More Letters From a Nut (30 page)

January 8, 1997

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Your letter requesting assistance with your prison study involving your dressing as Jesse James, Frank James and a James gang mistress has been forwarded to me for response.

Your request falls into the category of a research project, and in order to be approved you would have to submit your request according to the Rules for Conducting Research (see enclosed) as defined in F.S. 33-20.007.

Before you respond, you should be aware that the general ideas expressed in your letter, such as the campfire in the prison yard and your dressing as a frontier woman and mingling with the inmates, will not be allowed under any circumstances because they are a threat to the security of the institution and your own safety.

Please send your response to my attention at 2600 Blair Stone Road, Tallahassee, FL 32399-2500.

If you have questions, I can be reached at (904) 488-1801.

Sincerely,

Paula Bryant

Research Associate

PB/pb

attachments

Quality is Contagious

Dear Prison Authorities:

I would like to perform a free show Jan 15th for your prisoners and guards. I do a complete one man show of Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash, and the Carter Cash sisters. I imitate 22 people! I sing all parts and do all wig changes. I am a realistic looking woman. As pretty as June Carter Cash. I am one sexy gal! (In getup).

The act is two hours and 20 minutes long with full instrumentation. (Over 3 pieces). This is a realistic sound of the Johnny Cash - June Carter Cash San Quentin Prison show.

I want to donate my services free. There is no charge. Just a chance to put on a great show for the inmates and guards. I want to give back to the community. (I was given a free gum surgery by a benevolent person and now want to repay).

I go back and forth from Johnny Cash to June Carter Cash to the Carter Cash sisters. I sing, dance, throw marbles. I imitate the drummer, bass player, trumpeter, and even the m.c. It is truly a show to see! I do a flag waving, Americana, crowd rioting, horn belching finish. The prisoners will go nuts. They’ll be screaming out of their seats. Please write and confirm my show for Jan 15th at your institution so I just don’t show up unannounced. I can send a tape, if you’d like. Thank You.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy

Johnny Cash, June Carter Cash, The Carter Cash Sisters

Laurie The Dog

U.S. Department of Justice

Federal Bureau of Prisons

Federal Correctional Institution

8901 S Wilmol Rd
Tucson. Arizona 85706

Dear Mr. Nancy:

Thank you for your recent request to perform a one-man show at the Federal Correctional Institution in Tucson, Arizona. At this time, we are unable to extend an invitation to you.

Your interest in our institution is appreciated.

Sincerely,

Robert A. Hood

Warden

Dear Prison Authorities,

I wish to donate 100 pairs of shorty pajamas to your prison. These are perfectly good, top notch, grade A, best of the line, choice quality, irregular, uneven, abnormal shorty pajamas (some legs are longer).

They come in striped pale yellow. These are some of the finest irregular shorty pajamas you will ever see.

Please write me back and tell me if your prison is interested in this donation. I want no money.

I have an excess of shorty pajamas and I feel your penitentiary could use them for the inmates or the guards. They are all the same color and design, so if the inmates wear them they will all be uniform. (Guards too). Everyone can be in these shorty pajamas at the same time.

Please let me know so I can send them to you. Thank you and thanks for the good job you are doing. Your inmates and guards will look good in these pajamas.

Sincerely,

Ted L. Nancy