More Than He Expected (11 page)

Her words were like a knife to his gut, catching him off guard
with the sharp pain. This was going to be rougher on her than he even imagined.
He supposed there was nothing quite like giving away something you never had to
remind you of that fact. Now he was sorry he’d asked. “Something like that.”

“None of that really matters. I knew what I was signing up for
with this. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest. I will have made a
huge difference in someone else’s life, and that has to be enough for me. When
it’s all said and done, I’ll just go back to living my life the way I did before
all of this happened—alone.”

There was a sadness and resignation in her voice that he didn’t
like. They’d never discussed the possibility of being together past their stay
in the Hamptons, but she sounded as though she knew he would be long gone by
then. That when she handed over that baby to its parents, she would be handing
away the only person in her life who loved and cared for her as much as she did
for them.

It broke Alex’s heart to hear her talk that way. In that
moment, he wanted so badly to let himself love her. It would be so easy to do.
If he was honest with himself, his heart was already halfway there. But he just
couldn’t commit to the last few steps. He couldn’t open himself up to a fantasy
that would crumble the moment he needed it the most.

“Maybe not completely alone,” he offered. That was all he could
do.

“Don’t,” she whispered, her voice heavy with tears he couldn’t
see. “Don’t say things to make me feel better when you know it really isn’t
true. Lying here in the dark, I’m sure it sounds like the right thing to say.
That it feels true in the moment. But you and I both know the truth when the
light of day shines on it.”

“I want—” he began, but stopped when Gwen rolled onto her back
and held her finger to his lips.

“Just don’t,” she said. “Just go back to sleep before you say
something we’ll both regret.”

* * *

Although she’d told him to sleep, Gwen couldn’t do so
herself. She’d spent the last few hours listening to Alex’s soft, even
breathing, but despite her exhaustion, her mind was spinning too quickly to
sleep. Her last conversation with Alex half felt like a dream. The soft whispers
and painful words felt fuzzy and surreal, but she knew she hadn’t imagined them.
Nor had she imagined Alex’s suggestion that he might be there for her.

She hadn’t let him promise. As much as she wanted it to be
true, Gwen knew it never could be. She could see Alex struggling with taking the
first steps to something more, but staying with her went against everything he
knew. It was doomed to fail, even if his heart was in the right place. He
couldn’t help who he was. But she couldn’t allow herself to fall for another man
destined to leave.

It was one thing when that was what she wanted. Her whole life
she’d sought out the wandering types. The more unobtainable, the more
emotionally distant, the better.

She wasn’t an expert in psychoanalysis, but she’d taken a few
classes in college. It didn’t take a PhD to see she had issues because of her
mother and her pathetic, all-encompassing need to have a man. Gwen didn’t want
to be anything like her, so she picked men she knew wouldn’t stay around, and it
was easier when they inevitably left.

In that regard, Alex was the perfect man for her. And the worst
if she truly wanted to break out of these bad habits and have a real chance at
love and family.

Gwen rolled over in another failed attempt to get comfortable
and tried to think about all the men she’d dated since high school. Had she ever
loved any of them? No. She might’ve thought so or told people she did. But she
held so much of herself back that it really wasn’t possible to be truly, deeply
in love with any of them. And if she was honest, she’d never felt half as much
for any man as she did for Alex.

He took care of her because he knew how much she gave to
others. He pestered her until she would smile. He knew just how to touch her and
when, to get just the reaction they both wanted and needed. Alex understood Gwen
in a way few people did. He’d gotten to her, scaled her protective walls and
reached the heart she kept hidden.

She was in love with him. Damn it.

She expected a giddy rush of emotion at the realization, but it
didn’t come and she knew why. She’d gone out and done the one thing she knew she
shouldn’t do. What everyone, including Alex, told her not to do. It had taken
her months to finally decide what she wanted in her life—a family and Alex. But
those two things were mutually exclusive. She could never have Alex
and
a family. But for some reason she’d let him in,
and what was done, was done.

Gwen loved Alex.

And he, despite his protests, felt something for her. She knew
it. She could feel it in his hesitation. If he didn’t care about her, he
wouldn’t have walked away tonight. But in her heart, she knew that regardless of
how he felt, their relationship was doomed. How could she be the one to tame
Alex when so many others had failed?

She wouldn’t. She’d just get hurt. Dating guys who didn’t stick
around was one thing. Loving the guy was another matter. She’d taken a break
from her merry-go-round of self-destructive relationships only to find herself
in deeper than she’d ever been before.

When the first glow of daylight began to creep into his room,
she sat up in bed. Alex was still soundly sleeping beside her. She realized,
looking at him, that she’d never really seen him asleep before. He always woke
up before she did.

A lock of dark golden hair lay across one of his eyes. The
cocky, suave persona was put away while he slept. His face was relaxed,
peaceful…vulnerable. That was certainly a new expression for him. While he
occasionally appeared concerned or serious, she’d never once seen his guard down
like this. There were flashes of it when he’d looked at her that first night and
realized he’d forgotten the condom. But it had vanished in an instant.

Part of her wanted to reach out and stroke the line of his jaw
and the curves of his lips, but that would wake him up and ruin it. Instead, she
lay there for a few more minutes, committing that face to memory before she got
up.

Finally, she slipped out of bed and collected her clothes,
pulling them on and heading to her own room. Gwen paused in the doorway as she
left, looking back one last time at Alex asleep in his bed. She’d meant only to
go downstairs, but a part of her knew she was walking away from more than just
Alex’s bedroom.

With a sigh, she whispered, “Goodbye, Alex,” and pulled the
door shut behind her.

Ten

G
wen had nearly reached the bottom of the
stairs when a bit of movement caught her eye.

Startled, she turned and found Sabine in the living room. She
was wearing tight yellow workout clothes and poised on one foot on a squishy
blue mat. Her arms were over her head, and the other knee was bent out to the
side, the sole of her foot pressing into her thigh. She looked like some kind of
neon-yellow flamingo.

“Good morning,” Sabine said without stumbling from her
one-legged pose.

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” Gwen said sheepishly. She hadn’t
expected to see anyone on her way back to her room. Especially not at this hour
of morning.

“You’re not.” Sabine smiled and brought her foot back to the
floor. “I’ve been lazy about my yoga while I’ve been here, and I’m paying for
it. I decided to get up before everyone to stretch. My next class back I’ll be
stiff as a board, and all my students will laugh at me.”

Gwen paused at the bottom of the staircase. “You teach yoga? I
thought you worked in Adrienne’s boutique.”

Sabine nodded and knelt down onto her mat. “The yoga is a
part-time thing. I teach a couple evening classes and a prenatal one on Saturday
mornings.” She gestured toward Gwen. “You should come. When I was pregnant, my
doctor recommended a prenatal yoga class, and after it, I felt good for the
first time in months. After I had my son, I stuck with it, and it really helped
me get back into shape.”

“I’d love to give that a try. Not only to get in shape, but to
help me fill some of the hours. After.” When she was alone again.

Sabine nodded sympathetically. “You’re doing a wonderful thing,
you know? I shouldn’t have said what I did the other day about how I could never
do something like that. It was thoughtless of me, considering how hard it must
be for you and you’re doing it anyway.”

Gwen shook her head dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It is
more difficult than I expected and certainly not something just anyone could do.
But it will be worth it.”

“Right.” Sabine smiled and her purple-striped ponytail swung
behind her. “Would you like to try some stretches now?”

Sabine reached into her duffel bag and pulled out a second mat,
this one a bright pink. She rolled it out beside her and patted it in
invitation. “Just a couple for you to do at home until you can get to a
class.”

Gwen climbed onto the mat and worked through a set of poses
with Sabine that not only made the pain in her back disappear, but stretched out
all her other stiff muscles and brought a touch of sweat to her brow. When they
were done, she sat back on her heels to do some deep breathing. Going through
the motions had cleared her head remarkably. She never imagined something like
that could help her think, but if stress and pain were clouding her thoughts, it
made perfect sense.

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

“Sure,” Sabine said. “I don’t have many secrets.”

Gwen was a bit ashamed to ask, but she needed someone to talk
to about Alex, someone with some distance. She got the feeling that Sabine had
some experience where doomed relationships were concerned. “What happened with
your son’s father?”

“We were just wrong for each other. Attraction trumped all that
at first, but it didn’t take long to realize it wasn’t going to work between us.
He was rich, I was poor. He was preoccupied with running his business. I just
wanted to enjoy life. It almost killed me, but I broke it off after only a few
weeks. I knew it would only get worse the longer I waited. It wasn’t until much
later that I realized I was already pregnant with his child.”

“He didn’t want the baby?”

Sabine frowned. “Oh, I’m sure he’d want the baby. That’s why I
never told him.” She shook her head sadly. “I know it sounds like a horrible
thing to do. But when I said he was a rich businessman, I also meant powerful,
arrogant and controlling. I didn’t want Jared to be a pawn in his empire. I
refused to give Gavin the opportunity to sue me for full custody just so my son
could be raised by nannies and go to boarding school. Honestly, I’m surprised
I’ve gone this long without him showing up at my doorstep demanding his
son.”

Gwen couldn’t help but shake her head in wonder. It seemed like
everyone had their own messes in life to clean up. “That must be stressful,
knowing at any time that he could find out.”

“You have no idea. But I know leaving was the right choice, so
I try to focus on living my life. I’m raising Jared the best I can and making
sure he feels loved and wanted. He shouldn’t have to suffer because I’m a
failure at relationships.”

Sabine climbed to her feet and held out a hand to help Gwen up.
“Love can be wonderful, but it can also be destructive. I loved Gavin. It was a
fierce, passionate romance, but I loved myself too much to lose who I was to
him. I couldn’t sit around and wait for him to crush my spirit.”

“You did the right thing,” Gwen said.

“Yes. It’s important not to settle,” Sabine agreed. “Remember
that.”

Gwen nodded. It was solid advice, but it sent her mind spinning
with what it meant for her after her latest revelation about loving Alex. “Thank
you for the advice. And the yoga.”

Sabine smiled and waved it off as Gwen disappeared toward her
room. Although she eyed the bed when she shut the door, the yoga had invigorated
her, and she opted for a hot shower instead.

Gwen felt ashamed for misjudging Sabine that first day. She
should know better than to label someone because of their appearance. Perhaps
she’d make a point to call her for lunch one day after Peanut was born. It could
be one of her steps toward making some real friends and having a life outside
work. And she would definitely look into that yoga class. Those poses had worked
wonders on her body.

Maybe in time it would also help her with peace of mind. A
little meditation and removal of brain clutter couldn’t hurt, at least. The hot
water of the shower helped her body relax, but her mind was still spinning a
hundred miles an hour from their conversation. She wished she could hook a
vacuum to her ear and suck out all the negative thoughts.

Unfortunately, she just wasn’t a “glass half-full” kind of
girl. Gwen liked to think of herself as a “hope for the best, but plan for the
worst” type. What did that mean for her relationship with Alex? That she hoped
they’d have a good time together and her heart wouldn’t be crushed when he
inevitably left?

With a sigh, she rinsed her hair a final time and closed her
eyes. That was ridiculous. How could a relationship be solid when she had such a
large escape hatch?

It couldn’t. And that was part of the problem.

Sabine was right. Gwen shouldn’t settle. If she wanted a
marriage and family with a great man, she could have it. If it couldn’t be with
Alex, she needed to accept that. But she shouldn’t just sit around and wait for
the day Alex left. Each minute she spent with him would make the ending that
much more painful, not to mention putting off her chance to meet the right kind
of guy. She needed to be proactive. To take control of her life. Right now.

Gwen was putting the last of her things in her suitcase when
there was a soft tap at the door. She prayed it wasn’t Alex. She wasn’t quite
sure what she’d say if he saw her packing to leave. It wasn’t that long ago that
he’d called her a chicken, and he was right. She didn’t know how to deal with
this.

“It’s Adrienne,” a voice called through the door.

“Come in.” Gwen tossed her toiletry bag into the case and
closed it as the door opened.

Adrienne slipped in and shut the door behind her. “You’re
leaving.” It wasn’t a question. She knew Gwen well enough to know exactly what
was going on without having to ask. The story would be fully hashed out over
dinner in a few weeks, when the pain wasn’t so fresh and she had enough distance
to talk about it.

“I have to. I’m sorry if this ruins your plans for today.”

“It wouldn’t matter if it did. Do you need me or Will to drive
you back?”

“All the way to Manhattan? No, don’t be silly. I don’t want
either of you to cut your vacation short on my account. But I could use a ride
to the train station or maybe a jitney stop. Whatever is closer.”

“Absolutely. The Hampton Jitney stops down on Main Street. You
can probably book a ticket on your phone. I’ll just go get my keys.”

Gwen zipped her bag and turned to her best friend. Unwelcome
tears had gathered in her eyes, but she refused to shed them. She wasn’t about
to cry while
she
left
him.
That wasn’t how it worked. “Thank you.”

Adrienne rushed forward and swept Gwen into a hug. “Oh, Gwen,”
she lamented. “I’m so sorry. I’ve worried about you ever since I found out what
happened.”

“I’m so stupid. I can’t believe I let myself… I never
should’ve…”

“Fallen in love?”

Gwen pulled away and sniffed back the tears. “With Alexander
Stanton! I seriously need therapy or somethin’. I know that if I ever want a
real, healthy relationship, I’ve gotta stop doing this to myself. So I’m
leaving. I’m starting fresh. I’m going to have this baby and start living a life
open to the possibilities of real love. I deserve happiness.”

“Without question. And I have no doubt you’ll find it. I’ll
meet you out front in a minute.” Adrienne went out to the kitchen and left Gwen
alone for a moment.

She reached over to the dresser and the silver charm bracelet
still lying there. She went to slip it on, then paused. She didn’t need Alex’s
gift to protect her anymore. She was open to love and possibilities. Just not
with him. Gwen scooped the bracelet up and grabbed her suitcase off the bed.

When she met Adrienne in the living room, she had her purse and
keys in hand. “Do you want to leave him a note or something?”

Gwen shook her head. “I doubt he’s ever left a note for any of
the women he’s left. I don’t know what I’d put on there anyway.” Gwen held out
the bracelet to Adrienne. “Could you just give him this and tell him I had to
go? He’s a smart enough guy to figure out the rest.”

Adrienne nodded and held open the front door. They loaded the
Land Rover and pulled out of the driveway.

“I’ve got my ticket booked for eight this morning,” Gwen said
as they stopped in front of the local movie theater. It was closed at this hour
of the morning, and there was almost no one around.

Adrienne glanced down at her watch. “You shouldn’t have too
long to wait then. Do you want me to stay here with you until it comes?”

“No, I’m fine. You go back to the house and continue having a
good vacation with your friends. I expect you to have some more excellent
fireworks tonight.”

Adrienne nodded and leaned in to give her friend another hug.
“Be safe. And call me when you get back to your apartment so I won’t worry.”

“I will.”

Gwen slipped out the car door and pulled her bag from the
backseat. The morning sun had just begun shining in earnest as she rolled her
suitcase over to the park bench to wait for the bus. She gave a quick wave to
Adrienne as she pulled away. Once the car disappeared out of sight, she felt a
weight lifted from her chest.

It was just as well she hadn’t driven herself. This way, she
couldn’t lose her nerve and circle back to him.

* * *

Alex stood in Gwen’s empty bedroom, his eyes burrowing
into the cold, empty bed where he’d expected to find her sleeping. The drawers
were empty, the toothbrush missing from the counter by the sink. He wasn’t quite
sure how to process all of this.

He’d woken up alone and thought nothing of it. Alex had slipped
out of Gwen’s room each night to return to his own before everyone got up. He
figured she’d done the same. He’d showered, dressed and headed downstairs in
anticipation of the typical Fourth of July activities. He had no reason to think
anything was wrong.

Everyone but Gwen was out by the pool, so he’d gone to her room
to see if she’d overslept. It was obvious now that she hadn’t. She’d woken up
early and gotten a head start on them all.

His mind raced through last night and everything that had
happened. Gwen had seemed determined not to let Alex pull away from her. And yet
today, she was gone. She’d left him without saying a word. What had happened
from the time she charged into his room to the moment she’d crept out that would
make her decide to go so suddenly?

A dull ache settled in his chest when he sucked in a breath and
the air still smelled like her lavender shampoo.

She’d left him.

Something about the whole thing didn’t sit right with him.
Maybe it was because Alex had never been left by a woman before. He was always
the first to go, the first to decide that things weren’t working out. He’d
broken it off with his first girlfriend, Tiffany Atwell, in seventh grade after
the spring formal, and it was a trend that had continued until now.

Just one more thing that set Gwen apart. For the first time,
he’d been left wanting more.

He took a few steps into the room, smoothing his hand over the
comforter. It was cold. She’d been gone a while. Confused, Alex sat down on the
edge of the bed and stared into the bathroom where her swimsuit should be
hanging.

The memory of her in that tiny navy bikini hit him in the gut
like a truck. It felt as if the wind had been knocked out of him, his breath
stuck in his throat. His chest tightened, the dull ache sharpening to an acute
pain.

So this is what it felt like to be dumped, he thought. It
sucked. No wonder he’d received so many nasty voice mails and texts over the
years from his exes.

A glance at the bedside stand revealed a stray peppermint left
behind the base of the lamp. He reached out for it, unwrapping the candy and
putting it in his mouth. The strong, fresh bite instantly brought to mind
memories of her kisses. Their first on the dance floor at the reception. The one
on the pier. In the pool. His mind was suddenly driven to remember them all and
savor them as his last.