Monkey Wrench (10 page)

‘Funny joke, huh?' Carl said. ‘You laughing, Eva? You want to know what happens?'

‘No,' I said. I made for the door. He got between me and it. He had a body like a god and his eyes were boiling.

‘You know what happens when Percy the Python gets hungry, Eva?' he said. ‘We don't just feed him, do we? No, Eva, we don't. We have a little game. We release all the mice into the tank. And we take bets. Which one gets swallowed first? Which one goes next? Get the picture? The big bet goes on which mouse survives longest.'

‘Gimme that fucking mouse,' I said, ‘and let me out of here.'

But he held the white mouse above his head and didn't budge an inch.

‘You know the funny thing, Eva?' he said. ‘You know what really makes us bust our guts laughing? See, Percy the Python eats
mice whole. He opens his mouth and swallows them whole. And you know what, Eva, you can see a lump in the snake. And the best bit, Eva? The lump squeaks. You can hear the mouse squeaking from inside Percy. Ain't that a laugh?'

I had enough. So I aimed a real up-and-under at his god-like jock strap. But he swung aside and I kicked the door instead.

‘That python,' Carl said, while I was hopping around. ‘Sometimes he's called Percy. Sometimes he's called Roger, and sometimes he's called Dick. Geddit, Eva, geddit?'

‘No I sodding don't get it,' I said. I wrenched the door open and hopped outside. ‘But why don't you take your limp Percy-Roger-Dick and screw yourself?'

‘Don't get all upset,' Carl said. ‘I just thought you'd like to know the effect your little friends had. Just in case you were thinking of inviting them around again.'

‘Know what, Carl,' I yelled. ‘Your body may be sacred, but your brain's two hundred per cent sicko. And a bean-sprout'd have better muscles than you if you didn't pump yourself full of hot air and anabollox.'

He didn't have an answer to that. But you know what he did? He took the white mouse called Eva out of its box. He held her in his fist so that just her little head poked out. And he raised her up to his lips.

He said, ‘I bet you think this Eva-mouse will last longest. Eh? Because it's biggest. Eh? Well, Eva-mouse may be big, but it's all show. Eva-mouse is slow. Retarded. Eva-mouse will get swallowed first.'

And you know what he did?

He bit her head off.

I couldn't believe it. He bit her little white head off, and he spat it out on the floor.

One minute there she was with her garnet eyes flickering, and the next she was staring up at me from the floor. And her eyes were just the same colour as her blood.

I couldn't believe it. What kind of sicko-psycho does a thing like that?

I couldn't even kick him because I'd already hurt my foot. I looked round for something to hit him with, but where we were standing everything had been nailed to the floor.

‘What you got to say to that?' he said. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and spat again.

‘I didn't know you was that hungry,' I said. It's a good thing I'm into mental discipline. ‘If I'd known you was that hungry,' I said, ‘I'd of brought you a septic tank to suck on.'

Mental discipline is what saved California Carl's nuts. That and the fact that everything was nailed down. And also my teeth were hurting.

But he better watch out. I burn slow. And I don't forget.

‘Going?' he said. ‘So soon? What's the matter, Eva – can't you take a joke? That's the trouble with you girls. No sense of humour.'

I don't forget and I won't forget. Not about Gruff and Pete and their python. Nor about the mice. Nor about California Carl. Especially California Carl.

On my way out I met Mr Deeds coming in.

‘Oy! Where's the fire?' he said. ‘You could've knocked me over. Still, I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you about masks.'

‘What?'

‘Masks, Eva. What you put over your head when you don't want anyone to see your face.'

‘I know what a mask is. I ain't pig ignorant.'

‘Very popular,' he said. ‘Kendo Nagasaki, the Rasputin Brothers. It's the air of mystery. What I want to know, Eva, is have you ever seen a woman fight in a mask?'

‘What woman?'

‘No woman,' Mr Deeds said. ‘Have you ever
seen
one? Only me and some of the boys were talking dinner time. And we reckoned a mask might suit
you
Eva.'

‘What mask?'

‘I don't know,' he said, sounding cross. Which made two of us. ‘I don't know what mask. That'd be up to you. The Woman in the Iron Mask. Could be a splash, Eva. Think about it.'

Some of the boys and Mr Deeds. Talking about me at dinner time. Masks.

‘Where you going, Eva?' Mr Deeds shouted. ‘I ain't finished.'

‘Dentist,' I said. ‘I got toothache.'

Mr Deeds is the guv'nor. He is Mr Money Bags. He pays me my purse. I can't sit on his head and chop his legs off at the knees. I can't stuff his head in a bag like he wants to stuff mine. And cut off his light and air.

I've seen those masks, and I wouldn't be caught dead in one. You can't see proper. You can't hear proper. You can't breathe or talk.

Wear a mask? I'd rather disembowel myself with a rusty spoon.

One day, I'm going to be so freaky famous, no one, not Mr Deeds, not California Carl, not Gruff, not Pete,
no one
will have the nerve to piss me around.

I don't like running. In fact, I despise running. Running don't do nothing but hurt your knees and puff you out.

The gym was enemy city that day. But I am a big girl and I need exercise, so I ran all the way from the gym back to Mandala Street. Which is most of two miles.

I did not jog. Jogging is for recreationals. I ran. Get the difference? Good. Not many do.

It was mizzling and cold enough to make your nose drip. I ran, but I didn't enjoy it. It was turning out to be the sort of day I don't enjoy.

By the time I got to Mandala Street it seemed my whole life was like that – just one mega screw-up after another. Beginning with birth. If you don't believe me, ask my ma. She'll tell you. Why shouldn't she tell you? She tells me often enough.

My ma wishes I'd never been born. More than that, she wishes I'd never been got. She says she was sick for the whole nine months and when that was over I came out the wrong way round. The doctor had to haul me out by the feet. She says I ripped her from stem to stern and I've been nothing but trouble ever since.

My ma has been ashamed of me since day one. She says no one at the hospital had ever seen such an ugly baby. She says my sister Simone cried when she took me home. She says Simone cried and asked for a pretty doll instead. I bet she's lying. Simone'd never say a stupid thing like that. She's a lying cow, my ma.

She says she doesn't know who my dad is. I used to want to know who he was when I was a kid but I don't care any more. Why should I? But she should know. You don't go round having daughters by any old bim you meet, do you? I bet she knows, and she's lying as usual. Like she does about Simone. She just wants to keep us all apart.

That's the sort of thing you think about when you're running. Running doesn't occupy the mind like weight-training does. Running gives you the hump.

I had the hump by the time I got to Mandala Street.

Crystal was not on her stall so I went to the Premises. She was coming out just as I got there.

She said, ‘Oh Eva, I was going to fetch you. Queenie's in a bad way.'

I went in.

Everyone was there. I was all amazed because the place had changed so much. The shop floor had been swept out and there was a light. In the back room I found fat Mandy, Kath with the bosoms, a little boy, and a plumber.

Kath said, ‘Cup of tea, Eva. Milk and sugar?'

‘Yeah,' I said, blinking. They were boiling water in an electric kettle. The plumber was on the floor with his head under the sink.

Kath said, ‘This is Stef's kid, Marlon.'

A bigger kid came in saying, ‘I wanna biscuit.' He stopped when he saw me. He stood for a minute with his mouth open. ‘Hey!' he said. ‘You're Bucket Nut, ain'cha?'

‘Don't be so fucking rude,' Mandy said. ‘This is Eva.'

‘Who're you?' I said.

‘Stu,' Mandy said. ‘He's Kath's eldest.'

‘Can I have your autograph?' Stu said. ‘You're nearly famous, aren't you?'

‘Less of the “nearly”,' I said.

‘Stop strutting, Eva,' Crystal said. ‘Queenie and Justin's upstairs.'

‘What the fuck's happening?' I said. ‘Everyone's here, and it ain't exactly discreet.'

‘You heard of squatters' rights?' she said.

‘No,' I said. ‘When you and me was roughing it, squatters had rights like donkeys had feathers.'

‘Well,' she said, leading the way upstairs, ‘I thought, “The more the merrier.” Like, the more of us there are in here, the more “in” we are, the harder it'll be to get us out. And it's ever so damp
downstairs, so we had to get Justin and Queenie up to a smaller room we could keep warm. And we needed power and water so Kath brought her feller. He's quite handy. And some of the market people helped too.'

‘You told them?' I said. ‘Shit, Crystal, they'll dob on us.'

‘They're mates of mine,' she said. ‘Mates don't dob on mates.'

Crystal didn't used to have any mates at all. When me and Crystal teamed up, even her own sister wouldn't take her in.

There were two bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs.

‘We thought the front room was best for Justin,' Crystal said.

Who the fuck was ‘we'? That's what I wanted to know. It was supposed to be my premises, my gym. It was supposed to be Crystal and me.

I was going to ask, but she opened the bedroom door. Inside was Bella, Stef and Justin. There was a big mattress on the floor and Justin was in bed. Last night he only had a sleeping bag. Now there were sheets and pillows and he looked warm and comfy. He was eating soup out of a china bowl. Stef was holding the bowl.

‘You landed on your feet,' I said.

‘I've been incredibly lucky,' he said. He looked at me out of swimming pool eyes.

‘He ain't well,' Stef said. ‘Eat yer soup, Justin. You got to keep your strength up.'

‘It's Queenie,' Justin said. ‘It's Queenie who isn't well.'

Queenie lay at the end of the mattress. She looked half dead and barely breathing. There were two little fur balls cuddled into her stomach.

I squatted down to look. I didn't touch her or the little fur balls. You got to be careful of dogs who just had puppies. They don't like strangers butting in.

Justin was right to be worried.

Bella said, ‘I don't think she's got any milk.'

Queenie looked sunk in on herself, like a dusty old fur coat someone threw on the floor. She had a nasty discharge and it smelled bad.

Crystal said, ‘We thought you'd know what to do.'

‘She's not right, is she?' Justin said.

‘Her babies are okay though, aren't they?' Crystal said.

‘There was too much blood,' Justin said. ‘There shouldn't be. With dogs, I mean. She tried too hard, poor thing.'

‘Eat yer soup,' Stef said.

‘What you think?' Bella said. She was leaning against the window with her arms folded.

‘I think Justin's right,' I said. ‘This ain't normal.'

‘Poor old girl,' Justin said. He leaned forward and stroked her head very gently.

I watched carefully. Queenie's eyelid flickered and the muscles at the base of her spine twitched. She wanted to wag her tail but she wasn't strong enough.

Ain't that amazing? The poor old bitch was dying but she was still grateful Justin stroked her.

‘What you going to do?' Bella said from the window.

‘Get a vet,' I said. ‘She's too far gone for home nursing.'

‘I haven't got any money,' Justin said. ‘You'll never get a vet to come here.'

‘Wanna bet?' I said. I stood up.

‘Eat yer soup before it gets cold,' Stef said. ‘Eva'll look after Queenie.'

‘Keep her warm,' I said, ‘and try and get some water down her.'

‘She won't drink her tea,' Justin said sadly.

‘Try and get some water in her mouth,' I said. ‘She looks as if she's drying up.'

‘She can't hold her head up.'

‘Use an eye dropper or something,' I said. Honestly, I have to think of everything. Justin had no right to give up on Queenie. Not when she was using her last bit of strength to show she loved him.

Bella peeled herself off of the window.

‘I'll get something from the chemist,' she said. ‘What about a douche bag? Will that do?'

‘How would I know?' I said. I went downstairs with Crystal and Bella.

‘You just want to drip some water in her mouth and down her throat,' I said. ‘You don't want to choke her.'

‘Okay,' Bella said. ‘What about a gravy baster.'

‘Jesus!' I said. Because I never seen a gravy baster. I never seen a douche bag either. Bella was just saying it to make me feel ignorant.

‘Only an eye dropper seems awfully small,' Bella said. ‘And Queenie's a big dog. Suppose she bites it and ends up with broken glass in her mouth?'

‘Don't you go near her,' I said. ‘Whatever you get, you let Justin do the business. Right?'

‘Right,' she said. ‘I don't like big dogs anyway.'

Which showed what sort of woman
she
was.

‘Where you going?' Crystal said.

‘Phone.'

‘Who?'

‘Vet.'

‘Oh,' she said. ‘Yeah. You know, we could do with a phone.' And she got that look in her eye which meant some poor bugger from the phone company had better watch out.