Moments in Time (24 page)

“No, he didn’t. But it’s not like he’s gonna start screaming ‘look at the gay guys’ while he’s trying to eat brunch with his parents.”

“I know. But he didn’t look that freaked-out. I think it’ll be okay. Eric’s a good guy. I’ll shoot him a text later, make sure he’s cool. Okay?”

I nodded.

“Collin, look at me.”

I raised my eyes to his, knowing I must have looked like I was about to lose it. My insides were still shaking.

He held my gaze. “It’s going to be okay.”

“It’s not like I don’t want to believe that, I just… I don’t know. I thought we’d at least get to tell people when we decided to, and how we wanted to. I didn’t expect to just get… caught.”

It felt wrong to use that word. “Caught” made it seem like we were doing something wrong, and we weren’t. That didn’t make it feel any less like he’d caught us.

“I’ll talk to him. As much as I don’t care if people know, I agree. It’s better if we tell them. I’ll take care of it.”

If we tell them.
As happy as I was being out with Tanner this summer, I couldn’t imagine us being out at school. My mother’s reaction played over in my head. What if everyone was like that? What if Gino fired me? What if Tanner couldn’t talk Eric into staying quiet and everyone knew by the time we got back to campus? Would they be okay with it? I didn’t know a single out person at our school.

“Collin.”

Tanner’s voice shook me back to the present. “What?”

“Don’t worry about Eric, okay? He’s a good guy.”

I nodded, not at all sure that being a good guy meant he could keep a secret, let alone that it meant he was okay with the idea of me and Tanner as a couple.

The waitress brought our check, and Tanner stuck cash in the folder. “Ready?”

I was more than ready to be anywhere but there.

A
LL THOSE old sayings about bad luck coming in threes and how when it rains it pours seemed to be coming true. I woke up to e-mails from the school about how one of my loan forms had gotten lost and if they didn’t have a signed copy on their desk by the end of the day, I could be un-enrolled from my classes.

After three hours of phone calls and e-mails proving they already had the damned forms, they finally figured out that they’d put them in someone else’s file. By then I was late for work, so Dorothy stuck me in the worst station at the restaurant. My shift seemed endless, but I knew I’d be in better favor with Dorothy if I stayed to help close, so I did. So did Jason. I think he took pity on me because I was having such a shit day.

When the last chair was up on the tables and the floor had been swept, I took off my apron and sighed. Jason clapped a hand on my shoulder. “It’s after midnight. It’s a new day.”

“Thank God. Let’s hope it’s a better one.”

“You headed home?”

I thought I was, but then I realized that since I was twenty-one, I could go to Oz. We could grab a drink, and then I could walk home with Tanner when he got off. “You want to get a beer or something?”

“Sure.”

Oz was pretty quiet. Only a handful of people were outside the door instead of the usual mob. I wove through them and headed inside. Scanning the bar, I saw it was slow there too. Two bartenders stacked glasses, and only a handful of customers were in the row of seats. I wondered if maybe Tanner had headed home early because it was slow.

I recognized one of the bartenders Tanner had introduced me to a few times. “Hey, Tommy, is Tanner still around?”

“Yeah, I think so.” He leaned to the side to look around. “He went out on the floor for a while. He was with that Amy chick.”

Amy. It figured. I wasn’t in the mood for her tonight, but I did want to let Tanner know I was there. I turned to Jason. “I’ll be right back.”

He nodded, and I heard him ordering a beer as I headed off across the dance floor. I couldn’t find Tanner anywhere. He wasn’t in any of the booths, wasn’t by the restrooms or the DJ table. I’d even peered into the storage area behind the bar. Jason caught my eye, and I shrugged to let him know I was still looking.

The only place I hadn’t checked was outside on the deck. I poked my head out the door and took a quick look around. Most of the tables were empty, and neither Tanner nor Amy were anywhere in sight. I was about to go back inside when I noticed a couple on the far side of the deck. They leaned against the wooden banister, heads close. My stomach recognized them before my brain. It was Tanner and Amy. I couldn’t see them clearly, but it was definitely them. His dark hair against her blonde mane, her pink nails against his black Oz shirt. They were hugging, at the very least. If Amy had her say, they’d be doing more than that soon—if they hadn’t already. I didn’t want to see that.

I turned so fast, I bumped into someone who was coming out onto the deck. She sloshed her drink down her arm and cursed at me. I think I apologized. I couldn’t hear anything. Not even my own voice. Just my heart beating in my ears.

I headed straight for the exit and made it into the parking lot before I took a full breath. With my hands on my knees, I bent forward, trying desperately to clear my head.

They’re just friends, right?
It was probably just a hug. Unless maybe he’s thinking it would be a hell of a lot easier to have his talk with Eric about how things are if he has a pretty girl along with him.

My mind raced, bouncing between images of Amy with her arms around Tanner and things I couldn’t even put into words.

Jason came up behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin. I’d forgotten he was there.

“Dude, what’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Can we get out of here?”
I need to go. Now. Please.

“Sure,” he said. “Let’s go to my place.”

Anywhere I didn’t have to watch Amy and Tanner sounded like exactly where I wanted to be.

J
ASON PUSHED open his apartment door, and I followed him into the small front room. He tossed his keys onto the coffee table and gathered a few books off the worn leather sofa.

“Have a seat,” he said. “You want a drink?”

I was still too upset to speak. Shrugging, I flopped onto the couch. Visions of Tanner with Amy refused to stop popping into my brain. His arm around her tiny waist. The way her hand clutched at him, possessive, desirous. My stomach churned.

“Drink this.”

Jason handed me a glass with way more than one shot worth of tequila in it. My nose crinkled.

Jason laughed. “Sorry, I forgot. Hold on a sec.”

He disappeared into the small kitchen and rummaged. The fridge opened and closed with a sigh. Jason returned, saltshaker in hand.

“Come on. Hand out. Lick.”

I closed my eyes and forced a deep breath, then licked the inside of my wrist. Jason sprinkled a good amount of salt onto me.

“Go on,” he said, setting a plate of sliced limes down in front of me.

Why not? Licking my salty wrist, I raised the tumbler with my other hand. The pungent aroma singed my nostrils, but I ignored it, slugged back a huge mouthful, swallowed, drained the rest of the glass, and swallowed again. My eyes watered as I shoved the lime into my mouth, biting down as hard as I could.

“Dude, that was supposed to be, like, three shots.” Jason stared at me, eyes wide with surprise.

“Oh,” I muttered, trying to suck as much lime juice into my mouth as possible.

“Cheers.” He licked, salted, drank and shoved a piece of lime into his own mouth.

I didn’t feel particularly cheerful, but the tequila had already taken a little of the edge off. Warmth spread through my body, and I relaxed into the couch enough to take a full breath.

“Here, this’ll help get rid of the taste.” Jason handed me a beer. The cold bottle was covered in beads of water.

The icy liquid frothed in my mouth, the bubbles tingling as they worked down my throat. I was starting to feel less. Less sad. Less angry. Less everything.

Jason sat on the couch, one leg folded under him, facing me. Studying me.

“What?” I asked.

He shrugged and took a long drink. “Just thinking Tanner’s a fool.”

“He’s not.” My instinct to defend Tanner kicked in before I could even think about it. Besides, if anyone was the fool in this scenario, it was definitely me.

“Whatever.” Jason stared at his beer, tracing a pattern into the bottle sweat. “Have you noticed that I’ve only hooked up with blond guys this summer?”

A small laugh huffed out of my lungs. “Yeah, actually I had.”

“I don’t like blonds.”

Ouch.
“Jesus, Jason. Way to kick a guy while he’s down.”

Jason shifted and stretched his arm out along the back of the couch. “They’re just not usually my type. Every one of them was a substitute because the guy I really wanted was unavailable.”

I took another swallow of beer, waiting for him to finish his thought. Hearing about his love life was way better than dwelling on the disaster of my own. He stayed quiet, and when I looked up, he was studying me again.

“You don’t get it, do you?” he asked, dark eyes narrowed, head tilted to the side.

“Get what?”

“All those guys were a substitute for you.”

Wait, what?
I set my beer down on the coffee table before I dropped it.

Jason continued to stare, then looked down at his own beer.

My mind tried to race to come up with something to say, but it just inched around in circles.
A substitute for me? Seriously?
I’d been so caught up, thinking about all the people I knew who were into Tanner, it hadn’t actually occurred to me that someone might be into me.

“Jason, I….” Words wedged in my throat.

“Don’t…,” he whispered, shifting closer. “Just… let’s just….”

My gaze met his. I don’t know what I expected to see, but it wasn’t hunger. It wasn’t lust. It wasn’t desire. But that’s what I saw. Two shiny pools of need.

And then his mouth was on mine.

The kiss knocked me back from a mix of sheer force and shock. Jason’s hand cupped my neck as his tongue parted my lips. My brain struggled to make sense of what was happening, but my tongue went along with what Jason had in mind, wrestling his.

This can’t be happening.
Sure, I was pissed at Tanner. Yeah, maybe we were breaking up. Yes, at that very moment, he could have been in the middle of fucking Amy. But that didn’t change the facts. I loved Tanner. I didn’t want anyone else. Not even Jason. My cock didn’t seem to entirely agree. When Jason palmed my crotch, it strained against my pants trying to convince me that maybe this was a good idea after all.

Giving Jason’s shoulder a solid shove, I pushed away from him. “I can’t.”

Jason stopped kissing but barely budged. “Sure you can. Does Tanner ever let you top? I would. I’d let you do whatever you want.”

Again my cock begged to differ with my brain. Jason took the moment of silence as acquiescence and went in for another kiss. His lips were warm and soft, vaguely salty from the tequila shots, and with my eyes closed and the help of my one-track Tanner-centric mind, I could imagine it was Tanner starting to climb on top of me.

Then I heard the voice of the guy I was wishing I was tangled with on the couch. It didn’t come from the mouth that was working mine, it came from the porch, accompanied by the sound of footsteps and knocks on the shaky wood frame around the screen door.

“Jason, you here? Have you seen Collin? I’m worried. He left his bike at….”

I wrenched out from under Jason just in time to see the stunned look on Tanner’s face as he saw us through the screen. “Stunned” didn’t quite cover it. He looked like he’d been punched in the gut. And he didn’t look like he was having sex with Amy. Shame and horror washed over me.
Oh shit. I fucked up.

Scrambling off the couch was harder than it should have been. Jason wasn’t being very helpful, and my legs were rubbery and uncooperative. Tanner’s image got blurrier as he backed away from the door without turning around. Even through the haze of the screen door, I could see the hurt in his eyes. He looked like I’d felt when I’d seen him hugging Amy. Except he’d seen me with Jason practically sprawled on top of me.

“Wait.” The word came out quieter than I wanted and didn’t stop Tanner from moving away.

“Sorry.” The cold tone in his voice didn’t mask the underlying pain. “Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

Managing to get past the suddenly monstrous coffee table, I choked out, “You’re not interrupting anything. We weren’t… I didn’t….”

By the time I made it to the door, Tanner was on his bike. I tried to chase after him, but his legs pumped fast and strong. There was no way I’d catch him. The crunch of gravel as he sped off crackled in my ears like static as I processed what had just happened.
He saw us. Us. There is no us. Oh God. What have I done?

Tequila, lime, and beer churned into a giant swirling puke-a-rita. My stomach turned traitor and lurched up into my throat. I made it to the side of the road and hurled into the bushes. Acid stung the back of my nose and made my eyes water.

“You okay?” Jason’s voice was soft and full of concern, making me feel worse. Was it possible for anyone to be friends with me without me stomping on their feelings?
What the fuck is wrong with me?

“I’m fine. Sorry.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have given you so much tequila.”

“You didn’t make me drink it. You didn’t make me do anything.” This was all me. Every stupid fucked-up minute of it.

“I meant what I said. I wouldn’t have told you if I didn’t mean it.”

What am I supposed to say to that? And how the hell did I manage to hurt the two people I cared about most without trying to hurt either of them? Jesus.
“I’m sorry, Jason. If I made you think… I mean, I never meant….”

“Just wishful thinking on my part. Not your fault.”