More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (51 page)

Recognize that there are times, especially early on, when your relationship is going to be uncomfortable. Happiness is not merely the absence of discomfort; it requires doing the work, facing down fears and insecurities, and being willing to talk about and confront unpleasant things. There's nothing wrong with discomfort; challenging our comfort zone is how we grow, and succeeding in a mono/poly relationship requires growth.

Transparency is important. The polyamorous partner may hesitate to tell the monogamous person about new interests for fear of hurting him. The monogamous person might not want to talk about fears or insecurities for fear of upsetting the polyamorous partner. Wrong and wrong. Relationships live or die on the quality of the communication in them. It's vital that both people talk openly, even when talking openly is difficult.

As discussed in chapter 17, it might be tempting to think,
Okay, I can give this poly stuff a try, but if it doesn't work out, we can go back to monogamy.
Approaching polyamory this way is dangerous. It's one thing to talk about reverting back to monogamy when no one else is involved yet; it's quite another to discard other loves to do it. Treating other partners as disposable is not ethical. It will also damage your relationship. Telling a partner "Okay, I've changed my mind, get rid of this other person you love" will probably hurt both of you.

A tempting idea, particularly for monogamous people in a poly relationship, is to seek a feeling of safety and comfort by being able to reject the polyamorous person's other partners if they seem too threatening. As we discussed in chapter 12, that idea often backfires.

FINDING YOUR BOTTOM LINE

Mono/poly relationships require flexibility, negotiation and willingness to compromise. They also require a good understanding of our personal boundaries, and the things we can't compromise on. We talked about
creeping concessions in chapter 10
. Mono/poly relationships are especially prone to these. When people have radically different ideas about what their ideal relationship should look like, they will be especially tempted to make compromises that, over time, bargain away more than they intended. When negotiating a mono/poly relationship, ask yourself, "What are the essential things I must have? At what point will my needs no longer be met? What are my values? What must I have in order to act with integrity?" Don't compromise on those. If you negotiate away your integrity, ethics or agency, you are no longer a full and equal participant in the relationship.

You must also be aware of your partner's boundaries, and not ask (or expect) her to compromise past those points. Talk about what she needs to have a happy, functioning relationship, and where these needs overlap with yours. Be careful not to compromise on behalf of other people. Sometimes when we're trying to find a way out of an impasse, we may be tempted to make compromises that affect others—especially when those others are still hypothetical. It can be tempting to try to ease stress by bargaining away their agency in advance, such as by agreeing to limitations on their behavior. When we do this, we are using the agency of other people as bargaining chips.

Instead, focus on practical things your partner does have control over. If you need more time with her, say "I need more time with you," not "I don't want you spending so much time with other people." Be concrete about the things that are bothering you—schedules, chores, responsibilities, time with the kids, fun time together—and negotiate for those things specifically.

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS A CHOICE

Overwhelmingly, the social message we're given about relationships is that falling in love means moving in together, getting married, settling down, starting a family. The "relationship escalator" narrative doesn't dwell much on the notion of choice; it can seem that once we fall in love, we're on that ride whether we want to be or not. It can be surprisingly easy to lose track of the fact that we do in reality have choices, even if they're difficult.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
When I met Celeste, she knew I'd never been in a monogamous relationship. We didn't expect to become romantic partners, much less married. The relationship that developed between us took us both by surprise. Throughout our relationship, we both had the idea that falling in love meant there was a path we were supposed to follow, and we were committed to that path. Celeste would say things like "I'm in love with you, which means I can never leave."

Because of this, we both ended up feeling that neither one of us had ever fully agreed to the relationship. Celeste felt like she hadn't quite consented to polyamory, even though she was aware I was not monogamous, because as soon as we were in love we would have to follow the path.

I felt the same way. At this point the word
polyamory
wasn't in circulation yet, and I had never met anyone who wanted the same things I did. I felt I was alone in wanting non-monogamy, so any relationship I was in would have this built-in difference in goals and desires, and so I had to make it work with Celeste. If I didn't, I would just have to start the same thing over with someone else, have the same arguments, make the same compromises.

Because neither of us believed we had a choice, we were both held hostage to our feelings. We didn't think leaving the relationship was possible, and we didn't have good tools to deal with the differences in what we wanted. As a result, Celeste felt that polyamory was being inflicted on her without her consent, and I felt that she couldn't really understand me.

In a mono/poly relationship, it is especially important that the people involved feel they are agreeing to the relationship on purpose, because they each see value in the other that makes the relationship a positive choice for both of them. When we believe, in contrast, that we must keep the relationship at all costs, it becomes difficult to give consent. As Franklin's partner Amber says, "When we enter into a romantic relationship, we make a choice. Over time, we build a life. This may involve legal and financial commitments and responsibilities. But there is a difference between life-building and intimacy. Consent is about intimacy, and in every moment of every day, we should feel that we have a choice in the intimacy we participate in."

And remember that no matter how much you love each other, you are not obligated to be in a relationship with each other. You have a choice. If it doesn't work, if one of you is hurting too much, it's okay to let it go. The fairy tale is wrong: True love really doesn't conquer all, all the time.

QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

Mono/poly relationships offer some unique challenges and require careful negotiation if they are to succeed. Before embarking on a mono/poly relationship, here are a few things to consider:

If you are the monogamous partner:

• Why do I identify as monogamous? Is it because I only want one partner for myself, or because I want my partner to be only with me, or both?
  
• Do I enjoy time to myself or without my partner? Do I have hobbies I enjoy alone or with others, and a social life that does not rely on my partner?
  
• Am I prepared to face uncomfortable feelings such as jealousy, insecurity and fear about my partner's loyalty, and to put in the work required to overcome them?
  

If you are the poly partner:

• Am I prepared to give my monogamous partner time and space to process his feelings about my polyamory?
  
• Am I prepared to make concessions in my relationship to help the monogamous person work through his feelings?
  
• Are there limits on the concessions I will make, either in terms of what I will agree to or the time span of the agreement?
  

For both partners:

• Do I fully understand my partner's choice to be monogamous or polyamorous, and am I able to accept my partner for who she is?
  
• Can I build a relationship that respects the agency not only of each of us, but of others who are involved as well?
  

19

SEX AND LAUNDRY

Love's mysteries in souls do grow,

But yet the body is his book.

JOHN
DONNE

In the introduction, we said the first question most people ask when they hear about polyamory is "Who does the laundry?" That was naughty of us. The first question people usually ask is "Who sleeps with whom?" The question about laundry usually comes much later.

People in poly relationships are probably not having as much sex as you think. Polyamory, with its emphasis on intimate romantic relationships, isn't really about sex. Poly people don't necessarily have high sex drives, aren't necessarily kinky, aren't necessarily into group sex, and may not be interested in casual sex. Many poly people hold traditional views about sex. Indeed, as we've mentioned, polyamory is often attractive to asexual people, since it allows close, intimate relationships without the pressure (or guilt) of being a partner's only sexual outlet.

Having said that, sex is part of most romantic relationships, and poly relationships involve special considerations about sex. So it's a good idea to be fully up to speed about the physical and emotional risks (and special joys) that come with it. In this chapter, we address considerations other than sexual health and the risks of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), which are discussed in the next chapter.

DEFINING SEX

Before we talk about polyamory and sex, we have to clear up a minor detail: What is sex? Traditional heterosexual relationships give us a narrow definition: Sex is a penis entering a vagina (short form: PIV sex). Other sexual activities tend to be minimized or dismissed, as happened when a certain U.S. president sparked a national discussion over whether oral sex "counts." In gay and lesbian relationships the definition might get a little more complicated, but still tends to revolve around who does what with which genitals. A surprisingly large percentage of people will call themselves "virgins" even after they engage in oral or anal sex, which raises interesting and unfortunate implications for emotional and sexual health.

In polyamory, just as there's no single model for a romantic relationship, there's no single model for a sexual relationship. Partners in poly relationships may never engage in conventional penis-in-vagina sex (if they have bodies that permit that; not all poly people are heterosexual or cisgender!).
^*
They may or may not expect that unbarriered sex (for instance, without a condom) will ever become part of the relationship. Poly relationships may involve a wide range of sexual activities, without including conventional sexual intercourse (or even genital contact) at all.

Defining sex is more than a word game. It matters for the agreements that people negotiate with each other. It affects sexual health boundaries. It influences what people may wish to be notified about, and what parts of a person's sexual past might need to be disclosed. In negotiations about sexual boundaries, therefore, everyone needs to be on the same page about what constitutes "sex."

* Cisgender refers to a person whose experience of gender identity matches the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
While I was visiting an out-of-town sweetie, I met a lovely young woman, Amelia. She and I quickly became friends. At one point during my visit, the partner I was visiting wanted to spend some time with one of her other boyfriends, so the two of them spent the night together. Amelia and I shared a bed that night, as there was only one other bedroom in the house where we were staying.

Amelia and I were not lovers, but during the course of the evening, she asked (in charming fashion) if I would object to her masturbating. I didn't mind at all, though I didn't participate in any way.

It would not have occurred to me (or my partners) to think of that night I spent with Amelia as sex, or of her as anything other than a nonsexual partner. But many people would consider the night we spent together to be a sexual activity, and one that would need to be disclosed to other partners. Certainly many monogamous people would consider this to be a violation of their relationship agreements.

This isn't an everyday sort of occurrence, but it does show how the definition of "sex" can be slippery, and how activities one person doesn't consider sexual, another might.