Moonshine (12 page)

18

Shine

              It was my first group therapy session and I was hoping I would get to do a one on one with the doctor before I had to attend a group. There were two couches and a love seat, and six of us in the group. I would only feel comfortable next to Bradley, and he made sure that I wasn’t next to anyone but him. We sat on the couch against the farthest wall. He sat down in the middle and left room for me to sit next to him on the outside. There were three girls and three boys in this group. No one looked happy to be there and no one stood out to me as far as looks. Except for maybe Bradley, the boy dresses nicer than any guy I have ever met.

             
The doctor took his seat in the rolling chair at the front of the room. He was a tall man with dark hair and dark thick eyebrows. I could tell that he had some kind of different ethnicity in him somewhere. All the hair that covered his body was very dark as well as his eyes, or at least they seemed to be under his coke bottle eyeglasses. He wore khaki pants that rose up to his knees when he sat down, and it showed his mismatched diamond pattern socks. He cleared his throat twice before he spoke.

             
“Good morning everybody, I’m glad to see everyone is here in one piece this morning. I can tell that you all are so excited to be here.” Wow! This guy was unquestionably a morning person, and don’t get me started on that sarcasm. Without missing a beat he continued on. “Today we have a new face amongst us, Shine Craven. Very nice to see you with us today, Shine. Don’t let anyone here freak you out. They may look like a scary mob, but I have seen them when they brush their hair and they are a good looking group.” A few people laughed and I smiled.

             
“See, I’m not so bad. Today we are going to start from where we left off yesterday. I will not expect you to speak today.” He was looking directly at me as he spoke. “You will just observe how this works until you feel comfortable enough to join in.” I nodded.

             
“Okay… So yesterday I asked everyone to tell me in one word how you feel others perceive you. I also asked that that one word be the one that hurts the most. The word you feel that sets you apart from others. This must be the word that the people you call friends would use to describe you behind your back. You were able to sleep on this and think about it last night. I am curious to know what you’ve all came up with. We will start on this side of the room and go right down the line.”

             
The first girl used the word Junkie. She agreed that she did have a drug problem, but that Junkie was the word that hurt her the most. From looking at each of them I would not use the words that they chose. Of course, I only knew them from a glance, and I had no right to pass judgment “even if I wanted to.”  The next few words were equally as hurtful. After Junkie I heard the words, Skank, Worthless, and Easy. When they stopped on Bradley, I was curious. Who would say something hurtful to that gorgeous face? He has it all, good looks, obviously money from the way he dressed, and he was so funny.

             
When it was his turn to speak, he looked straight ahead. “Fag,” he said loudly. “That word hurts the worst. Being gay is hard enough. I don’t like that label.”

             
He’s gay. How did I not know that he was gay? I’m pretty sure that I would notice something like that. No one else seemed to be as shocked as I was. The doctor nodded and everyone else acted like it was no big thing. I mean I guess it is no big thing, but I had been worried about him touching me. This makes a big difference. He finally turned to look at me and it was most likely because I was staring. I didn’t want to. I just couldn’t help it. I was trying to put the pieces together in my head. I hadn’t known very many people who were gay, or at least not that I know of. He wasn’t any different than the boys I would hang out with at school. The only difference was that he dressed better, but that wasn’t a red flag. I asked myself if it bothered me, and the answer was no. I didn’t care that he was gay and I would never use that word to describe him. One of these days when I feel comfortable enough I’ll him that he isn’t different. I’ll him that the one word I would use to describe him is friend. Even if the words hot and gorgeous pop into my head.

             
I smiled at him briefly, but he looked so sad. He was hurting and I did the one thing that I could think of to make it better. I took his hand. As hard as it was for me, I owed him as much. He had been there for me with no questions asked. It was the least that I could do. I squeezed his hand hard. I’m not sure if it was to reassure him or to keep control of myself. It was the perfect gesture because his face relaxed and he looked at me with a knowing look. Then he brushed his thumb lightly over my hand and we sat like that for the rest of the session. It was nice.

             
Immediately after class I had to meet with the doctor for my single session. Bradley said that he would save me a seat at lunch and I waved him goodbye.

             
Doctor Norman Greene was the name on the gold plate hanging outside of his office. I’d heard them address him in group as Doctor G and I wondered what his real name was. I knocked on the door and he called for me to enter. It looked exactly how I thought it would. The space was small and held several shelves that were filled floor to ceiling with books. There was also a couch. I have never been inside of a physiatrist’s office, but I assumed couches were a necessity.

             
“Come on in and have a seat. We will get started just as soon as I put away this stack of papers. I promise you that in my brain I am organized. Don’t judge me by my desk.” He stepped out from behind his desk and took his seat in the arm chair in front of the couch. He had his legal pad in hand. “All right now. You can have a seat right here on the couch.”

             
When I took my spot he got right to the subject. He was so fast I didn’t even have time to blink.

             
“You are here with us because you tried to commit suicide and you failed. Actually, if I’m reading this correctly you almost succeeded but were rescued by someone. Correct?”

             
“Yes.”

             
“Let’s start from the beginning. Tell me everything.”

             
“It started with the accident, but I don’t want to talk about the day. Ever.”

             
“At some point you’ll have to talk about it in order to heal. I promise you, it will get easier every time. I spoke with Gerry and she gave me the list of medication that you’re taking. I see that you’re taking something for anxiety and something to help you sleep per the hospital. What kind of pills were you taking at the time of your most recent incident?”

             
“I was on pain pills from my wreck, anxiety pills, and sleeping pills.”

             
“I see. How often are you suffering from the anxiety and do you have full blown attacks?’

             
“Yes. I have the attacks a lot, several times a day actually. The pills help me.”

             
“I will allow you to continue taking the pills for the anxiety until you can learn better how to control them yourself. If we do things right we can have you completely off your medications in the ninety days.”

             
I rolled my eyes.

             
“I saw that.” He tapped his pen on his notepad. “I’m serious. You can get better, if you want to. Now, let’s start talking. I know that it’ll be hard for you, but it’ll help. I won’t judge you. I won’t ask you to share every detail. Just tell me where all of this started.”

             
“I haven’t said it out loud to anyone, not even myself.”

             
“That’s fine. You don’t even have to say it now, but getting it off your chest will help your mind rest. Sometimes relieving the weight from your chest is a miracle worker all in itself.”

             
I took a deep breath. I would tell him. I could do this. I know he is right. I know that if I tell somebody I will feel better, but it’s hard. I have carried this secret with me for months. Alone.

             
“I can see that you’re getting upset. I can tell it in your body language. If you need to put up your feet, you can. That’s what the couch is for, and of course my naps. I’m pretty old you know. Sometimes I’m ready for bed around three in the afternoon.”

             
I knew what he was trying to do, and it was actually working. I propped my feet up onto the couch and it helped. This way I was facing away from him, and when I closed my eyes I could picture myself talking to Bradley instead. “It started a few months ago. I was raped by my best friend’s father at my school, and then when we were on our way home we wrecked. It was just me and him in the car. Me and Moon’s father, I mean. His father died right there in the seat next to me, and I lived. No one knows what he did to me, especially not my best friend Moon. Since then I haven’t been able to be around him. He has his father’s eyes.” I was choked up and barely talking.

             
“How long have the two of you been friends?”

             
“We met the summer before second grade. We have been best friends ever since.”

             
“I see, and what is your reasoning behind not telling him the truth.”

             
“I won’t tell him.”

             
“I’m not asking you too. I just want to know why. Why is it that you haven’t told him?”

             
“He won’t believe me. It’s his dad. I will lose my best friend forever.” I argued.

             
“And how long has it been since you have talked to this best friend? You said earlier that you haven’t been able to be around him?”

             
“Since the day I woke up in the hospital, I can’t bring myself to be near him.”

             
“Seems to me like you have already lost him then, correct?”

             
“I, well,” I stuttered with my words.

             
“In this situation you are losing him either way. It may not seem like it now because he is still close enough to reel back in his friendship, but if you keep pushing him away then you will lose him.”

             
“I don’t want to lose him forever, I love him.”

             
“You’re in love with him, or you love him as your best friend?” He was writing a million miles per minute on that notebook of his. I wondered if I had said the wrong thing. I guess there was no use in denying it now.

             
“I’m in love with him and I have been since we were kids.”

             
“Good, then you don’t want to lose him. I’m going to tell you like I tell all of my patients when they start this treatment. You have a long road ahead of you, and it won’t be easy. You will struggle today and every day. If it were easy then everyone would do it. I like for my patients to set a goal for themselves that they will have to master before they leave the facility. It’s sort of like your final exam. The truth will set you free, my girl. This will be your final exam.”

             
“Wait, I thought you said the patient sets the goal.”

             
“Normally yes, but this will be perfect for you.”

             
“I don’t want to. I will never be ready for that. I can’t even look him in the eyes.”

             
“I know, but you will.”

             
“I won’t.”

             
“Trust me. Now our time is up for the day, but this will give you something to think about for next week. We will meet the same time and day next week.”

             
I let out a frustrated sigh. Who the hell does he think he is? I swear I’d like to wipe that happy grin off his smug little face.

             
I tried to spend the rest of the evening alone in solitude in my room. I wanted to skip eating and people all together. I should have known that wouldn’t last. The knock on my door came way too soon and I wasn’t ready to open up to the outside world just yet.

19

Moon

             
A fucking F in French, go fucking figure. “My mom is going to go bat shit when she sees these grades.”

             
“Don’t sweat it man. We’ll figure it out.” Josh slapped my back.

             
“Oh really, can you speak French?”

             
“Wee wee,” he said jokingly.             

             
“I’m fucking serious,” I tried not to laugh.

             
“I know. Surely there is someone in this school who can help. Why don’t you talk to the teacher and see if she can recommend someone to tutor you.”

             
“I’ll try. It can’t hurt, right? Maybe she will take pity on me. I have to graduate.”

             
“What is the plan after you graduate?”

             
“First I have to graduate.” I sighed.

             
“True that.” He held up his fist. I shook my head and punched his fist. I’m glad this boy always has my back. Right now I don’t know what I would do without him.

             
“Listen man, I’m gonna go and talk to Mrs. Vail and see if I can get any help. If I have to show this grade to Momma, I got to at least have a backup plan. You know?”

             
“All right, but don’t you have to work at your papaw’s tonight?”

             
“Naw, I told him I couldn’t help tonight. I have a letter to deliver and some homework to catch up on.”

             
“If you want me too, I will ride with you to take the letter. Then when we get back I will come home with you and eat some of your momma’s cookin. You know she loves me. Maybe I can help soften the blow of that big fat F you have to show her tonight.”

             
I was walking backwards down the hall shaking my head. “You know that just might work. Do you have practice?”

             
“Nope.”

             
“Sweet okay, meet me at my car in ten minutes.”

             
“Yep,” He nodded.

             
It took exactly three and half minutes for me to convince Mrs. Vail that my father’s death was the reason behind my horrible grade. She felt such pity for me that she nearly cried. I felt guilty for about two seconds or until I realized that I might possibly fail. Then anything resembling a conscious flew right out the window. Mrs. Vail hugged me and sent me home with loads of extra credit.
He shoots… And he scores.

***

              Josh and I loaded in the Mustang and set out for Cedar County. I had a letter to deliver. When I told Mrs. Gerry that I would write her every day, I meant it. It will be my own personal therapy.              

             
I took my time driving this time since I had company, and I knew what to expect when I got there. Josh didn’t waste time on grilling me about the future. I swear sometimes he is too damn responsible for his own good. He thinks just because he has a plan, that we all should.

             
“I know that you don’t know what you want to do when you graduate, but you gotta figure something out. You need some kind of plan.” Josh had a point. 

             
“I know, and I’ll come up with something. I don’t have the grades to get in to some big university. I probably don’t even have the grades to get into Community College, but I will figure something out. I have been saving my money that I have earned from working on the farm, and I had planned on moving out after graduation. Papaw said that I could work for him as long as I wanted or needed. His back has really had him down lately and he could always use the help. So my plan for now is to continue what I’m doing, until a new and exciting plan takes its place.”

             
“That’s fucking brilliant, man. You tell your momma what you told me and she will be sold.”

             
“It’s not some genius plan bro.”

             
“I know it ain’t. You are expecting me to bust your balls because you’re not going to college, but I don’t give a shit about that. I just wanted you to have a plan. For months you have been dragging your ass around looking like a lost puppy. I was about ready to beat some sense into you, but lately you been different. Something in that head of yours has gotten your mind thinking solid. Whatever it is, I’m glad.” He patted my shoulder.

             
He had no idea what it was, but I did. She is my life support and without her I can’t breathe. She is the only person that has ever given me hope, and with these letters I feel like luck was finally on my side

20

Shine

             
Much to my surprise it was Bradley on the other side of my door, and he had supper.             

             
“Am I in trouble?” I asked

             
“You are gonna be if you don’t let me in the door. This shit is heavy.”

             
I scooted way over and let him by, and he came right in carrying a tray that was loaded down with food. I wasn’t planning on eating, let alone a gorilla size amount. He brought enough to feed a horse.

             
“Don’t you worry; half of this is mine, Sunshine.”

             
“Sunshine?” I gave him a questioning look.

             
“Yeah about that, I figured that you needed a nickname. I like Shine but that’s what everybody calls you, and I’m not everybody. So I decided that since Sunshine is bright and warm and lights the way, that it seemed fitting.”

             
“I promise you that I’m not those things, but since we are giving nicknames what will I call you?”

             
“You have to think of something. My so-called friends at home all called me, Brad.” He continued separating the food on my bed, one pile for me and one for him.

             
“Then I won’t be calling you that.” He stopped what he was doing and looked up at me. There was the cutest grin on his face, and those dimples just sucked me in. “ I could call you dimples, cause I can’t seem to get enough of yours.” He smiled. “What is your full name?” I asked.

             
“Bradley Jonathan James.”

             
“Your initials are B.J.” We both started laughing.

             
“Fitting right?” I couldn’t stop laughing at him. It was just too hilarious.

             
“Well I will only call you B.J when I am angry with you. All the other times I’m calling you Johnny.”

             
He squinted his eyes at me and I thought maybe he was mad. “I like it,” he said. “Now come and eat, before it gets cold.”

             
I sat down on the edge of the bed. He had prepared for everything. There were toasted subs, chips, fruit, drinks, and even dessert. “How did you pull this off, and won’t we get in trouble for not eating with everyone else? Gerry said,” I started to say but he cut me off.

             
“Don’t worry about what Gerry said. There is always an exception to the rules somewhere, and since today was your first real day of therapy it’s the best reason ever. I explained how rough it was to experience Doctor G’s torturous field day on your brain and that you needed to be alone with your thoughts, and she bought it. She said for me to bring you some food and check on you, so I’m at your beckon call.”

             
“Why thank you, beck-and-call-boy. Shall I lavish you with expensive gifts and show you a good time?”

             
He spit his water all over me and the bed, he was laughing so hard. “I didn’t think you had it in you. You are funny, and I love Julia Roberts in that movie.”

             
“You’ve seen Pretty Woman?” I asked, taking a bite of my sandwich.

             
“I’m gay remember.”

             
“I forget.” We continued eating our meal and having light conversation. It was nice. I couldn’t believe all of the trouble he had went through to make sure I ate, and to make sure I was feeling better after my session. By far, it was the sweetest gesture ever. I cleaned up the mess and watched as he made himself all too comfortable on my bed. He had kicked of his shoes and roughed up the blanket before he lay back on my pillow. Just because we had established nicknames didn’t make it okay for him to be so comfortable.

             
“Are you comfortable, Johnny boy?”

             
“Why yes I am?” He raised his eyebrows up and down, which caused me to fidget more. I couldn’t even sit back down on the bed. “You little Sunshine, don’t look comfortable at all. You look like a deer in headlights,” he joked.

             
“I’m not comfortable. The fact that you are so damn comfortable makes me uncomfortable.”

             
“So you’re uncomfortable?” His laugh was loud and throaty.

             
“All right, wise ass.” I picked up the closest thing I could find and chucked it as his head. Good thing he ducked because that text book would have hurt.

             
“Damn girl. Remind me not to mess with you.”

             
“Ha, ha.”

             
“Listen, I have this plan, and truthfully I owe you one.”

             
“What are you talking about?” I was confused. He didn’t owe me anything. If anything it was me who owed him.

             
“Just hear me out, and you may want to sit down because I have a feeling what I’m going to say may freak you out a bit.”

             
“You’re scaring me, Johnny.”

             
“I love it when you call me, Johnny. It’s so sexy. Grrrrr,” he growled. Yes, he growled.

             
“Now you are really scaring me.”

             
“I’m kidding with you, Sunshine. Now sit your fine butt down because I really need to talk to you. I know you remember what I said about ripping of the band aid, so that is what I’m going to do.”

             
I sat down slowly because I wasn’t quite ready to be hit by the Johnny bus. The way he was bouncing around the room like an addict needing his fix, scared the pants off me. It’s always me that’s on edge. Me. He was always the rational one who had a handle. To see him like this made me wonder if he’d skipped his meds for the day.

             
“Okay, so here is my plan. I know something happened to you to make you afraid to be around men. Hell, you wouldn’t even let me shake your hand when we met. Being this close to you right now nearly breaks you out in hives. I get it. I haven’t questioned it or hounded you for answers. Frankly, it’s really not my business. When I read the letter that Moon gave to you, it did something to me. I could see it on your face and I can see it now that you love him. You are in love with that boy and before you can deny it, I got a plan to win his heart.”

             
“I don’t want to win his heart. You don’t understand. This isn’t about making him fall in love with me.”

             
“I know that. From the words in his letter it sounds like he already loves you anyway. You don’t need my help for that. Besides, this doesn’t even have to be about him. This is for you. Once you get better and get out of this hell hole don’t you want to be able to be at ease around men? In just a matter of days you have allowed me to touch you, and you have touched me as well. I promise that you can be healed. You just need my help.”

             
“I don’t know. This wasn’t what I thought you were going to say. You don’t owe me anything and even if you did I wouldn’t ask for this. It sounds scary and unnatural. It’s freaking ridiculous. Did you expect me to be okay with this? What exactly do you plan on doing with me, because there isn’t enough medication out there to just throw me at some poor defenseless boy?”

             
“That’s not what I had in mind. Seriously Shine, I didn’t bring this up because I wanted to hurt you. You have already helped me more than you know.”
              “Oh really. How?”

             
“You really don’t know do you?” Was he serious? Of course I don’t know. I shook my head in defeat.

             
“You are my only friend.”

             
“What?” I patted the bed next to me. I know right. I couldn’t believe it either. I invited him to sit down, next to me, on the bed. I was trying to take baby steps, but this felt like forty five year old steps. This boy has no idea how far I have come just being in his presence.