Mom's the Word (13 page)

Carved out of my best intentions

Piled high with the broken pieces

Of our best love. There is no

Address or knob for the door.

Green grass, sawdust promises

Wearing a mouth of stone.

A hole to heal the

Glue of all that once

Held, bone and sinew.

Nothing borrowed or blue,

No secondhand salve

Just honey and midnight.

Inky black and cold except

Where your bone is

My bone and your flesh

Kisses mine.

That hollow, life deep and

Day long is filled with

Needle and thread, marrow

And bed-buttons to close

The wounds of word and deed.

 

—Karol

Day 11, after Rob went to play golf

“W
e have to talk.” Rob spoke softly, as if the children would hear, as if they weren't zooming through the yard next door.

Rob closed the window gently, tuning out the last and best of her distractions. Karol welcomed the silence, knowing that things had been leading to this all along.

She sat down on the floor with her back against the couch. Her legs crossed in front of her.

Rob took her hand and pulled her onto the couch, where they sat facing each other. “Everyone is praying for us, I hear. I even found out from some guys at church today that this is all a result of my ‘problem' with pornography.”

“Rob—”

“I do not have a problem with pornography, Karol. I struggled with it in college, but you knew that. I can't say that it's easy being on a computer all the time at work and never knowing where a naked woman is going to pop up, but I do everything I can to keep it out of my sight and trust God for the rest. The men I saw this morning, men who are supposedly ‘praying for me' aren't men who know me. The men who really pray for me know that if I'm struggling, I'm not ashamed for anyone to know. But I should be the one who lets them know. Not you. Not Hope. Not anyone else.”

Karol wrung her hands. “You're right. Hope made some calls and said some things that were totally out of line. It was my fault. She's my friend, but you are my husband. I should never put her in a position to be able to assassinate your character. Here you are doing all this to help me feel better and I'm kicking your feet from under you. We talked about it, Hope and I, a while ago. I thought you'd heard.”

“I don't eavesdrop, Karol.”

“Right. Well, I wanted to talk to you about this a million times in the past few days, especially before you left this morning…”

Rob looked away. Karol hadn't seen him this angry in a very long time. He was a good man, a Christian man, but a man all the same. She tried to steel herself for whatever he might say that he didn't mean. What she might say in return.

“I didn't lie to you when I told you that I was on that site to be someone's accountability.” He looked as though he wanted to say more, but instead, he looked away.

Karol felt herself double over as though she'd been punched in the stomach. She found no words to respond, but the look on her face must have asked all her questions. Her husband's eyes answered them, though he spoke not a word. Singh. That's who Rob had been an accountability partner for. And Hope didn't know.

Everything made sense now; the way Rob and Singh seemed to drift farther apart even as Karol and Hope had become closer, the extra prayer sessions Rob and Singh had done with Brent Waverly. Hope had called Brent, but he probably knew the whole story. What a mess. And yet, it all could have been cleared up so easily if Rob had just told her what was going on. Suddenly, Karol felt a fierce but brief anger against both men. So much trouble. If only Singh had just gone to Hope about it in the first place…Even as she thought it, Karol realized how impossible that would have been. With Hope there was right and wrong, with little room left in between.

“I can't believe this,” she said, trying to catch her breath.

“Believe what?”

“That it was Singh. All this time.”

“I didn't say that.”

“Maybe you should have. We've both been trying to be loyal to everyone but each other. I just can't believe that it was Singh, that he could let me think it was you. If it was him, I mean. I do find it hard to believe.”

Tightness settled around Rob's jaw. “But it wasn't hard to believe that it was me, your husband.”

Oops. “I didn't mean it like that.”

Rob stood. “I think you did. It's easier for you to believe that I was doing something wrong than to believe that about Singh. I'm not perfect, Karol. I have my temptations just like any man. Mine however, aren't virtual. So call Hope and tell her that. At least people can get their prayers right.”

Tears stung Karol's eyes. Everything had gone wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. “So what are you saying? That there's someone else?”

He shook his head. “No, Karol. There isn't anyone else. I only want you. The enemy sure knows how to send women my way while I wait, though.”

“Wait for what?”

“Wait for you to want me back. I'm going to get the children now.”

When the door slammed shut, something inside Karol shattered. Her husband hadn't raised his voice or lifted his hand against her, but she knew that this afternoon's wounds would take a long time to heal.

This year seemed to be an endless losing.

 

They were going to North Carolina, going to Hope and Singh's, to the girls' birthday party. Mia had waited months for it and she'd never celebrated a birthday without Eden. Maybe next year they'd stay home, but not yet. It was too soon, too raw. Everything was.

Karol hoped she wouldn't say anything to Hope she would regret. A part of her wanted to throw the truth in her friend's face, a truth she knew deep within herself even if her husband wouldn't substantiate it. In a way, that hurt worse than anything.

Ryan wasn't too keen on the trip, an entire day of balls and boats with Aaron and Anthony when all he wanted to do was sit in a tree and curl up with a book. He flipped pages frantically in the car, as if trying to fill himself with words before he saw his old friends, who always seemed to drain the words right out of Ryan, leaving him quiet and forgotten. Karol reminded herself to make sure that didn't happen. Her young man had come so far. She wouldn't let anyone, not even Hope, take away what he'd gained.

Still stinging from their argument, Rob had mixed feelings at first about visiting Hope and Singh. In the end, he admitted it had to be done. The trip to Charlotte took longer than they thought, eleven hours but the scenery made up for it.

As they closed in on their destination, Mia and Judah were ecstatic about seeing their old friends. Ryan didn't seem so excited. Karol couldn't blame him. Without meaning to, people always made comparisons among the boys and often Ryan came out on the short end, literally and figuratively. With Dyanne next door, he had someone who not only understood his love for books, but showed him the possibility of making a living in publishing someday. Unlike his mother with her box of poems under her bed, Dyanne and Fallon were the real deal.

With a stack of books from Neal's library and a new moleskin notebook—an early birthday gift from Dyanne—he took in the ride in jots and tittles, steeling himself for the identity crisis ahead. Karol did the same. Singh had been quite happy to hear that they were coming, but Hope didn't seem as enthusiastic as she'd been on the phone the week before. It was as if she thought that Karol and her family were going to infect her children with their sinful ways.

We just might,
Karol thought. We are sinners, all of us here. Only God's grace saves us from ourselves. That grace would have to be sufficient, both for Karol and for Hope.

As the mountains rose and fell along the road, Karol searched the scriptures and her own heart for the reality of her relationship with Hope. And her relationship, or lack thereof, with God. With time and prayer she began to see the pattern that had defined their days: Hope as the wise teacher and Karol as the forever student. In truth, Hope had taught her many things, but in a real friendship the love and learning should flow both ways. Things had gotten tense after the move because Karol had determined to follow God even if it led her to places she and Hope had never traveled.

“Nervous?” Rob pulled off at the exit for Charlotte.

“Yes.” With the children in the car, it was all she felt comfortable saying. In truth, it was all that needed to be said.

“Me, too,” Rob said.

From the backseat, between the pages of three-inch-thick fantasy novel came another response.

“Me, three.”

 

Despite all the tension, the sight of her old friend sent Karol running across the driveway she'd seen only in pictures. The children clung to her sides as she embraced Hope.

Mia and Eden sprinted toward each other and collapsed in a hugging, crying heap. “Happy birthday,” they both shouted. The other children released Hope and joined in.

Singh extended a hand toward Rob. Karol smiled when her husband pushed the hand away and hugged his old friend instead. The past few months had seemed like years. Long hard years.

Inside the house, there were gifts and cake, punch and cards. Karol looked for the new friends the children had made: neighbors or kids from the new church Hope spoke so little about. There weren't any. No other adults came, either, although there were houses close by on both sides. Karol thought it strange, but she didn't say anything. Singh's downcast eyes and nervous movements made her wonder what to say.

When she smiled at Rob, he didn't smile back. He, too, was watching Singh and Hope, who seemed like actors out of a movie who couldn't remember their lines. Something was wrong here. Very, very wrong.

Even the children thought so.

“We hate it here. It's so good that you came. Maybe now things can go back to normal. Everything is turned upside down.” It was Anthony, who wasn't much of a talker. He cornered Karol by the punch bowl. Behind the usual mischief in his eyes, was something Karol had never seen there—fear.

Once all the gifts were opened, Singh sent the children out on the patio to play. Hope protested, but he said it would be all right. “We can see them from here. Besides, we need to talk.”

Tell me about it.

As the glass door shut behind Ryan, he gave his mother a thumbs-up before pulling a handheld game from his pocket and heading for the largest tree. Karol smiled at the encouragement. She had a feeling she'd need it. They all would.

Singh wasted no time, calling them all together to pray. The prayer was short and powerful, a plea for cleansing and forgiveness, a call for truth and love. It sounded more like preparations for a judicial inquiry than a quiet conversation among friends.

“Rob, I apologize for the gossip and foolishness my family has stirred up against you. Of all people in the world, you are the last who deserves to be defamed or accused.

“Karol, Rob told you that he was on that site you saw to be an accountability partner for someone. He was telling the truth. Please, Rob, turn to your wife and tell her who that person was—”

“I don't think that's necessary, man—”

Singh shook his head. “Please. Tell your wife the truth. This is a day of reckoning.”

Rob turned to Karol and told her for sure what she'd already known. “It was Singh. I was on the site for Singh.”

Karol felt the tears coming and reached for her friend's hand, knowing that Hope was probably crying, too. They could get through this, all of them. Together.

Hope shot to her feet. “You're lying.”

Maybe not.

Karol felt as though she'd been slapped. “Pardon me?”

Hope's face was red and flushed. “You heard me. Tell them, Singh. Tell her the truth. I can't say anymore. I know I shouldn't have made those calls. God dealt with me about it. But to ride all the way here to accuse my husband of the same thing? Oh, Rob. That's just too much.”

Rob stared at Singh, who turned to his wife with tears in his eyes. “It's true, Hope. It was me. I am so, so sorry. I should have told you a long time ago. I just didn't want you to misunderstand, to think it was your fault in some way. It's my problem. All mine.”

Something twisted inside of Karol as realization tore the mask off Hope's face. She looked at Karol in horror and stumbled away from them. Though things had been said and done that were hurtful, the moment washed all of that away. Karol reached for Hope, whispering all the best words they had shared over the years.

“This is a bad day. It is not your destiny. It is not the end. Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega. He wrote your beginnings. He knows your end. It will be well, in the end, all will be well.”

Hope squeezed Karol's fingers with her own. “What a fool I've been. Worrying about you when my own house is on shifting sand. I knew something, but I didn't want to know.”

“He loves you, Hope. You said yourself that most men struggle with this. Women, too. There is hope. There is help. Just give yourself some time.”

“I don't know if I can. It's not just what he did but how he did it. Even worse is that he let me think it was Rob, let me tear Rob down…”

Singh took his wife's other hand. “You let yourself do that, sweetheart. I asked you, no begged you, not to say those things.”

“You certainly did. It's all me. You didn't do a thing. It's all my fault!”

Karol and Rob startled at the sound they'd never heard before—Hope screaming at the top of her lungs. Outside, the roar of children went silent for a moment, but quickly resumed. Obviously, it was a sound they had heard before.