Monkey Wrench (25 page)

Maybe he was the only one who could. But there's not many people can talk to a monkey wrench when it's got its jaws clamped round your throat.

But it was a weight off my mind. Crystal wanted straightening out, and Justin was going to do it. Bingo! I was free. No worries.

I could jump back into my own life same way I could jump into a warm bath. I could wash the dirt off and ease the aches. Screw Mandala Street. Screw the Premises. I was going back to Sam's Gym where they had proper equipment, proper mats, proper showers and lavvies. Where they had proper professionals training. People like me – in my business.
My
business. Not a bagful of tarts who don't know an armlock from a padlock, or a forearm smash from bangers and mash, or a body press from a trouser press.

'Cos those slags, well, they ain't my kind. You can't buy me for the price of a drink. I came a long way to hide from all that.

‘I can't keep up,' Justin said. Puff, puff, puff.

See what I mean? He ain't my kind neither. He didn't have a proper hard body. He didn't have no control. Maybe he couldn't keep up – but believe me, I wasn't going to let him hold me back.

‘Bye,' I said. ‘I'm off.'

And I went.

Things don't never happen the way you plan. There's days when I ask myself why I bother planning. It's not like I don't think, 'cos I do. I think and
think
about what ought to happen. I think till steam shoots out me ears. And then – splat – it's like I built a house in my head and the bricks start dropping off one by one, till there's nothing left – all that thinking in a heap of rubble.

I hardly got to Sam's Gym when the first thing went wrong. I was going up the steps when I saw Bella going up too.

I said, ‘What the fuck you doing here?' Because she oughtn't to be there. It wasn't in my plan. In my plan I'd never see bitch Bella ever again. I wouldn't see her on the stairs up to
my
gym all painted and powdered and pouting, all ready for work in a tiny little skirt which practically showed her knickers – if she was wearing any.

She said, ‘The trouble with you, Eva, is you're just too warm and cuddly for your own good.'

‘Screw you!' I said. ‘What you want here? You looking for me?'

‘Yeah,' Bella said. ‘I need the name of the charm school you graduated from so I can take lessons.'

‘Shit worms,' I said. ‘What you want?'

‘Nothing from you,' she said. ‘But your mate Pete owes me money. He thinks I've forgotten but I ain't.'

I would've laughed if I hadn't been so peed-off seeing her where she didn't ought to be. I thought Bella would've grabbed the dosh up front. It didn't seem like her to make a mistake like that.

I said, ‘I didn't know you worked cash on delivery.'

‘I don't,' she said, ‘but the bastard nicked it back when Stef started screaming.'

‘Can't trust anyone these days,' I said. ‘You should pick your punters more careful.'

‘Like your mother did?' she said. And she showed her sharp little fox teeth.

‘What you know about my ma?'

‘Hah!' she crowed, and grinned even wider. ‘I
thought
so!'

I started to see spots. I shouted, ‘What you saying about my ma?'

‘Nothing,' she said. ‘I never met your ma. I only know her daughter.'

‘Then shut yer dirty little mouth!'

‘All right,' she said, and she went on up the stairs. I stood where I was, breathing hard.

My ma is not like Bella. She isn't! Bella's a dirty, filthy, shitty liar. My ma has a hard life and she gets by as best she can, but she is
not
like Bella. I won't stand for it! And if you believe she is, you believe
lies
.

I went up the stairs slowly. I felt like I was choking. I felt like someone put a blanket on my head and I couldn't breathe proper. I had to stand outside the swing doors waiting for my lungs to work regular.

The doors swung open and Flying Phil and old Mr Julio came out like they'd finished work and were going home. It was later than I thought. The Julios looked at me but they didn't say nothing.

‘What you looking at?' I said. But they went on down stairs without saying bugger all.

A bit later Harsh came out. He said, ‘Go home, Eva.'

‘What?'

‘Take a week's holiday,' Harsh said. ‘When the time is unfavourable, every action brings misfortune.'

‘Eh?'

‘The dog who crosses a flooded stream gets its tail wet,' Harsh said. ‘Now is not the time, Eva. Go home.'

And he was gone before I could draw enough breath to ask him what he meant.

I went into the gym.

I was hardly through the doors when Mr Deeds came running. He was all strawberry coloured. He said, ‘I'm surprised you've got
the nerve to show your face round here. But now you're here you can collect your evil-minded little friend and take a long walk off a short pier.'

I looked, but I couldn't see Bella. I said, ‘She ain't no friend of mine, Mr Deeds.'

‘You've brought this business into disrepute,' he said. ‘You're finished.'

‘Don't give me that,' I said. ‘I ain't done nothing. I've come to train, same as always. I done a good show for you last night, Mr Deeds, and I want my money.'

‘Get knotted!' he said. ‘You got the
neck
to talk to me about last night after the way you behaved to me. I don't allow anyone to shove me around like you did last night. And never a woman!'

‘You was going to stand me down,' I said. ‘But you didn't, and I done a stone brill show. You should thank me.'

‘
Thank
you!' he said. ‘You're through. You're barred. You're out!'

‘You can't do that,' I said. ‘You owe me my purse for last night.'

‘You're fined too,' he said. ‘Now fucking hop it. And don't come back – not now, not next week, not next year.
Not ever
.'

I was boggled – strapped for words. The only thing I could think of to do was jump up and down on his throat.

But I didn't, because that's when Bella started screaming.

‘What the fuck?' said Mr Deeds, and he made for the men's changing room.

‘I want my money,' I said, and I went after him.

‘Gruff!' yelled Mr Deeds.
‘Gruff
. What the fuck's going on in there.'

Gruff Gordon came out of the men's changing room and stood with his back to the door. He looked like someone pulled him through a briar patch backwards and he had a silly limp grin on his pan. Bella was shrieking behind the door.

‘What're you boys up to in there?' Mr Deeds said. ‘Keep it down, for Christ's sake. I can't hear myself think.'

‘Just a bit of fun,' Gruff said.

‘
Give me my money
!' I said.

‘The girl can't take a joke,' Gruff said.

Bella screamed.

‘She shouldn't be in there anyway,' Mr Deeds said. ‘Get her out.'

‘Eva!' screamed Bella. ‘Eva!'

It made my teeth ache hearing her scream my name. I said, ‘You give me my money, Mr Deeds. You
owe
me.'

‘Shut up!' he yelled. ‘Where's Pete? Where's Carl?'

Gruff said, ‘Don't go in.'

But I kneed his knob and hit the door with my shoulder.

My whole face hurt with Bella's shrieking and I had to shut her up.

‘Watch out!' Gruff said. ‘Carl's let the snake out!'

The poxy python. Carl hadn't just let it out. He had it in his hand.

Pete had Bella spread on a bench.

Carl was trying to ram Bella with the python's head. She was kicking, twisting, screaming. And who could blame her?

I never seen anything so disgusting in all my life.

Carl trying to stuff Bella with a six foot python.

Even Mr Deeds was floored.

‘Oy!' he said. ‘Oy, Pete! What in hell d'you think you're playing at?'

Pete let Bella go.

He said, ‘Oh. Sorry Mr Deeds. Just having a bit of a giggle.'

Mr Deeds said, ‘Just …?'

But I wasn't looking at Pete. I was looking at Carl. Because the man was badly off his head. He was serious. He was foaming. He'd boiled over.

He went, ‘You want it. You want it. You-want-it-you-want-it. Split-your-slit-split-your-slit…' On and on. Over and over. And he looked at me the way he looked at Bella.

I grabbed Bella. Bella grabbed her knickers and her bag. We ran.

I ain't afraid of much. You know I ain't.

But running out of Sam's Gym then I was almost wetting myself. I couldn't run fast enough. And neither could Bella. She was gripping my hand like she wanted to break my fingers off. I was dragging her. And she was dragging me.

Because Carl was barking mad. He was a total freak.

And that is frightening.

Never mind the python. I'm not scared of snakes.

But I was scared of Carl.

I stiff-armed the swing doors and we sprinted through. We ran and tumbled down the stairs. Bella broke the heel off her shoe but we kept on running till we were out on the pavement, and then we huffed and puffed all the way to the tube station.

‘Stop,' I yelled. ‘I'm not going down there.'

‘Well I am!' Bella said. ‘You go where you like. I'm getting out of here.' She was shaking and hopping around on her one good shoe.

‘Typical,' I said. ‘Fucking typical. You only think of your cowing self. You've done me up like sliced sausage. You've got me booted. And now it's “fuck you, bye-bye”. No wonder the blokes rough you up.'

‘Shut up,' Bella screamed. She was stood there on the kerb with her knickers in one hand and her handbag in the other.

‘Shut your stupid fucking mouth,' she screamed. ‘You just don't get it, do you? You think you're so wonderful. You think, 'cos you got a couple of muscles, you're above it all. You think you're one of the boys.'

‘You're raving,' I said. ‘You're disgusting.'

‘Oh yeah?'

‘Yeah!'

‘Well, let me tell you Mr High and Mighty Eva Fucking Wylie. You ain't one of the boys. You piss sitting down like I do.' She was spitting in my face. She was shouting so loud I could see her tonsils waggle.

‘I don't do
nothing
like you,' I told her. ‘I wouldn't even step on you – you're dirtier than cat crap.'

And she swung her handbag at me. I caught her wrist, and her wrist was angry red from when Pete held her down.

We were nose to nose, only I had to bend double to get in her face.

I swear I would've clumped her but just then a scarlet Honda Prelude pulled up alongside. Maybe the driver was stoned. Maybe he thought Bella was waving to him with her knickers. How should I know what a bog-brush like him thinks?

He leaned across the passenger seat and said, ‘You girls looking for business?' And he grinned an evil dirty grin.

A funny humming started in my ears. My teeth felt like iron spikes. I spun on my toes and lashed out with my boot. I landed a thudding kick on the passenger door and saw it dimple like a belly-button.

‘Oy!' the bog-brush yelled. ‘What the fuck are you playing at?' He opened his door and climbed out.

Suddenly everything was clear and simple. Just me and the metal. The metal and me. There was an empty space in my head. It was peaceful.

I vaulted on to the red bonnet. Just me and metal. And I was stronger. The red nose buckled as I jumped up and down on it. Thud-crimp-crump.

I leaped on the roof and danced on its red head. I made its scarlet skull bend under my weight. Thud-crimp-crump.

I jumped down. I got my hands under the doorsills. I rocked. I heaved. I wanted to turn the fucking motor over and send it rolling like a dead red dice across the road.

I could have. I'm strong enough.

The bog-brush swung and hit me on my back.

Bella hit the bog-brush with her handbag.

I straightened. The bog-brush took one look at my face and he started running.

‘Yeah!' Bella screamed, ‘and I hope your cock drops off!' She was all pink and hopping, like she'd been savaging a motor too.

Then she said, ‘Shit, Eva, the law!'

I looked and saw polizei coming my way, trotting along with its pointy blue hat under its arm.

Bella vanished, whoosh, down the tube station steps.

I took off running after bog-brush.

Bog-brush turned and saw me coming. He thought I was coming for him so he put a sprint on.

I turned and saw polizei galloping after me, so I put a sprint on.

I caught up with bog-brush. Polizei caught up with me.

Bog-brush was jibbering. He went, ‘No – don't – you're mad …'

I grabbed him – like I do in the ring. I swung him round so fast his feet left the ground. I let go. I threw him at polizei.

If we'd been in the ring he'd of twanged off the ropes. We weren't in the ring. He crashed into polizei. Polizei stumbled and almost swallowed his walkie-talkie. They went down, ker-rash, all arms and legs. Polizei's helmet rolled into the gutter. Bog-brush landed on his chin.

It was ace. I felt a laugh rising like a burb in my throat. It exploded.

‘Ha-ha-ha-ha,' I went. Then I got up on my toes and pounded away.

I ran up the main road, dodging in and out of the crowds.

‘Ha-ha-ha,' I went. And people stopped to look. But I just ran on, turning into side roads, zig-zagging up alleys.

And then it started to rain, and no one was looking no more. I stopped laughing. I looked round. It was dark. It got dark on me when I was running and laughing.

Polizei was gone. There was no reason to run anymore.

Carl and the snake came rushing back into my head, and there was no reason to laugh anymore neither.