Mortal Fear (35 page)

Brahmas interest in skin was starting to sound pathological. I was about to answer based on Erins dark complexion when something stopped me. All of Brahmas victims but onethe Indian womanwere Caucasian.

You played that just right, Miles said from behind me. The synthesized voices had drawn him from his throne in the den. Make an impression, then vanish like the Cheshire cat. You should give Lenz lessons.

Time will tell.

Where did you get that female soul stuff?

I dont know. Ive been trying to put myself inside Erins head. When he asked what I was looking for, that seemed right.

It was. Perfect.

Miles picked up the printouts and scanned them. Whats this? Youre ripping off hair color ads now? In a terrible French accent he cooed, Dont hate me because Im beautiful.

Think about Erin. One thing overrides everything else. Her beauty. Its the central fact of her life. It shaped her whole character. But to herinsideit must be nothing, you know? I mean, nothing and yet everything. At the same time. Just like you being smart.

Miles ran a hand over his flattop. I was right about one thing, anyway.

What?

You can do this. Youve got him going.

One conversation is nothing, and you know it.

Oh, its something. He likes you.

You mean he likes Erin.

He gave me a sidelong glance. If you say so.

What does that mean?

It means you can think what you want, but Erin AndersonI mean Grahamcouldnt have written that conversation if her life depended on it. I mean, she might
feel
those things, but she could never express them. Just like you said. She couldnt step outside herself and analyze her own feelings.

You dont know her that well, Miles. Shes a lot brighter than anyone ever gave her credit for.

I know her better than you think.

What does that mean?

He put down the printouts and looked away. Nothing. Im talking out of my ass.

I grabbed his sleeve. Dont try to crawfish on that line. You said you saw her in New York. Is this something to do with that?

He studied the floor for several moments. Then he looked up, his blue eyes flat with defiance. Look, I fucked her, okay?

My train of thought momentarily derailed. I knew Erin had been promiscuous, but this was a shock. When was this? In New York?

Yeah. Let go of my arm.

He tried to pull away, but I squeezed tighter, at the same time recalling what Lenz said about Miles battering some guy outside a gay bar with martial arts. But the rigidity went out of him, and he broke eye contact again.

It was just one time, okay? Erin showed up at this party I was at in the Village. She was with this singer, a real asshole. She was high, but he was almost comatose. She said hello to me, then walked away. About an hour later she came back and asked if I could give her a ride. She didnt want to go back to their hotel. We ended up at my place.

And?

And
what,
man? You want gory details?

Yes.

He took a deep breath, then blew it out in one hard rush. We talked for a long time. She told me shed always thought I was gay.

I was sorry Id asked the question, but too late. Miles was reliving the moment.

If anyone else from home had suggested that, Id have flipped out, brained them. But not her. She was so frank about it. She wasnt judgmental at all, just interested. We talked about it for a while, and then... she made love to me. It was unbelievable. Harper, she was everything Id ever longed for in a woman and had never found.

Miles

No, let me finish. I think... she sensed the pain I was in at that time, and she was trying to heal me. Isnt that funny? Because she was twice as screwed up as I was. Her whole life has been a tragedy, if you ask me. But that was her nature, I could tell. She was whatever people needed. As if through her, they could move to some better place. You know what I mean?

Yes.

God knows what kind of degrading crap she put up with from assholes like that singer.

And she just left you after that?

The next morning she woke up looking like an angel that had crash-landed in my apartment by mistake. She called a cab, kissed me on the forehead, and disappeared from my life forever.

I shook my head in wonder.

Thats why I knew that female soul stuff was right on. Thats her, man. Thats what she needs.

She told you that?

Not in those words. Like I said, she was... I dont know, emotionally farsighted, maybe. She could see other peoples problems clearly but couldnt focus on her own.

Thats her, all right.

He smiled with compassion. I wont ask where you got your insights.

It was different with us, but not too different. Its like a dream sequence in the middle of my life.

And it never goes away.

Not completely, no.

Thats why you picked her, isnt it?

What do you mean?

Because shes haunting. Tragic. She has this unresolvable tension. She pulls men like a force of gravity.

After this strange moment of communion, Miles picked up the transcripts and shuffled through them. Printers low on toner, he said, holding up a sheet with letters so faint I could barely read them. Got another cartridge?

No.

We can take the cartridge from the printer on your Gateway. Good thing theyre both LaserJets.

We dont have to, I told him, glad to be able to hide my awkwardness in a mechanical task. I walked to a shelf and took down a tall white plastic bottle.

Whats that? he asked. Toner?

Yep.

You refill your own cartridges?

Out here in the boonies, its the only way to fly.

Isnt it a pain?

I shook my head. With Miles staring in rapt attention, I removed and partially disassembled the wedge-shaped toner cartridge from the Hewlett-Packard printer with a tool called a screw-starter. Then, so as not to end up looking like a coal miner after a cave-in, I very carefully removed the plug from the toner reservoir and refilled the empty space with the ultrafine black powder that constitutes the ink of a laser printer.

Thats it? Miles asked.

I replugged the reservoir and replaced the cartridge cover. Ready to go.

As I reloaded the cartridge into the printer, he pretended to write a note on his palm and said, A new job for my assistants.

But the fallout from his earlier revelation still hung in the air, like ozone after a lightning strike. I walked over to my minifridge and took out a Tab.

Why dont you scan for Brahma? he suggested.

I doubt hes still on.

Youre the one who broke contact. No reason to think hes closed up shop.

Using Miless search program, it took less than a minute to locate Maxwell in another private room. There, true to his habits of the past three days, he was conversing with Lilith. Again the voices confirmed my suspicion: there was a lot more information flowing from Dr. Lenz to Brahma than the other way around.

Lenzs plan isnt working, I said over my shoulder.

Why do you say that?

Because hes not learning a damn thing about Brahma.

Hes not supposed to, is he? Hes just laying out bait, hoping to provoke Brahma to come after him.

But he
is
trying to find out things. In between his neo-Gothic revelations, anyway. Listen to him. The stuff he spews out makes
Deliverance
look like a Disney film.

Miles shrugged as if to say, What can I do about it?

I half listened to Lilith for a minute, but my mind was elsewhere. Hows your Trojan Horse coming?

Its got tendinitis, Miles said sullenly.

What?

Ill get there.

You going to tell me how it works?

Until you get Brahma heated up, it doesnt really matter, does it?

I was about to tell him to kiss off when he sighed an apology. Look, itll work or it wont, okay? Lets take a break.

I held up my hands for a truce. In the background, Liliths voice droned on, dredging up dark sexual secrets from her past and clumsilyto my ear, at leastpressing Maxwell to respond in kind. Brahma tolerated the probes with uncharacteristic docility, but he refused to be drawn out. As the conversation progressed, I could not escape the feeling that Dr. Lenz was greedily reeling in not valuable information but rope.

Just enough to hang himself.

Last night I dreamed of Erin making love to Miles. My memory is a traitor that way. The images Id most like to wipe away cling to life with the tenacity of weeds, while those I want to treasure fade like the blush on a rose.

This morning Drewe left before I woke up. I fought to stay asleep while Miles fixed himself an omelette and commandeered the television in the den, but it was no use. He had me checking windows and trolling EROS before I could even get a bowl of cereal.

Brahma logged on as Maxwell early, but when Lilith started into one of her long monologues, he cut the conversation short and logged off. Miles wandered in and did some coding at his laptop, then drifted back to the TV. After watching CNN for a while, I walked into the backyard to verify that the tomatoes in our garden were as scorched as theyd been last week. They were. Then I walked around front and stared up the highway long enough to make sure Deputy Billy was at his post. He was.

About ten-thirty, I logged back onto EROS as SYSOP. I didnt expect much. Morning traffic is mostly Level One stuff, medical questions or lonely hearts looking for a shoulder to cry on. A quick cruise through Level Two also showed what I expected: soft-core exchanges involving roguish dukes and hard-won ladies (which I knew from long experience were frequently two women taking opposite sides of a romantic fantasy).

Then I clicked into Level Three. The lobbies were mostly empty. Out of curiosity, I peeked into some private rooms. Most of it was gay actionmen in some rooms, women in othersplus a few dominance sessions.
Then, in a gossip lobby I rarely visited, I found some people discussing the murder of Karin Wheat. They were obviously fans, and speculation about who had killed the author ranged from her jealous and grossly overweight ex-husband to a crazed fan who lost sight of the line between fact and fiction. Meaning to join the conversation, I logged in as Erin. Ten seconds later a window appeared in the center of my screen. In it was a prompt followed by single line of text, which EROSs voice duly read:

My skin went cold. I sat paralyzed for a moment. Then I looked at the window on the left of my screen, which listed the code names of everyone in the lobby. Sure enough, Prometheus was there. I had got so used to looking at Maxwell that this older alias of Brahmas had slipped right by me.

Yanking off the headset, I sealed its mike shut with my thumb and shouted, Miles! Get your ass in here! Then I put the headset back on, said yes into the mike, and clicked into the Blue Room. Instantaneously, these words appeared:

Even as I heard Miless feet pounding the floor, I answered into the mike and watched my words appear on-screen:

Miles was standing beside me by then. Hit the space bar if you want to tell me something, he whispered in my ear. It mutes the mike.

I was tempted to ask him about the Beatles reference, but instead I pressed the space bar and said, Miles, this guy

Say something to him! Miles snapped, popping me on the shoulder.

I fired an elbow into his leg and held down the space bar. Listen, goddamn it! I just figured something out.

What?

I logged on first as SYSOP, not Erin, and he didnt see me spying on the lobby he was in. It was only when I switched to Erin that he noticed me.

He wasnt aware you were lurking as SYSOP?

Exactly.

That means he probably doesnt have SYSOP access himself!

I know. Now get out of here. I need quiet.

Remember the Trojan Horse, Miles said, walking backward. Make him want you. Then he stepped out of the office and closed the door behind him.

Brahmas voice pulled my attention back to the screen.

This was true. Twice during our interlude in Chicago, Erin sat in bed reading the
Tribune
obits aloud and making up outrageous stories that supposedly lay behind the sanitized life summaries of the rich and prominent.

Dj vu prickled across my neck and arms. For a moment I saw Arthur Lenz sitting at his computer in Virginia, pretending to be Maxwell as easily as he pretended to be Lilith. Then I remembered that Lenz had used the same shrink routine on Brahma. Brahma could merely be echoing the psychiatrists questions with me, consciously or not. Maybe Lenz provoked more of a response in him than I thought.

I didnt respond. Hed get it fast enough.