More Letters From a Nut (28 page)

Dear Bartender Magazine:

I am a former long time bartender. Last week I baked a meat loaf that looked like George Harrison. When I pulled it out of the oven I thought to myself, “That meatloaf resembles George Harrison.” I could not eat it. Instead, I showed it to my cleaning lady who screamed a stream of satanic obscenities, then yelled that I was the devil and quit. (She called me Mr. Zero. I still owe her money).

That is my story. Can I get it published? Maybe I can show you my meat loaf that looks like the “cute” Beatle. People have flocked to see it. It is something!

I have a picture that you would not believe. (With ketchup on it). You will say, “He is right. That meat loaf looks like George Harrison. You can not eat it!”

Let me know about my story. I can embellish it a little, plus there’s the picture. Plus I still work around liquor. Thank you. I look forward to hearing from you. I love your magazine!

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

I Like Rum!

June 25, 1997

Dear Mr. Nancy:

We are in receipt of your submission to
BARTENDER
Magazine; however, we are unable to use the material submitted and are returning same to you.

Thank you for your interest in
BARTENDER
Magazine.

Very truly yours,

Jaclyn W. Foley

Editor

JWF: ln

Enclosure - George Harrison meatloaf

Dear Administrative Offices,

I would like to put on a
free
show
for the United States Air Force at McClellan Air Force Base. This base is very special to me.

I would like to present my one man show “GIVE ’EM HELL, YOKO” at your base. I am an incredible simulation. For 260 minutes I cavort about as the woman who inspired the Beatles to pursue solo careers.

I engage in 19 costume changes and 5 wig changes; going from long hair to short hair in a matter of minutes. The show opens with me (Yoko) and John (for him I use an animatronic mime doll I control from inside my pants) reenacting the famous Toronto “sleep in.” I actually doze off for 10 minutes and the audience watches me sleep. It is a highlight of the 260 minutes. No one leaves their seats for snacks, bathroom visits, etc. When I wake up I am groggy but still continue. (Early on in show).

Here is what I need from you: A bullhorn. A bathroom scale. Two six foot forks. A fifty pound bologna. (Not fifty pounds of bologna - no skin, please).

After the show I exhibit my autographed poncho collection in the lobby. Please write and tell me how I go about presenting my show FREE at your base theater for the good military at McClellan. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Thank you.

Respectfully,

Ted L. Nancy

Dear Mr. Ted Nancy,

Civilian Training would be more than happy to avail ourself of your services. Please provide more information before we can make a decision on whether or not to offer your show to our Air Force personnel.

CHET PATRAITIS

Education and Training Flight

77 Mission Support Squardron