Momfriends (33 page)

“Oh you’re watching
Dragon Circle
. That’s one of my shows.”

“What do you mean?” Amanda said, turning away from the TV.

“I work for the production company that makes this show,” Claudia said.

“Do you work with Thaddeus?” Amanda sounded impressed.

“No, he’s in L.A., but I’ve met him and he’s definitely cute.”

“Is he going to turn out to be a vampire too?”

Claudia shrugged mysteriously. She looked at me to explain. “It’s a show about a street in a town where lots of people are vampires. It’s one of our newest shows and is totally popular with young adults.”

We all looked at the TV. I had no idea why Claudia was here. Other than the pride she took in her career path, she was jumpier than usual.

Thaddeus pulled away from the woman I assumed was Galia and said, “Every part of me wants to touch you.”

I groaned at the cheesiness of the line, but both Amanda and Claudia sighed. Amanda’s sigh was from a young woman who hoped some day a guy would say that to her. I expected it from someone her age. Claudia’s sigh was almost mournful. I looked at her and tipped my head so my good ear was closer to her.

“They film this stuff three weeks ahead. And the scripts are probably available two weeks before that. Talent sees all the scripts.” She was explaining something, but I didn’t know what.

I nodded, not following. Claudia kept looking at the TV. Thaddeus had ripped open Galia’s blouse exposing a lacy bra and perfect breasts. If he was a vampire, he was certainly going the traditional route to love.

“Does Thaddeus have a girlfriend?” Amanda asked Claudia. “You know the actor.”

“I’m not sure,” Claudia said.

From the kitchen I heard a crash and a cry. Someone was not doing what they should have been.

“Sorry, I need to check that out,” I said.

“I’ll come,” Claudia said.

“I’ll be in at the next commercial,” Amanda said.

“Take your time,” I said. I didn’t want to pull her away from Thaddeus. Claudia and I went into the kitchen. Sage had an overturned glass of milk in front of him. Julissa was scrambling back into her seat, Naomi was giggling, and Sage looked like he was about to cry.

“What happened?” I asked

“She did it,” Julissa said, pointing to Sage.

“Julissa,” I said, putting my face close to hers. She was testing me. Why did Claudia have to witness this testing? I wanted to scream in her face but I kept my voice calm. “Sage is a he.”

“Sage is a she,” she said defiantly. Sage didn’t seem to mind the characterization.

“I’m pretty sure Sage is a boy,” Claudia said playfully. I looked at her and smiled, but she was looking at Julissa. Julissa smiled a mischievous smile.

“He knocked it over.”

“Ok,” I said. “Accidents happen.”

Claudia handed me a couple of paper towels, and I wiped up the spill. Amanda came in, her skin young and perfect. She looked like she was completely smitten. I’m sure there were so many things she would rather be doing than watching my kids.

“He’s so amazing,” she said to Claudia. “I can’t believe you know him.”

“Next time he comes to town, next time there is a soap opera awards, I will introduce you.”

“Really, oh, my God. That would be awesome. For real?”

“Sure,” Claudia said.

“Oh, that would so cool,” Amanda whipped out her phone and shot off a quick text. Claudia and I smiled at each other.

“Amanda, would you mind getting Sage a little more pasta? I think Claudia and I are going to go talk in my studio.”

“No worries,” Amanda said. She looked at Claudia. “Please don’t forget. You can get in touch with me through my Aunt K.”

“I won’t forget. Don’t worry. As long as I work at my job, you can meet Thaddeus.”

I shut the door behind us in my studio. “I think you are her heroine.”

“Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure Thaddeus doesn’t have a girlfriend. I don’t really think women are his thing.”

“Oh, life is hard. Poor girl.”

“Also, I’m under a disciplinary review so I don’t know that I’m going to have my job the next time Thaddeus is in town.”

I looked at her, wanting more information, but she didn’t seem to want to talk about it. She looked around my studio.

“This room is nice. It’s cool that you have a space to do your work.”

“Yeah, I love it,” I said. I didn’t mention that I probably wasn’t going to have it for much longer. “So what’s up?”

“Well, I wanted to come over. It’s Peter’s day to pick up the kids from day care. He drops them off once a week and picks them up once a week. I usually work late. I got the afternoon off, actually tomorrow off, too. Then who knows? I didn’t know how to explain it. I don’t know why I decided to come here. I guess I wasn’t really sure how to face the music.”

I nodded. I pulled over the stool that David used sometimes and sat on it, so Claudia could have my swivel chair. “Do you want to sit down?”

“Yeah,” Claudia said.

“Are you ok?”

She didn’t say anything. She closed her eyes and her eyebrows fluttered, but she composed herself and nodded. “I think I’ve got to be truthful about things that I’m not sure I’m really ready to be truthful about.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I mean, I would. It seems that maybe I should talk to Peter about it first. It doesn’t seem like I have necessarily been fair to him. I haven’t been upfront.”

“Why not? Why wouldn’t you tell him the truth?” I really wanted to know what would make someone lie to the person they loved.

“I don’t know. We got together on this pretext, you know, this plan. It was all practical and methodical. And now we’re in it. The plan is reality. We have two kids and a mortgage. But I don’t feel like he’s ever seen me. I don’t feel like anyone’s ever really seen me,” Claudia said. I heard her say that, and I started to look at her differently. I started to picture looking at her through my lens. I wondered how my camera and I might see her.

“I mean, I keep doing things to surprise myself,” she continued. “Maybe I haven’t seen myself. I want to be truthful, but it’s hard.”

I wondered if that was it for David. Maybe he thought I couldn’t see him. But nothing about us getting together had been practical or methodical. I thought we got together out of passion, out of a shared sense of adventure. Is this what he would have said to me if I asked him? Maybe. But I wasn’t asking him. I wasn’t asking him anything. I was terrified.

“Truth is a funny thing, I think. I mean, sometimes the people that are around probably can’t deal with the truth so they let you lie,” I said.

“I guess we can’t go around naked all the time. We can’t let it all hang out. Everything is a bit of a lie.”

I nodded. At that moment I heard the front door opening and the squeals and excitement from my kids that usually signaled their father’s arrival. They loved him so much. How could I ever do anything to rock the boat? I nourished the lie. I needed it.

“David’s home,” I said.

“Oh, I should go,” Claudia said.

“No, stay. Let’s talk more. Let’s . . . I don’t know, just hang out.”

“What do you mean?”

I was about to explain, but David pushed the door open.

“Oh, excuse me,” he said, seeing Claudia. “I didn’t know you had someone over.”

“David, this is Claudia. She had the twins Jacob and Emily. I think I showed you those pictures.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said. “Nice to meet you. Beautiful children you got there.”

“Nice to meet you, too,” Claudia said. “And thank you. Kirsten took some great pictures of them.”

“Yes, she has an amazing eye,” he said, smiling at me. I thought I almost saw pride.

“Well, you’re an artist, too, right,” Claudia asked. I sensed she was making conversation, being polite. I was surprised when David emphatically shook his head.

“Not anymore, now I’m just a baker.” He glanced at me and smiled. I had seen that look before, recently. He was testing me, the way Julissa had. What did he want me to say to that?

Well, it worked. I was angry. I was tired of saying nothing and going along. Maybe he wanted me to shut up and be the caretaker, but for the first time in weeks he was home on time. He could carry water for the family a while. I wanted some me-time.

“Do you think you could put the kids to bed and send Amanda home? Claudia and I are going to work on something for a little while,”

“No problem,” he said. He was playing the role of the doting father and partner. More lies, everywhere. It was enough to make you cry. “See you around, Claudia.”

“Yes, it was nice to meet you.”

When David closed the door, I turned to Claudia. “Can I photograph you?”

“Oh, is this your thing that you did with Ruth?”

“Yeah, I’ve been finding myself inspired by the women, the mothers, around me,” I said. “So what do you think?”

“I don’t know,” she said. She fluffed the top of her short hair. “I don’t really feel photogenic.”

“This isn’t high fashion. These are similar to portraits. You know, you can be honest with the camera. You can let it, let me, see you.”

I saw her weighing that in her head, but I already knew she was going to do it. I wasn’t going to let David and his not-artist comment throw me off. In spite of it, I was already getting into it. I could feel that we were going to make something good together. We just each had to trust. No more lies.

“Where should I stand?”

“Um, wherever, actually, oh, how about right by this wood screen. You know, you can put your bag down.”

“Should I stand or sit or what?”

“Do whatever,” I said, already starting to snap away. There was something on her mind and I wanted to get to it. I wanted to see it without having her tell me what it was. It didn’t matter, the actual detail. I wanted the emotion. But I could see I was going to have to work with her. I was going to have to peel back some layers. I started talking; I starting coaxing. Photographing children was completely different from adults. Adults needed you to seduce them. I hadn’t been seducing anyone lately, but I could start.

“You know, Claudia, I’m not really sure where I’m going with this project. I know I’ve been inspired, like I was saying. But I will never show anyone a picture of you unless you give me permission. So think of this as just for me, just for us. Try to let go of any inhibitions. I know that’s easier said than done. “

“Kirsten, I think I came out of the womb with inhibitions,” she joked. She made herself laugh. It was a rare unguarded smile. I snapped a picture of her.

“I doubt it. But I’m glad you mentioned that. You know, sometimes I look at Naomi—I did this with Jules too—when she’s on the changing table. She is flailing around naked and happy. She doesn’t know to be ashamed of any part of herself. She is free and happy, as we all should be.”

“Are you asking me to get naked?”

“No, of course, not,” I said. “I mean, you can if you want to, if you think it would help you relax, but I’m trying to put that image in your head to help you relax.”

I could see it wasn’t helping. She was becoming more uptight. She was holding her hands in fists close to her waist. I reached out for one hand and opened up her fist, pulled the arm away from her body. I was beginning to feel inhibited. This couldn’t work this way. I decided to try another approach. I lowered my camera.

“Claudia, you came here tonight with something on your mind. But we haven’t talked about.”

“I don’t know that I can, “she said, looking me in the eye.

“And I’m not asking you too. And, honestly, Claudia if you don’t feel comfortable taking these pictures we don’t have to. But why don’t we try this. Close your eyes. Think about all things going on in your world, everything you do or don’t want to say. The truths you wish you could scream. Keep all that in your head. And then when you open your eyes if you can, give it to me. Don’t tell me, show me. If that makes any sense.”

She closed her eyes and started to open them, but then squeezed them shut again.

“Take your time,” I said.

She did. And when she opened her eyes, the air around her changed. All of my functioning senses felt this. She looked me in the eye. She was vulnerable. She was suffering. She was unreeling and so was I.

“Perfect,” I said. The change in the room was so striking and surprising that I almost couldn’t do my part. But I had to hold up my end of the deal.

I snapped. I didn’t say much. Claudia was going through her own thing, working something out with herself in her head.

“That feeling,” she said, finally, almost tearfully, her hands rising to her face. “Like you said your daughters felt. I remember looking at Emily that way on her changing table. I think I resented that freedom. I can’t believe what I am doing to her.”

“It’s not too late,” I said. “You don’t have to.”

“I want to feel that feeling,” she said. “I want you to see me. I want someone to see me.”

“I will,” I said, feeling the weight of that charge. “I can.”

“This damn bra,” she said. “These stupid nylons on an August day.”

And then she was taking off her skirt and her nylons. She started to unbutton her shirt but then hesitated. She unhooked her bra and pulled it off through her sleeves the way I used to do in high school gym class. She stood there in her crisp shirt and underwear. It was a huge step. In her own way she was naked before me. As naked as she could be. I snapped away, moving around her, encouraging. It wasn’t only her body I was seeing, though she was definitely more relaxed. It was her expression, evolving, as she got more comfortable. She was becoming bold and shameless. She was resigning herself to something.

I pulled my camera away from my face. “Claudia, you are beautiful, thank you.”

She nodded. She wasn’t ready to leave this moment yet and neither was I. I kept photographing her. And again, for me, it was as it had been with Ruth. I felt like I wasn’t there. I was a vehicle, channeling something, not really working, more documenting. This was truth. There was no argument.

I wasn’t aware of time. I was really lost in it. And then I heard the sobbing. I pulled my camera away from me. I looked at Claudia. Her expression had changed. We were out of the moment. But it wasn’t her who had been crying. It was me.