Moments in Time (37 page)

Wendy eyed me warily. “Are you asking me to go for it with Tanner while we’re in Maine?”

“You want to, right?”

“Yeah, but—”

“Well, I just want him to feel good about himself again. I mean, shit. Look at what I’ve done to my life. My mother won’t speak to me, my sister-in-law is suing my brother for custody because of me, Tanner’s getting harassed and getting into fights—and it’s all because of me. I just want to fix it. I want everyone’s life to go back to normal. Can you help me do that? Can you take care of Tanner for me on the trip? Please?”

My voice cracked on the last few words, and she threw her arms around me, holding me tight. She wouldn’t do anything to hurt Tanner. I knew that for sure. She loved him. And I loved him enough to let him go.

“I’ll take care of him, I promise,” she said, making my heart ache and spasm. I felt like I was dying inside.
It’s for the best. It has to be. Anything that hurts this much has to be for something good.

“You’re sure it’s what’s you want?” Wendy searched my face with her bright blue eyes.

“Yes. Work your magic, okay? Make him happy. All I want is him happy. I trust you.”

“Thanks.”

“Thanks for fixing our fucked-up door.”

“Shit, I’m late for class.” Wendy grabbed her oversized purse and perched her sunglasses atop her head. “You gonna be okay here alone?”

“I’ll be fine. You just make sure he has fun at the wedding. Get his mind off everything. Remind him what normal feels like.”

She stared at me, eyes so serious, it felt like they were trying to drill a hole in my soul. “I promise. I’ll do my best.” She popped up onto her toes and kissed my cheek, then quietly closed the door behind her.

The wedding was in two days. Tanner wasn’t due back from class for hours, so I made arrangements. I called Bryan. Over the summer he’d told me I could crash at his place if I was ever in the city.

“Hey, Bry, it’s Collin.”

“What’s up? You back at school?”

“Yeah, that’s kind of the thing, though. I need to be in New York for a bit.”

“What for? Did you get an internship?”

“Something like that. I need somewhere to crash. Can I stay at your place?”

“I just signed it away for a two-week sublet because I’m off on a short tour. But as soon as I get back, you’re welcome to come stay as long as you want. You got a place to hole up until then?”

“Yeah, I can find one.”
I hope.

Bryan didn’t ask any questions, which was great because I didn’t want to be explaining myself all over the place. I just needed to get out of town. I needed to be someplace where there was no one left for me to hurt.

T
ANNER ZIPPED his suitcase closed and hoisted it off the bed. We’d just moved our stuff into the apartment earlier in the day. It was a miracle he could even find his suitcase in the mess. “Collin, this is ridiculous. Come with us. I really think Gino would understand your needing to get away for a few days if you’d just ask him. Or let me talk to him.”

I shook my head, not entirely trusting my voice. We’d been having the same conversation since I’d told him I couldn’t go to the wedding. I’d been adamant that I couldn’t ask Gino for time off—especially not after he’d given us a place to live. The only problem was that now that it was time for Tanner to leave, I didn’t want him to go. I just had to pretend I did.

Tanner’s eyes scanned our new place. There were boxes everywhere. “This is crazy. We literally just moved in, and I’m leaving already. You know, I don’t have to go. Wendy will be fine on her own—she’ll know half the people there.”

Don’t go. Don’t ever leave this apartment.
I bit my tongue, willing myself to focus. “Stop. Go to the wedding. Have a good time. With all the work I’ve got, I won’t even notice you’re gone.”

“Gee, thanks.” He laughed and stepped closer, putting his arms around me. The warmth of his body, the coconut lime—I wanted to freeze time, right then, with him pressed against me and us safe and happy and together. “You sure you’re all right?”

He studied my eyes, and I forced myself to nod and smile. “I’m fine.”

“I was serious with what I said about the shitty cell reception. I probably won’t be able to use my phone up there. I don’t like that—not being able to reach you. What if there’s a problem here?”

“Tanner, I’ll be fine. I’ll be working. Drive safe, okay?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll return the Batmobile in one piece. I promise.”

“Good.” I swallowed hard.

Tanner hesitated for a moment, and I knew he wasn’t completely buying that I was okay. He leaned closer, mouth hovering a breath from mine, our noses brushing against each other, my eyes closed in anticipation and dread. Then we kissed. Sweet and tender. A kiss that said “take care, see you soon, I love you.” A kiss that damn near broke my fucking heart right then and there.

I pulled back and forced myself to step away. “You better get going. Wendy’s gonna give you all kinds of shit for being late.”

He laughed, and the sound rattled around inside my heart.

“See you Tuesday. I’ll try to call if I can get a signal.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

He opened the door and gave a quick wave.

I waved back and closed it behind him, trying to keep breathing as I listened to his footsteps echo down the stairs. The front door of the building slammed shut, and I counted in my head as I listened. Car trunk.
Slam
. Car door.
Bang
. The engine purred to life, then grew fainter as he drove away.

My eyes were closed so tight, my head ached.
Breathe. And do what you have to do.

I had people to cover my shifts for the week, and I’d told Gino I was pretty sure Tanner would jump at the chance to work for him. I knew he was sick of the bookstore, especially since a few people there had been giving him grief. I’d managed not to explain to Gino what I was doing. I didn’t want him or anyone else to talk me out of my plan.

Packing went fast since I hadn’t even unpacked everything yet. I’d written a letter to Tanner the night before, while he was sleeping. I read it one last time, then hit Print. Waiting for it to chug out of the printer, my mind raced.
Where should I leave it? The coffee table? The dresser? The bed?
I folded it neatly into thirds and eased it into an envelope. My hand shook, and I had to steady it to write his name.
Tanner.

The black ink stared up at me. He’d read it when he got home, and hopefully he’d understand. If not right away, some day. I set it down on the kitchen table, trying not to picture him finding it.

The only thing left to do was call Sean. He picked up on the second ring.

“Hey, Collie, what’s up?”

I hadn’t heard his voice since we’d moved out. My throat tightened. “Nothing. I just wanted to let you know I’m going out of town for a bit.”

“Everything okay? You sound weird.”

Dammit.
I inhaled deeply through my nose and blew it out in a steady stream. “I’m good. This thing came up. For school.”
When had I become this good a liar?

“Oh, okay. How long are you away?”

“I don’t know. I’ll be finishing up my classes online.”
At least that much is true.

The girls were arguing in the background, and Sean’s voice sounded muffled as he told them to settle down. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Hey, I’ll let you go. I just wanted you to be able to tell your lawyer that I won’t even be in the area anymore. Tell him I won’t be stopping by or having any contact with you or the kids. Maybe that’ll settle Laura down.”

Crying erupted from one of the girls.

“Shit,” Sean muttered. “Megan, leave her alone.”

“Sounds like you’ve got your hands full. Go. Take care of them. Tell them I love them, okay?”

“All right. Thanks for letting me know. And good luck. I want to hear more about this.”

“I’ll be in touch.”

“Is Tanner going with you?”

My eyes stung, and I squeezed them shut. “No. Just me.”

“… Daddy, she took my Play-Doh….”

“I’m coming, Emma. Look, Collin, I’ve gotta go. I guess text me when you get settled.”

“I will.”

And that was it. Everything was set. All I had to do was take my bags and head to the bus station.

So that’s what I did.

I walked out the door and down the stairs, not looking back. Climbing onto the bus, I took one last glance around, swallowing hard. Then I did the only thing I could.

I left.

M
Y HAND shook as I reached for the buzzer.
What if there’s no answer? What if I’m interrupting? What if I’m not welcome?
I had nowhere else to go.

I pushed the pale gray button and held my breath.

“Hello?”

“It’s Collin.”

The buzzer sounded before I could even get another word out. I shoved the door open and held it for the two women who were heading out of the building. The elevator they’d gotten out of was still open, so I got in and headed for the fifteenth floor.

My heart raced.
Is this the right thing to do? Should I even be here?

I stepped out of the elevator and saw the door to the apartment was open. Mrs. D’Amico stood in the doorway. She smiled warmly, but her brow was furrowed. I’d never been so relieved to see anyone.

“Collin, honey, it’s so good to see you. Are you all right? Is Tanner okay? Is he with you?”

“Tanner’s fine. And it’s just me.”

The lines in her forehead deepened, but she put her arms out and pulled me into a hug. My chest tightened, and I wondered if she’d still be hugging me once she found out why I was there.

“Come inside. Put your stuff down. Are you in town for school? Do you need a place to stay?”

“I didn’t know where else to go.” My voice sounded small. I felt small. Like the world could swallow me in one tiny bite, and I’d just be gone… which didn’t sound half-bad.

“Sit down.” She ushered me over to the couch and took a seat, cross-legged and facing me, studying me with her dark eyes. Tanner’s eyes. “Sadness is rolling off you in waves.” She plucked at the air around me, shaking handfuls of nothing off to the side.

“Sorry.”

“Let me get you some tea. That’ll help.” She rested her hand on the top of my head for a moment. It felt warm and comforting and made tears sting my eyes. “Here, hold this, I’ll be right back.”

I looked down at the smooth pink stone she’d placed in my hand. I didn’t believe in crystal healing, though I wished something as simple as a rock could take away some of what I was feeling. Turning it over and over in my hand, I concentrated on the way it felt. Cool and smooth. By the time Tanner’s mom returned, I had calmed a little.

“Ginger tea. It’ll relax your muscles. Your body is so tense right now, it’s a wonder you can walk. It’ll help you think clearer too. Breathe in the aroma, then sip it.”

I brought the cup to my mouth and inhaled. Sweet warmth filled my nostrils. Ginger, honey, and a hint of cinnamon and lemon. I closed my eyes and took a sip. My mouth tingled, and it burned a little as it slid down my throat, but the sensation quickly changed to a soothing warmth that seemed to radiate up the back of my head and down into my stomach.

She waited while I took a few more sips. “Do you want to tell me?”

Not really
. But I knew she had a right to know. Especially as I’d shown up on her doorstep.

“I left Tanner.”

I don’t know what I expected her to do. Yell at me? Kick me out? Slap me? Instead she sat down next to me, took the teacup out of my hand, and took my hands in hers. “What happened?”

The eyes did it. Those dark Tanner eyes stared into mine, and before I knew what I was doing, I was spilling the whole story. Eric, Tim, the fight, Wendy, her breakup, Sean, the custody battle.

She listened, not commenting, just nodding. When I finished, I took a deep breath, and it caught in my throat. “I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t want to hurt the people I care about. Being there just causes problems for everyone.”

I tried to keep my voice steady, but it cracked like an egg on a granite counter.

“Oh, sweetie.”

I looked up at Mrs. D, expecting disapproval and anger. All I saw were the tears rolling down her face. I’d hurt someone else. That did it. I started to cry. Big fat fucking tears rolled down my cheeks, down my throat, inside my nose. My entire head seemed to have sprung a massive set of leaks, and I couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard I bit my tongue or dug my nails into my palm.

Warm hands rubbed my shoulders, and she pulled me closer. Burying my face in her neck, I cried harder than I could remember crying in years. Maybe ever.

It felt like forever before I finally pulled myself together and got my breathing back to normal. I tried to focus. Mrs. D’s hair smelled good. Sweet and spicy, like the tea—soothing and comforting. I concentrated on that and took deep breaths of it.

She rubbed the back of my neck.

“You’re going to be okay, Collin. This will all work out.”

I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

“It will. My son loves you, and it’s obvious you love him. This is just a bump in the road.”

“Big fucking bump. Sorry, I didn’t mean….”

“You’re right, it is a big fucking bump. But that’s okay.”

It didn’t feel okay. It didn’t feel like anything would ever be okay again.

“Drink some more.” She handed me the teacup.

I took another sip. “Thanks. I’m sorry.”

She gave my knee a quick pat, then leaned back against the couch. “Don’t ever be sorry for coming here. I told you, you’re always welcome. And you can stay as long as you’d like. But I don’t think this is where you need to be.”

“Tanner’s got Wendy. Maybe they can make things work. He loves her too, you know.”

“Oh, I know he does. Wendy’s been his friend for a long time. I know just how much he cares about her. But I’ve never seen him with anyone who makes him as happy as you do.”