Momfriends (32 page)

“Yeah, do you need me to schedule a meeting?”

“No, can you look and see which of the meetings that are going on right now might potentially be a meeting Deanna would be in?” I asked. This was certainly teetering on sounding like a stalker.

“Um, ok, let’s see here,” I heard her clicking. I imagined the look of confusion and annoyance on her face.

“All of this is pretty low-level. Well, wait, maybe this, do you think she would want to talk about secrets and shame?”

“What?” I asked, my voice betraying my shock. Was Jennifer trying to be funny? Was this some weird administrative blackmail? “What are you talking about?”

“You know that new web soap they’re kicking around. You told me about it.
Secrets and Shame
. Would Deanna go to that?”

Oh, right, that stupid idea for a web soap. I was way too high strung. I was going to give something away if I didn’t relax. Maybe I needed to go outside for some fresh air. No, I couldn’t leave my desk.

“Maybe, what room is that?”

“The little one on thirty-seven. It’s B. Not the one near the bathrooms, the one closer to the kitchen. You know the one?”

“Yes, thanks. How’s your day going?”

“Um, fine, thanks,” she paused. I don’t know why I was keeping her on the line. I don’t know why I needed to talk to someone. I didn’t want to be alone. “How are you?”

“Oh, good. I’m great. You know, it’s nice to have summer.”

“You looking forward to getting away from it all?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I assumed you were going to the lake house again this year. Aren’t you? You have a block on your calendar for the week before Labor Day.”

“Yes, of course, I just forget,” I said. I always forgot how much more Jennifer knew about me than I did about her. It was weird to have someone work for me, to have someone study me. Maybe she could give me some advice based on her past observations.

“Well, it sounds like a good time,” she said. She paused. I could here her tapping her pen on the desk. “So, did you, um, need anything else, Claudia?”

“Oh, no, thanks.”

“Thank you, bye.” She always ended calls that way. There was no reason for her to thank me. Ever.

So there I was again. In my office. Stuck with myself. Waiting. All the documents I was opening had letters that blurred together into nonsense. The phone wouldn’t ring no matter how many times I looked at it. Where was Deanna? The
Secrets and Shame
meeting was on thirty-seven which was Keith’s floor. I didn’t have the strength to see him again today.

I sat there, my heart racing. This was getting to be a common occurrence, but it wasn’t exhilaration I was feeling. It was fear. I was so afraid. I couldn’t connect with myself. I couldn’t slow myself down. Where was this going to go? Really, rationally, there couldn’t be anything Deanna was going to talk to me about. She didn’t know. I had to stop acting so weird.

But the part of me that used to be rational was long gone. And I knew that no matter how much I told myself not to worry, whatever was coming, I should have been worried.

For once in my life, the shit was going to hit the fan. And it had all been my own doing.

The phone rang and I almost jumped out of the chair. It was a number I didn’t recognize. A Brooklyn number. Was Deanna at some off-site location ready to dole out my fate?

“This is Claudia.”

“May I speak with Ms. Bynum please?”

“Yes, this is she,” I said. This was all so formal. What was happening?

“Hi, Ms. Bynum. This is Xionin from Brookese.”

“Oh, hi, how are you?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Is this a bad time?”

“No, I mean, I may be called to a meeting, but no, it’s fine.”

“Well, I have very exciting news,” she said. It sounded as if she was about to give a small child a giant piece of chocolate cake. “Your son, Jacob, has been accepted into our playgroup for next year. Now this doesn’t mean that he gets in to the school, but it’s an amazing first step.”

“My son? Jacob?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” I realized as soon as I asked how bad it sounded.

“Why,” Xionin repeated, laughing. “We don’t often hear that. But I guess Jacob was identified as an independent and creative thinker. He was a leader among his peers. That is what Brookese is striving for more of. Not that this necessarily means he gets in to the school. I want to remind you it’s just the playgroup.”

“Right. So what about my daughter?”

“Your daughter?”

“Emily. Is there a spot for her.”

“You know, I don’t see her on the list. I wasn’t the one who reviewed the applications,” she said. “I guess we should look into that. They are twins, yes?”

“Yes,” I said. It was unbelievable to me that Jacob made the cut and Emily didn’t. Sweet, goofy Jacob. An independent and creative thinker? Unbelievable. I guess I was going to have to figure out a way to keep Emily entertained while Jacob was busy.

“That is going to be difficult, to separate them, no?”

“Well, I don’t know, I never tried. I guess it could be a good thing. But it seems like it might be a logistical inconvenience,” I said.

“Yes, yes,” Xionin said, sounding genuinely concerned. “You know, we will put Emily on the wait-list. I’m sure we can figure out a way to get her in. To the playgroup that is, not the preschool.”

So now Emily, the more advanced kid, was going to be riding on Jacob’s coattails. The grasshoppers really were taking over.

Xionin was going to send me an informational packet with everything I needed to know about being in the playgroup (not the preschool).

This was big. I was one step closer to accomplishing my goal of getting the kids into a preschool. No matter what Xionin said, from all my research it seemed that kids who were accepted into the playgroup got into the preschool. It wasn’t going exactly as planned, but it was going.

I looked around my office. This would be the moment for me to call Peter and share the news. Or maybe I could call my mother, who was perhaps, more emotionally invested. Though she thought this was a “safety” preschool.

But forget her, I was proud of Jacob. And I was also proud of Emily. Being proud of my kids because of or in spite of what they did or didn’t accomplish was something she could never quite grasp.

Deanna was still not calling me. I thought about checking in again. It was after four. But calling her assistant again would be pathetic. Maybe I had to seek her out myself. I had happened by Keith’s desk so many times. I could stalk her too.

I took a deep breath and went down to her floor. I went the most direct way, not the way I had been going that would send me right past Keith. I wanted to get there.

Kate was sitting at her desk outside. She looked up at me and narrowed her eyes. She wasn’t surprised to see me, but there was something.

“Hi, Claudia,” she said. Her eyes darted around. “Hold on a sec.”

She picked up the phone. Then she turned her body away so I couldn’t hear what she was saying into the phone. I instinctively took a step closer, but I still couldn’t hear her. I stepped back quickly when she hung up.

“Claudia, can you go up to Lucia Dolven’s office. They’re waiting for you. Do you know where it is?”

“Yes, on thirty. But Lucia . . . that’s Human Resources.”

Kate didn’t say anything. She nodded her head, slowly. I started nodding too.

And then I knew it. I was fried.

Chapter 17

Kirsten Gets a Lot Off Her Chest

It was liberating to finally confront someone.

I was pulled up at a red light after dropping Julissa off at day camp. A van pulled up next to me and I saw a woman glancing into my backseat. I had been caving in, lately, letting Sage wear what he wanted if it was after David left the house. Today he was wearing boy’s jean shorts and a fuchsia tank top with spaghetti straps.

I saw the woman next to me make a face and then look sharply at me in the front seat. I looked away, hoping the light would change soon, so I could escape the judgment in her eyes. But it was never that easy.

She beeped her horn and gestured for me to roll down my window. I wasn’t going to.

“Mama, what is that lady doing?”

“She’s beeping, buddy. She’s just beeping her horn.” I wish she could have mouthed her request. This way no matter what it was I would know and Sage wouldn’t have to. But she didn’t know I could read lips.

Maybe she needed directions. Why did I have to think the worst? She beeped again and motioned more fervently. Ignoring this wasn’t kind. That wasn’t how I wanted to see the world or the example I wanted to set for my son on how to see it.

I rolled down my window.

“The sun,” she said. “The sun is hitting the baby right in the face.”

What? This is what was so important? I could tell by Naomi’s soft contented noises that she was fast asleep, so why stop me. Did I control the sun? Was I expected to turn around and go hide under a shady tree until nightfall?

I started to do my normal response, the flaky nod and smile. I almost said thank you. But then Ruth popped into my head and I pictured her with a wry smile giving this woman a snarky response. And I imagined Claudia, being horrified about being judged but still managing a completely researched diatribe on vitamin d deficiency pulled from her stockpile of fear-mongering Internet research.

But I didn’t have either of those responses in my bag of tricks. I wasn’t either of those two women. While I was relieved that she hadn’t taken it upon herself to make some ignorant comment about my son, I didn’t know what made this woman think she had the right, the audacity, to tell me this, to tell me my business. What gave anybody the idea that they could do that?

I was sick of it. I was sick of going along with everything.

“You know what,” I said. And then I leaned toward her in my seat, so that even though she might not be able to read lips and I was only going to whisper, there would be know doubt what I was going to tell her. “Fuck you!”

Then the light changed and I gunned it and cut her off. Sage whooped from how fast we went. And I smiled into the rearview mirror, pleased with myself.

“What did you say, mama?”

“I just told her something that adults say, buddy.”

“Something adults say,” he repeated.

“Adults are silly sometimes, buddy.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, but they are.”

Later that afternoon, Amanda picked up Julissa from camp and then came over to watch everyone. I was considering asking her to start doing this a few times a week. It helped me get stuff done—not only the work I was getting paid for. I could work on the pictures of the mothers I had been taking, which were slowly becoming my passion. I would have to talk to David about whether or not we could afford it. But I had a lot of things I needed to talk to David about.

I took a break from my work. I liked to evenly divide my time between my paid work and my preferred creative work. It reminded me of something Claudia would do. It was time to start being more organized.

I went into the kitchen and gave the kids an early dinner so they could spend the next hour or so before bedtime playing Candy Land with Amanda. Bedtime was loose in the summer.

“Are you going to sit with them, Aunt K,” Amanda asked.

“Yeah, do you want anything, Amanda?”

“No, but do you mind if I go watch my show. It’s on now I’ll only watch it till they’re done. I DVR’d it so I can watch the rest later, but it’s on right now live. I am dying to see what happens with Thaddeus and Galia.”

“Ok,” I said. I had no idea what she was talking about, but I wanted to remain ever the cool Aunt K.

“I want to watch the show,” Julissa said. She never got to watch TV, and it was an illicit thrill whenever anyone else did.

“Me too,” Sage said. “I want to see Tadish and Gala.”

“You two need to eat your dinner,” I said. “C’mon, it’s letter pastas with butter and cheese. How yummy. C’mon.”

They complied and then the doorbell rang. This was a lot of excitement from the diners and they leaped from their seats. Even Naomi squealed.

“Who is it?”

“Is it Daddy?”

“Is Daddy home?”

“I want Daddy to come home.”

“I want to watch the show,” Julissa said as she found herself in the living room where Amanda had thankfully muted the television.

“Are you expecting someone?” Amanda asked.

“No,” I said. I pressed the intercom. “Yeah?”

“Hey, it’s Claudia,” she said. Her voice was jumbled on the intercom. “I was just in the neighborhood. Can I come up?”

“Sure, we’re on the third floor,” I said. I buzzed her in. I looked up at Amanda. “It’s a friend, another mom.”

She nodded, not really needing the explanation. She wanted to get back to her show. I opened the door. Claudia was already at the landing. She must have run up the stairs. She was flushed and breathless.

“Hi there,” I said.

“Hi, sorry to just drop by. I know I should have called, but I got out of work early, even though today is the day I usually work late. And anyway, it’s Peter’s day to get the kids and I didn’t want to deviate from the routine,” she said. Her words were fast and jumbled. She stood in my doorway. She wasn’t going to come in until I invited her.

“No worries, come on in.” I stepped back into the apartment. Julissa and Sage got right up in Claudia’s space. “Did you ever meet my daughter Julissa?”

“No, hi, hi Sage.”

“Hi,” Julissa said, checking Claudia out.

“This is my niece, Amanda. Naomi is in her high chair. The kids were having some dinner.”

“I’m really sorry I interrupted.”

“It’s no problem. In fact, Julissa and Sage can you go back to the table and Mama will be there in a minute.”

“But I want to watch the show,” Julissa whined.

“Me too, I wanna see what happens with Maddox and Gaga,” Sage said.

“Sorry,” Amanda said. I shook my head.

“C’mon guys. No TV. Go back into the kitchen and I will be right there. You have to keep Naomi company.”

The kids went back into the kitchen and Claudia glanced at the TV. Amanda had the volume back up as soon as the kids were out of eyesight. I was glad they were gone, because the couple on-screen was making out with a degree of intensity that made me jealous.