Mr. Darcy and the Secret of Becoming a Gentleman (37 page)

Elizabeth had retreated to the mistress's bedroom by the time Darcy and Georgiana joined her. Georgiana's easy manner made it apparent that she did not suspect anything unusual had occurred. Despite this, Elizabeth could not help but feel the awkwardness of the situation and barely knew how she replied in response to Georgiana's questions about redecorating the suites. Mercifully, the encounter did not last long, as Georgiana's main goal in coming to find them was to announce that Mr. Bingley had arrived with his sisters.

That visit seemed to drag on interminably. As the party broke up to prepare for dinner at the Gardiners' home, Darcy hoped to draw Elizabeth aside, but Miss Bingley resolutely stood by him until her carriage was called. Elizabeth attempted to wait her out, but was forced to excuse herself when Jane and Georgiana announced their intention to dress for dinner.

As Darcy readied his own appearance, he resolved to find a private moment to speak to Elizabeth. He was mortified that he had almost compromised the woman he loved on the floor of his room in a manner that would have allowed his younger sister to walk in on them. He could not believe that he had acted so brutishly. Yet, he had to admit that making love to Elizabeth was his heart's desire. Even when he had been trying to convince himself that she was an unsuitable match, he had never attempted to deny how very much he wanted her. But the fact that his interest in her was long-standing could hardly mean that he had license to act on his passion. He simply needed to exercise some self-control. He would apologize to Elizabeth and tell her that while her willingness to indulge him was a joy he would cherish, he could not be trusted with her generosity.

Despite Darcy's resolution, he could not find an opportunity at the Gardiners' to speak privately with Elizabeth as their drawing room was considerably smaller than his. He did try to catch her eye to convey his remorse, but she seemed shy with him as well, and in the end he felt nothing had been resolved. When they returned home and Darcy bid Elizabeth good night at the foot of the staircase in Jane and Georgiana's presence, she seemed so tentative that all of his anxieties over his conduct returned in full bloom.

***

Elizabeth attended breakfast the next morning feeling just as awkward as she had the night before. Darcy's eyes were often upon her, but she did not know how to resume their previous intimacy without recalling her blunder in his room. Instead, Elizabeth fell as silent as Darcy. At the end of the meal, Darcy broke his silence. “Miss Bennet, the weather seems quite pleasant. I was wondering if you might consent to a walk with me?”

With a nervous smile, Elizabeth responded, “Yes, yes, that would be quite nice.”

After entering the park, Darcy spoke first. “Elizabeth, I… I am sorry that we have not talked sooner, but there seemed no appropriate opportunity. I beg you to believe that I do understand the gravity of my mistake. I have barely been able to think of anything other than my need to speak to you—to seek your forgiveness. I can offer no excuse. I know I put you in a most embarrassing… It was so improper of me and to place you in a situation where my sister… I am so sorry. In saying it out loud, I do not know how you can forgive me. But whether you can find it in your heart to do so or not, I want you to know that it will never happen again. I can promise you that.”

Elizabeth barely knew how to respond. But after a moment, a faint smile graced her lips, and with an arch brow, she asked, “Never, Fitzwilliam? Even after we are married?”

Her words had caught him off guard. He stared at her, blinked, colored, and then stammered, “I might have been slightly zealous in my choice of words, but I had hoped that you would understand… that I meant to convey that I would not place you in such a position—I mean, in such unacceptable circumstances—again before we are married.”

Smiling, she said, “Ah, I see.”

Her smile helped to dissolve the tension between them, and despite his feelings of remorse, he could not help but return the smile. “Elizabeth, I must say, you seem in a better frame of mind than I expected. I am of course grateful for it. I knew that you would be upset, and I was worried at the extent of your distress. Last night, you seemed… so uncomfortable in my presence. Having disappointed you has been the greater part of my self-reproach.”

“Fitzwilliam, I will be honest with you. I am a little surprised myself. After yesterday's… indiscretion, I was distraught. I spent a fitful night of sleep reproaching myself over my conduct. I have reviewed the events of yesterday afternoon many times, cataloguing all of my missteps…”

“But, Elizabeth, you were not to blame, I was the one…”

Gently interrupting him, she said, “Fitzwilliam, please, I understand that you blame yourself, but I also know that I did not act as I should. I also wanted to apologize to you today for my provocative behavior. But in hearing you berate yourself, knowing that I intend to do the very same thing myself, I suddenly saw the encounter in a different light. I could apologize to you for my lapse in behavior, as it was my duty to set the boundaries between us. You could apologize to me, as you have already tried to do twice, because it was your duty to guard my respectability. But I cannot help but admit that I understand your temptation. I felt it too, and I would be a hypocrite to argue otherwise. If you can understand my behavior and I can understand yours, perhaps both of our behavior was understandable given the circumstances. I have chastised myself, thinking myself wanton and immoral for my conduct yesterday. But when I think of your behavior yesterday, all I see was a man in love who desires me. I cannot help but value that in you. I know we must not act on such feelings, but I cannot condemn them. They are natural. If such feelings are appropriate within our marriage, then the feelings themselves cannot be condemned, just the timing of them.”

“Elizabeth, I do not know what to say but that you are a remarkable woman.”

“I am not sure if that is so. I think it more likely that I am just in love.”

“Elizabeth, while I appreciate all that you have said, and I am so exceedingly grateful for both your love and understanding, I do not think our agreeing on the cause of the problem changes what must be done about a solution.”

“No, as to that I think you are correct.”

“Elizabeth, our wedding is slightly more than three weeks away. Despite the temptation you present, I know that I can act honorably until we are wed. I think, though, that we should not tempt fate by spending too much time alone together in private. My judgment seems to fail me when you are in my arms.”

Embarrassed but unwilling to look away, she nodded. “That seems wise.”

Taking her hand in his and caressing it absentmindedly, he looked down at it as he spoke. “Elizabeth, I would be remiss in not telling you how grateful I am to have found you. I have been dreading this conversation. To speak of such things… but you somehow seem to make what I fear is impossible to discuss a source of communion between us.” Looking up at her, he continued, “I have long thought your beauty, disposition, and intellect unsurpassed by any other woman. I knew when you accepted me that I would be happy simply to be in your company for the rest of my life, but to be able to talk to you—to tell you of my concerns, apparently whatever their nature—is a gift I cannot measure. I love you so dearly. I have often thought that the poets invented the idea of a soul mate, but I now know better.”

Overcome with emotion, Elizabeth tenderly replied, “My Fitzwilliam.”

Smiling at her in gratitude, he added, “Let us not waste this fine day. Would you care to take a turn about the park?”

***

As Darcy undressed, he looked back at the evening with both regret and satisfaction. He had enjoyed his time with the Gardiners and was touched to see Mrs. Gardiner's successful attempts at drawing Georgiana into conversation. He had even enjoyed a lively discussion with Mr. Bennet. While his interactions with Mrs. Bennet were indirect, he was more concerned with the substance of her discourse than its delivery. She had catalogued the social calls Elizabeth would be required to make upon their return to Hertfordshire in preparation for taking her eventual leave of the neighborhood and the various dinners he and Elizabeth and Bingley and Jane were expected to attend as their wedding day approached. It seemed clear that the next day and a half in London with Elizabeth would be the calm before the storm and that he should expect no relief or privacy with Elizabeth once he returned her to her home.

He signaled for his valet to stop fussing with his clothes and walked away wearing just his shirt and breeches. “Robert, I will retire now. Maybe I will have a glass of brandy while I read to help me get to sleep. Would you please?” With an efficient nod, his valet complied and left.

Standing by his bed, Darcy scanned the shelves near it for a book that might pique his interest. Having found one, he flopped on the bed. Elizabeth's vibrancy had always drawn him to her, and her teasing manner and quick wit made him feel the strength of his attachment all the more. His longing for her tonight was tempered by the fact that he knew, after the discussion they had had in the park, that she loved him, understood him, and could accept him despite his flaws. That knowledge gave him a sense of intimacy with her that he could not explain, other than to say that he finally felt that she was his.

Darcy had long finished his brandy when he heard the servant door open. As he leaned forward on an elbow to see who it was, he was stunned to observe Elizabeth standing inside his room, in what appeared to be her nightgown. “I was wondering, sir, if I might come in.”

Awkwardly standing up, Darcy exclaimed, “Elizabeth, what are you doing here?”

“I see that you are intent on starting with the most difficult question first. How singular. Would it not be more polite to simply invite me in and inquire after my health?”

“Elizabeth, I do not understand… Of course, come in, but… what…”

As she walked toward him, he could see that she was confused about where to sit. After a moment, she said, “Your fireplace has such a lovely blaze; perhaps we could rest by it.” To his surprise, she sat on the rug directly in front of the fire and not on the chairs placed there. He sat beside her, trying not to crowd her, but needing to stretch his legs to fit.

She had carefully organized her reasons for coming and had rehearsed her speech several times in her room, but as she sat there next to him, her mind was foolishly preoccupied. He was barefoot, and she realized that she had never seen him in such a state before. When she had attended to him when he was ill, he had been in bed and covered. His unexpected appearance threw her off her intended course of action and made rational thought impossible.

Eventually, it was Darcy who spoke. “Elizabeth, I do not mean to be rude, but I must ask you again why are you here? I thought we had agreed this morning that we should not be alone together in private.”

“Ah, yes, the purpose of my visit. Of course… This all made so much more sense, before I arrived.” Turning to him, she smiled in a nervous fashion. She took a moment to collect herself before she added, “Earlier this evening, when everyone was here, you were discussing politics with my uncle and Bingley and I had a feeling, a sort of vision, that this is how our life would be once we are married—that this is the manner in which we will entertain. I looked around, and I could envision us here spending quiet evenings together, and I began to pretend—or imagine—how it would feel if we were in fact married. It felt so very natural to think of us that way. It was not very difficult for me to imagine that I was your wife; that I am your wife. But I know that we are not husband and wife. I know it, not because I do not feel it, but because it has not been proclaimed in public. As a result, we are not allowed all of the rights that exist between a husband and wife. We are not free to speak privately whenever we wish, and we cannot be together at night as we are now. But as to the rest—as to the feelings that exist between two people when they agree to face the future together and to take each other's happiness into account before acting—that is something we have already experienced. Being in your house has allowed me to envision being here with you forever. But that thought made me realize that my time here will soon end and that I will have to go back to Longbourn in a matter of days. I know when I do leave, my heart will stay here. It will stay with you wherever you are. It will be the time when we are in Hertfordshire that will be the illusion. We will have to pretend that we are still practically strangers attempting to get to know each other, when we are already so much more. The thought of that made me realize that I do not want to waste any of the time that we still have here together. So I decided to come to you. So that we can talk of whatever we wish, so that we can hold each other, and I can lie in your arms until the servants wake up and I need to return to my room.”

For a moment, all he could do was whisper her name. He had listened to her in growing amazement. She had captured the way he felt, but he could scarcely credit that she was saying it to him in this manner. Finally, he said, “But, Elizabeth, are you sure?”

“I suppose I could ask you such a question, and it would serve as my answer. Are you sure, Fitzwilliam? Are you sure that you love me? That you want to be my husband? That you will always love me?”

“Oh, yes,” he murmured, raising his hand to her hair, “I have no doubt. I have known it for so long that it is now a part of me.”

“Then I am sure of everything else.”

He looked at her for a long moment. She could see that his breathing was erratic. Slowly a small smile came to his lips, and he swept his eyes up and down her. She was amazed that his one look seemed more forward than all of his previous caresses. In a low, deep voice, Darcy asked, “Then you are to be mine for the evening?”

Mesmerized by his gaze, she nodded, keeping her eyes upon him.