Moment of Weakness (Embracing Moments Book 1) (37 page)

It’s been a while since I’ve taken pen to paper. I almost forgot how clarifying it can be. But if there is ever a time I need clarity . . . It’s now. You see . . . I’ve let my guard down. I’ve tried to be strong, but how strong can I be when just being around her makes me so damn weak. For the first time in my life, I’m questioning what the hell it is I’m doing. And what makes it worse is, I never have an answer. But it needs to change. I need to get my head straight because I can’t let her get hurt again. I allowed myself to have these moments with her. Moments that have forever changed me. But I’m an asshole for it. I am the one to blame for her attack last night. I’m not doing my job. Not the real one I was hired to do. When I’m around her, it’s easy to forget why I’m really here. I forget who I really am. And who I am is someone who is not nearly good enough for her. If she knew the truth I know she’d feel the same. I think I’m falling in love with her . . . or maybe I already have. But it doesn’t matter how I feel. All that matters is that I protect her. Protect her family. And to do that I have to push her away. I need to let her go.

My eyes moved over the brief break in the page and then down to more writing.

Never in my life would I have thought it would hurt this much. Making her believe that every moment we spent together meant absolutely nothing. I told myself after Matteo died, that I was done. Done feeling anything for anyone. Yet I feel for her. And after tonight I know why. She’s strong. My words were like the tip of a dull blade, and each one I spoke just dug deeper into her heart. I could see it in her eyes . . . see her breaking apart. After it was done, I tried to call to her. I wanted to take it all back and just tell her everything. Instead, she walked into the house with not even a slight glance my way, and it was as if the dull blade had been redirected back toward me. I wish I could be as strong as her, but I’m not. I keep telling myself its better this way. It will get easier. But then I close my eyes and the first thing I see is her smile. God, I fucking love her smile. I hate that I hurt her. But I had to do this . . . I had to do this for her. You know what writing? You’re not really helping . . .

The skin on my knuckles blended in with the cream-colored leather of my steering wheel. And as I drove down the long familiar road toward Roman’s house, my nerves were chaotic. We hadn’t spoken since that day in the hospital, and I wasn’t even sure he wanted to see me. Pulling up to his house, the first thing I noticed was the absence of his Audi.

He wasn’t home.

I could call him, but what I wanted to say was something better said in person. I figured I at least owed him that. Parking the car, I pulled my keys from the ignition and wrapped one handle around the small glass bottle that hung from my neck. The ground was soft from all the rain we had received over the past few days, and I suddenly regretted wearing the shoes I had on.

As I sat down on his front porch steps, I brushed the wet leaves and dirt from my peach Converse. A loud crack sounded in the air, and as my eyes looked to the sky, I caught the flash of lightning right above the trees.

Okay. Maybe it was safer to sit in the car.

I was about to stand, but when my hand moved to the railing, the sight of Roman’s car appeared in the distance. My heart that had lain in the bottom of my stomach moments ago moved back up to my chest, the sound of it beating in my ears.

The car rolled to a stop, and Roman stepped out, a brown bag of groceries cradled in his arms. My breath caught at the sight of his green eyes, and as I stepped forward, he stood unmoving. His fitted tee did little to hide his tense muscles, and the way the ball moved up and down in his throat told me he was just as nervous as I was. His lips parted, but I cut him off before he spoke. “I never got a chance to thank you.”

His brows pulled together, confusion clouding his face. “For what?” he asked, a hint of sadness in his voice.

I held the small bottle up between my fingers. “For my birthday gift.”

“You’re welcome,” he muttered, holding on to the bag of groceries like they were his lifeline.

“That wasn’t the only reason I came, Roman.” My fingers moved to undo the clasp around my neck and once it was off, I held it in the palm of my hand. “You told me this was for when I was ready to start living again, but see what you failed to realize . . . when you gave this to me, I was already alive, Roman. I was alive because of you.”

My fingers twisted the little cork from the bottle, and I dumped the delicate seeds in my hands. “It didn’t matter if I believed in wishing, because I had you.”

I stared at Roman, my gaze pinning him hard as he stood still. His gaze lingered on me, watching every move I made. Stepping off the porch, I moved toward him. Another loud crack rumbled through the sky and the white puffy clouds grew dark.

My breathing fumbled, and my hand shook. “But I let you go, and the moment I walked out of that hospital room was the second time in my life I stopped living. So I’m going to take these dandelion seeds, and for the first time in thirteen years, I’m going to make a wish.”

Blowing the seeds from my hand, I watched them dance across the air, the wind blowing them in Roman’s direction.

“I wish I can take back everything I said to you at the hospital. I wish I had the courage to say then what I want to say now.” I moved toward him, the bottle still clutched in one hand, the other hanging at my side. “I wish we were in another universe. One where you’re mine and I’m yours.” Heavy rain fell, pounding against the roof of our cars, the sound in perfect rhythm with the beat of my heart. “I wish I hadn’t let go of the one person who has the power to make me feel alive.”

I stopped in front of him, my head falling back between my shoulders as I stared at the beads of rain rolling down his beautiful face. I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “I wish you were still mine, Roman.”

The bag of groceries Roman held in his arms crashed to the ground. His hands cupped my cheeks, and I pushed off my toes as he pulled me closer to him. His breath was hot against my lips. “You own me. Completely fucking own me. Do you understand?”

I nodded my head, and his mouth captured mine. His fingers threaded through the wet strands of hair that lay against the nape of my neck, and as his tongue slid across my lips, my body tingled at the minty taste of his mouth. Dropping the bottle to the ground, I clenched fistfuls of his shirt in my hands, desperate to bring his body closer to mine. As if he knew what I wanted, he moved one hand from its gentle grasp and lifted me against him. My legs curled around his waist, and his erection rubbed against the seam of my shorts, causing a powerful wave of heat to flood my veins. Roman carried me backward, my back hitting the screen door as he fumbled for the keys in his pocket.

Our tongues continued to move in desperate strokes as he opened the door and walked us straight to his bedroom. My heart couldn’t decide if it wanted to beat faster or slow down, but I didn’t care either way, because its simple beats told me I was alive. My heart was no longer just one small part, but a larger whole that was filled with so much love for Roman. Love that I was no longer afraid of.

Rather than lying me down on the bed like I anticipated him to do, Roman set me down on my feet. His fingers curled around the hem of my blouse, pulling it up over my head and letting it fall to the floor. My mouth drew in a sharp breath, and I watched the muscles in Roman’s arms tighten as he tugged on the collar of his shirt. He let it go from his hands, allowing it to join the growing pile of clothes at our feet.

Roman’s hand cupped my cheek, his thumb making gentle sweeps against my cheekbone as he stared into my eyes. “I have spent the last fifteen years of my life stuck in this never-ending cycle of hell. I’ve lost people that have meant everything to me, and I swore to myself that I’d never feel for anyone again.” Roman’s hand moved from my face to the back of my neck, his fingers tugging lightly on my hair as he dropped his mouth to the hollow part of my throat. He glided his tongue across my wet skin, and the muscles in my legs suddenly felt weak. “And then I met you, Julia, and from the moment I stepped out of the car at the train station, I knew being around you wasn’t going to be easy.”

Roman moved down my neck, his soft lips dancing across my collarbone and then moving down to the swell of my breast. My breasts were heavy, my nipples hard, and as he continued to speak, his hot breath was a welcoming feeling against my sensitive skin. “I was instantly drawn to you. I had no idea how I was supposed to be around you when all I could think about was the different ways I could get inside of you.”

My heart beat wildly at his admission, and a gasp parted my lips as his warm mouth covered my breast. His tongue flicked against its hardened tip, and his fingers tugged on the button of my shorts. Heat pooled between my thighs, and the sound of my zipper descending was the only thing I could hear over the shallow breaths I took. Roman pulled back, and a few seconds later, his pants dropped to the floor, the metal buckle of his belt clinking against the ceramic tile. He stood before me, hard, hot and heavy, and every muscle in my body tensed in hungry anticipation. Roman dropped to his knees, dragging my shorts and panties down with him.

“But the attraction was just a small part of what I was feeling when I was around you. God, it turned into so much more than that, Julia.” Roman’s fingers created a fiery trail of heat against the inside of my thighs as he glided his hands to my throbbing center. He stroked my damp folds, and his mouth placed a tender kiss right at the top of my cleft. He continued to press delicate kisses down my crease, and when he reached the bottom, his warm wet tongue glided back up the center.

My knees buckled the instant his tongue flicked across my sensitive nub, and Roman broke my fall, laying me on my back in the center of his bed. I moaned at the feel of his mouth on me. His warm soft strokes caused my back to arch off the bed, and all the tension in my body was being pulled to the muscles in my lower stomach. My body hovered on the fine tightrope of ecstasy, and when he slid a finger into my wetness, I struggled to keep myself together. My body wanted to ride this climax as long as it could, but then his finger curled up and it’s simple come hither movement, had caused the tightrope to snap. A tremendous amount of warmth spread from my stomach, reaching my toes, and my eyes fell shut, a beautiful array of fireworks sparking behind them.

Roman’s soft lips trailed back up, his mouth vibrating against my core as he spoke. “I was used to being by myself, Julia. I was used to being nothing more than an empty shell, and I was okay with that, because I felt, if all this shit kept happening to me, then maybe it was because I didn’t deserve to know the true feeling of happiness.” Roman crawled above me, and I scooted back so I could rest my head on his pillow. He hovered over me, alternating between nipping and kissing at my skin. “But then I got a taste of it, and I suddenly wanted this life that I never imagined myself having. A life that only involved you. I should have let you go. I tried to let you go, but I couldn’t, because by that point, you had already dug your way into my heart. I didn’t know how to stop. I didn’t know how to stop wanting you—stop loving you.”

“Roman—” I tried to speak, but his lips pressed against mine, and he lowered himself on top of me. His hard erection nudged at my center, causing me to release a desperate whimper. Roman’s eyes locked on to mine, and the breath I tried to take ceased.

“In a world of darkness, you became my light.” I swallowed hard, and every word he spoke created a whirl of emotions in my heart. “You didn’t know it, but that day in the meadow when you shared a piece of your heart with me, I had already lost mine to you. Even then, my heart belonged to you, Julia. I thought I knew what it felt like to be empty, but then you walked out of that hospital room, and I had never felt more alone. I could no longer feel my heart beating within my chest because when you left. You took it with you.”

A hot tear I didn’t know had even formed rolled down my cheek, and Roman’s lips moved to catch it. The softness of them tingled my skin, and I moved my fingers up his torso. My eyes drifted over the puckered skin of his healing gunshot wound, and without thinking, I pressed a gentle kiss against it. “I love you, Roman. I love you so much it hurts.”

He settled deeper between my thighs. “Being away from you—thinking I had lost you—that hurt. It nearly destroyed me.” He placed a passionate trail of kisses across my jaw and found his way back to my lips. “This, Julia . . .” he breathed against them, “this has never felt so good.” Roman surged his hips forward and his hard length took all of me, filling and stretching me in the most satisfying way. My body cried out, my mouth releasing a gasp of pleasure as Roman’s naked body connected with mine.

His head fell to the crook of my neck, and his tongue continued to swirl against my skin, flicking across my pulse, sending sparks of pure lust soaring through me. Arching my back, my hips moved to meet his, and the muscles in my stomach tightened. This wasn’t our first time. But in a way it sort of felt like it was, because there was finally nothing between us. Nothing held either of us back. This was no longer a moment born from weakness, but a moment born from the strength of our love for each other.