Mother For His Children, A (14 page)

Ruthy nodded. There was no way to answer the woman without hurting her feelings further.

“I'm an old woman, Ruth.”

“You're not that old....”

“The arthritis makes me old. Levi is right.” Eliza waved her hand around her small house. “This is no place for two lively girls, as much as I'd like to have them here.” She sighed, slumped in her chair. “I try to fight it. I try to make myself believe it isn't too late for me to have a family....” Her voice drifted off and Ruthy shifted in her chair. Would she ever figure out Eliza's swiftly changing moods?

She took a drink of her coffee, and then gave Ruthy a sad smile. “I know why Levi wants to marry you, but why do you want to marry him?”

Ruth took a sip of her own coffee. It was cold. “I love the children, and I like living in Indiana....”

“Why did you come here, Ruth? What did you leave behind in Lancaster County?”

Ruthy looked at Eliza. Could she trust this woman enough to confide in her? “I left because there was no future for me at home.”

“So you decided to be a
maidle.
”

“I didn't decide. God made my calling clear through someone else's actions.”

“But now Levi comes along and you don't need to be a
maidle
anymore. You can have a husband and children. A family just waiting for you to step in.”

Ruthy shook her head. “That isn't how it is at all. You make me sound like some desperate girl who was jilted at the altar and is now grasping at any straw that comes along.”

“If that isn't how it is, then tell me. Why do you want to marry my brother?”

Ruthy took another swallow of her cold coffee. “There was a man at home that I was planning to marry....”

“Ahhh...” Eliza leaned back in her chair.

“He... Well, he married someone else.”

Eliza remained silent.

“He married my best friend. They had...betrayed me in the worst way.”

Eliza nodded. “And you couldn't stay at home, alone and unwed, while they were happy with each other.”

All the hurt and anger rushed back as Ruthy thought of the last time she had seen them, so smug and joyful with each other.

“
Ne,
of course not.” She raised her eyes to Eliza's. “Would you be able to do that? Would you have been able to forgive them for what they had done?”

“I'm not the one God placed in this situation. You're the one who needs to make the decision to forgive them.”

“I don't think I can. It isn't that easy.”

Eliza snorted. “Of course it isn't easy. Life isn't easy. It's hard and only gets harder until we reach our heavenly home.” Eliza stood and took her empty coffee cup to the sink. “But God gives us family and friends to make the journey easier.”

Ja,
Eliza was right. When she could forget about Elam and Laurette, she was thankful for the life she had. Even a future with Levi, with a man who didn't love her, held hope...as long as she kept that black memory at bay.

“Does Levi know you were going to marry someone else?”

“I told him there had been another man, but that it was over between us.”

“So now we're back to my question.” Eliza took her seat at the table again. “Why do you want to marry my brother?”

“He...he's a good man. He's honorable and faithful. He loves his family. He's kind....”

“
Ach,
Ruth, you could be describing your favorite dog! Tell me—do you love him?”

Ruthy squirmed in her chair. Did she love Levi Zook?

Eliza threw up her hands and slumped back in her chair. “You young people are going to be the death of me. If you don't love him, how can you think of navigating through all the things life will bring you?”

“I know I like him, and I think I can learn to love him.”

Eliza nodded, satisfied. “And does he love you?”

Ruthy shook her head. “I don't think so. He still loves his wife, doesn't he?”

“What makes you think he doesn't love you?”

“He never tries to...” Ruthy faltered. How could she share such intimate details?

“He never tries to what?”

“He's never kissed me.”

Eliza laughed. “I wouldn't worry about that. I've seen the way he looks at you. The kissing will come.”

“
Ne,
I don't think so. He's only marrying me so his children will have a mother.”

“So why did you agree, if you're not sure you love him?”

“A
maidle
has no home.” Eliza nodded and Ruthy went on. “You are alone, but you have a home, a place where you belong. A
maidle
belongs nowhere and to no one. When I marry Levi Zook, I will be needed and loved by the children. I'll have a purpose in my life and a permanent home.”

“And when the children grow up and leave? What will you have then?”

“I'll still have a home. That's more than I would have if I never married.”

“But you said God called you to stay unmarried....”

“Until I met Levi, I thought that was true.”

Eliza sighed, shaking her head. “I can tell you're both determined to see this through, but let me tell you one thing. I'm going to tell Levi that I will no longer ask for any of his children to come here, if he chooses to marry or not.”

“You're satisfied that I'll be a good mother to them?”

“I'm satisfied that my brother will do anything to keep those children of his away from me.”

Ruthy cringed at the raw feeling in Eliza's voice. “That isn't what he's thinking at all. He just wants to keep his family together.”

“He wants it enough to marry a stranger,
ja?
” Ruthy sputtered, but Eliza held up her hand. “
Ne,
don't carry on so. Even if Levi is only marrying you to provide a mother for his children...well, many have married for worse reasons.” She struggled to her feet and Ruthy rose with her. “Let's go tell him he doesn't have to marry you. Maybe he'll throw you over and you'll be able to marry someone you really love.”

 

Chapter Fourteen

L
evi didn't throw her over.

He had come out of Eliza's barn when he saw them emerge from the house and listened to Eliza's news without a word. He only continued removing Champ's blanket and folding it, and then turned to Eliza when she had finished.

“After all this time, all the worry you've put me through, you've decided you don't want the girls?”

“You know I only wanted what was best for all....”

Levi raised his hand to stop her words. His face was stormy, his breath blowing clouds in the frosty air. Ruthy thought he had been angry the day the girls had found the chest of their mother's clothes in his room, but she had never seen him like this.

“You always want what's best for you, Eliza. You've caused heartache for my children, sleepless nights for me and forced me to pursue marriage with a woman I didn't love.”

Ruthy recoiled from his words. She knew he didn't love her, but to hear it so bluntly nearly brought her to tears. She stumbled to the door of the buggy and climbed in.

“Levi Zook, how dare you...”

“How dare I? Eliza, one day you'll regret your high-handed ways.” Levi shoved his wide-brimmed hat more firmly on his head. “You're invited to the wedding. It will be on the last Tuesday of the month. Until then, goodbye.”

Levi climbed into the buggy and slid the door closed with a bang. Backing Champ until he was far enough to turn without running Eliza down, Levi guided him down the short drive and then onto the road. He slapped the reins on the horse's back, urging him to the quick trot Champ loved.

Ruthy sat as far away from the man as she could on the narrow bench seat. He thought there was still going to be a wedding? After that outburst? She could marry a man who might grow to love her someday, but she wouldn't marry a man who resented her presence even before they took their vows.

“Take me home, Levi Zook.” She forced down the tears that threatened to turn her into a sobbing mess.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean I want you to take me home.”

Levi slowed Champ and pulled him to a halt at the side of the road.

“Did my sister say something to upset you?”

Ruthy turned so she could see his face. “Your sister?
Ne,
Levi Zook. You don't remember your own words?”

“I...
Ach,
I was too harsh with her.” He pulled off one glove and rubbed his hand over his face. “I was so angry with her, I didn't even think...” He stopped and looked at her. “You don't think I would ever treat you that way, do you?”

The tears pushed against the lump in her throat. Ruthy looked away from him. “You said she...she forced you to pursue marriage with a woman you didn't love. I know you don't love me, Levi Zook, but I don't want you to feel like you're forced to marry me.”

“I made a mess of things, for sure.” Levi slapped the reins on Champ's back, pulling the horse into a U-turn on the road. “If you misunderstood me, then I know Eliza did, too. I have to go back and apologize to her.”

“You think I misunderstood you? You were pretty plainspoken from what I could tell.”

Levi glanced at her. “When I said that I was talking about Ellie Lapp.”

“Bram's Ellie?”
Ja,
now she remembered Waneta talking about her father wanting to marry Ellie.

“Before Bram moved here, everyone—at least my sister and Ellie's parents—thought we were the perfect match. Her husband had died, I had just lost Salome, and we both had children we needed to raise.”

“But you didn't marry.”

“We didn't get very far along that path. I don't think she likes me very much.”

“You don't feel forced to marry me? Doesn't what Eliza said change the situation?”

Levi turned to her. “You mean about not asking for the girls to come live with her anymore?”

“She thought you might not feel the need to marry me if she stopped putting pressure on you. You could just hire another housekeeper....”

“Why do you think Eliza would change my mind? She might have been the reason I started looking for someone to come and help us, but she isn't the reason I asked you to marry me.”

“But when you first asked me...you said you wanted to keep your family together....”

Levi combed his fingers through his beard, staring out the windshield. Champ trotted on.

“I had more than that one reason for asking you to marry me, Ruth.”

Ruthy's hopes fluttered, then stilled. He didn't love her.

“Your children still need a mother, I suppose.”

“
Ja,
they do, but there's more than that. I like you, the children like you. You've brought something to our home that has been missing....”

Fixing her eyes on the snowy fields at the side of the road, Ruthy fumed. Did the word
love
have no place in this man's vocabulary?

“I don't want to live without you, Ruth.” Levi took her mittened hand in his until she turned so he could see her face. “I want you beside me for the rest of my life.”

Ruthy gave him a quick smile, and then turned to face forward again. He liked her, he wanted to be with her. It wasn't love, maybe, but she could live with what he was offering. If he decided he loved her later? She would face that when the time came.

* * *

By the time Levi unhitched Champ and turned him into his box stall late that afternoon, he was exhausted. Eliza had accepted his apology quickly, as he knew she would, but the strain still wore him down. When would he learn to curb his tongue when he spoke to his sister?

Ruth had been quiet for the remainder of the trip. Even their stop at the store in Middlebury had failed to arouse any enthusiasm, except one time. While he was paying for the new skimming disks for the cream separator, he noticed she paused at a display of washstand bowls and pitchers. She had reached out to finger one with a delicate blue-flower decoration, and then pulled her hand back as if she were afraid to admire it.

That image had stayed with him all afternoon. Would she like something like that? It would make a nice gift for her. Something for her to remember their wedding day.

What kind of wedding would it be, though, when he couldn't even tell her how he felt? When his mind went back over their conversation in the buggy, he wanted to kick himself. He liked her? The children liked her? Why couldn't he say what he wanted to? That she brought light into his home, that he thought she was beautiful, that he... He couldn't bear the thought of marrying her on her terms, and he couldn't bear the idea of not marrying her at all.

Glancing at the house, windows glowing in the soft dusk, he sighed. A wall stood between them, a wall that shouldn't be between two people talking of marriage. But he couldn't get over it or past it, and he would never be able to go through it unless she let him. Until then, he could be patient. He could wait.

* * *

Ruthy steeled herself for the questioning she knew was coming. Bishop Yoder needed to confirm that she was a baptized church member, that she was marrying Levi of her own free will and that she had nothing in her past that would prevent her from entering this marriage.

Her stomach turned as Levi pulled Champ to a stop outside Bishop's house. While her feelings concerning Elam and Laurette wouldn't prevent her from marrying Levi, she hated the thought that she would need to bring them up. If asked, she had to tell the bishop and Levi why Elam had thrown her over for Laurette when she would rather just forget the whole thing ever happened.

She followed Levi out of the buggy and up the walk to the front door. Bishop lived in a little
Dawdi Haus
on his son's farm, separate from the main house and outbuildings so that people who came to him for counsel would have some privacy.

After knocking on the door, Levi reached for her mittened hand and gave it a small squeeze. The gesture calmed her nerves. Did Levi know how hard this interview would be for her?

The door opened and Bishop motioned them in. “Good evening, good evening. Come and sit down. I expected you to come by.” The old man caught Ruthy's hand as she walked past and she looked into his eyes. “I'm so glad you have come to live in our community, Ruth Mummert.”

“
Denki,
Bishop. I am, too.”

Levi had already taken a seat at Bishop's square table in the center of the kitchen, and Ruthy sat across from him.

“You're here to talk about your coming marriage?” Bishop sat carefully in his chair, settling himself on a cushion and leaning his cane against the table.

“That's right.” Levi glanced at Ruthy, and when she nodded in agreement he went on. “Last week when I asked you to announce the wedding, you said you wanted to talk to both of us before we went any further.”

The bishop turned to Ruthy. His kind face and gentle smile put her at ease, and she answered his questions one by one.
Ja,
she was a baptized member of her church in Bird-in-Hand and planned to continue her membership here in Eden Township.
Ja,
she was entering into this marriage willingly.

“No reservations?” Bishop Yoder peered at her closely.

Ruthy glanced at Levi. He was studying some imperfection in the table's wood grain, as if he were waiting to hear her answer.

“Ne.”
Ruthy shook her head. “No reservations.”

“Before I ask this next question, I must tell you Levi has already shared with me that you were to marry a young man in Pennsylvania, but that agreement has come to an end.”

Ruthy nodded. “
Ja,
that is right.”

“Are there any sinful actions or thoughts from your past that need to be repented of before entering into this sacred union?”

Ruthy's tongue dried into a stiff board. “I...” She looked at Levi. He was looking at her. Waiting for her answer. She would never forgive Elam and Laurette, but was that a sin? It was as a drop of water in an ocean compared to what she had suffered as a result of their actions.

“
Ne,
Bishop, I have no sin I need to repent of.”

Ruthy heard Bishop Yoder ask Levi the same questions he had asked her, but her thoughts were on her statement. She hadn't been asked to share any details of her past with Elam, and she hadn't sinned against anyone, so why did her words keep echoing in her mind like some loose gate banging in the wind?

Finally Bishop Yoder was satisfied, and closed their time together in a prayer. Ruthy closed her eyes, but the old man's words flew past her without resting. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She was just nervous about the approaching wedding. It had nothing to do with her feelings about Elam and Laurette.

* * *

When Bishop Yoder made the announcement of the coming wedding at the end of worship on Sunday, the women sitting near Ruthy hardly waited for the word of dismissal before turning to her.

“
Ach,
what a surprise!” Ellie Lapp reached over the children to give Ruthy a hug. “I had a feeling you were just the right one for Levi, but I didn't know it would happen so soon.”

Annie Beachey had to settle for a handshake of congratulations as the other women crowded around to extend their best wishes for her happiness. Ruthy gave up trying to match names with faces and let herself enjoy the welcome.

Elizabeth Stoltzfus enveloped her in a motherly hug, and Ruthy clung to her for a brief moment. “Levi is such a
gut
man,” Elizabeth said, holding Ruthy at arm's length and smiling at her. “I hope both of you will be very happy.”

Ruthy felt her face go red as she glanced across the room at Levi, who was shaking hands with the men of the church. “
Ja,
he is a
wonderful-gut
man.
Denki.
”

After dinner, Annie and Ellie pulled Ruthy into a quiet corner.

“The last time we met for church, you let us go on and on about how you and Levi would make a good match, and you never gave us a hint of what was happening,” Annie said, hitching little Elias up on her hip.

Ellie watched her as she tried to come up with an answer for Annie. “I don't think you had any idea Levi would ask you to marry him, did you?”

She put a hand on Ruthy's arm, and the gentle gesture sent Ruthy's stomach rolling again. What would these women think if she told them Levi didn't love her, but was only marrying her to provide a mother for his children? She had seen the way Ellie's husband looked at her, and Annie's husband was just as loving in his attention to her. Was it wrong for her to marry Levi when she longed for the kind of marriage her friends had?

“You've talked to Bishop Yoder about this,
ja?
” Ruthy nodded in response to Ellie's question. “And you've spent enough time with Levi to know you want to marry him?” Ruthy nodded again. “And you've prayed for God's direction?” Ruthy nodded once more. “Then you'll be fine, and before long you'll stop feeling like you're being led to an execution.”

“How did you know?”

Ellie laughed. “For one thing, it's written all over your face. Before my wedding, both weddings, I felt like I was coming down with the flu.” She patted Ruthy's arm again. “Don't worry. You'll feel better when it's all over.”

“And then life just gets better and better.” Annie jiggled her baby in her arms and smiled at Ruthy.

Ruthy turned to greet another woman, and caught sight of Levi across the room. He towered above the men around him as they shook his hand, congratulating him. Would life with him get better, just as Annie said?

Just then, Levi looked up and caught her staring. A slow smile spread on his face before he was pulled away by Bram Lapp. Ruthy's face grew warm as she bent to receive the holy kiss on her cheek from Miriam Miller. The older woman patted her hand and moved away, and Ruthy looked back at Levi. For the first time since he had suggested they marry, she felt like they had made the right decision.