More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (25 page)

A common problem Franklin has received many emails about concerns someone in a poly relationship—usually a partner of a person who's started dating someone new—who feels insecure. Insecurity can happen in any relationship, of course. In these cases, however, the insecure partner will try to deal with the insecurity by demanding to read every email and text with the new partner, hear everything they talk about (sometimes even listening in on phone conversations)—and become extremely angry at the suggestion that there might be some expectation of privacy.

Almost all of these emails end with "Is this normal? If I am polyamorous, does that mean I have to accept this?" No, it isn't. And no, you don't. Polyamory is a relatively new cultural phenomenon. Our society has a great deal of experience with monogamy, so the warning signs of coercion or abuse in a monogamous relationship are well-known. In polyamory, however, we are blazing a new trail. Few people have significant experience in polyamorous relationships, so the warning signs of trouble may not be so clear.

There are many signs of a harmful relationship dynamic, but the most unmistakable one is fear.
Why am I so afraid in this relationship when there's no imminent physical danger?
If you find you are asking yourself this question, check your boundaries. Do you know where they are? How much power have you given to others to affect your well-being, your self-esteem, even your desire to live? Remember, when you give someone the power to affect you and to come into your mind, you are only loaning what belongs to you. If you are afraid, you have given too much. When you look forward, do you see choices? Is leaving the relationship a viable option? Is changing the relationship a viable option? Is setting new boundaries an option? What happens if you say no?

It is unnerving when a relationship becomes permeated by fear, but this is often the trajectory of a relationship that lacks consent. It starts when you begin to bend yourself around your fears instead of embracing your dreams. We see plenty of relationships fall apart in sadness, anger, hurt and feelings of betrayal—but fear is worse.

If, on the other hand, your partner has started expressing new boundaries with you, ethics and decency demand a compassionate response. Remember that people express boundaries to protect themselves, and we all have the right to do this. Access to another person's body and mind is a privilege, not a right. Nobody should ever be punished for expressing a boundary or for revoking consent.

BOUNDARIES AND PSYCHOLOGICAL HEALTH

One place where boundaries in any romantic relationship can become especially difficult to navigate is around issues of mental health. Each of us has the right to set whatever boundaries we want, and these include boundaries concerning partners with mental health issues. We don't always like to acknowledge this, but it's true. A person who grew up with an alcoholic parent might be sensitive around dealing with substance abuse, for example, and might set a boundary that she will not start a relationship with someone who drinks or uses drugs.

That's a choice each of us is allowed to make. We can decline to enter into a relationship for any reason. This extends to mental health. We have a right to decide whether we will become—or remain—romantically involved with someone who suffers from depression, anxiety or any other psychological illness. While the stigma surrounding mental health issues needs to be confronted, and compassion and understanding for people coping with such issues are essential, we are not required to continue to engage in an intimate relationship with someone who suffers from a psychological health problem that may compromise our own well-being. This is each person's own choice to make.

When we have these boundaries, however, it is our responsibility to express them, preferably before we have put someone else's heart on the line. We cannot expect, with this or any other kind of boundary, another person to guess our boundaries.

And if we hear about a boundary that we know applies to us, it is also our responsibility to say so, even when it's difficult. Often mental health issues are surrounded by walls of shame and guilt; they are not easy to talk about. But again, people cannot consent to be in relationships with us if that consent is not informed. If a prospective partner has expressed a boundary and you don't feel safe sharing your history of mental health issues or substance abuse, that's okay, but it's still ethically necessary to tell that partner, "I don't think we're compatible."

We can't, though, guarantee to a partner that we'll never develop a mental health issue in the future. When this happens, it is certainly reasonable to ask your partner for help and support. But remember that your romantic partner is not your therapist. Expecting a partner to play that role is likely to place a heavy burden on your partner and the relationship, and unlikely to help you overcome serious issues. Talking to a qualified mental health professional is far more likely to succeed.

Having, and being able to assert, good personal boundaries is a vital prerequisite for the next part of creating frameworks for successful poly relationships, negotiating agreements and rules. Only by clearly understanding where your own boundaries lie can you hope to work out relationship agreements that meet your needs while still honoring the needs of everyone else involved.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

If you aren't sure whether a problem is just a normal bump or points instead to a boundary violation, ask yourself these questions. A yes for any of them is a sign of trouble.

• Is my partner asking me to give up control of my autonomy, my body or my emotions?
  
• Am I being asked to consent to something in a way that I can't later withdraw my consent?
  
• Am I afraid to say I may need to leave this relationship?
  
• Am I afraid to say no or to disagree with my partner?
  
• Is someone threatening my well-being, safety or livelihood?
  
• Are decisions about my actions or access to my body being made without my involvement or consent?
  
• Am I being asked to participate in, or be complicit in, something I consider dishonest or unethical?
  
• Does my partner make me feel worse about myself?
  
• Am I being asked to give up relationships with friends or family?
  
• Do I feel I have no expectation of privacy in my other relationships?
  
• Do I feel that my partner considers me inferior to him or to his other partners?
  
• Am I asked to "respect" my partner or her other partners, but feel that this respect is not reciprocated?
  
• Am I afraid to express my boundaries? Do I feel they won't be respected?
  
• Am I treated as an adjunct to, or as an extension of, my partner's other relationships, rather than as a person in my own right?
  

10

RULES AND AGREEMENTS

An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.

HARRIET
LERNER

One of the first questions people new to poly often ask is "What kinds of rules should we have?" This is especially true when they are opening an existing relationship. The issue of rules is a complicated, charged topic. Many people have strong feelings about rules in poly relationships. Rules that work, rules that don't, alternatives to rules, distinctions between rules and agreements—these are issues we carefully take apart in the next few chapters.

For most people, monogamy comes with a set of expectations and rules bundled in. Some areas aren't necessarily clear—for example, some monogamous couples consider flirting to be a violation of the rules, while others don't—but for the most part, we know the expectations of monogamy. It's tempting, then, to look at the rules that come packaged with monogamy and say, "Okay, so what rules do we use for polyamory?"

This approach works for some people, but there are dangers in thinking about relationships in terms of rules. For instance, we both often hear people say, "Any rules are okay if you both agree to them." This saying underscores how stubbornly the assumptions of monogamy and couplehood can cling, even in communities that ostensibly practice non-monogamy. It assumes there are
only two
people, that those two will be negotiating with each other (but not with others), that their needs are of prime importance, that they will call the shots, and that they can make decisions for anyone else who becomes involved with either one of them about the best way to build relationships. What matters is what
they both
agree to, not what
everyone
agrees to.

We encourage an approach to relationships that gives a voice to all the stakeholders.

Many people starting polyamorous relationships also want to know: "How can I keep things from changing? And what guarantees do I have that things won't go wrong?" Rules are usually an attempt to answer these questions. The answers we offer are: you can't, and you don't have any. And that's okay.

Before we go into that, it's helpful to clarify the difference between a
rule
and an
agreement
. Rules, agreements and boundaries are all, at their core, mechanisms for changing behavior. The differences are in how these different things go about doing it, what assumptions they make, how they are created, and whom they apply to.

AGREEMENTS INVOLVE ALL PARTIES

As we use the word,
agreements
are negotiated codes of conduct established among people who are involved with each other. An agreement is a covenant negotiated by
all
the parties it affects. Something negotiated between one set of people—a couple, for example—and then presented as a take-it-or-leave-it proposition to others is not an agreement as we define it: we call that a
rule
. If Edouard says, "I never want you to spend the night with anyone else," and Maria says, "Okay," this is not an agreement—because it affects Maria's other partner Josef, who wasn't consulted. If his voice is absent from the negotiations, Edouard and Maria have instituted a rule.

Agreements also allow for renegotiation by any of the people they affect. An agreement that does not permit renegotiation is more like a rule. An agreement that is binding on people who did not negotiate it
is
a rule. Here are some examples of agreements:

• If one of us wants to spend the night with someone else, we will let the others know in advance so we can discuss it.
  
• If one of us wants to have sex with someone else without barriers, we will all first discuss sexual history, risk and testing before we reach a decision.
  
• We will immediately talk about a situation that make us feel threatened, rather than sitting on it.
  
• We will not start new relationships while there are problems in our existing relationships.
  
• We will negotiate safer-sex boundaries with each of our new partners.
  
• We will make our sexual health information available to new partners who want it.
  

Even when the negotiations include all parties, you must still take care to make the negotiations equitable for everyone. Power in a relationship is almost never distributed equally. When a new person starts a relationship with one or more people who are already together, the newcomer will probably have less power than they do. He is likely to bear the brunt of their disagreements or any resentments they have between each other. In an ethical negotiation, any person with a disproportionate amount of power must negotiate compassionately, rather than using that power to browbeat others to "consensus."

RULES PLACE RESTRICTIONS WITHOUT NEGOTIATION

As the term is used in this book,
rules
are binding limitations placed on someone's behavior that are not up for negotiation. Even when a rule is agreed to, it's a mandate that can only be obeyed or broken. Breaking a rule is assumed to have consequences, such as loss of the relationship.

Agreements sometimes become rules. The defining element of a rule is a restriction placed on someone without their input or negotiation. A trivial example of a rule is that Eve and Peter don't permit shoes to be worn in their home. Everyone visiting must follow it. The consequence of breaking it is that you will probably not be invited back. Some examples of poly rules we've seen people using or trying to use are:

• We will never spend the night at another lover's house; we will always come home at night.
  
• We will always use barriers when one of us has sex with another lover.
  
• We will not refer to any other partner by the same pet names we use with each other.
  
• We can have sex with other people, but we won't love another person as much as or more than we love each other.
  
• We will not bring any other lover to our favorite restaurant.
  
• If one of us wants the other to break up with another partner,we will do it. (This is called a "veto" and is discussed in chapter 12).
  
• We will not have sex with other partners in certain sexual positions, or if the other is not there.
  
• We will only start relationships with people who are willing to be in a relationship with both (or all) of us.
  
• We will only start relationships with people who are willing to be exclusive to both (or all) of us.
  

These rules may sound a lot like the agreements listed in the previous section. They all start with "We." The difference is that all of the rules listed here materially affect a third person who did not have a role in negotiating them, and that person must accept them or leave the relationship(s).

The absence or presence of empowerment is a litmus test for whether something is a rule or an agreement. Are all the people affected empowered to make their objections heard? Will the others consider the objections seriously, or will some people's objections always be overruled? What happens if someone wants a structure that doesn't work for someone else? Are negotiation and compromise possible, or is leaving the only alternative? Agreements empower people, whereas rules enforce power imbalances.