars
!

Leopold's eyes shifted back to the blackened window. In less than three hours he would be one step closer to the Mother. Marcus was wrong. Leopold did know what the Mother was capable of. He just didn't care. He wanted this—wanted the power the rebirth of the Mother promised.

For too long Leopold had hidden in the shadows of the night, like a frightened beast. The others might be content to live like mice, but he wasn't. Vampires were born to rule this world, not run from it. Marcus had forgotten that. Leopold wasn't about to make their mistake. That was why he was going to be a king and Marcus would be the footstool he wiped his feet on.

The mental picture brought a smile to his face. Sometimes it was good to be an evil son of a bitch.

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Beware the urge to face the unknown alone. There are always enough people who are more than willing to go along for the ride.

"I'm not joking. I really have to poo,” Stud whined from the backseat.

The chimp had been complaining for the past fifty miles. Now that Breathred thought about it, he'd been doing it ever since they had left the Mounty checkpoint at the border. Stud had said something about it at the station before the whole Danny De Vito debacle. Maybe, the nasty beast really had to go. Stud did suffer from irritable bowel syndrome from time to time.

"Pipe down, back there. I refuse to stop until we get to the motel,” Dr. Grayson grumbled before Breathred could speculate on the matter further.

Stud reached over the seat to give her head a quick tap to illustrate his point. “Look, lady. If I don't see some porcelain soon, I won't be responsible for what happens. You know what I mean."

Breathred looked over at the chimp. Stud wasn't fooling. His face had a scrunched up look to it and he was doing the one legged jig he reserved only for special occasions and the odd Bar Mitzvah. Stud's bowel situation wasn't the problem though. The real problem would be convincing the good doctor of the fact. Before he could open his mouth Old Stankful blew.

"Oh, my God. Roll down the windows,” Luna gasped, as an explosion reverberated from the back of the van.

Before the words finished leaving her mouth, the cloud of methane hit Breathred like a steam engine going full tilt. His nose hairs curled at the foul stench permeating the entire interior of the mini-van. Sucking in what little clean oxygen he could, Breathred rushed to roll down his window on the off chance Stud happened to let loose a second booty barrage.

Once the first wave of nausea passed, Breathred looked over to see Dr. Grayson was doing her best Fido impression, her head slung from the driver's side window, as she too gasped for clean air. The wind whipped her hair so wildly, he wondered how the woman could possibly see, let alone drive. The truth be told, his eyes were burning so badly he could barely see her himself.

"Stud, what did I tell you about eating convenience store egg salad sandwiches!” Luna exclaimed, as she fanned the air back toward him.

"It was either them or the pimento cheese, and I hate how they smell on my breath,” Stud grabbed the pine tree hanging from the rear view mirror and waved it toward the back of the van.

"Well, I don't like how the other smells on your ass."

"Luna! Language, please!” Breathred shouted, his voice shrill with his shock and displeasure. Sometimes the things that came out of that girl's mouth would make the Devil himself blush. Didn't women know how to act like ladies anymore?