Monkey Wrench (24 page)

Anyway, that's where I was – Waterloo. And I started looking round for something to eat, because I'd walked a long way and I was feeling quite light-headed.

But the station wasn't a friendly place no more. There was nowhere to sit to take the weight off your feet. There was no bins for dumped food. There was no one I recognised.

And why should there be? All the people I knew was gone ages
ago. And me. I was gone too. I wasn't a kid no more. I don't hang round stations. I'm a professional with a career and relaxed mental attitude. I don't got to look in bins for bits of burger no more.

‘What're you looking for?' Justin asked.

He made me jump out of my boots. ‘What?' I said.

‘You're looking for something,' he said.

‘What you doing here?'

‘I followed you,' Justin said. ‘You stormed off. But you looked really, sort of, weird. So I followed you.'

‘Who said you could?' I said. ‘I never said you could follow me.'

‘I was afraid you might, sort of,
do
something. But you just walked. And then, I saw you were coming here, and I thought I'd like to come here too.'

‘Why?'

‘Oh, I don't know,' Justin said. ‘This is the station I came to when I first came to London.'

‘So?'

‘I'd just got off the train,' Justin said. ‘And I was standing over there with my suitcase in my hand, wondering which way to go, what to do next. And then this well-dressed guy – all silk suit and handmade shoes – came up and started to chat. Was anyone meeting me? Did I have anywhere to stay? That sort of thing.' Justin stood with his hands in his pockets, and he looked at the station concourse like it was a picture someone painted. He said, ‘This guy took me in a taxi to Shepherds Market. I'd never been in a taxi before. I'd never been in London before. As a matter of fact, I'd never been anywhere alone before.'

He stopped looking dreamy and smiled. ‘Oh well,' he said, ‘it could've been a lot worse. At least he was clean and fairly normal. You wouldn't believe some of the things I've heard since.'

‘Yes, I would,' I said.

‘He's dead now,' Justin said. ‘Let's go, shall we? I'm getting the shakes, thinking about it.'

So we went. I wanted to go anyway. I was afraid Justin was
going to tell me how his young life got knocked pear-shaped. And I didn't want to know. Somewhere between the ages of nought and eighteen
everyone
's life goes pear-shaped. I don't need the details.

Justin said, ‘I'm surprised you're so upset. I didn't think a thing like last night would upset you.'

‘Whadya mean, upset?' I said. ‘I ain't upset.'

‘The violence,' he said. ‘I thought that was your stock in trade.'

‘Takes more than a little bam-a-lam to upset me,' I told him.

‘That's what Crystal said. But maybe she's wrong for once.'

I just kept walking. If he thought Crystal was only wrong once he was a bigger melon than even I thought. As far as I was concerned Crystal was wrong every time she came out of the water to breathe.

‘Don't look like that,' he said.

‘Like what?'

‘Like you kill kittens for fun. Crystal's been good to me. She looks after me. I owe her.'

‘Buy a brain!' I said. ‘That's what she wants you to think. You're just another mark. She wants you for something – only you don't know what it is yet.'

‘Yes I do,' he said. ‘She's lonely, she's sad and she's frightened. We need each other.'

‘Wait while I get me violin out,' I said, and I started running.

‘Don't go,' he said. So I stopped. I don't like running, and I sodding loathe running on an empty stomach.

‘All right,' I said, ‘only don't talk to me about Crystal. My whole life got gangrene since she showed up.'

So we walked down to the Embankment. I found a van selling hot dogs, and I bought a few which made me feel better. And Justin kept his trap shut till I'd eaten which was a good thing too. He didn't want a hot dog and he spent the time kicking a stone around like it was a football, and that made me remember he was
only a kid. Which was weird – he didn't talk like a kid and he didn't cook like a kid.

He waited till I'd stuffed the last crumb in my gob and then he said, ‘Queenie died, you know.'

‘Who?'

‘My dog.'

‘Oh, right,' I said. And that explained why his eyes were all pink around the edges. I was afraid it'd been something to do with Crystal, but anyone can understand a bloke being cut up about his dog. That's the way it should be.

He said, ‘I wanted to ask you about her puppies.'

‘What?'

‘The vet won't keep them any longer, and I've got to collect them.'

‘So?'

‘Well, they're newborn,' he said. ‘I don't know what to do.'

‘Oh,' I said. ‘You got to feed 'em and keep 'em warm just like Queenie would of.'

‘Oh,' he said, like he never thought of it. ‘But what do I feed them on?'

‘Milk,' I said. ‘There's stuff you can get like bitch milk. But you'll have to bottle feed 'em. They'll be too small to gnaw a bone.'

‘This bitch milk,' he said, ‘is it expensive?'

‘How should I know?' I said. ‘I always got my dogs full grown.' I knew, I just fuckin'
knew
, he was going to ask me to help, so I said, ‘Has anyone been to see Stef?' Which was really stupid. I didn't want to know about Stef. I didn't want to know about anyone.

‘You could go and see her yourself,' Justin said. ‘She's right here.'

‘Where?'

‘St Thomas's,' he said.

And I looked. Sometimes, see, I don't bother about what's around. I know where
I
am. But Justin was right. We were on the Embankment, a stone's throw from Waterloo, with St Thomas's right behind. If I'd of known that I'd of walked in the opposite direction.

‘The funny thing is,' Justin said, ‘the man who hurt her, the one who got his face cut, is here too.'

‘Stoat?' I said. ‘Wasn't my fault. It was you gave me the knife, and Mandy clattered him with her handbag.'

‘You knew him?'

‘Do me a favour!' I said. ‘Would I know a deformed pile of parts like that? He tried to talk to me in the street once.'

‘What did he want?' Justin asked. And I looked at him. He still had his hands in his pockets, and the wind from the river was blowing his curls around like an angel's halo. But his face had gone white and tight.

‘What did he want?' Justin asked again.

‘Dunno,' I said. ‘Something about taking over half the gym.'

‘The gym?'

‘But I soon told him where to stuff his partnership.'

‘Oh Christ,' Justin said. ‘Why didn't you tell us?'

‘Tell who?' I said. ‘Tell who what?'

‘About him wanting a partnership.'

‘Why should I? He wasn't horning in on my gym.'

‘Oh Eva,' Justin said. ‘It wasn't the gym he wanted. It was the women. He thought they were paying you for protection and he wanted half.'

‘He what?' I said. ‘The dirty stinking bastard – he thought I was a whores' minder?'

‘I suppose he must have.'

‘How do you know?'

‘Because Bella talked to Stef and Mandy. Stef couldn't say much – she could hardly talk. But Mandy was there, remember, with her friend. And Mandy said.'

‘What did Mandy say?'

‘She said that he and the other man did what they did to Stef to prove that the women needed their protection. Mandy said they kept shouting, “You work for us or you don't work at all.”'

I looked up at St Thomas's – all the glass, all the concrete. Stoat was in there somewhere. And Stef.

Justin said, ‘You should've cut his throat.'

I said nothing. What could I say? I didn't even know what to think. If the polizei found out they'd blame me for slicing his face. And here was Justin blaming me for not slicing his throat. Buggered every which way. And me not knowing which end was up.

There was only one thing to do. A rhyme came into my head – if you're in doubt, get the fuck out. I was quite pleased with it because it saved me from thinking other thoughts. If you're in doubt, get the fuck out. If you're in doubt …

I started off up the Embankment. I was going back home to the Static, back to Ramses and Lineker who didn't lie to me and didn't try to get me to do things I didn't want to do. I was going back to Sam's Gym and I was going to heave those weights till the sweat poured off me. I was going to sweat. Till all the poison poured out of me like a filthy river.

St Thomas's, Stoat and Stef. Bella, Mandy, Justin, and Crystal – most specially Crystal – could all crumble into the Thames and float out to sea with the rest of the sewage. I didn't want to know.

So I started off, and I was stepping out nicely when Justin hopped round in front of me saying, ‘No … wait, Eva, you don't understand.'

‘No,' I said, striding on,
‘you
don't understand.' And I walked right through him.

But up he popped again right under my nose.

‘Wait, Eva,' he said. ‘It's Dawn. You haven't got it yet. The men who hurt Stef killed Dawn.'

I kept going. Buzz-buzz-buzz, he went. He was a fly on sugar, buzz-buzz.

Justin went, ‘Eva, please. Think about it. Two men took Dawn out of the Full Moon. Two men hurt Stef. Crystal says it's the same two. She says they want all the women in Mandala Street working for them or giving them a cut. Crystal says

Crystal says. Fucking Crystal says. Says, says, says. Buzz-buzz-buzz. In my face. In my ears. Up my nose.

I swatted the fly.

Well, no. Not swatted exactly.

I nutted him.

It was his own fault – buzzing in my face like that.

It was only a little nut. But it hurt my forehead and it made him sit down a bit swiftish.

You can't blame me. A woman can only take so much.

But I was sorry. Soon as I done it, I was sorry. After all, he did cook a lovely steak and mushrooms for my dinner. It wasn't his fault I sicked it up after.

My eyes were watering but I squatted down to pick him up. It looked as if his eyes were watering too, and he had a bloody nose.

‘Oh Eva,' he said.

‘Get up,' I said. ‘You ain't hurt.'

But he sat there looking sick. I pulled the tail of my shirt out of my jeans to help mop the blood. But he pushed me away.

‘Don't get it on you,' he said. ‘I've got a handkerchief.'

‘Be like that,' I said. ‘I'm only trying to help.'

‘Thanks,' he said. ‘It's all right.' And he sat on the pavement mopping his nose till it stopped bleeding.

The funny thing was, although he didn't want my help, he didn't seem too pissed off with me. I'd of thrown him in the Thames if he'd put the nut on me. But he didn't seem that put out. Maybe he was used to people bopping him.

Well, that's the way of the world, ain't it? You got to get used to people bopping you when you're young and weak. Till you're all grown up and it's your turn to do the bopping.

What really hit me was how bad I felt about it. I don't often say this, because it doesn't happen much, but I felt I'd done something wrong.

'Cos Justin was such a harmless little git. He was pretty and he spoke nice. Well, more than spoke nice – he
was
nice. He never had a hard word to say about me. Everyone else does. But he didn't, and I wondered why I hadn't noticed before.

I s'pose he had been buzz-buzz-buzzing at me but that was Crystal's fault. He wasn't out to get me. He wasn't trying to make my life a misery like she was. So, really, when you think about it, I shouldn't have head-butted him.

I should have head-butted Crystal instead. But she's so little I'd have had to kneel down to do it.

I felt blue, and I wanted to borrow a car to take him home to Mandala Street. But he wouldn't let me. He said it was a risk in broad daylight. And he didn't want trouble with the polizei any more than me.

Nutting Justin made me feel sort of peaceful – peaceful but very blue and I couldn't understand it.

So I said, ‘You shouldn't of buzzed in my face.'

‘Yes,' he said, ‘I can see that.'

He was so understanding, I said, ‘I ain't killing no one for her.'

‘Who?'

‘What?'

‘Who aren't you killing?' he asked, but he knew what I meant.

‘Stoat,' I said. ‘Crystal says I promised. But I never.'

We were walking slowly because he was still wobbly.

‘It's all balled up,' I said. ‘Everything. I ain't got me own routine no more.'

And I told him about training, and fighting, and the yard, and the dogs.

‘It's my life the way I
made
it,' I said. ‘But everybody, 'specially Crystal, screwed it up. Taking advantage of my sunny nature, see. I want to be heavyweight champion. I got a life. I got ambitions. I ain't topping no Stoat for Crystal.'

I couldn't explain and I was beginning to feel all prickles and aches again.

‘I can't top no one,' I said. ‘It'd put me right back where I started. I've come a long way from where I started. You don't understand.'

‘It's okay,'Justin said. ‘I do understand.'

And maybe he was talking for true.

He said, ‘Perhaps Crystal didn't realise you had so much to lose.'

‘Not much to lose!' I said. ‘I got everything to lose.'

‘I know that,' he said.

‘Everyone's got something to lose.'

‘Well,' he said, ‘nearly everyone. I'll talk to her, shall I?'

‘Yeah,' I said. ‘You talk to her.'