More Than Him (20 page)

Logan

It took me a while to work out what the sound was; she was sniffing, sobbing quietly. I'd fallen into such a deep sleep that it took longer than I'd hoped to get even one eye open, but when I finally did, I kind of wished I hadn't.

She was sitting up in bed with her knees to her chest, and my journal resting on them. Her hand covered her mouth while tears streamed down her face. I wasn't sure what part she was up to, so I did what I thought was best: I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep through it. I wanted her to have this moment—the time to read what she wanted, learn what she needed, and accept what had been done. Still, it took everything in me to not reach over and comfort her somehow.

I don't know how long I lay there, listening to her laugh, sigh and sob. I heard the pages turn, almost like clockwork, every few minutes. Eventually, I heard the slapping of heavy pages as the book closed. Her weight shifted on the bed, the covers moved, and the warmth of her body enveloped me.

"Logan," she whispered.

I pretended to ignore her.

I felt her breath against my lips. She must have been close. "I love you so much, Logan."

My eyes snapped open. Her smile grew. "What?" I croaked out, my voice scratchy from sleep.

She nodded slowly. "You heard me. I love you, so damn much." She moved closer, until we were chest to chest.

It was like that day—the dream—her words. She must've read it. She must've known what those words would mean to me. "Yeah?" My voice broke. "You're not just saying that bec—"

She shook her head, interrupting me. "I'm saying it because you never let me say it before. I'm saying it because I've wanted to say it ever since you took me to that bookstore. I've wanted to tell you since you got me this." She pulled out a gold chain from around her neck and showed me the vial. "When you kissed me out there in the pouring rain, and told me that we'd make new memories. You took something that I was afraid of and turned it into something amazing. That's what you are to me, Logan. Amazing. I want you to know that, and if it means telling you that I love you over and over and over, then I will. I love you so much, Logan." She kissed me once. "I love you." Another kiss. "I love you." Another kiss, deeper this time. "I love you."

"Stop," I told her. "You're going to waste them."

She pulled back. "I can't waste them, Logan. You're my person. I'll never run out of loves for you. Ever."

20

Logan

The sun was coming up by the time we'd decided to go back to sleep. She’d asked her million questions, like I’d known she would. I answered everything as truthfully as possible.

Some things were harder than others. Amuhda was a hard one to try to talk about, but she held my hand, and helped me through it. The only thing that wasn't serious was when she got to Rebekah. "You swear you guys didn't do anything? She just kissed you, right? And you stopped it immediately, right?" she'd asked, pacing around the room. "Swear it," I'd assured her.

"You don't have to lie to me," she'd said, almost like a warning. It made me laugh. That made her pissed. Her eyes thinned to slits as she clipped, "I don't care, Logan. It's not like you and I were . . . you know . . . whatever!" She threw her hands in the air. She got so flustered and so annoyed at my laughing at her that I couldn't help laughing harder. Typical asshole boyfriend move.

Then it was my turn to question what she'd done with other guys while I was gone. I'd been trying hard not to bring it up. A part of me wanted to know, and another part of me felt too sick at the thought. Actually knowing, mentally being able to picture it, I think I'd puke. When she promised me she hadn't even touched another guy and no hands had been on her . . . I lost it for a little bit.

We fooled around for so long, I swear my dick was about to snap off. We got to the point of me almost being inside her before I stopped it. We both agreed that we wanted to wait. Neither of us really knew why, we just wanted to take it slow, savor it.

Now, there was an incessant loud banging at the front door. We both shot up and out of the bed quickly. She pulled my jersey down over her thighs, a panicked look on her face. "W . . . what's happening?" She moved closer to me.

I pulled on sweatpants as she made her way over. "I don't know." My heart thundered frantically against my chest. I hadn't been this scared since I was seven.

She hugged my arm tightly and I turned to face her.

She flinched when the banging started up again.

"It'll be okay." I tried to keep my voice even, but I failed. "You need to stay here, okay?"

"No," she whined, gripping my arm tighter.

"Babe, come on."

I freed my arm from her grip, opened the drawer in the nightstand, and pulled out the handgun.

I heard her gasp.

I tried to soothe her, "It's just . . ."

She shook her head, her eyes never leaving the gun in my hand. "I get it."

I covered the few steps between us, ignoring the banging, not just at the front door, but in my chest and in my head. I kissed her once. "It's probably just my neighbors, it's fine," I lied. It wasn't them; they knew better. They'd done it once and had me answer the door with a gun in my hand. Never again.

She returned my kiss. "I love you."

I wanted to tell her I loved her, too, but the banging started again. "You
have
to stay here. No matter what you hear, okay? If you think you need to, call the cops."

With each step towards the front door, my feet felt heavier. By the time I was there, they were lead. The trembling in my hand against my leg caused the gun to sway from side to side.

Thump. Thump.

The blood rushed to my ears.

Thump. Thump.

I looked through the peephole.

Assholes.

I opened the door.

"I swear it, I tried not to tell him but he knew I was keeping secrets. I don't like to keep secrets, Logan."

Cameron stepped in. "You asshole." Then he saw the gun in my hand and took a step back. "Shit, dude."

After my mind and body had caught up to each other, I placed the gun on the new entry table next to the door.

"Shit," Cam said again. "Sorry, man. The loud knocking and—" He cursed under his breath. "I didn't even think." He put his fist out to bump.

I did, but I couldn't speak yet. My heart was still racing. I walked to the kitchen for a drink. They followed.

"I'm sorry," Lucy squeaked, as I ran the water to fill my glass. I drank like my life depended on it. They watched in silence.

"It's fine," I finally said. "Just don't do that shit again."

"Seriously," Cam started. "We were at this barbecue on campus and Lucy started drinking, then she told me about how you were going to fight for—" He cut himself off, conscious of the fact that I may not want to hear her name. "Anyway," he continued. "I got it out of her that you were back and then she spilled. I just had to come see it for myself. Honestly, I'm a little pissed you both kept it a secret. If I was an asshole, I'd probably accuse you two of screwing around."

Lucy started to giggle. Then hiccupped. Then giggled some more.

"She's drunk," he informed me. " It's good to see you. You're good?"

"Yeah, man," I started for the living room. "I'm good." I threw my body onto the sofa the same time as Lucy opened the curtains. The room filled with sunlight. I squinted at the sudden change.

"Dude, were you asleep? It's, like, three in afternoon. You look like shit." Cam. So observant.

"Logan?" We all paused and looked to the hallway when we heard her tiny voice.

Both their heads whipped to me. "You have a girl in here?" Lucy all but shouted.

Cameron grinned like the Cheshire cat. "Yeah, you do!" He stepped closer and raised his hand for a high five. I sat up, rolled my eyes, and gave him what he wanted.

"Logan?" Amanda said again, louder this time.

Lucy's eyes went huge. "Who is it?" She was still yelling. Standing next to Cameron, she got on her toes and whispered in his ear, "Logan has a girl in here."

Cam shook his head, his eye-roll matching mine from only seconds earlier. "I know, babe, I'm right here."

"Who is it?" she asked him.

He sighed, but didn't answer.

I chuckled to myself and yelled, "Babe, you can come out." Then a second later, "Put pants on."

Cam grinned again. "You mad dog." He was amused. I'm glad someone was.

Amanda walked in wearing a pair of my sweats and my baseball jersey.

Lucy gasped loudly when she saw her. It made Amanda stop in her tracks. Lucy's gaze went from Amanda, to me, to Cameron. "Is she real life?" she asked Cameron.

"Yes, babe. She's real." He patted her on the head.

Lucy slowly took steps closer to Amanda, as if she were a wounded animal and Lucy was her savior. Amanda’s eyebrows bunched as she watched Lucy slowly approach. Cam sat down next to me, but both of us watched the girls. Then, when Lucy got close enough, she poked Amanda on the arm. Amanda flinched, but stayed silent. Lucy hiccupped, and then narrowed her eyes. "Are you real life?" she whispered.

Amanda smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes.

Lucy yelled, "You are real!" Then she hugged the shit out of her. "Oh my God," she said, pulling back. She touched Amanda's face with both hands. "I've missed you." Hiccup.

Then Cameron from next to me, "You guys should totally make out, that would be hot."

Amanda and Lucy snorted in unison, then walked towards the sofa. Amanda sat on the other side of me, grabbing my arm and placing it around her shoulders.

"Ooooooooooohhhhhhhhh," Lucy crooned, looking around the apartment. "Now it makes sense. You have actual furniture."

Amanda rubbed her nose on my bare chest. I still hadn't put a shirt on. "Are you okay?" I spoke into her ear.

She smiled at me, but it was forced. I lifted her chin so I could look at her properly. She still looked scared.

"We're gonna jet," Cam announced, standing up. "I just wanted to see you with my own eyes."

I stood, too, thankful that he knew well enough to leave us alone. I walked them to the door.

"Look," Cameron started. "I get that you want to lay low or whatever, but Jake doesn't even know you're here. And I mean—I don't want to tell you what to do or whatever, but if I were him, I'd be pissed if I found out you were here and didn't even bother telling your best friend. I just think it's gonna get worse with time, you know?" He ran his hand through his hair. "And you know Jake. He doesn't get pissed. He freezes you out, and that shit's not cool."

He was right. Jake didn't do openly angry or pissed often, but you knew if you'd upset him.

I nodded.

"Oh, I know," Lucy screeched. "My bonfire tomorrow night. Come! At the cabin, like old times! Remember, Logan? Remember?"

Cam cut in. "Okay Drunky McDrunkface. Time to get you home. Let's leave Logan and Amanda alone, alright?" He picked her up and threw her over his shoulder. Then to me, "It's not a bad idea—the cabin tomorrow night, you guys should come. It'll be a welcome home, you know?"

"Maybe," I answered.

"I mean it, Logan, it's really good to see you." His tone was serious. He looked over at Amanda, who was still on the sofa. "You too, Amanda. I'm glad you're both
safe."

***

"
I should get home," she said.

I sat down next to her. "Why? You don't have to leave." I lay down and pulled her body on top of mine.

"I just need to. Ethan will start to get worried."

Stroking her back, I let out a sigh. "You should just tell him you're here."

She was quiet for a moment, and then said, "You're not the only one that has things to overcome, Logan."

I don't know what she meant, but whatever it was, I wasn't going to push her. She got off me and walked away. A second later, I heard the shower running.

I waited, watching the trembling in my hand slowly steady itself, and then I got up and made my way to the bathroom, too.

"I think I should talk to Ethan," I said, loud enough so that she could hear me over the sound of the shower.

The pipes made a clanking sound as the water turned off. "Towel." Her hand was out, waiting.

I handed her one. "Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe you're exaggerating it—I don't know—maybe if I talk to him it'd be okay."

She stepped out with her hair tied up messily, the towel around her, and an annoyed look on her face. "A. I'm not exaggerating. B. It won't be okay. C. Trust me. I know Ethan."

"Fine." I looked down at the floor. It felt like a rejection.

I heard her sigh. Her feet invaded my vision. She stood inches in front of me. "Are you mad that we're lying to Ethan, or are you sad that I'm leaving?"

"Both," I answered quietly, still staring at the floor.

"Which one more?"

"The second," I sulked.

She laughed quietly before wrapping her arms around me. She brought my head down to her chest. "I'm going to miss you," she admitted.

"Then don't go yet."

"You're going to get sick of me quick."

"Not possible."

She made a humming sound when I hugged her tight.

And that's how we stayed.

Seconds turned into minutes.

"I was so scared, Logan."

I wanted to assure her that it would be okay. I even opened my mouth to let the words out, but they died in my throat, along with my pride. Instead, I looked her in the eyes—truth time. "So was I."

21

Amanda

I didn't want to leave him, but I didn't want us to suffocate each other, either. We'd spent so much time together already, and it'd only been days since we were back in each other's lives.