Moving On Without You (9 page)

The porch steps creaked from the pressure of
Tracy's boots. It was too late to turn back now. She rang the bell and waited a
minute before hitting the buzzer a second time. Tracy could hear a muffled
voice on the other side of the door before it swung open. Sabrina stood there
dressed in her school uniform which startled Tracy. She had never seen Sabrina
look so preppy and the clashing ideas made Tracy laugh.

"Hey!" Sabrina shrieked and waved Tracy
inside the house.

"What are you wearing?"

"Don't get me started on this stupid uniform.
My school started this new thing. Now freshmen, sophomores, and juniors have to
wear uniforms. I held a protest, but everyone else was conforming. They're
completely brainwashed."

"You can't fight everything."

"I tried, but three people can't change the
school board and my mother wants me to get an education. I can't believe her of
all people wouldn't support me!"

"Uniforms aren't the worst thing."

"What?"

"Well, forcing everyone to wear them
refocuses the students on their education instead of fashion. I think education
is a worthy cause."

"I still think it sends the wrong message.
Force us to make the right decisions by stripping us of our other options. It's
not exactly the message I'm trying to get behind. I'm all for education, but
the education they're giving us is pretty one-sided anyway."

Sabrina could talk politics better than any adult
Tracy knew. She was smart but not pretentious. Sassy may have been the best way
to describe her. Sabrina was driven and completely different from most other
people Tracy knew. She had her own thoughts and ideas and she had no problem
voicing them. It was beautiful to watch her flick her hands around in circles while
she attempted to articulate her points. Tracy followed some of it, but after a
few minutes she got lost.

"I'm going to change. I can't stand to be in
this thing anymore. I'm getting mad just talking about it," Sabrina said.

"You look cute."

Sabrina turned to cut her eyes at Tracy before
going up to the second floor. Tracy sat on the couch eyeing the sculptures on
the side tables in the living room. The pieces were carved from wood and shaped
like curvy women with the facial features missing. They matched the paintings
on the wall—curvy women without faces—dancing, singing, and one appeared to be
crying. The room was vibrant and full of color.

It felt like a home although Sabrina's mother was
never there. Tracy had been in the house a couple times, but Sabrina's mother
was always at work. Sabrina didn't have any siblings. She had often described
her own life as a mistake. Her mother had fallen in love with a married man and
nine months later she arrived.
He never fit into the picture.
She had
said when Tracy asked about her dad. Sabrina didn't resent her father the way
Tracy did. She just accepted the fact that he was not a participant in her life.

"Tracy!"

Tracy followed the voice to the bottom of the
stairs but did not see Sabrina's face.

"Yeah?"

"Come here."

Tracy went up to find Sabrina lying on her bed
with her laptop.

"What do you think about these?"

Tracy crawled up next to Sabrina and looked at the
earrings on the screen. She wondered how many earrings Sabrina owned. It was
like her signature. Tracy had never been interested in jewelry, but Sabrina
wore it well.

"How many earrings do you think you
need?"

"You sound like Josh."

Tracy scoffed at the idea of being compared to
Sabrina's ex. Up until that day he had always been referred to as
the ex
.
He never had a name or personality. Sabrina had only brought him up to complain
about him and even then Tracy liked to imagine he was not real. He was a piece
of her history. He was the ongoing joke they made to keep things light, but now
Sabrina was saying that they were similar. That couldn't be right. The guy who
cheated on Sabrina every chance he got could not be anything like Tracy.

The thought annoyed her because in that moment she
realized she was a lot like Josh. Here she was lying in bed with her ex instead
of her own boyfriend. It was not the first time either. Sabrina had come to her
in the past to escape from Josh and Tracy never resisted. She put Sabrina down
whenever she found someone new. They had been doing that since they both met.
Josh was the boyfriend and she was the fling.

"Don't compare me to him," Tracy said.

"I wasn't comparing. I was just saying—, I
don't think you're anything like Josh."

Tracy wished Sabrina would stop saying his name.
She had said it more times in the past five minutes than she had in the past
year. What was her obsession with this guy?

Sabrina stopped clicking the pictures and turned
to face Tracy.

"I think you're amazing," Sabrina said.

She kissed Tracy before she could respond. Sabrina
held Tracy's face and kissed her more passionately than MD had ever been able
to kiss her. Tracy wrapped her arm around Sabrina's waist and squeezed her so
close that she could not move.

"I've missed you so much," Tracy said.

"I missed you too."

The line had been crossed and Tracy didn't intend
to stop there. She felt a connection to Sabrina that she never got to feel with
MD. It was stronger than any emotion she had felt in a while. Tracy knew she
had to enjoy every moment she had with Sabrina because it did not take Sabrina
long to get bored and move on.

"You want to be my valentine?" Sabrina
asked.

"Seriously, Brina?"

"I'm dead serious."

"I don't think I've ever had a real
valentine. Not officially or anything."

"Well you're mine now."

"I guess I am."

There was a table set up
with a pink sign labeled VALENTINE'S DAY CARNATIONS in the front of the
cafeteria. The poster was decorated with flowers and arrow pierced hearts.
Students lined up to give their cash in exchange for a floral delivery to their
valentine. Tracy walked past the table on her way to meet John. Technically she
had a valentine, possibly two if she counted her current boyfriend, but she had
no intention of sending him a carnation. Tracy could not send any flowers to
Sabrina because they only delivered to students at the school. She considered
sending some flowers to her own homebase and hand delivering them to Sabrina,
but it was easier to just pick her up something after school.

It was surprising that Sabrina even wanted to be
her valentine. Tracy had always assumed that Sabrina would be against the
commercialized holiday, but deep down she was still a girl. She wanted to be
loved just like Tracy did. This was why they had originally found each other
and continued to find each other.

The cafeteria was buzzing with students talking
about their plans for the upcoming weekend. Tracy found John thumbing through a
comic book. He didn't move when she sat down at the table.

"What are you looking at?" Tracy asked.

"You really want to know?" John asked.

"No, not really."

"I'm surprised you're not with lover
boy."

"Please. I haven't really spoken to
him."

This was a lie. MD had called her the night before
and they spoke for a few minutes. It was nothing Tracy wanted to dwell on. She
was doing a decent job of avoiding MD most of the time and she still had not mentioned
her developing relationship with Sabrina.

"Sounds like trouble in paradise," he
said.

"No trouble. I'm just not interested."

"That was fast."

"It happens I guess."

Tracy found her snack cake inside her bookbag.
Skipping the school lunch had allowed her to save almost thirty bucks. Once she
got to one hundred she would go splurge at the mall again. Her mother was not
aware that she was not eating the school lunches. If she found out she might
cut Tracy's allowance off completely. In a few months she would be old enough
to go get a real job and then she could buy all the sweaters she wanted.

"You think you're gonna break up with
him?" he asked.

"I don't know yet. I'm still figuring it out."

"Right."

"Are you going to order a carnation for
someone special?"

"I'm not really into that kind of
thing."

"You're trying to tell me you don't like
anyone at all?"

"I don't know. It's kind of weird."

"Girls like stuff like that."

"You would be happy if a guy sent you a
carnation?"

"I doubt I'll be getting any, but it would be
nice."

"I'm sure Mohammed will send you a
dozen."

"Oh please."

MD had not mentioned Valentine's Day at all. A
part of Tracy wanted to believe that he was saving a surprise for her, but she
knew better than to expect it. She would see Sabrina and that was the best
present she could ask for.

Tracy and Sabrina had been spending every day
together since they saw each other at the mall. It had become Tracy's routine
to get off the bus, drop her bag off at home, and walk a few streets over to
Sabrina's house. Janet never questioned it. She thought Sabrina was strange, but
she did not dislike her or find her suspicious.

The two of them would spend the afternoon
laughing, talking, and fooling around. Then, Tracy lied on Sabrina's chest
listening to her heart beat. A few times she had fallen asleep and woke up a
few minutes before curfew. She ran all the way home hoping her mother was still
asleep. Janet hadn't said too much about it though.

As long as Tracy wasn't out with a boy it did not
matter. Never mind the fact that Sabrina and Tracy were left unattended for
hours on end. Janet must have thought Sabrina was Tracy's best friend and she
was. She made her laugh about things that they should have been crying about.
They found peace in each other's arms.

"You think I'm a cheater?" Tracy asked.

"No. I don't think it counts with a girl. I
slept with girls when I was with Josh. It doesn't matter."

"You've been with other girls?"

"Yeah, a few."

All this time Tracy had thought she was the first
and the only. Sabrina was the only girl she had ever been with. It felt special
when she thought she was the only one.

"I've only been with you."

"You've been with two other people besides
me."

"Yeah but they're guys."

"Well, I've only been with one guy, you and a
couple other girls I met."

"This was after we met?"

"Yeah."

Tracy sat up on the bed to face Sabrina. She couldn't
be sure that she was hearing her correctly. It had only been a few months since
they broke things off and she had slept with three people.

"You broke up with me to be with Josh and
then slept with two other girls instead of calling me. You don't think that's
strange?"

"Relax. They didn't mean anything to me. I
met them in passing. It was no big deal."

"Did Josh think it was a big deal?"

"He doesn't want to share me. I told you
that. He doesn't care if it's a man or woman. He is just selfish."

"You're one to talk."

"Come on. You met people and had whatever
fun. I don't criticize you. You're dating this boring freaking blob and you
don't even love him, but I don't judge you. What we have has nothing to do with
what you or I have with anyone else."

Dating a girl was supposed to be easier. They were
supposed to understand each other in ways that no guy could, but Tracy didn't
understand this. Sabrina was just making up the rules as she went along. She
had little regard for who she hurt as long as she was satisfied at the moment.
Sabrina and Tracy were one in the same in that way. They were both hurting
someone to satisfy their deepest desires. The worst part was Tracy did not feel
guilty about hurting MD. She recognized that she should feel guilty, but she
couldn't find the energy to care.

The last thing Tracy wanted to do was go to school
on Valentine's Day. Everyone was buzzing around the entrance with their new
gifts and treats. Just about every student had a flower or box of candy in
their hand. Tracy stopped to greet her boyfriend on the way to the front door,
but he did not offer her anything. She did not ask him if he got her anything
because she did not want to ruin the surprise. It was possible that he did not
want to hand her a gift in front of his friends.

"Hey, Tracy!"

Chloe was yelling before Tracy could get past the
statue. She had two gifts in her hand which was not surprising. Most of the
girls in the circle were carrying something.

"Where is your gift?"

"I'm pretty sure he didn't get me
anything."

"I'm going to kill him."

"It's whatever. Look at you! Your man got it
right."

"Yes, he knows better."

"Still no kissing?"

"We're kissing! Finally."

"You guys are too cute."

Tracy couldn't help but feel a little jealous. Chloe
had gotten her dream guy. He was kind, attractive, and knew how to pick a
decent gift. The girls swooned watching all the guys coming in with teddy bears
under their arms.

"I hate Valentine's Day," Tracy said.

"You shouldn't hate Valentine's Day. You
should hate your man because he sucks."

"I always knew he was no prince
charming."

"But don't you deserve to be happy?"

Tracy sighed. She wondered how many times she had
had this conversation concerning MD. How much of a fool did she have to be to
stay with this guy? Something was keeping her there though. It was too
difficult to let him go because she knew there was nobody else she could run to
for companionship. There was no one besides Sabrina who was as fickle as the
wind.

The students groaned when the bell rang.

"This freaking year is too long. I can't take
it," Chloe said.

"The marking period is almost over, Tracy
said.

They followed the crowd into the school and split
in the main corridor. Tracy found her homebase the same as every other day. The
same kids were playing board games and this was a relief. At least she had one
period of normalcy before the nonstop reminders of how great everyone else's
relationship was going.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY was written on the
chalkboard and Mrs. Jones had on a red dress with matching lipstick. Other than
that the class was oblivious to what was going on in the outside world. At
Roosevelt Valentine's Day was not this big, but everything was an event at
Jefferson—prom, homecoming, assemblies, spirit week, the list was ongoing. It
was a real high school and usually Tracy was proud to be there, but today was a
constant reminder of what she wanted but could not have.

Tracy sat at her desk staring into her copy of
Fences. She had an English quiz but did not have much time to study the night
before because she was with Sabrina. She was spending most of her afternoons
with Sabrina and by the time she got home she had only a few hours to eat,
clean, and do homework before passing out. For the most part everything got
done, but she could not afford to mess up in this class. The marking period was
nearly over and she wanted to keep her grades as high as possible. She had
managed to maintain
A
s in every class except English and Global Studies
which was absolutely ridiculous considering it was just a bunch of reading. The
best she had done in either was a
B
+ but those
B
s were nagging
her. It was like the teachers were taunting her because they knew she wanted it
so badly. She had never been a
B
student before and her chances of getting
into college depended on her efforts here.

A knock at the door made everyone lift their heads
up. Tracy swallowed hard when she saw the girls standing outside her homebase
with carnations. She hoped there was a bouquet for her. Maybe MD hadn't forgotten
about her.

"Tracy," Mrs. Jones said.

Tracy was frozen in her seat. She could not
believe he had actually been considerate enough to get her a carnation.

"And Tracy again! Thank you," Mrs. Jones
said.

The delivery girls dropped off a few arrangements
for Mrs. Jones and a shy girl in the front of the room. Tracy walked up to pick
up her flowers. She looked at the attached cards: three came from Chloe and a
dozen were from ANONYMOUS. Anonymous? Why would MD sign the card anonymous?
They were in a relationship. She stared at the word, but it did not look like
his writing. He could have let the girl at the table write it for him.

Tracy left the flowers on Mrs. Jones' desk. She
did not want to get bogged down carrying them all day long. As much as she wanted
the flowers, she did not want the attention.

Chemistry class seemed to have doubled in size. It
looked like the first day of class. Was there a test Tracy had forgotten about?
She sat between her two friends who had saved her usual seat.

"Do we have a test?" Tracy asked.

"Extra credit," Chloe said.

"What?"

"We finished all our experiments early this
marking period so Mr. Shafer said any experiments we do from now until the end
of the marking period count as extra credit."

"When did he say that?"

"Last class. I think you were sleeping."

"Thanks for the heads-up."

"You come to every class and you already have
an
A
."

"How do you know?"

"He posted the grades on the board. Didn't
you check?"

"I didn't know he posted them."

"Yeah."

Tracy had been completely out of it. Staying up
all night doing homework was taking a toll on her. She was trading her
afternoon nap time to entertain Sabrina. The only time she could catch up on
her sleep was in school which was becoming a problem. At least her grades were
not suffering.

"Where's your flowers?" Chloe asked.

"Oh yeah, thanks. I didn't want to carry them
all day so I left them in my homebase. You know I got a dozen from some
anonymous person."

"A secret admirer?"

"Maybe."

Tracy began to wonder if it was John who had sent
the bouquet. He was being very quiet, but he also sat with Tracy during lunch.
He couldn't have gone up there without her seeing him. Tracy did not have many
other friends. There were a few random classmates she spoke to and Chloe's
friends, but those girls were too selfish to do anything like that for her.
Even if they did, they would want recognition so they would have signed their
names. It was odd, but it was such a big school that she would probably never
get to the bottom of it.

When Tracy got into the house she put her wilting
flowers in a vase and got started on her homework. It was cutting into her time
with Sabrina, but she wanted to end the marking period on a good note. Half-way
through her assigned reading of Fences she got a call from MD. Tracy hesitated
to pick up the phone. He had ignored her most of the day. What was the point in
calling now?

"Hello?" Tracy answered.

"Hey, I gotta tell you something."

She was annoyed at first but he sounded pretty
serious. Could he have been the anonymous giver?

"Yeah?"

"I kind of cheated."

"What?"

Tracy was shocked. Who called to tell someone they
cheated? She cheated on him all the time but never called to admit it. Why was
he doing this?

"I went to the movies with my ex-girlfriend.
I had fun and we kissed. We didn't have sex, but we've hung out a couple
times."

The phone was silent. Was he done? What was she
supposed to say now? The whole thing sounded odd but not exactly like cheating.
Tracy had done much worse repeatedly over the past week and never felt any need
to include him on the details. Maybe he already knew what she had been doing
and this led him to seek out his own ex.