Moving Mars (14 page)

The lack of sentient Martians had disappointed few. Martian settlers landing on their new home, and taking station assignments, quickly became hard-bitten and practical; it was no picnic. Keeping a station open and staying alive was tough enough in those decades without having to deal with unhappy natives. Still, I had played Ylla as a girl, and my brother had played the defensive Mr. Ttt with his gun of golden bees, stalking human astronauts

I related much of this nervously to Charles as the small train whined over the ditches and onto the main prairie, trying to keep an appearance of calm when in fact I was miserable. I had asked Charles to come to Ylla to ask him a question I now thought rude and unnecessary; rude, because he would have mentioned his desire to be enhanced had he wished to, and unnecessary, because I was determined to end our brief relationship. But I couldnt simply tell him on the train.

And I couldnt tell him at dinner. My parents of course went all-out with this meal, celebrating the first time I had brought a young man to our station.

Father was particularly interested in Charles, asking endless questions about the Terrie embargoes on Klein. Charles answered politely and to the best of his knowledge; there was no reason to keep any of this secret from someone as highly placed as Father.

My parents generally eschewed nano food, preferring garden growth and syn products. We ate potato and syn cheese pie and fruit salad and for desert, my fathers syn prime cheesecake with hot tea. After dinner, we sat in the memory room, small and tightly decorated as most old Mars station rooms are, with the inevitable living shadow box from Earth, the self-cycling fish tank, the small, antique wall-mount projectors for LitVid.

I loved my parents, and what they felt was important to me, but their immediate and natural affection for Charles was distressing. Charles fit right in. He and my father leaned forward in their chairs, almost knocking heads, talking about the possibility of hard financial times ahead, like old friends.

Inevitably, Father asked him what he planned to do with himself.

A lot of things, Charles answered. Im much too ambitious for a Martian.

Mother offered him more tea. We dont see any reason why Martians shouldnt be ambitious, she said, lips pursed as if mildly chiding.

Its simply impractical to do what I want to do, here, at this time, Charles said. He shook his head and grinned awkwardly. Im not very practical.

Why? Father asked.

He has come all this way to be with me, I thought, and he spends this time talking with my parents about what he is going to do in physics.

Mars doesnt have the research tools necessary, not yet, perhaps not for decades, Charles said. There are only two thinkers on the planet dedicated to physics, and a few dozen barely adequate computers tied up in universities with long waiting lists. Im too young to get on any of the lists. My work is too primitive. But He stopped, hands held in mid-air, parallel to each other, emphasizing his point with a little jerking gesture. The work I hope to do would take all of Earths resources.

Then why not go to Earth? my father asked.

Why not? I put in. It would be a marvelous experience.

No chance, Charles said. My grades arent perfect, my psych evaluations arent promising, to work on Earth they make outsiders pass rigid tests We have to be ten times better than any Terrie.

My father smelled a young man with ambitions but insufficient drive. You have to do what you have to do, he said gruffly.

Instantly I was on Charless side, saying abruptly, Charles knows what to do. He knows more than most Terrestrials.

My father lifted an eyebrow at the vehemence of my defense. Charles took my hand in appreciation.

Worse scholars than you have filtered through, Father said. You just have to know how to handle people.

I dont know anything about handling people, Charles said. Ive never known anything but how to be straight with them.

He looked at me as if that were a trait I might admire, and though I thought it disingenuous, not admirable, I smiled. Concern passed from his face in a flash, replaced by adoration. His brown eyes even crossed a little, like a puppys. I turned away, not wanting to have such an effect on him. I wanted to be away from my parents, alone with Charles, to express my affection but tell him this was not the time. I felt horrible and a little queasy.

Casseia would go to Earth in a moment if the opportunity arose, my mother said. Wouldnt you? She grinned at me proudly.

I stared at the fish tank, sealed decades ago on Earth, lovingly tended by my father and given to my mother on the day of their nuptials. Nobodys offered, I said.

Youre good, though, Charles said. You can jump the hurdles. You have a way with people.

Our sentiments exactly, Father said, smiling proudly. She just needs a little self-confidence. Support from people other than her parents.

Father took me aside while Mother and Charles talked. Youre not happy, Casseia, he said. I see it, your mother sees itCharles must see it. Why?

I shook my head. This is going all wrong, I said. You like him.

Why shouldnt we?

I asked him here to talk with him. And I cant be alone with him to talk

Father smiled. You can be alone later.

That isnt why Im unhappy. Youre examining him as if Im going to lawbond him.

My father narrowed one eye and stared at me like a prospector examining a vein in rock. He meets my approval so far.

Hes a friend, and hes here to talk. Im not asking for your approval.

Were embarrassing you?

I just have some important things to talk about with him, and this is taking so much time.

Sorry, Father said. Ill try to keep the inquisition short.

We returned to the memory room. Slowly, my father pried Mother away from the conversation and suggested they inspect the tea garden. When they were gone, Charles settled back contentedly, well-fed and relaxed. Theyre good people, he said. I can see where you come from.

He could have said anything and it would have irritated me. This irritated me more. Im my own woman, I said.

He lifted his hands helplessly and sighed. Casseia, youre going to tell me something. Tell me now. Youre driving me muddy.

Why didnt you say you applied for a link?

He frowned. Pardon?

Youve applied to link with a QL thinker.

Of course, he said, face blank. So has a third of my physics fourth form.

I know what a QL thinker is, Charles. Ive heard what it can do to people

It doesnt make them into monsters.

It doesnt do them any good as human beings, I said.

Is that whats going wrong between us?

No.

Something is going wrong, though.

What kind of life would there be for someone I was getting myself into a mire and couldnt find a solid path out.

Married to a QL? He seemed to think that was funny. It was a whim, Casseia. Its been talked about on Earth. Some of our senior physicists think it could help break tough conceptual problems. It would be temporary.

You didnt tell me, I said.

He tried to skirt the issue. Ill never get the chance now, Charles said.

But you didnt tell me.

Is that whats upsetting you?

You didnt trust me enough to tell me. I couldnt believe we were getting stuck in the wrong topic all to avoid the words I knew would be hurtful, words I actually had no clear reason for saying.

Here was Charles directly in front of me. Part of mean energetic and substantial partwanted to apologize to him, to take him to the tea garden and make love with him again. I would not allow that. I had reached my decision and I would follow through, no matter how painful for both of us.

I have a lot of growing to do, I said.

So do I. We

But not together.

His mouth went slack and his eyes half-lidded. He looked down, closed his mouth, and said, All right.

Were both too young. Ive enjoyed our time together.

You invited me to meet your parents before telling me this? Thats hardly fair. Youve wasted their time.

They like you as much as I do, I said. I wanted to talk to you in a place I was familiar with, because this isnt easy for me to say. I do love you.

Um hm. He wouldnt look at me directly. He kept searching the walls as if for a way to escape. You wanted me to tell you about future plans that might never have happened, to get you upset over something probably impossible. And youre disappointed.

No. I thrust my jaw forward, pushing ahead despite the confusion, only now understanding the core of my response. Im telling you straight. Later, perhaps, when weve achieved something, when our minds are settled, when we know what we want to do

Ive known that since I was a boy, Charles said.

Then you should have picked somebody more like you. I dont know what Im going to do, or where its going to take me.

Charles nodded. I pushed too hard, he said.

Damn it, stop that, I said. You sound like a

What?

Never mind. I just looked at him, eyes wide, trying to show the real affection I felt for him by the way my eyes tracked the points on his very fine face.

Youre not happy, are you? he asked.

We cant grow up in a couple of months, I said.

He held up his hands. I want to be with you, make love with you, reach out to you watch you when you go to sleep. I found that a particularly frightening picture: domestic coziness. Not what I imagined I needed at all. Youth is a time for adventure, for many changes, not for commitment and life spent on a fixed path. You could teach me so much about politics and the way people work together. I need that. I think so far into the abstract I get lost. You could balance me.

I wonder if Ill ever be ready for that, I said. It might be better if we stayed friends.

We must always be friends, he said.

Just friends, for now, I added gently.

Wise Casseia, he said after a few seconds of silence. I apologize for being so clumsy.

Not at all, I said. Its charming, really.

Charming. Not convincing.

I dont know what I want, Charles, I said. I have to find out for myself.

Do you believe in me? he asked. If you do, youd know life with me will never be dull.

I gave him a glance partly puzzled, partly irritated.

Im going to do important things. I dont know how long it will take me, Casseia, but I have glimmers even now. Places where I can contribute. The work I do on my ownI dont show it at the universityits pretty good stuff. Not seminal, not yet, but pretty good, and its only the warm-up.

I saw now, for the first time, another side of Charles, and I did not like it. His face wrinkled into a determined frown.

You dont have to convince me youre smart, I said peevishly.

He took my shoulders, hands light but insistent. It isnt just being smart, he said. Its as if I can see into the future. Ill be doing really fine work, great work, and I sometimes think, whoever my partner is, she helps me do that work. I have to choose my partner, my friend, my lover, very carefully, because it isnt going to be easy.

I could have finished the conversation then with a handshake and a firm good-bye. I did not like this aspect of Charles. He was not half as smart as my father, I thought, yet he was full of himself, a raging egotist, full of such big ideas. I have my own work to do, I said, I need to be more than just somebodys partner, just a support for their work.

Of course, he said, a little too quickly.

I have to follow my own path, not just glue myself to someone and be dragged along, I said.

Oh, of course. His face wrinkled again.

Charles, please dont cry, damn it, I thought.

Theres so much inside, he said. I feel so strongly. I cant express myself adequately, and if I cant do that, I certainly cant convince you. But Ive never met a woman like you.

You havent met many women, I thought, not very kindly.

Wherever you go, whatever we end up doing, Ill be waiting for you, he said.

I took his hand then, feeling this was an appropriate if not perfect way to get out of a tough situation. I really feel strongly about you, Charles, I said. Ill always care for you.

You dont want to get married, something I cant do now anyway, and you knew that So you dont want me to consider you a steady partner, or anything else, either. You dont want to see me again.

I want the freedom to choose, I said. I dont have that now.

Im in your way.

Yes, I said.

Casseia, I have never been so embarrassed and ashamed.

I stared at him without comprehending.

You have a lot to learn about men.

Of course.

About people.

No doubt.

And you dont want to learn it from me. What did I do to you to make this end so soon?

Nothing! I cried. I wouldnt be able to control myself much longer. It was agony to realize that after this, Charles would have to stay the night; there were no trains to the Kowloon depot at this hour. We would have to face each other in the morning, with my parents about.

I would like to live alone, on my own, and make my own life and see what Im capable of, I said, half-mumbling. My eyes filled with tears and I lifted my head to keep them from spilling down my cheeks. Dont wait for me. That isnt freedom.

He shook his head rapidly. I did something wrong.

No! I shouted.

We hadnt left the memory room. I took his arm and led him to the warren hub, then opened the door to the tea garden tunnel. I pushed him through, teeth clenched.

The tea garden lay in a cylinder-shaped cell ten meters below the surface. Dense green bushes thrust from walls, ceiling, and floor toward a rippling sheet of portable sun. The leaves rustled in the circulating air. I held his arm and stopped at the south end of the cell.

Im the one whos done something wrong, I said. Its me, not you.

It felt so obvious. So true, Charles said.

Maybe it would have been, three years from now, or five. But weve missed the timing. Who knows what well be doing then.

Charles sat on a bench. I sat beside him, wiping my eyes quickly with a sleeve. Only a few years ago I had given up playing with dolls and burying myself in LitVids about girlhood in Terrie Victorian times. How could this have come so fast?