Moore Than Forever (3 page)

“He’s here now, Mia. Don’t doubt that he loves you and don’t for a minute think there was anything going on between him and CJ.”

Mia’s tears began to flow. Lois had touched a nerve that was so raw and exposed, years couldn’t bury or dull the pain.

“We don’t know that, Mom.”

“Yes, Sweetie, we do.” Lois released a little more milk onto Nathaniel’s lips. “Things weren’t good between them before, do you really think now that he knows what she did to the two of you, that she is suddenly going to become attractive to him? I think you are letting your imagination get the best of you.”

The syringe was empty and Mia put a burp pad on her shoulder. Lois handed Nathaniel back and Mia gently patted his back until a large burp escaped.

They laughed, “That was a manly burp,” Mia said to her son, kissing the tip of his nose.

“Look at those eyes,” Lois commented, marveling at her beautiful grandson.

Mia smiled, “They’re Schooner Blue.” Looking up at her mom, she asked, “Is he staying with you at the apartment?”

Lois shook her head no and more tears rolled down Mia’s cheeks.

“I see,” she whispered. “I’m going to stay here after Gary releases me. They have rooms onsite for family. This way I’ll be able to stay with him and feed him my milk once it comes in.”

Lois ached to tell her about the loft Schooner had bought for them, but knew she needed to stay out of it, as difficult as that might be.

Chapter Five

On day four Mia’s colostrum finally came in, and she cried as she fed Nathaniel the nutrient and antibody rich fluid from her body. The thick yellow liquid almost seemed symbolic to Mia, cementing the bond she was forming with her tiny son. She and Schooner had not crossed paths again, although she heard from everyone that he was constantly at the hospital. It made her wonder if he was purposely staying out of her path to avoid another confrontation.

It was on day five that Mia’s breast milk had fully let down, and she headed to the NICU with a syringe filled with the warm milk.

Upon entering, she noticed Nathaniel’s crib was empty and a Jamaican nurse pointed to one of the closed curtained areas. Quietly, Mia approached the curtain’s opening and peeked in.

His back was to her and she could see Nathaniel resting in his large hands. Oblivious to her presence, he hadn’t skipped a beat in his monologue.

“It’s not a well known fact, but I am a champion sandcastle builder. Yup. Bet you didn’t know that. So, I am going to teach you all about the fine art of building sandcastles. I’m also going to teach you how to surf. Yeah, your old man’s a California boy, so yes, I surf and we’ll get you out on a board as soon as you know how to swim. Now your mommy is going to teach you all about body surfing. She is excellent at knowing how and when a wave is going to break and how to best ride it into shore. She has this sixth sense about the ocean, so I’m going to let her teach you that. She’s also going to be the one to teach you about clamming. There’s a whole science to that and I’m sure the minute you have your first pail and shovel, she’s going to have you digging up clams.” He paused and took one of Nathaniel’s hands in his, placing a finger on his palm, “Look at that, your grip is getting stronger, even from yesterday. I can’t wait to start coaching you in tennis. In a couple of years, you’re going to be kicking my butt on the court.”

Nathaniel gurgled and Schooner brought him up to his face and kissed his tiny son’s cheek. “So, you do know your mommy and I both love you very much and we both will always be there for you. I don’t know if it will be together. I hope it will be. But even if it isn’t, I can guarantee you that both Mommy and I will always put you first. You know why? Because we love you that much. You will always be the number one priority in both of our lives. So don’t you worry, Big Guy, no matter what happens, Mommy and I will always be there for you.”

Feeling a lump in her throat, Mia involuntarily sniffed before she could stop herself.

Schooner turned around, realizing for the first time that he and Nathaniel were not alone. At the sight of Mia, his face broke into a sad smile, “Mommy’s here, Buddy.”

Motioning for her to sit, Mia silently sat down on the chair next to him.

“Do you want me to go?” Concern for not wanting her to be uncomfortable was clear in his voice.

Shaking her head no, she smiled at Nathaniel nestled in Schooner’s big hands. “Would you like to feed him?” she held up the syringe.

“Is that yours?”

Nodding, “It just came in today. The colostrum came down yesterday and I fed it to him last night,” she placed it in his hand.

“So, this is the first of your milk.”

Mia could see the mixture of sadness and awe in his eyes. “Yes, it is.”

Schooner cradled Nathaniel in the crook of his right arm and put the syringe to his lips. He depressed the stopper a little and deposited the first drops of Mia’s milk. A hungry Nathaniel’s lips started to work immediately, lapping at the milk. The sound from deep in Schooner’s throat was a combination of a laugh and a sob as he smiled through his tears. Intently, he fed Nathaniel the remainder of Mia’s milk without looking up.

Mia placed a burp pad on Schooner’s shoulder and Nathaniel looked like a toy against him. Gently, he patted and rubbed the baby’s back until he let out a sizable burp.

“He must get that from your family,” Schooner kidded.

Looking over at Mia, he smiled and leaned over to wipe a tear that was rolling down her cheek. Nathaniel was already fast asleep on his shoulder.

“He is amazing, Mia.”

“He looks like you.” It was difficult for her to choke out the sentence.

“I think he looks like you.” Reaching over, Schooner gave her hand a squeeze.

“He has your eyes.”

Schooner smiled, “Yeah, I noticed that.”

Standing, he extended his free hand to Mia to help her up from the chair. Clearly stiff and still hurting from the surgery, she rose slowly, her movements deliberate to minimize the pain. Schooner and Nathaniel left the curtained area and Mia followed them.

With the baby back in his crib, they both stood there silently and watched his peaceful sleep, his little lips still moving as he made a bevy of funny faces.

“Where can we go to talk?” Schooner gently stroked Mia’s hair, his eyes pleading.

“Nice assumptive close,” she laughed.

Schooner gave her his real smile, “I was definitely not making that a yes/no question.”

“Your daddy is a smart one, Nathaniel. Don’t let those pretty boy looks fool you.”

And together, for the first time, Schooner and Mia left the NICU nursery.

Chapter Six

They walked the hall in an uneasy silence to the on-site room where Mia was staying. Schooner entered the sparsely furnished quarters behind Mia. A bed, a night stand with three drawers, a straight-backed wooden chair and a recliner/rocker filled the cramped space.

Mia sat on the side of the bed facing the recliner and Schooner sat down across from her, perched on the seat’s edge.

“I’m glad we’re going to talk,” he began. “Mia, I think you already know how sorry I am that I wasn’t here for you, that I wasn’t listening to you when you were trying to tell me you needed me, and that I wasn’t here for you and Nathaniel when you went into labor.” He paused, “I’m beyond sorry and I’ll tell you that again and again and hopefully you’ll see how sincere I am in my apology. My words can’t even express my remorse.”

Closing his eyes for a moment, Schooner attempted to gather his thoughts, “Where do I even begin with all this?”

“I’ll start it for you,” Mia began. “You moved back in with your wife and chose to keep the family you had. They are your priority. Beginning and end of story.”

Opening his eyes, Schooner looked at Mia, shock registering on his face. Their gaze locked and they sat there, in silence, for what felt like an uncomfortable eternity. Remaining silent, he stood.

She looked up at him, defiance in her eyes.

Slowly, he crossed the space over to the bed where she sat. Sitting down next to her, he pulled her onto his lap and lay back against the pillows, pulling her along with him.

“What are you doing?” she was shocked by his move.

“I’m not sitting across from you having this conversation. I’m going to have it with you in my arms. I haven’t held you for nearly a month.” Wrapping his arms around her tightly and pulling her back up against his chest, Schooner buried his face in Mia’s neck. “Are you ready to hear what I have to say?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“No.”

“I didn’t think so,” Mia sighed. “Ok, I’m listening.”

Schooner sighed back into Mia’s neck. “There’s so much I want to say to you. I think you got the wrong impression about me staying at the house. And I’m sorry, Mia, maybe I’m dense, or wasn’t anticipating what you would feel, but I didn’t think it would be an issue for you. You know how I feel about you, Baby Girl.” When she didn’t answer, he continued, “Clearly, I should have communicated everything a lot better than I did, but it was difficult because I was rarely alone, except for late at night, and with the three hour time difference it was the middle of the night here and I never wanted to wake you. I wanted you to get your rest. And when we did talk, there was always someone within ear shot, so I was limited in how openly I could speak and what I could say to you.”

“Why didn’t you just stay at a hotel, Schooner?”

“Because I had to see what was really going on, Mia. If I’d stayed at a hotel, I would have had limited access to a lot of information and probably seen more of a staged show than the reality of the situation.”

Mia turned her head to look at him, “What kind of information?”

With his chin resting on her shoulder, he began, “I wanted to get a good handle on the dynamic between CJ and Zac. Zac has been away at boarding school for the past few years and then he was overseas, so CJ has never had to be a full-time mother to a teenage boy. She literally has only seen him on vacations for the past few years. I was concerned that she was being neglectful, that she wasn’t setting any boundaries for him and frankly, that she was an unfit mother, and that without me being there to balance things out, that maybe I had sent him into an unhealthy and somewhat dangerous situation.”

“And did you come to a conclusion?”

“I did. I’m sending him back to Exeter right after Christmas break. It was the soonest I could get him back in. Mia…” He took her face by the chin and turned it toward him, “I’m sorry I was away for so long. I was walking a tightrope. I knew I needed to get back to you, and I really wanted to get him to a place where I wasn’t dreading that the next phone call I got was from the police telling me that they’d found him dead in an alley. I was trying to get him to a point where I felt he wasn’t a danger to himself and get back to you in plenty of time to be here to take care of you in the final weeks of your pregnancy. And then the tightrope snapped. I didn’t say goodbye to him and I wasn’t here for you and Nathaniel. I missed Nathaniel’s birth. I can never get that back. I will mourn the loss of that moment for the rest of my life.”

“But you were living with her, Schooner,” Mia’s voice exuded anguish, her eyes shrouded in pain.

Schooner let go of her chin and wrapped his arms tightly around her again. Putting his face up against hers, he kissed her temple. “You see, I didn’t anticipate old ghosts creeping in, Mia. I know what you and I have. I’m secure in that. I know how I feel about you. I hate that the old ghosts got to you and made you lose faith. I hate that. And honestly, Baby Girl, that hadn’t even crossed my mind. Not very empathetic of me. I see that now. But it was so far away from my reality and I just assumed you were right there on that same page with me.”

With his cheek pressed against hers, he continued, “Before I even knew how to find you, things were bad with CJ and had been toxic for a very long time. The minute I found you, and found out what she had done to you, to us… well, being in the same room with her became unbearable. And then I came here, and you and I have this amazing relationship, and I’m happy and I now know what a great relationship is like, how it’s supposed to feel. That actually made being out there with her 100,000 times worse. And I also realized something while I was out there, what you and I share now is an adult relationship, and I’ve never really been involved in an adult relationship. But now I know the difference, Mia. I know what it’s supposed to be like. I finally know what being in a loving relationship with someone you love deeply is all about. And I couldn’t help but to keep comparing ‘us’ to what it was like to be around her and to what I had shared with her. And it made me miss you more every second of every day. CJ and I formed some very unhealthy patterns as teens and that is how we interact and react to one another. It’s not pleasant and it’s not healthy. Does that make sense?”

When she didn’t answer, he whispered, “Hey, look at me.”

She didn’t turn her head and he reached for her chin.

“Don’t cry, Baby Girl, please don’t cry,” his eyes locked intently upon hers. “This should be the happiest time of our lives. I hate that there is even a single second that we are not sharing this together. I hate it, Mia. And I’m more sorry than you can imagine for everything I didn’t do right here. And I didn’t do a lot right. I know that. But you and the kids, all three of them, will always be my top priority to care for, provide for and protect. That is just me. That is who I am - for better or for worse, and I promise I will listen when you tell me you need me. I will be here. I will listen. I promise, Mia. And I will try and understand that you and I might not be perceiving things in exactly the same way. Please believe me.”