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“I love you too, my sweet baby.” Biting back the tears, Peter stood up, his daughter still hanging on to his neck, and leaned his forehead up against hers. “What flavor of ice cream do you want?”

“Cookies and cream!” she yelled, allowing her dad to place her back on her bike. “Race you there!”

“You’re on, kiddo.”

~~~~~

Although fall would no doubt soon be in the air, the last strains of summer could still be heard in the warm breeze. Kate put on a pair of khaki shorts, a polo shirt, and a baseball cap, and headed out the door. Once she had reached the neighborhood park and could see children running around attempting to soak each other with water guns, she knew she was in the right place. It was Todd’s birthday party, and Kate hadn’t missed one of either of the children’s birthday parties since they were born.

“Hahaha! We got you!” yelled Parker and Todd jubilantly as they ran by and succeeded in squirting Kate with two streams of water.

“You little stinkers! You better run!” she replied, lunging towards the children. They screamed gleefully and began to sprint in the other direction. She only ran after them for a few seconds, knowing that catching them wouldn’t be nearly as fun as the threat of catching them. She walked over to the picnic table where the adults were standing and added her brightly wrapped gift to the pile. Kate greeted the parents of the other screaming and soaking children and wandered over to where Rick and Brooke were standing at the barbeque. She waved at Amy, who was trying to convince the children to put down the water guns and fly kites instead.

“Hey there, Kate. Glad you could make it,” said Rick as he flipped the burgers and tried to keep the hot dogs from rolling off of the barbeque and onto the ground.

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” said Kate.

“What did you get him?” asked Rick, motioning towards the pile of presents.

“What every five year old boy should have. A drum set.”

Rick stopped flipping and glanced at Kate, who looked completely serious. “Please tell me you’re joking.”

She cracked a smile. “Of course I am. I wouldn’t do that to you and Amy. I did get him a baseball glove, though. I’m sure he’ll love playing catch with you.”

“Now that’s more like it,” said Rick, looking relieved. “Thanks! He’ll be so excited.”

Amy, who had finally succeeded in convincing the kids to fly kites (mostly because it involved running down a steep hill to get started, and running down hills at high speeds is appealing to all children), walked up to Kate and stuck a video camera in her face. “Check it out, I’m making a video for Todd. I want to show this to him when he turns 18 so he can see all the people who loved him and supported him when he was little. Say something!”

“I…um…wait, are you recording already?” said Kate, completely caught off guard.

“Sure am,” Amy replied. “What do you want to say to Todd?”

Kate looked into the lens and tried to construct a coherent sentence from her jumbled thoughts. “Todd…okay. Well, I guess when you see this you’ll be 18. I plan to still be in your life then, so hopefully this will be a familiar face. And please don’t comment if I have gray hair or am 30 pounds heavier, okay?” Amy giggled and Kate continued. “It’s been my pleasure to be in your life since the day you were born, and I feel so lucky that I know you. You are an absolutely delightful child, and I know you’re going to grow into an equally delightful adult. Someday when I have children, I hope that you all can be friends. Now Todd, I want you to know that I will always be here for you, no matter what. If you ever need a couch to crash on, or advice about women, or you just want a good home cooked meal, you come see me. I love you very much, and…” Kate’s voice caught in her throat as she was overwhelmed with emotion. “And I just want you to live a happy and satisfying life.” She knew she loved that little boy, but there was something about saying it out loud that made it more real. “Amy, turn off the camera!” Kate put her hand up over the lens and Amy obeyed.

Amy grabbed Kate in a hug that only a grateful mother could give. “Thank you for loving my children,” Amy said.

Kate rarely dwelled on her desire to have children, but in this moment the feelings came rushing over her with a great force. She was desperate to be a wife and a mother. She felt as though she had so much love to give – so much that her heart was almost bursting from it – and yet, she had no one to give it away to. Ben would make a wonderful father, she thought. When is he going to grow up and let me love him?

“Okay, time for food!” Rick yelled in the general direction of the kids, most of whom had lost interest in their kites and were now doing the log roll down the hill. “I don’t know why we even bother to buy them toys,” he said to Amy. “They are happier catapulting their bodies down a hill then they are playing with that expensive video game system we bought them for Christmas.”

After everyone had eaten and Todd opened his presents, the kids became occupied in a game of Red Rover while the adults cleaned up from the meal. Brooke helped Kate clear the paper plates and napkins covered in cake frosting from the table.

“Anything yet from Ben?” Brooke asked, knowing that Kate had been down in the dumps ever since she got back from her trip to California.

“Actually, yes. I finally spoke to him yesterday.” She proceeded to recount the details of her email and her phone conversation with Ben. “So I really don’t know what to think now. He’s supposed to be here this weekend, but I’m still so unsure about everything. But he promised me over and over that nothing is wrong and that he still wants to see me, so I guess I just have to trust him.”

“What a moron!” exclaimed Brooke. “Does he have any idea how wonderful you are? Hopefully this was just a momentary lapse of judgment and he’ll pull it together.”

“I sure hope so. Because I can’t stop thinking about that weekend at the beach, and how perfect it was.”

Kate saw Darren running up the hill towards the table where she and Brooke were sitting. It wasn’t like him to be late, and she could see that he looked upset as he got closer.

“Hi Darren!” called Kate. “Is everything okay? Why are you late?”

“Kate,” puffed Darren, out of breath from his sprint, “I need to talk to you. Now. Can we go over there for a minute?” He pointed to a bench under a tree just up the way.

“Sure,” she replied, nervous about the urgency in his voice.

Brooke watched Darren and Kate walk away and sit down on the bench. She couldn’t hear what Darren was saying, but she saw Kate clasp her hands over her mouth in apparent shock. Kate hopped up quickly from the bench and began yelling and flailing her arms. Darren jumped up and grabbed her by the wrists, apparently speaking strongly but calmly. She stopped yelling, her body went practically limp, and she fell into Darren’s arms, weeping.

Kate snuggled up with her pillow Mr. Darcy as she lay on her bed, curled up into a little ball. She had been crying but now she felt as if she had no tears left inside her. Emptiness flooded her soul and she couldn’t remember a time when she had felt this alone, this betrayed.

Kate couldn’t believe what Darren had just told her. She immediately left the park and went straight home. She needed to be alone to think.

Ben. Her Ben. The same Ben who had said all those wonderful things to her, who had opened up to her, who had held her hand on the beach and kissed her later that night, who made her heart race more than any other man, and who had just assured her that nothing was wrong and promised that he’d never hurt her again…

She was so angry with him, but couldn’t help being angry with herself. She knew something had changed. She could sense it. But she didn’t want to believe it to be to true.

Mom,

I hate to have to write you this letter. The last thing I want to do is burden you with this news while you’re trying to get well, but I thought you would want to know.

I’m writing to tell you that things between Ben and I didn’t work out. I know how excited you were for me – believe me, I was excited too. But once again, I’m heartbroken. I opened myself up to someone, and somehow ended up alone.

Darren told me that Ben has a new girlfriend. Apparently she is someone from work who he used to really like but she was never interested in him. Until now. And just like that, it’s over. And do you want to know the most disgusting thing? Ben couldn’t even call me and tell me himself. I had to find out through Darren. (Darren is
so angry
, by the way.) In fact, Ben even called me a few days ago and promised me that nothing was wrong and made plans to come and see me. After everything we talked about – being honest with each other, being hurt by people in the past and refusing to be one of those people – he did what I thought would never happen. And now I’m devastated. I knew something was wrong! I just knew it! But I wanted this to work out so badly that I convinced myself to trust him and believe him. I guess he started seeing her right after your stroke, and they officially became a couple the day after he and I talked for the last time. I just can’t believe he would do this to me.

I wish I had never met Ben. I was doing fine on my own – sure, I was lonely, but it was a different kind of lonely. You can’t miss something you’ve never had. Things were different with Ian. I thought I loved him, but now that it’s behind me I can see that Ian and I weren’t meant for each other. Ian was such a good friend, but Ben…Ben could have been my everything. And now that I’ve come so close to what I’ve always wanted, I feel emptier than I ever thought possible.

I feel like I was built to be a support to a man. I believe it with every fiber of my being. I know I’m the person to convince him he’s good enough when he’s feeling low. To be honest with him and knock him down a couple of pegs when he needs it. To celebrate with him, cry with him, belly laugh with him, have faith in him, and believe in him. To love him with everything that I have for the rest of my life. And he’ll allow me to do all of these things because he’ll know that he needs me.

Where is he?

Kate

~~~~~

Kate did the only thing she knew how to do and continued on with the routine of her life. She went to work, spent time with her friends, and tried not to think about Ben. She erased his phone number from her phone, deleted every text message and email he had sent, and refused to let herself think about that weekend at the beach house.

Darren stopped by her apartment a few days after he had broken the news to her at the park to check on her. “How are you doing, kid?”

Kate had only been home from work for ten minutes but was already in her pajamas, curled up on the couch. “I’m…rotten. I’m doing absolutely rotten. I’m doing my best to move on and not think about him, but I just still can’t believe that he has a girlfriend. I imagined a lot of things, but that was not one of them.”

“I know. Trust me; I was almost as shocked as you were.”

“I just don’t understand it, Darren! How could he have changed his mind so quickly?”

“Let me explain something to you about my brother. He can be rather hasty. Always has been. I highly doubt that any of the things he said to you were untrue in the slightest, or that he intentionally wanted to hurt you in any way. He really is a great guy, Kate. But…he’s a guy. He’s clueless.”

“Thanks for mentioning that before I fell in love with him.”

“I’m afraid it’s true of all of us, my friend. We don’t know what we want. And when we think we’ve found it, sometimes something else comes along that confuses us and we change our minds. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying that I don’t think he intended to mislead you or be cruel. I think he’s just a typical guy. In other words, he’s an idiot.”

“What’s the matter with all of you?” cried Kate.

“No one in the history of the world has ever been able to answer that question.”

She tightened her body in a ball on the couch and put her chin on her knees.