Moon Awakening (16 page)

"Would you? Is it perhaps less onerous to suffer touching me than to suffer my touch?"

She gasped and swung around to face him. No expression showed on his face, but his eyes were alive with something that made her melt deep down inside.

Her gaze locked with his. "I did not mean to imply this morning that I did not enjoy your touch."

"You did not imply anything. You said it outright." Crossing his arms over the bulging muscles of his chest, he leaned back against the wall, his stance relaxed.

"But I did not mean it that way."

One brow rose in lazy query. "What other way could you mean it?"

She crossed the room to stand in front of him and wiped at a smear of dirt on one of his cheeks. Her body reacted instantly to his nearness, but she continued what she was doing. "I was worried about my friend and hurt that you did not care how worried I was, that you were more interested in finding pleasure in my body than helping me to allay my fears."

"You consider it my responsibility to allay your fears?"

"When you can… yes." She bit her lip as she dabbed at the cut on his chest. It was not deep and the blood had already dried.

"Was Sean so considerate of your feelings?"

"I rarely shared my fears with him. The situation did not arise."

"Do you mean to tell me that this paragon of husbandly virtue and you were not as close as you implied this morning?"

"No."

"So you were not true-mated?"

She finished cleaning his chest and began wiping at the dirt on his arms. "No."

"Odd. I got the impression this morning that he was an impossible ideal to live up to."

"You are a Balmoral wolf. You do not believe that of any man."

"Don't I?"

She laughed, the sound husky and constrained from the feelings rioting through her as she touched his body with what should have been pure innocence. "No, you don't. You are even more arrogant than my brother."

He uncrossed his arms and settled his hands on her waist. "Is that a complaint?"

She licked her lips, her hand stilling in its task. "No."

"I did not intend to embarrass you in front of my mother."

"I know our marriage came about because of unusual circumstances, but it is still a marriage and it is important to me that she likes me."

"She already thinks you are wonderful."

Cait was not sure that was true, but it was kind of him to say. "Thank you."

"You were hurt when I said I wanted to go back to bed this morning?"

"Yes."

"I did not dismiss your worries. I told you that Lachlan would not harm the Englishwoman."

And he had expected her to believe him without a further word on the subject. She sighed. "I needed more. I needed to see her, to assure myself that was the case."

"And when you saw her, was Emily well?"

"Yes. Very well. Lachlan is truly teaching her to swim."

"Your fears were groundless. You should have trusted me."

"How could I know that?"

"I am your husband."

"What does that signify? I do not mean anything to you… not personally. I am just a means to an end. Your laird wanted vengeance for a perceived insult and keeping me was the way he chose to get it." She tried to tug away from Drustan's hold, but he would not let her go.

"I am the one keeping you and I have as much right to vengeance on the Sinclairs as Lachlan does."

"Which makes you my captor, not my husband, and I am nothing more than
your
instrument of revenge as well as the laird's."

"I am your husband," Drustan grated down at her.

She sighed, knowing he spoke the truth. For better or for worse, he was the man she would be mated to for a lifetime. "Yes, you are my husband. By the laws of the Church," she couldn't resist adding on.

"By your own vow and admission last night."

She refused to acknowledge that thrust. "But I am not someone you care for, am I?"

"Do you want me to care for you?"

"What woman wouldn't? I am your wife, after all. We have many years ahead to be together."

"You did not confide in Sean, but did he care for you?"

She really did not know. If he had, he had never said so. "He was considerate of me."

"And I am not?"

"You dismissed my concerns for Emily as if they did not matter."

"I told you they were groundless. Even knowing that, I agreed to speak with Lachlan at the nooning meal when I had at first planned not to leave our quarters until tomorrow at the earliest. That is not dismissing your concerns."

"But—"

"You have no patience."

"I was afraid for Emily, can't you understand that?"

"If you trusted me, you would have no fear."

"How can I trust you?"

"I am your husband," he repeated, as if that single fact alone should set all her fears at rest.

"Because of vengeance."

"Does it matter why we married? You are now my wife. Not some woman who warms my bed when the occasion suits me. You will bear my children and be my companion into our old age."

"I want to trust you," she admitted. It would be so much easier if she could be certain her feelings and desires mattered to him, that he would act in her best interests.

"Then do."

"It is not that easy."

"It is if you let it be."

"You may end up killing my brother."

"Only if he declares war or tries to take you from me."

Which was no comfort at all. Both circumstances were all too likely. "What about my baby?"

One of Drustan's hands slid around to her stomach and settled possessively over the babe. "What about it?"

"Talorc will want it for the Sinclairs."

Drustan's face twisted with disgust. "It is wrong to separate a mother from her child."

"He won't care." She loved her brother, but Talorc could be single-minded to the point of pain at times. "Sean was Chrechte, the baby will be Chrechte."

"I will not let Talorc take the bairn."

She was equally comforted and frightened by the promise. "I don't want war."

"It is the way of our people."

"And we almost died out because of it. It is not the right way, Drustan."

"Would you have me dismiss an insult? Would you prefer I gave the babe over to your brother? Will you only be content when the Balmorals are crashed under the Sinclairs' heels?"

"No!"

Then what do you bloody want, damn it?

Cait heard the words in a shout loud enough to fell a pine tree, but Drustan's lips had not moved.

Did you just speak in my mind?
she asked with her thoughts directed at him.

His green eyes widened and then narrowed.
Not intentionally. What did you hear?

"I heard you yell,
Then what do you bloody want, damn it?
" she said out loud. "Only it was inside my head."

His hand lifted to touch her face almost reverently. "We are true-mated."

Cait shook her head, unable to believe it. They could not be true mates. Not after only one night… not when their marriage had been the result of his desire for revenge against her former clan. Cold gripped her and she shivered, feeling woozy. The room grew very dark and Drustan's face swam before her eyes.

She woke lying on their bed with Drustan leaning over her.

He smiled, but his gaze was narrowed with concern. "I do not believe I have heard of a femwolf fainting from the news her husband was her sacred mate before."

Her heart squeezed at the ancient term. "But… isn't it impossible?" It had to be impossible.

"Why? Because you are a Sinclair and I am a Balmoral? We are both Chrechte."

She'd always thought that being a true mate would include loving her mate. Did it? Her feelings where he was concerned confused her. And what about him… did Drustan feel more than lust for her? He said he wanted her trust. Was that mere male posturing, or an expression of a deeper need he had not yet put into words? Or was true-mating as basic as going into heat? A very physical thing that she had always believed was more than physical.

"I don't know," she said finally.

"You were not true-mated with Sean." He sounded very pleased by that fact.

"No, of course not. I already told you, but how could I be and be true-mated to you anyway?"

He brushed her hair back from her face. "I have heard of Chrechte being blessed with more than one true mate in their lifetime."

"Is it a blessing… for you?"

"Yes. No matter why we mated, I want our marriage to be strong. I want you to be happy, Cait."

"You do?" Had Sean wanted her to be happy? She'd always had the impression that her brother's gratification was more important than her own to her first husband.

"Yes."

"Oh. That's nice."

Drustan smiled. "You are still a little befuddled by your faint, aren't you? It must be a pregnancy thing."

"I suppose."

"What about me?"

"What about you?"

"Do you want me to be happy, too?"

His happiness should not matter to her. She had not wed him by choice or by duty, but because of coercion. That was why she found it so peculiar that he wanted her to be content in their marriage. Her feelings did matter to him, if only just a little, but she did not understand why.

Unless it was his duty as a husband prompting him to be solicitous.

Regardless of why he felt as he did, she, too, cared if he was satisfied with her as his mate. Very much. "Yes, I want you to be happy."

"Then we will be."

"I will not be happy if you kill my brother," she warned.

His glare was ferocious enough to make her flinch. "Do not try to use our bond to manipulate me. I will do what I must do as a warrior."

"So, you lied?" she asked, trying to get away from the circle of his arms without success. "You only want me to be happy if it means you doing what you want?"

"A warrior does not always have the luxury of doing what he wants… he does what he must."

"But if you would just talk to Talorc, instead of fighting him… you would find out that there is no reason for war between our clans."

"I do not think he would agree."

"The babe is not born yet. God willing, we will have arrived at an agreement that will not tear my heart out before that, but that is not the immediate issue."

Drustan sighed and rolled onto his back. "Lachlan would never have given Susannah leave to hunt alone and my sister would not lie. Ever."

Perversely, she missed his surrounding warmth, but the implication of his words was even more chilling. "So, you are saying I am lying?"
I'm not
, she cried into his mind.

He rolled back toward her and pulled her close. "I do not wish to discuss this now."

She avoided his lips while her own ached for the contact. But this was too important to dismiss with physical need. "Because you don't want to admit that you are wrong, but just stop and think. What if Susannah went across the water believing it was her best hope for making it through the full moon unmated? Then she ends up mated to Magnus and she doesn't want him to think she is disloyal or disobedient, so she…"

"Lied? My sister is not such a weak woman."

"Please, Drustan, just consider the possibility."

He shook his head and kissed her, but she refused to respond. It was hard. Harder than anything she'd ever done, but she could not give herself to a man who thought she was a liar.

"What is the matter?" he demanded, lifting his head.

"You think I'm a liar."

He took a deep breath, his chest filling up and hard muscles pressing against her side. "I do not think you are a liar."

"But you do. Either Susannah is lying, or I am." Or Lachlan, but she thought Emily's point of view on that was sound. The man was too arrogant to think he needed to lie.

"I have known Susannah her whole life. She does not lie."

"And you have only known me two days and one night, but I don't lie either." Her heart was cracking in her chest and she didn't know why. She should be offended by his lack of trust, not hurt. What was the matter with her?

"Perhaps Magnus convinced my sister to tell the story."

"For what purpose? He is not so shy he would have balked at asking for her hand and since chances were she was pregnant, that request would have been granted… no matter how she came to be in his keeping."

"But if he took her, Lachlan might still have declared war."

"And convincing her to tell that lie to our people wouldn't have prevented that. No, he had no reason to request such a thing of her."

"So, you want me to denounce my sister as a liar?"

"No. I want you to talk to her… talk to Talorc. Please."

"How do you propose I do this?"

"You could go to the Sinclair holding in open parley."

"And I suppose you would expect me to take you along?"

"He might listen to me more readily than he would you, but no… not if you don't think it is best." She'd been dealing with prickly soldiers all her life. She knew when to push and when to retreat.

"And if I refuse, do you plan to deny me access to your body?"

"No."

"Prove it."

She did, letting go of all of her worries and embracing the pleasure she found in his arms. Emily thought she did not understand her decision to allow Lachlan to touch her, but Cait did. Too well. She needed the intimacy of two bodies coming together with her husband. She needed to feel connected to him, even if it was an illusion.

But how much of an illusion… when they were sacred mates?

Once again, Lachlan insisted on Emily sitting by his side for the evening meal. Cait and Drustan were absent, so Ulf sat on the other side of the laird and monopolized Lachlan's attention. Emily could not be sure the soldier cut her out of the conversation on purpose, but she suspected that was the case. Ulf really did not like her.

He might be Lachlan's brother, but she wasn't overly fond of him either.

She picked at her food, her attention on the warriors in the hall. Angus was Chrechte. So was Lachlan, but she didn't know about any others. It was easier to watch Angus and look for differences in his demeanor than to watch the laird by her side, but Emily tried to do it covertly.

"Why do you keep looking at my soldier, English?"

So much for subtlety. "Was I?"

"Maybe she prefers his company," Ulf said from the other side of Lachlan.

Emily frowned at him. The man was a troublemaker and that was that.

Lachlan looked down at her. "Is it true? Would you rather sit at his table?" He didn't sound particularly worried by the possibility, but he did look puzzled.

"Would it matter if I did?" He certainly hadn't hesitated to insist she leave Angus's table to join him at the nooning meal.

"No."

Just as she'd thought. "So, why bother to ask?"

"I want to know."

Ulf made a disparaging sound.

Emily leaned around Lachlan to give his brother a good glare. "Must you always be so rude?"

He surged to his feet and the look he gave her and then his brother made Emily's glare feel like a smile. "I suppose you expect me to tolerate this insult as well?"

"If you find truth such an insult, perhaps you should change your behavior so you cannot be called to account for it," she said before Lachlan could open his mouth.

"Are all English women so sharp-tongued?" Lachlan asked while his brother spluttered more displeasure.

Emily's face heated, embarrassed by the accusation inherent in his words. "No. My stepmother would be appalled at my plain-speaking." But what bothered her most was knowing Lachlan had the same opinion. How long before he started to see her as an unpleasant nuisance just as Sybil had done? Or did he already? She sighed and met Ulf's glowering gaze. "I am sorry that my words caused offense."

He did not acknowledge her apology, but he did return to his seat and proceeded to eat with gusto.

Upset by the confrontation, Emily gave up trying to eat altogether. She let her gaze flit around the great hall, lighting on first one soldier then another. The only place she did not allow it to go was to the man beside her. She did not want to see the same look of disgust on his face that so often marked Sybil's countenance when she talked to Emily. Just as painful would be to see that he was ignoring her altogether.

By not glancing at him, she could avoid both possibilities.

"If I did not know better, I would think you were spying on my men with the intent to report to the Sinclair." Amusement laced Lachlan's voice.

Emily could not dredge up a corresponding smile as she forced herself to meet his gaze. "I am a captive, not a spy."

"Certainly you would find reporting your discoveries to Talorc a great challenge."

Thinking it would be all too easy to go back to the lake and talk to the wolf as Cait had done, Emily choked on the wine she'd been trying to drink.

Lachlan's eyes narrowed as the man to Emily's left started pounding her back. She coughed and then wheezed in a great breath of air before turning to thank the soldier.

She turned back to Lachlan to find him staring at her speculatively. "You are innocent. You are not mated to him, I am sure of it. You cannot be his spy."

"Do we have to have this discussion here?"

"You are skittish for a woman with a tongue as plain-spoken as yours."

"I may not be as much of a lady as my stepmother would have liked, but I am not totally lacking in decorum. And I do not wish to discuss my most personal business in front of your soldiers."

"What is your preoccupation with my soldiers?" he demanded.

She could hardly tell him she was trying to figure out if some of them really were werewolves. "I'm curious about the Balmoral people. That is all."

"You spent a great deal of time in the bailey today."

She was not surprised he knew how she'd spent her day. He was the kind of man who would keep a close watch over all things to do with his holding, but especially an English captive. "It was a pleasure meeting so many of the clan. You were right. No one but Ulf treats me like the enemy."

"He is fiercely protective of the clan."

"And I insulted you."

"Yes."

"Oh." She couldn't apologize when she still thought it was wrong for them to have sought their revenge in kidnapping an innocent woman. She and Ulf were simply not destined to be friends, but at least the rest of the clan was nice to her.

"Angus does not hold my words against me."

Lachlan frowned. "You have a high opinion of my soldier."

She shrugged. "He has been kind."

"As you feel Ulf and I have not been."

"I did not mean that. Indeed, your desire to teach me to swim is kindness itself."

"I am not a kind man, English."

She did not agree, but she saw that if she argued, he would be insulted. Contrary man. First he was insulted because she thought Angus was kind and not him, and then it annoyed him that she believed he was compassionate. "I appreciate your generosity all the same."

"You were not afraid when you went to the loch with Cait?"

That was not a part of her day she wanted to discuss. "No, but being near the water is not what scares me. I just never go in very deep… or I didn't before this morning."

"Why did you go? I did not give permission for you two to venture outside the castle walls."

"You gave us permission to explore the holding… it stretches beyond the walls. And Cait wanted to see the lake."

He gave her an odd look. "It is not safe for you to go to the loch unaccompanied."

"Cait and I were together."

"With no warrior to guard you."

"But we did not need one. The lake is close to many of the cottages."

"Just as you did not need a guard when you ventured outside the Sinclair castle walls?"

"We had a guard, but your warriors overpowered him."

"I would not be so easy to overpower."

She did not doubt it. "But since we've already been kidnapped, what else could happen to us?" she asked logically.

"There are wild animals and, pregnant, Cait has no defense against them."

"W-wild animals?" she asked, thinking of Talorc and hoping it did not show on her face.

"Wild boar… and wolves." Was he looking at her more keenly when he said that word? Or was that her imagination?

"Oh."

"I do not want you going to the loch without me again."

"All right."

His brows came together in obvious puzzlement. "I expected an argument."

"Did you?"

"Yes."

"Perhaps I am not as difficult as you believe."

"Mayhap you have another reason for being so acquiescent. You have already decided I am right."

Or she did not want to argue and betray what she had seen.

"Did you see any wild animals while you were at the loch today?" he asked, his dark gaze probing.

"Only if you consider a laird a wild animal," she sidestepped, not wanting to lie and hoping he would assume she was talking about him.

"Sometimes that is exactly what a laird is."

After Cait's revelations, Lachlan's words hit Emily with the force of a blow. She would drive herself daft trying to determine if everything he said had more than one meaning, but she could not dismiss his intensity when he uttered those words.

Ulf claimed Lachlan's attention again and soon Emily excused herself to go back to the tower. She had had an exhausting day and she intended to go to sleep early, but found herself strangely alert after brushing her hair and taking care of her other nightly ablutions. It was as if the air crackled with magical energy and she could not settle down to rest.

Donning her clothes again, she decided to go back to the great hall. The night had grown cold and maybe a fire had been built. She'd always found staring into the fire made her sleepy. At the very least, climbing the long spiraling staircase down and up again should tire her out sufficiently to rest.

When she reached the great hall, it was empty but for Ulf and Lachlan. They were arguing and did not notice her. She did not want to interrupt them, but she also didn't want to go back up the stairs so soon.

Perhaps if she waited in the shadows, they would leave and she could sit beside the fire that had indeed been built in the huge fireplace on the other side of the hall. She looked at it longingly as the cold from the stone wall she leaned against seeped into her bones.

Shivering, she sidled sideways, hoping to make it to the fireplace without being noticed. She stayed in the shadows and was as quiet as possible. Not that the two angry men were likely to notice her regardless.

"You do not believe the Sinclair means to do nothing in retaliation?" Ulf demanded sneeringly.

If she were Lachlan, she'd get plenty annoyed with the way his brother always questioned him and did it so provokingly.

"You do not think he believes I was right in gaining restitution through his sister?" Lachlan asked mildly.

"No. He plans war. I am sure of it."

"But our spies have seen no evidence of this."

"He is cunning."

"And you do not think I am equally cunning?" Lachlan asked.

"Not if you are so easily deceived."

"And if I have not been deceived?"

Ulf made that annoying snorting noise of his and Emily stopped her approach to the fire to glare at him. He, of course, did not notice. He didn't even know she was there.

"I say attack before we are attacked."

The words appalled Emily and it was all she could do not to shout a denial. Did the man truly not care how many Balmorals or Sinclairs died over this business?

Lachlan looked past Ulf, and Emily felt as if he were looking directly at her. But that could not be possible. She was in a very dark corner behind one of the stone arches supporting the ceiling of the room.

He said, "I chose a different form of retribution than war."

"It is not enough. We should take Susannah back and kill the blacksmith."

Emily's hand flew to her mouth.

Lachlan frowned. "You are bloodthirsty, Ulf."

"I am my father's son… can the same be said of you?"

Instead of being furious, as Emily would have expected, Lachlan looked exasperated. "What would you have me do? Siege the castle?"

"Lead a raiding party over the walls. Effect your vengeance and leave."

"I rejected that suggestion the first time you made it."

"Because you prefer to avoid bloodshed?" Ulf spat.

"Because it is a stupid form of revenge and I liked my plan better." This time his voice was chilling and Emily thought Lachlan's patience had finally been exhausted.

She continued on her journey toward the fireplace, but realized she could not get as close to it as she wanted without revealing herself. Still, some of its heat reached her where she hung back in the shadows.

"You dare to call me stupid?"

"It was your plan I said was stupid, but I ask you now… do you dare to challenge me?"

Ulf's jaw clenched, but he did not answer.

The air inside the great hall crackled and seethed with potential violence.

Emily crowded back into her hidden nook, hoping Ulf would not be
that
stupid. She agreed with Lachlan; his brother's suggestion for revenge was both stupid and horrible. It gained nothing but pain for either clan. Hearing the other option made Emily glad Lachlan had chosen the path he had taken.

Realizing the alternative, she could finally see that his choice to use Cait to effect the redress was not a matter of taking his anger out on an innocent woman. It was, in fact, his solution to a problem that would otherwise have resulted in bloodshed and much grief.

Cait and she were both better off among the Balmoral. Emily could admit that. Cait was either very close to being, or was already in love with her husband, and Emily grew nauseated at the thought of allowing Talorc to touch her the way Lachlan had done. From what Cait said, Susannah was very happy with Magnus. She would be devastated if he were killed by her former clan.

Lachlan had made a choice that embraced life rather than undervalued it. She did not know if her own father would have been as wise. Ulf certainly was not.

Neither he nor Lachlan had moved for the past several seconds. Emily held her breath in anticipation of what would come next.

Lachlan's hands settled on his hips and he seemed to tower over his brother even though they were close in height. "Show throat or fetch your sword."

"Wolves show throat; I am human."

Emily bit her lip.

"You are Chrechte. You are my brother."

Ulf gave a single jerk of his head and then tilted it sideways, exposing his throat.

Lachlan said something Emily did not understand. It did not sound Gaelic to her. Ulf replied, his words just as incomprehensible, spun on his heel and left the great hall.

Emily silently let out the breath she'd been holding and realized she was shaking violently.

Lachlan looked toward where she hid. "Come here, English."

And in that moment she knew Cait had told the truth, about everything. Ulf had not known she was there, she was sure of it, but Lachlan had known even though he had pretended not to notice. When she had thought he was looking at her, he had been. But most convincing of all was his demand that Ulf show throat. It was not a human tradition and yet it had placated him in the face of terrible fury.

Her father would have demanded a soldier kneel at his feet. Even then, he might have beaten him for his insubordination.

Knowing that she had no hope of hiding, she stepped into the glow cast by the candles lighting the hall. "Why didn't you say something?"