More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (50 page)

CULTIVATING TRUST

By now, you've probably noticed that a theme in this book is trust. We believe that trust between partners is an essential part of happy, stable relationships. A surprisingly large number of poly problems are actually about trust. Trusting in your partner's enthusiastic willingness to take care of you, and your partner demonstrating that this trust is well placed, solves many problems in poly relationships. But this can be tricky in mono/poly relationships, because it's hard to trust someone whose motivations you don't fully understand. When someone's motivations don't make sense to you, you will find it difficult to predict what choices they might make.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
During the time I was with both Celeste and Elaine, I attended a week-long computer convention out of town. While I was there, Celeste and Elaine spent a great deal of time talking to each other, and somehow convinced each other that I was engaging in all sorts of random, no-strings sex with the beautiful women they imagined I was meeting at the convention. The reality was far more mundane: I spent all day at workshops on computer programming and network administration, and most nights in the hotel room watching reruns of
Law & Order.
I did not have even a single sexual encounter, much less the dozens they imagined to be filling my nights. There was no reason to believe I would be looking for flings; I've never had a taste for casual sex. But because they both struggled to understand why I wasn't satisfied with conventional romantic relationships, they believed they couldn't predict how I might behave, so they ended up imagining far-fetched fantasies.

When two people don't see eye to eye, it's easy for a tiny seed of doubt to blossom into a full-blown breakdown of trust. Mono/poly relationships require special commitment to trust and communication. Being willing to take a leap of faith that your partner is dedicated to your relationship, even if you don't understand your partner's motivations, becomes especially important. On the other side, as the poly person, when opportunities to build trust arise, you really have to behave with integrity. If you've made promises to your monogamous partner, keep them. Even if you don't understand why he wants them. If they create real problems, don't break them, renegotiate them. Cultivate trust by demonstrating that you are worthy of trust.

Finally, for the monogamous person, trust in yourself—in your self-efficacy—is as important as trust in your partner. Mila found that sticking with it and getting through those early struggles gave her confidence that she could get through future struggles. She was terrified at the beginning of her relationship with Morgan when polyamory was a complete unknown. Now, she trusts that if hard times come back, she can get through them and be okay.

STRATEGIES FOR THE MONOGAMOUS PARTNER

Being happy in a mono/poly relationship means finding a way to make the relationship work for you. For example, if you know there's something you can't offer a partner, it might take stress off you when your partner finds someone else who can. If you're introverted and your partner is extroverted, polyamory might let you spend time doing things you want while your partner is socializing with another lover. If you see polyamory as a problem to be worked around, you're less likely to be happy than if you find a way to make it benefit you too. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to have multiple relationships yourself; it might mean polyamory gives you the opportunity to explore other interests or hobbies. (We talk more about this in the strategies section, later in this chapter.)

Your partner is poly because he is poly.
There is nothing wrong with you.
No matter who you are, no matter what you could be or do, he would still be poly. If you have a child and you decide to add another, it probably isn't because there's something wrong with the first child. It's about bringing more love and intimacy into your life. Polyamory is the same.

You don't have to make peace with this all at once. It's okay to need time. Polyamory is a radical change, and sometimes it takes a while to process change. There
will
be times when you'll feel jealous or insecure. That's okay. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It's also okay to ask your partner for help when this happens. Not help as in "I don't want you ever to have other partners," but help as in "I need your reassurance and support here." There's nothing wrong with asking your partner to take time to show you why you're valued.

There's nothing wrong with being monogamous. If you don't want other lovers, don't try to force yourself to have other lovers. If you want to explore what it's like, that's one thing, but you don't have to in order to be with a polyamorous person! There's nothing wrong with being who you are. And there's nothing wrong with your partner for being poly. It isn't a moral failing. It isn't because poly people can't commit. That's important to keep in mind. Suggesting that polyamory is a problem or that there's something wrong with your partner is unlikely to make your relationship better.

Your partner's other partners are human beings. It can be hard at times not to resent them. It can be tempting to tell yourself they have no right to be there. That's not true. Polyamory is a valid relationship model, and the people involved in a poly relationship have a right to be there, just as you do. Your partner's other partners are not your enemy. They don't necessarily have to be your family, or even your friends, but respecting them and treating them kindly as people your partner loves, and who add value to your partner's life, will definitely help the relationship run smoothly.

As we like to emphasize, people are not interchangeable. It may seem that if your partner has another lover who is similar to you, or likes the same things you do, then she doesn't need you anymore. But remember, she's non-monogamous and doesn't think that way. She loves you for who you are. Doing something with you is an entirely different experience from doing the same thing with someone else. And if your partner has a lover who's very different from you, it's not a covert way of saying that the different things about you aren't good, wonderful or valuable, or that she wants you to be like someone else.

Accept the reality that your partner
has
other partners! Attempting to hang on to the trappings of monogamy, for example by maintaining a "Don't ask, don't tell" relationship, is likely to create a lot more trouble than it solves. When we don't know what's happening, our fears run wild. We can start to think that all our partner's other partners are far smarter, more dazzling and more sophisticated while we sit at home with the cat. This creates a potent environment for resentment to spread.

Franklin calls denial the "Miami approach" to mono/poly relationships. Imagine that you really want to live in Miami. Sun-drenched beaches and swaying palm trees call out to you. But you find yourself living in New York instead. You're unlikely to succeed in adapting to New York life if you stubbornly insist you're in Miami. If you wear shorts in December and refuse to recognize snow, you'll probably find your unhappiness increasing. You'll be happier if you acknowledge that snow is going to be part of your life, and that New York actually has a lot going for it.

Another strategy that some people try is to create a privileged relationship tier that places the needs of the monogamous person over the needs of anyone else. As we discuss in chapter 11, this is apt to create problems as well.

If you're accustomed to monogamy, every time your partner touches someone else affectionately, that can feel like a rejection of you. This can cause you to pull away from your partner, which makes the feeling even worse. These feelings are hard to address directly, because when you're feeling rejected, the last thing you want to do is make yourself vulnerable by opening up to your partner about what you're feeling. The only way we've found to avoid a self-reinforcing cycle of rejection and defensiveness is to confront the feeling head-on. When your partner is affectionate with someone else, understand that it's not about you. Speak up and ask for support.

STRATEGIES FOR THE POLYAMOROUS PARTNER

You're asking your partner to believe, in the face of overwhelming social messages to the contrary, that you're not looking to replace him; that the reason you're open to other partners is not because there's something wrong with him; that you're not asking for permission to cheat; and that you don't have one foot out the door. That's a lot to deal with. You're asking your partner to accept that having other lovers isn't just a way for you to move from one relationship to the next. Make sure that's true. Make sure you are worthy of that trust.

We can't turn a lifetime of expectations around on a dime. Give your partner space and time. Allow your partner room to experience her emotions, to have freakouts, and to get through to the other side. Be compassionate. As we described above in the section on trust, a huge factor in Mila's relationship was Morgan's ability to give her time and space to process, without blaming her or expecting too much too soon.

Being polyamorous is not a license to do whatever you want. There will be times when your partner struggles and needs your support. Be there. Be supportive. Be willing to hold his hand when things are tough. Be willing to go the extra mile to talk about what you value in him, why you love your relationship with him, and why you want to be with him.

Time management is important in any poly relationship, but especially in a mono/poly relationship. Your partner may not be accustomed to spending time alone. Be transparent about your plans and intentions. Communicate openly about your schedule. Work with your partner to apportion time in a way that works for both of you.

Your partner may never want to explore other relationships, and that's okay. Avoid starting from the idea that your being poly is fair if your partner is "allowed" to have multiple relationships just like you. If your partner doesn't want them, the opportunity to have them isn't a benefit. Don't assume that your partner will suddenly become polyamorous as soon as he discovers how wonderful it is.

STRATEGIES FOR MONO/POLY RELATIONSHIPS

Many strategies for successful mono/poly relationships are the same as for any poly relationships: communication, flexibility, willingness to face discomfort, and all the other things we talk about in this book. In any poly partnership, some people might be off with a different lover while another person is home alone. This happens often. In a mono/poly relationship, it's likely to happen much more often. Because of this, the monogamous partner will benefit from developing a rich life separate from her partner. Hobbies, social activities and other interests can be really helpful.

MILA'S STORY
In her early attempts to adjust to her mono/poly relationship with Morgan, Mila turned to her monogamous friends for support. The advice they gave was unhelpful. They blamed Morgan, told Mila to disregard Morgan and Nina's feelings, told her to put her foot down and say no to the situation. She found herself in the awful position of having to defend Morgan while seeking support.

A turning point for Mila came when she reached out to her local poly community. She found a small monthly discussion group that met her needs for empathy and shared wisdom. She was able to get support and advice for her struggles from people who had experience in poly relationships, and who did not immediately blame all her problems with Morgan on polyamory. They helped her counter some of the internal scripts from monogamous culture that she still struggles with. They helped support her sense that Morgan and his other partners had good intentions toward her and were trustworthy, despite everything she was being told by societal norms and well-meaning mono friends.

The monogamous person needs to have people—preferably outside the relationship—with whom she can talk and process her emotions. But finding such support can be difficult. Ideally such a confidant(e) won't just point to polyamory and say "See, here's the problem!" Yet a person whose relationship background is entirely monogamous might not have poly-friendly friends to confide in. We strongly recommend finding a poly discussion group in your area, if you can. An online search for polyamory in your area can help turn up many of these. Most discussion groups will have several members in mono/poly relationships, and having other such people to turn to can be an invaluable source of support.