Mother Be The Judge (13 page)

Another pastime for Adrian online was networking with other like-minded souls. If he found the right website by typing in trigger words like, 'young girl' 'school girl sucks' etc. he could open up a whole network of men
and
women who enjoyed the same passion as Adrian. He had discovered sites where he could download movies of girls, just his type, performing sexual acts and not always willingly. Adrian particularly like the more barbaric movies where sex was forced and brutal; snuff movies were high on Adrian's agenda of something to watch but these were very difficult to come across, even online. Adrian had to content himself with his own homemade snuff movie which played often, over and over in his head. He made a decision that should the opportunity ever arise again he would make sure he had a video camera so he could capture the moment when his angel's faces went from surprise and confusion to pain and then finally into the serenity of love when he delivered them into heaven.

-x-

Adrian finished his shift at Big Value, the mornings thoughts swimming around and around in his mind. He went to the Dixons electrical store and bought himself a handheld camera and video recorder. It was small enough to fit in his pocket so he could carry it around with him wherever he went. He made his way to the library, not bothering to stop off at home; he didn't want his mother to sour his day. As he sat in his favourite chair in the library, he manoeuvred his camera to the side of his leg. By positioning it just right he believed he would be able to take footage of what delights lay hidden under Tiffany's skirt. He sat back with a book he had just grabbed from a shelf on his way in; looking at it now he wished he had bothered to choose a book, he was not going to enjoy the next few hours in the company of Bubbles Blower, 'My Story.' Adrian tried to read it but even he didn't have the patience to read the autobiography of an airheaded porn star, so had to pick up his camera and go hunt for a proper book. He took his time then settled for a novel about a dog, the content wasn't really that important but he would rather flick through that than see images of Bubble's triumphs in the porn industry.

Adrian settled into his book, his camera once again primed and ready for the arrival of Tiffany. She turned up at about 4pm and smiled at Adrian as she sat down.

"Hi." Adrian said, "How are you today?"

"Ok," said Tiffany.

Both settled into their chairs; Tiffany took out her books and pens and Adrian surreptitiously pressed record on his camera. Inside he had butterflies in his stomach and was filled with anticipation. The hunt was on, he thought, it may take a bit of time but time he had plenty of. He had Tiffany on his hook now and he was prepared to take things at her pace, because when his time came; the pace, the place and the girl would be solely on
his
terms.

Chapter 18

'Pure love and suspicion cannot dwell together; at the door where the latter enters, the former makes its exit.'

Alexandre Dumas Pere

April 2012

Jocasta was lonely. Every morning she would wake up, still in the same bedroom with the same bed, same curtains, same carpet and same lumpy, hairy, ugly body she lived in.

Adrian was a man now, no longer in need of his mother's love and attention. When at home he would adhere to her joint meals, although that was the only concession he made towards her and the meals were often eaten in silence; Adrian eating so fast Jocasta believed he barely tasted the food she so lovingly prepared for him.

Where Jocasta had spent the last twenty years contenting herself with being a mother, her constant solitude and feelings of uselessness were now becoming hard to bear. If Jocasta had ever been accepted by people, she believed she could have been the life and soul of any party. She remembered fondly her month in Mykonos, her time with Avram and her nights of fun and passion with him.

Jocasta knew it was time for her to cut the cords with Adrian, to accept he had become a man, to be proud of what she had achieved as a mother and to allow herself to move on and at last have a life to remember. As she was still on benefits, Jocasta knew it wasn't so simple as to pack her bags and make for somewhere hot. She needed to get back into employment and needed to get trained on computers. There was no way she could apply for a job if she didn't know how to put words in Windows or put a boot up wherever it was they put it. Jocasta got dressed and resolved to visit the job centre where she could be put onto training courses to get what she needed, to go back out into the world of the living.

-x-

16
th
May 2012

12:00 hours

Having spent the last month on a Windows 8, PowerPoint and Excel training programme at the Adult Learning Centre, Jocasta was beginning to feel like a human being again; no longer just a mother but an adult who was capable of work, holding down their own and contributing towards society. It gave her a great self-respect and she was proud of what she had achieved. Jocasta had passed the course with flying colours; the computer which had filled her with apprehension when she first sat in front of it was actually the friendliest thing she'd met in her whole life. There were no special codes or convoluted equations as she had imagined; the computer spoke English, everything was clear with 'help' just a click of a button away. She had flown through the tasks set for her by the tutor and had begun a very loving relationship with the hard drive of the Hewlett Packard allocated to her. Jocasta could not believe she had spent so much of her life in solitude when a computer had been in Adrian's room for the last eight years. She lamented the stuff she had missed because she hadn't taken the World Wide Highway many moons ago.

Jocasta was beginning to understand what it meant to be an adult again; it wasn't just about being a mother. Life didn't have to stop just because someone else was dependent on you. People can and
did
enjoy the best of both worlds. Feeling ready to step out into mankind and hopeful she may actually make some friends, Jocasta began to hunt for a job. As she had previously worked in a doctor's surgery, that's where Jocasta started looking. Several C.V.s and hundreds of job applications later and Jocasta now found herself waiting for an interview just around the corner from where she lived.

-x-

Jocasta had taken her time getting ready for the interview; having had nothing to get dressed up for in the past twenty years, her wardrobe was limited to black leggings and baggy tops, all bought in Big Value and none which could pass for smart. Jocasta didn't think a t-shirt proclaiming, 'Elvis is King', was very appropriate either so decided she had to visit the local store and spend some of her emergency money. She visited Primani which was within her budget and found a plus size range which she could squeeze her now hefty bulk into. Loneliness had many downsides and eating for comfort was probably the worst. No food item lasted long in Jocasta's kitchen and her body was paying the price. Thankfully Primani sympathised with the larger woman and Jocasta was able to buy a pair of black trousers and three smart tops for less than twenty pounds. Jocasta gave a silent thank you for Chinese sweatshops as she had paid for her items at the till.

-x-

The Human Resources Manager approached Jocasta with a smile, holding out her hand in anticipation of a handshake.

"Jocasta Brown?" She asked.

"Yes, Hi," said Jocasta, shaking the outstretched hand. She felt sick with nerves; this was an experience she hadn't had since she had first applied for a similar position more than thirty years ago. She was determined to start a new phase in her life, however, so she smiled back, took a deep breath and followed the manager into an office for the interview which would determine her future as not just Adrian's mother, but an independent woman.

The interview went on for about half an hour and Jocasta felt she had answered all the questions well. She remembered a lot of what went on in her previous job; well, it had consumed her life at the time. It seemed the only thing that had changed since
her
time was that the appointments were made on the computer. Everything else remained the same, they still held paper records for the patients and were still expected to keep the patients away from the doctors unless absolutely necessary. Unbelievably Jocasta was offered the job on the spot. The manager had told her that it was nice to interview someone so keen and who had an obvious passion for the work. She was asked to return the following Monday for staff training and to pick up her new I.D card.

-x-

Jocasta waddled home as fast as her chubby legs could carry her, she couldn't wait to cook a lovely dinner and surprise Adrian with her news. Jocasta knew how much she had relied on Adrian in the past years and could understand he found her somewhat of a burden. She was happy to now be able to offer Adrian his freedom from her and hoped it may bring them closer. She thought if they both lived their lives as equals now - both working adults - then they could exchange stories about their working day. Conversations would be enjoyable and she could contribute more to them, rather than giving a blow by blow account of how she had cleaned and scrubbed the flat or how she had put a new duvet cover on in under two minutes. Jocasta arrived at the flat and called out Adrian's name; it was nearly 4pm and he would usually be home although he had been spending longer and longer at the library these days.

Wanting to show Adrian her now proficient skills on the computer and feeling uber confident in herself, Jocasta decided to take an unusual step and go into Adrian's bedroom. She would surprise him by giving it a thorough clean as she was certain he would not have ever pulled out the bed and cleared the build of up of dust and cobwebs which would be under there, along with errant socks and mouldy half eaten sandwiches. Then she intended to go onto Adrian's computer and produce a banner heralding her new work appointment.

She dragged the hoover into the room and retrieved her polish and duster from under the sink, then set about cleaning. Jocasta knew Adrian may be a bit put out that she had broken his rule of no entry, but intended to do such a good job he would forgive her indiscretion.

Jocasta started with picking up the dirty clothes from the floor, then moved onto cleaning small bits of rubbish; receipts, crisp packets etc. taking them out of the room in a black bag. She polished the window sill and the tops of Adrian's chest of drawers then set about changing his grey bed sheets, made all the greyer because she knew he hadn't changed them for over a month despite her relentless pleading for him to put the sheets in the wash. Jocasta pulled out the single bed and found a Scooby Doo figure jammed into the space between the headboard and the mattress; she remembered fondly Adrian's face when he had opened that particular present. Jocasta moved the bed further but it stuck in the confines of the room. She realised the only way to get the bed completely out of the way was to remove the mattress and split the bottom of the Divan where its base was held together by a brass fitting. She heaved the heavy mattress off the bed and pushed it out into the hallway then turned back to look at the bed's base, ready to tackle the fitting.

What Jocasta saw lying on the rectangle of wood and cloth, made her stop in her tracks. A pair of pink knickers lay on top of a magazine. Jocasta heard a rush of blood in her ears and her subconscious screamed at her to turn and walk away, but she couldn't. She reached for the knickers, putting her two hands in the waistband and pulling them open so she could gauge the size of them. It was clear and the label confirmed to her that they belonged to a child of ten to eleven years. Looking down once again, Jocasta now reached for the shiny pages of the magazine which proclaimed, 'Barely Legal' on the front cover. Opening the front page, Jocasta's eyes were assaulted by pictures of what could only be described as girls, or at least women pretending to be girls, dressed in school uniforms and flashing their hairless vaginas for all of the world to see.

Flashbacks from Savannah West hit Jocasta's brain like a turbulent storm sending not only images of Adrian's wet legged entrance into their flat but the images now gave aggressive and explicit suggestions as to how Adrian may be responsible for Savannah's death.

Jocasta stood and replaced the knickers and magazine, then covered it with the mattress. Working on autopilot now, she put on the new sheets, hoovered the room then left, closing Adrian's door behind her. She went into the kitchen and cooked Adrian's dinner, no longer thinking to make anything special. She put the dinner on the table and then sat in her spot awaiting the arrival of her son. It was time to face the truth.

-x-

4pm came and went with no sign of Adrian. Jocasta ate her dinner and then ate Adrian's dinner also as she could think of nothing else to do. She cleared the plates and put the dirty dishes into the sink then slowly washed them. As her hands made their circular movements around the plates, Jocasta considered what she had found. The magazine was one which was readily available on the top shelf of any newsagents; she had seen them stacked there every time she had perused the shelves. Had this been her only find, Jocasta could imagine herself tittering at Adrian's cheekiness and congratulating herself that at least he wasn't gay. The knickers on the other hand, she had trouble excusing. They were definitely meant for a ten year old girl, the label had confirmed that. The knickers could belong to anyone. They may have been found in the street or even stolen by Adrian from Big Value. Jocasta couldn't shake the image of Adrian's wet legs from her mind; this seemed to be the one factor which tied the whole thing together. It was so hard for Jocasta to allow these seeds of suspicion into her mind. There were big barriers surrounding that part of her brain; keeping good thoughts in and bad thoughts out, but these circumstances had been like a sledgehammer smashing the barriers down.

Now Jocasta considered Savannah, the little girl she had never brought to mind before; preferring instead to concentrate on Adrian's plight. Savannah, the sweet little girl she had seen in the playground; that had been with Lacey when Adrian had sent them a paper plane; yet another memory which Jocasta had buried in her unwillingness to blame Adrian. That poor Savannah, who had been brutally raped and murdered, possibly at the hands of her own son. Fragile Savannah who's life had been taken away from her, never again would she play or sing or talk or laugh a sweet laugh. Jocasta then focused her attention on Savannah's mother. She remembered how it felt when Adrian had been sick in hospital. How desperately upset and useless she felt and how physically the pain of loss had affected her. Jocasta knew Savannah's mother must wake daily lamenting the loss of her daughter, seeing her face in everything which reminded her of Savannah; every TV programme she had loved, every drink she enjoyed, every time she had sat in the now empty chair around the dining table. Savannah's mother had lost her very reason for existing; Jocasta would not have blamed her if she had committed suicide as she couldn't imagine her own life without Adrian in it. She wondered how all of this could possibly have happened. Where did Adrian get his desires from? Jocasta had never even discussed the facts of life with him, preferring to let the school undertake that particular task. How had a sweet, loving, good child become a depraved, vile and evil beast? Nothing had happened in Adrian's life for him to feel the need to rebel; he had every whim catered to, he was never abused, never smacked and
never
told, 'No'.

Jocasta could only bring it down to one factor - her. It must be
her
fault. It was her DNA, her blood running through Adrian's body. She had carried him, given birth to him and nurtured him, the only reason he was physically able to carry out these vile acts was because of the limbs she had created for him. No, she decided, it wasn't Adrian's fault; it was hers. She was the devil, it was the only explanation. Jocasta decided the only thing which saved this whole situation was that nothing had happened since Savannah's death. No further child had gone missing. No one had come knocking on her door accusing Adrian of wrongdoing. It was very possible that Savannah's death had been a mistake, a terrible tragedy never meant to happen. Adrian must have been devastated to know he had committed a cardinal sin, the worst sin any human could commit. Jocasta realised her poor Adrian had had to carry the burden of his guilt for the last four years, never able to share what happened for fear no one could understand. Believing this, was the only way Jocasta could make herself breathe again. The only way her heart could beat and she could retain any love for her son. She had to believe this was all one catastrophic mistake and whilst no other girls were hurt and no mistakes were made, Jocasta resolved to keep Adrian's secret. She didn't want to broach the subject with him, one, because she didn't feel able to soothe the pain he must feel knowing he was party to such a terrible accident and, two, because she was frightened Adrian might tell her a truth she didn't really want to hear. It was going to take her a long time to forgive Adrian this sin, she could feel tendrils of love recoiling away from Adrian and springing back into her heart. It would serve her better to forget this suspicion or her love may gradually turn to hate.