More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (49 page)

We don't want to paint a picture that's entirely doom and gloom. As we said, we both know people in happy, successful mono/poly relationships. At the same time, we don't want to whitewash the challenges you may face if you choose this kind of relationship.

CHALLENGES FOR THE MONOGAMOUS PARTNER

A monogamous person embarking on a poly relationship will probably spend some time mourning the loss of the relationship she expected, and coming to terms with polyamory. This is a process. The polyamorous partner needs to treat the process with respect and compassion. A monogamous partner may see polyamory as a problem to be managed, rather than a source of joy for a loved one. She may find it difficult to recognize that polyamory isn't a flaw or a failing; it's a different way of seeing relationships, and a positive one at that.

Many monogamous people we've met try to establish security by limiting what their poly partners do. That's a dangerous road, as we've said, in part because the people who usually suffer the most are the polyamorous person's
other partners.
Monogamous social structures don't equip us to treat a lover's other lovers compassionately. Yet learning to extend compassion to a partner's other lovers is a vital skill in mono/poly relationships.

When a poly person is allowed to invite people into her heart—but not too far—it often creates a situation where everyone is unhappy, and the people who suffer the most also have the least power to ask for things to help end their suffering. This is especially true if those other partners are also poly and want a relationship that includes being part of the family.

FRANKLIN'S STORY
When I started my relationship with Bella, it wasn't the sex that Celeste felt most threatened by. It was the things that normally signify family, like love, cohabitation and planning for the future.

Bella wanted the freedom to love and be loved by me, to participate in my day-to-day life, and even, if the time came, to be able to live with me. Celeste wanted above everything else to be the sole person to fill that role in my life. In my desire to make Celeste feel comfortable and secure, I made it clear to Bella those options were permanently off the table, which caused great pain for both of us and undermined our relationship. Bella felt, rightly, that I had invited her in without
allowing
her in, or giving her a way to ask for what she needed.

CHALLENGES FOR THE POLYAMOROUS PARTNER

In a mono/poly relationship, the poly person may see her monogamous partner's needs as obstacles to be worked around, or as unreasonable expectations to be dealt with. She may feel that if the monogamous person would just
get with the program,
these needs would fall by the wayside. The poly person must recognize that monogamy is not an imposition—it's a valid, healthy and reasonable way to conduct romantic relationships. The monogamous partner isn't unevolved, unenlightened or selfish. There is nothing wrong with wanting one exclusive partner. Compassion for the feelings and expectations of the monogamous partner is essential.

If you are the poly partner of a monogamous person, you have some work to do. What compromises can you make, while still conducting your other relationships with integrity? How can you set boundaries that create a safe space for your monogamous partner, but not at the expense of your other partners? This balancing act requires flexibility, adaptability, self-knowledge and compassion.

ASSUMPTIONS AND SOCIAL EXPECTATIONS

We all carry a pile of social assumptions, which may or may not be true, into our relationships. In poly relationships, some of our standard expectations certainly won't be true.

Expectations are often invisible unless we specifically look for them. In mono/poly relationships, these expectations can be land mines, ready to blow up at any step. Communication is especially vital in mono/poly relationships, because when we don't talk openly about something, the default social norms tend to dominate.

Some of the assumptions Franklin has experienced firsthand from his monogamous partners include ideas like "If you truly love me, I should be enough for you" and "If I am not enough for you, something is wrong with me." This would come up most often in the earliest stages of a new connection. Often Celeste would respond to a new flirtation by asking, "Why aren't the partners you have enough?" or "What's missing from your life that you need to go out and look for something more?"

These are difficult questions to answer, because to a poly person they come from assumptions that don't make sense. Answers such as "It isn't about being 'enough.' Even if I were with partners who were perfect in every way, I'd still be open to new connections," or "Nothing is missing from my life. Relationships aren't about filling in missing spaces"—these were never very satisfying to Celeste.

One of the most difficult hurdles to overcome can be the assumption that a person is polyamorous because something is missing. Sometimes polyamory does offer an opportunity to satisfy an unmet need; we've both met poly people who are interested in BDSM but have a partner who isn't, or who have an asexual partner. But even in those situations, polyamory isn't a reflection on the deficiencies of the monogamous person; it's just a recognition of a difference.

Polyamory can even be a benefit to the monogamous partner. We've both met people who feel guilty over not being able to provide their partners with something. A friend of Franklin's, for instance, is not interested in bondage but has a female partner who absolutely loves it. When she started dating a new partner who was also enthusiastic about bondage, he felt intimidated at first. Would she leave him? After time went by and that didn't happen, he no longer felt guilty about not being able to provide her with what she wanted.

This idea seems easier to grasp for old relationships than for new ones. When Franklin was married to Celeste, he started a relationship with Elaine, who also self-identified as monogamous.
^*
She did not feel threatened by Franklin's two existing partners. Because they predated his relationship with her, it seemed obvious that their existence wasn't a reflection on her worth. However, a year later, when someone else expressed an interest in Franklin, Elaine became very upset and asked, "Why am I not enough? What am I lacking that makes you need to start dating someone else?"

When a monogamous person begins dating a polyamorous person, existing relationships are part of the landscape. Simply being comfortable with existing relationships is not necessarily a good indicator of how much success a monogamous person will have in a mono/poly relationship. Be ready to talk about that.

From the perspective of a monogamous person, polyamory may look like a license to behave indiscriminately. It can be difficult to shake the notion that commitment and exclusivity are the same thing. This can lead to thoughts that a polyamorous person can't or won't commit, and therefore must be unreliable or wildly promiscuous.

Nor is polyamory (necessarily) about a need for sexual variety. Franklin once had a discussion with a monogamous person who asked, "If my partner is polyamorous, can't he be satisfied if we role-play different characters in bed?" Polyamory might look like a need for sexual variety, but a better way to think about it is in terms of openness to deep personal connection, not too different from the way most people are open to making new friends.

Social recognition is also a big issue in the mono/poly relationships we've seen and been part of. A monogamous person in a poly relationship often wants the social recognition that comes with being conventionally partnered, and often feels uncomfortable with public signs of partnership that involve others. Celeste was not comfortable with Franklin holding hands with anyone else in public, and she did not want her social circle to know that Franklin had other partners. She also felt threatened when Franklin's partner Bella wanted to have portraits taken with him. The social recognition as Franklin's partner was important to her and wasn't something she wanted to share.

* You might question Franklin's wisdom in starting two simultaneous mono/poly relationships. You'd probably be right.

MILA'S STORY
In Mila's perfect world, she would have a monogamous relationship with her partner, Morgan. When she fell in love with him, she knew he was poly and that he was already in a relationship with Nina. Intellectually, polyamory made sense to her, but the emotional reality was different. Coming to terms with and even finding joy in her mono/poly relationship with Morgan was not an easy road.

One of the things Mila consistently found triggering were public expressions of Morgan and Nina's relationship. She was deeply hurt when Nina had family photos taken with Morgan and posted them on Facebook. She struggled with the swinging relationship they had with another couple—it wasn't the sex that bothered her, but the fact that Morgan and Nina participated as a couple. And she panicked when Morgan made arrangements for Nina to meet his parents (over the same holiday week, coincidentally, when Mila was to meet them).

Mila was tempted to restrict Morgan's relationship with Nina, particularly displays of public "coupledom." But she chose instead to work through the roots of the feelings. In some cases, she negotiated temporary boundaries with Morgan and Nina, such as restraining public displays of affection when the three of them were at dinner with friends, while she worked through her feelings.

Her biggest fear, she discovered, was of being perceived as a victim or having people feel sorry for her. In the case of meeting Morgan's parents, she found it helped her to be present at the meeting, and to plan with Morgan and Nina beforehand how they would all present a united front. In doing so, she demonstrated to Morgan's parents that she was fully consenting to the situation and had agency in her relationship with Morgan.

Placing restrictions on public affection with other partners usually doesn't work. In our experience, it creates resentment; there can be a sense of being forced into fakery. Sometimes this is just an issue that people need time and space to work through. Sometimes it can be dealt with by inclusion. Franklin and Celeste dealt with Celeste's discomfort around having portraits taken by going together as a group and having portraits taken that showed Franklin and Celeste, that showed Franklin and Bella, and that showed all three. (The portrait photographer handled this with grace.)

MILA'S STORY
During the early months of Mila's relationship with Morgan, sharing him was hard. She had never felt insecure or jealous before. There were lots of tears and emotional outbursts. Mila struggled to set boundaries, to find her bottom line in her relationship with Morgan.

Morgan worked hard with Mila to establish trust. Without his integrity and patience, she's not sure she would have made it through. He said the hard things to her when they needed to be said and never wavered in them—even when it would have been easier to not say them, to let her pretend their relationship was something other than what it was. He created a safe space for her and gave her time to process her feelings. He didn't try to get involved when she was upset or put words in her mouth. He let her be "an emotional wreck" and reassured her that her feelings were okay. She says, "I was allowed to have a hard time, to be insecure. I didn't feel rushed to figure it all out." Ultimately, Morgan's integrity and communication skills were an important part of her motivation to see the relationship through.