Mitigation (3 page)

Nothing has changed
between Matt and me since I returned from Nashville.

Every night this
week, he’s shown up like clockwork and proceeded to wring the
most exquisite pleasure out of my body. I returned the favor to him,
time and again.

No, nothing has
changed in that regard. We are still combustible. We are still
insatiable. There is a driving need for him to be inside of me, and
there is a raging desire for me to let him get there.

I tried to get him
to open up to me. That first night after I returned, I waited until
we had collapsed on my bed. Both of us rolled onto our backs and
gasped for air as we stared at the ceiling. When our pulses started
to decline, I rolled on my side to face him and said, “I wanted
to thank you again for coming to Nashville. That really meant a lot
to me.”

Matt slowly turned
his head to look at me, his face impassive. He gave me a dim smile
and said, “It was no biggie.”

No biggie? The man
dropped everything and flew to be by my side while my mom died. How
can that be nothing?

So I tried again,
“It was a big deal, Matt. It changes things… don’t
you think?”

I couldn’t
believe it… it was panic that I saw flare bright in his eyes.
He looked like he was ready to bolt from the bed while I stared at
him in interest. Then, the panic receded and was replaced by desire.
He dragged his gaze down my body and said, “I have a better
idea—less talk and more action.”

He then proceeded to
render me speechless with just his lips alone. By the time he was
done with me, I had no desire for more conversation. I was well and
truly spent, and I fell asleep almost right away.

Of course, he was
gone when I woke up the next morning.

Now my doorbell
rings, and I want to kick myself in the ass for the way my blood
fires up, knowing Matt is on the other side. Tonight will be the
same—wonderfully hot sex with an emotionally closed-off man. As
you can see, there are pros and cons to this scenario.

The pros? That’s
easy… I’ll get a minimum of three orgasms, and if I only
get the minimum, that means Matt’s having an off night. I’ll
get to have hours of pure heaven, having a man that is focused
usually on just my pleasure, only taking his when he’s
confident he’s given me all he has.

The cons? Every day
that I allow this pattern to occur, I’m only reiterating to
Matt that this relationship—or lack thereof—is
acceptable. I am giving him no reason to want more with me, because
frankly… he’s getting everything he desires.

I have to ask
myself,
What do you really want, Mac?

Figure it out and go
get it. And if you can’t get it, cut ties and run.

So with a burst of
renewed spirit to take the bull—which is Matt—by the
horns, I open the door and say, “We need to talk.”

There’s no
panic this time, just a self-assured confidence as he steps through
my doorway. He sticks the tips of his fingers into the waistband of
my shorts, giving me a small jerk to make my body press up against
his. He inclines his head and whispers against my neck, just after he
flicks his tongue out. “Talk later… I want you too much
right now.”

My knees turn to
jelly just from that small touch, but he doesn’t have me
completely under his thrall just yet. I give myself a mental shake of
the head and push back from him.

“No. Talk now.
Sex later.” I give him my most-determined look.

He appraises me, and
then his lips curl upward in a challenging way. “I tell you
what. If you can carry on a rational conversation with me for just
thirty seconds while I try to seduce you, I’ll give you my
undivided attention for the next two hours. You can talk until you’re
blue in the face. Deal?”

Hmmmm. Could I keep
my head on straight for thirty seconds? For the opportunity to get
two hours of talk time with Matt? I’m practically drooling over
the prospect of having his attention for that long.

“Deal,”
I say emphatically, confident I have this in the bag. How hard could
thirty seconds be?

Matt lunges at me,
and I don’t even have time to prepare. In fact, his sudden move
shocks me so greatly that all of my thoughts scatter to the wind.
Within the first five seconds, he picks me up, tosses me on the
couch, and pulls my shorts and underwear off. His hands are quick and
assured when he drops to his knees in front of me and spreads my
legs.

He gives me one
look… filled with challenge. “Come on, Mac… you
have about twenty seconds left to carry on a conversation. Let’s
make it easy. Tell me about your favorite movie.”

Then Matt dives his
mouth between my legs. He goes straight for the main attraction,
clamping his lips on me tight and sucking hard. My hips buck up so
violently that I almost throw him off, but his hands grip me tighter
and he doesn’t let go. This is an all-out attack by Matt, and
he is utterly merciless.

I’m
experiencing the most intensely erotic thing he’s ever done to
me so far. I know I’m supposed to be talking about something,
but for the life of me, I can’t remember what it is. I can only
think of his tongue, his fingers, his lips… and the way the
stubble on his cheeks rubs the insides of my thighs because my legs
are practically clamped onto his head.

I can’t think…
I can only feel, and I start to think… maybe this is best.
Maybe I should only feel with Matt and quit trying to out think our
relationship.

I fail miserably at
my task. I am doomed. I can’t even say one intelligent word
while Matt feasts, causing electric pleasure to explode within me.

Still floating among
the stars from my orgasm, I’m vaguely aware of Matt pulling me
up, walking me around the other side of the couch, and bending me
over it. I can hear the pop of his button and the zip of his pants
coming undone, and then he’s plunging into me while I hang
practically upside down.

It’s wildly
intense what he’s doing to me, and he manages to bring me to
another quick orgasm before he’s shooting into me while he
groans, “Mac… Mac… Mac…”

When my heart rate
returns to normal, when Matt lets me up off the couch… when I
manage to get my legs underneath of me to stop shaking, I practically
cry with frustration. “I can’t do this anymore, Matt.”

He grins at me.

Yes, the son of a
bitch grins at me and says, “Yes, you can. Want me to prove it
to you right now?”

“No,” I
say firmly. “I’m tired of being controlled by you
sexually. I’m tired of this… this… I don’t
even know what this is, but I’m tired of it.”

Matt doesn’t
believe me, and he still wears that cocky smile as he steps forward
and reaches out to me. His fingers are just inches away, when fury
rolls up inside of me.

“No!” I
yell, but then I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. I look him
dead in the eyes and say more calmly, “No. I need you to
leave.”

Matt stares at me
for a few minutes, and the smile never leaves his face. He still
doesn’t believe me. I can see an almost-indulgent look in his
eyes as he zips himself up and heads toward my door. He doesn’t
even look back at me as he walks out, saying, “You’ll
never be able to give this up, Mac. Not for long anyway.”

“That has to
be the most pitiful display of happiness that I’ve ever seen,”
Cal says as he glances at the menu. We decided to meet up at a Greek
restaurant today. I had high hopes I could lamb kabob my way out of
despair, because yes… they are that damn delicious.

My gloom-and-doom
attitude has apparently taken over every facet of my personality. I
thought I had on a bright smile when I responded to Cal’s
question of, “How have you been doing?”

I told him I was
fine, even though I knew my smile wasn’t really all that
convincing.

“Spill it,”
was all he says as he puts the menu aside.

Taking a deep
breath, I bare my soul to him. I tell him that I still go to bed
every night with a deep hole in my heart now that my mom is gone. I
lament that I’m in a job where I feel completely in over my
head. And most importantly, I tell him about Matt.

I don’t get
into the nitty-gritty details of our sexually depraved lifestyle, but
I do tell him that I’m just not cut out for a sex-only
relationship.

Cal actually winces
when I say that, and I flush with embarrassment.

“I’m
sorry,” I say quickly. “I probably shouldn’t talk
about sex with you. Especially not sex with Matt.”

Cal’s eyes
smile at me… truly smile at me. “It’s okay, Mac.
You need someone to vent to, and remember… I know Matt way
better than you do.”

Our waiter chooses
that moment to interrupt my whining, and we place our orders. I
double up on the lamb kabobs, telling myself it doesn’t matter
if I get a fat ass. It’s not like Matt will be looking at it
anymore.

Once the waiter
leaves, I let out a heavy sigh. “Why am I such a girl? I mean…
why can’t I just accept great sex? My roommate Macy lives her
life that way, and she’s one of the happiest people I know.”

It’s with
great wisdom that Cal says, “McKayla… I’m betting
Macy isn’t as happy as you think she is. As humans, we are
wired to need social interaction and intimacy. Most people are
happiest in a relationship. I know I am, and I can’t wait to be
in one again.”

Now I wince, because
I’m not sure if that’s a pointed reminder that Cal had
perhaps looked at me in that light. “I’m sorry,” I
say again. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Chuckling, Cal
reaches across the table and pats my hand. “You didn’t
hurt me, Mac. Honestly… we didn’t know each other all
that well when I realized you had it bad for someone else. I’m
just making a general comment that I’m a man, and I want a
relationship. I’m ready to settle down. Some men do want that
type of thing.”

“So, you think
what I did… breaking things off with Matt, was the right
thing?”

“I think if
you were unhappy with the way things were, then yes, it was the right
thing. You can’t wait for him to change because frankly…
I don’t think Matt wants to change.”

This is what I don’t
get. I saw a glimmer of true caring and openness in Matt when he came
to Nashville. He has the ability… hell, he’s a fucking
natural at taking care of people. Why doesn’t he open himself
fully to it?

“It’s
because he was hurt so badly.” Cal’s voice cuts into my
thoughts.

I look at him in
surprise. “What are you? A freaking mind reader?”

“I just know
that look. It looks like you’re trying to solve a great
mystery, and the greatest mystery in your life right now is Matt.”

“How badly was
he hurt?” I ask softly, not really wanting to know the answer,
because I’m afraid it will soften my resolve to stay away from
him.

Cal is so very sad
when he says, “I damaged him badly. It’s my greatest
shame. But Marissa, his ex-wife, what she did to him… I think
that was the destroying factor. I was not the first person she
cheated on him with. In fact, I was the last. Matt had a private
investigator following her for weeks before I ever slept with her. He
protects himself now. I guarantee you Matt thinks it’s better
to be alone than to open himself up to hurt again.”

We chat a little bit
more about Matt, but then our food arrives and we move on to other,
more amiable things to discuss. We finish with a promise of getting
together the following week, and I find myself looking forward to it.
Cal has become a very good friend to me.

Back at the office,
I struggle with the
Jackson
case. The other side has served me
with Interrogatories… a long list of questions about the case
that I have thirty days to answer. My palms get moist as I look them
over, and I seriously start to question my sanity in taking this
case. Hell, I seriously question my sanity in wanting to be a lawyer
sometimes.

At the end of the
day, I start getting more melancholy. It’s getting to be that
time that Matt normally stops by my office and asks me what I want to
eat. It fuels the anticipation that, within a few hours, I’ll
be wrapped up in his strong arms.

I won’t be
getting that today. After asking Matt to leave last night, I am in no
way surprised when seven PM rolls around, and there is no sign of
him.

But this is for
the best
, I remind myself.

This is what I
wanted.