Momentary Marriage (37 page)

“This should be interesting,” Kelsey snorted, derision on her beautiful face.

“I love you,” he said baldly, “have been falling in love with you from the first time we met.”

Kelsey stared at him. “What?”

“From the first day we met,” he said with difficulty, “I’ve had a strong attraction to you, on a lot of levels. I’m not a really romantic man, but it wasn’t long after that my gut instincts told me you were the woman I’ve been looking for. A woman I could marry and have a family with.”

“You wanted children,” she said through lips that barely moved.

Jared sighed heavily. “I wanted a family. A wife to come home to, to share my life with and, yes, children.”

There was a stricken look on her face that cut into him.

Forging ahead, he said roughly, “I asked you to marry me that day because I couldn’t stand the thought of you marrying anyone else. I knew you were the one for me.”

Saying nothing, she looked at him, confusion and anger springing into her face.

He stood facing her in the narrow, cramped office feeling as if he were standing before a judge. She held his fate in her hands, whether she knew it or not.

“Out of…love,” he said, “I deceived you, if that makes any sense at all. I offered you what you wanted, a husband who wouldn’t threaten you emotionally, who wouldn’t try to get you to make promises you were determined not to make.”

“But you said…,” she began, the words stumbling to a halt.

“I said anything I thought would get you to marry me,” he finished for her, feeling the flush of shame across his cheekbones. He’d handled the whole situation poorly, had ended up doing the one thing he’d never meant to do, hurt her.

“You told me you just wanted sex." she said, the words as tight as her face.

“I know,” he said. “I lied. I knew you wouldn’t marry me if I let you see I was emotionally involved. So I didn’t tell you. I lied by omission, but it was still a lie.”

Kelsey shook her head, incredulity slipping into her expression. “This is a first. A man lies to a woman about
not
loving her when he does? Why would I believe this?”

“I don’t know. I know it sounds crazy,” Jared said, “but it’s true and I’ve decided to stop trying to hide the truth from you. The thing about Amy and Doug, my arranging for her to work in
London
? I admit it. I was trying to get you three off dead center. I’d met you and…fallen pretty hard—“

He broke off, the words unable to force themselves through his throat. Taking a breath, he started again. “It didn’t take long to size up the situation between you and Doug—he’s worked with me a while and said a number of things about you that told me how he felt about you. When I signed on with the agency, I met Amy and…you.”

“And you fell for me,” she said, her tone still disbelieving.

“Yes.” He kept the word as even as possible. “Once I saw the set-up with you three, I just…watched.”

“You
watched
me?” she echoed in horror.

“Not like that,” Jared corrected her impatiently. “When we had contact through normal business, I simply paid attention. From little things Doug and your sister let drop, and from your own behavior towards me, I concluded that although you were active socially, you made sure you never got too involved with any man.”

“That isn’t true,” she protested quickly. “I’ve had long-term boyfriends.”

“Three months, at the most,” he dismissed.

“So you decided I was screwed up and needed your intervention?” she accused hotly.

Jared hesitated. “That’s not the way I’d put it, but I can see how you might feel that way.”

“You charged in on your white horse,” Kelsey jeered, “and started manipulating us all.”

“I offered Amy the job overseas,” he corrected, “thinking she’d shake Doug up and that maybe he’d get over his infatuation for you…which I hoped would leave you without a port in the storm.”

“You bastard,” she spat out. “Like I was some sort of—“

“Acquisition.” He supplied the word in a low voice, keeping his gaze steady on her flushed face. “Yes. I realize now how arrogant it was.”

“And you expect what from this admission?” Kelsey demanded furiously.

He shrugged. “I’m not sure what to expect. Credit, maybe, for finally coming clean? A chance to show you I’ve realized the error of my ways.”

“You maneuvered me into wanting to get married?” she asked incredulously, “and now you confess and expect me to forgive you?”

“No,” he said with a short laugh. “I didn’t really maneuver you into wanting to get married. Regardless of how devious you think I am, I’m not that good. I was totally floored by your plan to get married. But when I saw the way you were thinking, I had to step in, to take a risk and marry you under admittedly false pretenses.”

“So you’ve been lying to me all along,” she said, her eyes bright with unshed tears.

“Lying about not loving you,” he admitted. “Lying about wanting a temporary marriage. I never wanted to divorce you after a year. I hoped I could prove myself to you, convince you how good we are together and that we should stay married.”

“So when you told my mother we were going to have kids,” she said slowly.

“I totally slipped up,” he admitted. “There I was getting married to the woman of my dreams,

dancing with her mother at the wedding. I slipped.”

“The wedding?” Kelsey said, her eyes hard.

“Had to be one we’d remember,” he said. “I meant every vow.”

“No prenuptial, not telling your family the truth,” she concluded slowly. “You are one devious bastard.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he said, his voice low. “I’m sorry.”

“This…love you feel, it’s not a very truthful emotion,” she said finally. “You’ve said I don’t know how to trust men, but how have you helped in that?”

“I haven’t,” he admitted. “I realized that and that’s why I’m here.”

Kelsey shook her head as if dazed, but her face was still angry. “What do you want from me, Jared?”

He took a breath, saying “I love you so much, I’ve been dying since you left. I realized I’ve been…afraid to tell you all this. You’re right about my manipulation. I haven’t trusted you. All this time, I was hoping to teach you to trust me, trust what we have together. And yet I held back myself.”

“But, now you want…?”

“I want what I’ve always wanted,” he said, the words rough. “I want you.”

“But for me, nothing is…changed,” she said in a suffocated voice. “You’ve just proved me right about…a lot of things.”

He shook his head slowly. “If I’d sent you more flowers, carted in loads of jewelry, that would be the same manipulative pattern, Kelsey. But I’m not doing those things. I’m not using your father or your sister or your mother to get you to come back to me. Instead, I’m doing something completely different. I’m just asking.”

Kelsey looked at him, her face for once unreadable.

“But,” he said, “I only want you if you can love me in return.”

She was silent for a long moment.

“Think about it,” he finally recommended, making himself turn toward the door. “Think about it and let me know, if you want to take a risk on us.”

*
**

“Kelsey,” Doug said, “you know I love you. I always have.”

Sitting awkwardly on the couch in her sister’s living room, Kelsey didn’t know what to say.

“I think you’re a very strong woman,” Doug continued earnestly.

“Get real,” Kelsey said, staring at him in disbelief. “You’ve spent years trying to protect me.”

It was Doug’s turn to be awkward. “Yes, but that was more about me than you. I had a hero complex and you got cast in the role of damsel in distress.”

Not knowing how to respond, Kelsey was silent, listening to her sister moving around in the kitchen preparing dinner. Why had she let them talk her into coming over tonight? She was lousy company. Even at work, she kept replaying the things Jared had said to her, kept hearing him say, “I love you so much I feel like I’m dying.”

Just thinking about him left her plagued with longing and filled with fear. He represented everything she’d vowed to avoid, the trap she’d feared most—and he’d deliberately set out to lure her into loving him.

Of course, the problem wasn’t in loving, but in the losing that inevitably followed.

“Couldn’t you just talk to him, Kels?” Doug asked, breaking in on her ever-present abstraction.

She glared at her best friend. “I don’t know what to say to him.”

“Tell him how you feel,” Doug encouraged.

Kelsey snapped, “I’m furious with him.”

“Okay,” Doug said carefully, “that’s a start.”

“I’m so angry with him,” she raged, fear and anger rolling over her like a wave, “I want to do him bodily harm.”

“So tell him,” Doug recommended, smiling faintly. “Tell him anything you want. If he really cares, he’ll listen.”

*
**

Kelsey battled back a wave of panic, thinking about Doug’s words the night before.

Staring blankly at the photo layout on her desk, she tried to catch her breath and sort through the myriad thoughts in her head. She’d seen so much sorrow in her mother’s life, all spent on broken relationships that supposedly sprang from love.

Jared had said he’d known from the beginning that she was afraid to love and still he’d come after her with the purpose of making her fall head over heels in love with him. He had pursued her, tried deliberately to draw her into the very emotion she’d safely skirted.

Before him, she’d thought she had fallen in love with several men, but looking back those episodes seemed more like playing house than real love.

Drawing in a sobbing breath, Kelsey told herself she was glad she hadn’t told him she loved him. It would have given him even more power to hurt her. He already had greater influence over her heart than she wanted, just by the virtue of her feelings for him.

Oh, how his voice had plagued her these past forty-eight hours. She’d lain awake in the night, the soft velvet of his words rubbing at her till she thought she’d go crazy. The battle waged inside her—to give in to her dreams and her longings or to resist. To be a sadder version of Chloe or to cling to the independent life she’d created for herself.

The whole dilemma left her frustrated and cranky, unable to concentrate on anything but the muddle inside her.

Kelsey threw down her pencil and walked around to her small, grimy window. Her first weeks with Jared had been the happiest, most secure of her life. He’d been passionate and tender by turns. Responsible and consistent in every way.

She hated him for that, for making her want what she couldn’t have. He’d done it deliberately, she kept reminding herself. Knowing how she felt about relationships and losing her heart, he’d consciously set out to bring her to this brink of lunacy—all for his own purposes.

Snatching up her suit jacket, Kelsey left her office. She had to see him. Had to tell him just how horribly he’d ruined her life.

Leaving her building two minutes later, she hailed a cab. The ride to Jared’s building seemed to take forever. In her head, she tried to practice what she’d say to him, but the words seemed jumbled and inadequate. She kept coming back to “I love you, you bastard. Keep the hell away from me!”

Never had traffic seemed so slow. Now that she’d decided to act, she felt consumed by urgency.

She scooted forward on the seat, for once praying that her cab driver would speed from intersection to intersection.

Long minutes later, they pulled up outside Jared’s office building. Kelsey threw some money at the driver and got out of the cab.

The elevator ride to his floor seemed an eternity.

She got out when the car stopped, turning automatically toward his office. Heart pounding, fingers gripped around her purse strap, she walked quickly down the hall.

This was all his fault. All his fault. If it weren’t for Jared, she’d still be the old Kelsey. Still be safe and inviolate. Not concerned with her resentment against her father, not swamped with longings she couldn’t control.

Sweeping into the reception area, Kelsey didn’t pause at the receptionist’s desk.

“Mrs. Barrett?” the woman said, startled. “He’s on the—“

Her trembling legs carried her past the woman, stopping in the open doorway of Jared’s office.

He sat behind his desk, sunlight from the corner windows, casting his face in shadow. The phone to his ear, he appeared to be doodling aimlessly on a scratch pad in front of him, his long fingers driving the pencil over the paper in slashing, restless movements.

“Good. Go ahead and sign the agreement. We need to settle this, so our people—“ Jared broke off as he lifted his head, his gaze suddenly fixed on her.

Standing there trembling with fury and despair, she held his look, the tumbling sensation in her stomach making her dizzy.

“I’ve got to go,” he said abruptly into the phone before lowering the receiver to its cradle. “Kelsey.”