Mr. Darcy Takes the Plunge (28 page)

His superior officer assured him it was true and said, "You need not worry that Mr. Bennet has cast pearls before swine, you know."

Darcy added, "Indeed, rather than being trampled underfoot, our brides shall be put on pedestals."

Dun, who still harboured lingering resentment toward Darcy, decided to get in a snide remark after all. "I would certainly be wary of men who put women on pedestals. They may only want to look up their skir ... " He suddenly remembered they were in mixed company. " ... to look up to them and p-raise them to the skies. I would much rather have my bride walk beside me and share my life than spend her time on a pedestal." Again he cast a fond look toward Miss Lucas.

Mr. Bennet had had enough, so he changed the subject by addressing his son. "What are you doing so secretly at the desk there, young sir?"

"It ith no thecret, Papa. I am writing a thtory."

"Excellent, Robert! You write uncommonly fast, though. Pray tell us what your story is about, poppet."

"I do not know, Papa. I cannot read yet."

The room's occupants chuckled, and Mr. Bennet continued, "Well, do not let that stop you. To quote Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, 'Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it; boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.'"

At that moment, Sharp appeared again in the doorway, this time somewhat rattled. The master of the house sharply inquired, "Yes, man, what is it?"

"A visitor, sir. A Lady Catherine de Bourgh is in the foyer deman ... asking to see her nephew, Mr. Darcy. Shall I ... Ah, here is the lady now, sir."

She entered the room with an air more than usually ungracious, made no reply to salutations other than a slight inclination of the head, and sat down without saying a word. Mr. and Mrs. Bennet were all amazement, and Sir William and Lady Lucas were obviously excited to be in the presence of a personage of such high importance. With great civility, Mrs. Bennet begged her ladyship to take some refreshment; however, upon being informed there was no fruitcake available, the offer of eating anything else was very resolutely, and not very politely, declined. Lady Catherine did, nevertheless, condescend to accept a glass of sherry; and Baines, who was on duty in the sitting room, was aggrieved and aghast when the woman repeatedly beckoned for refills during her visit. The shocked servant was somewhat relieved to receive surreptitious instruction from Colonel Fitzwilliam to forthwith water down his aunt's potent wine.

After sitting for several moments in silence, the inebriated Lady Catherine very stiffly spoke to her Darcy nephew. "I hope you are will, Fishwelliam. Yet I am mosht shocked, ashtonished, and sherioushly dishpleashed with your shishter, Anna. I expected to find a reashonable young woman; however, I had to shpend a full half flower of weeding ... (ahem) half hour of wheedling before she would divulge your deshtination. Anna ought to have known I am not to be truffled with. I went to your home with the dead-ermined ... (ahem) determined resholution of carrying my porpoise ... (ahem) purpose, and I would not be dishwaded from it. I have not been used to shubmitting to any pershon'sh whim, and I have not been in the hobbit of braking ... (ahem) habit of brooking dishappointment. I inshishted on being shatishfied and would not go awry until she finally volunteered the information mosht unwillingly. I am ashamed of her! Anna should have more reshpect for her eldersh. From whom ish she picking up shuch mad bannersh ... (ahem) bad manners?" Lady Catherine cast narrowed eyes around to each of the room's occupants while she took another healthy swig of sweet sherry. "I asshumed the gosship in the paper wash all a lack of piesh ... (ahem) pack of lies. But that lady, I shupposhe, ish your intended, the one hearing bedding wellsh ... (ahem) wedding bells." She cannily pinpointed Elizabeth with her pointy cane.

Darcy very concisely verified the identification.
Unless you scare her off. Elizabeth, I promise you, I do not take after my aunt! Well, there was that one time at White's when I thought I lost you; but I swear I will not go on the cut again.

"And that woman, Rishard, I shuposhe is yoursh." Again, she accurately singled out her other nephew's betrothed by indicating Jane with the now wildly wavering walking stick. The fact the couple had been found fondling one another's ungloved hands had handily helped the stewed shrew's shrewd sighting.

"Yes, Aunt. This is Miss Jane Bennet, and I am overjoyed she will soon become a part of our family."
Oh, Jane, please do not change your mind! Every family has a black sheep, or a skeleton in the closet, or a skeleton in sheep's clothing in the closet, or ...

Lady Catherine snorted in a most unladylike manner and tossed back another glass of watered-down sherry. While the adults in the overcrowded room felt awkward and uncomfortable being witness to the woman's shocking behaviour, Robert was intrigued by the elderly visitor. He scrambled down from his seat, crossed the room, and stood in front of her. The woman's glazed expression suddenly brightened. "Heaven and earth, look at you! Cute ash a bug! Who are you, little one? What ish your name? Who are your father, mother, aunts, and uncles?"

"I am Robert Bennet, ma'am." The little boy bowed and then said, "You have the same name as Caffrin. But we call her Kitty. We have a kitty named Cato. But Papa calls him Bad-Cat! Why are you called Lady Caffrin der Bug? You are
not
cute as a bug. Why does your skin not fit your face?"

Once again Robert's words caused embarrassment amongst the grownups; and those who knew, or knew of, Lady Catherine de Bourgh were frozen in place waiting for an explosion. When the eruption occurred, it was not the sort expected; for the woman threw back her head and howled ... with laughter. She thumped her cane, stomped her feet, and thrust her empty glass at Baines so she could repeatedly slap her palm on the chair's armrest. Tears rolled down her cheeks, and she struggled to catch her breath. But when Darcy, the Colonel, and Mrs. Bennet all rushed to her aide, she waved them away.

"Mama? What is wrong wiff Lady Caffrin der Bug?"

"Come along, poppet. Jane, please ring for Alice to take Robert to the nursery."

"I will take him, Mama." Jane scooped up her bewildered brother into her arms. The attention turned back to the esteemed visitor, who was by then snoring softly with her chin resting on her chest. No one noticed the Colonel slip out of the room to follow his fiancee.

Lieutenant-Colonel Dun chose to take his leave during the lull in conversation, but not before first asking permission from Sir William to call upon his daughter while they were staying in London. His request was granted; Dun promised to visit Miss Lucas the next day, bowed, and said his goodbyes.

To Darcy it appeared that, had his aunt set out to ridicule herself as much as she could during the afternoon, it would have been impossible for her to play her part with more spirit or finer success. At least the Bennet family was not of the sort to be much distressed by the folly. Mrs. Bennet looked at her mortified future-son-in-law and asked, "What shall we do, Mr. Darcy? Should we awaken her?"

"I am unsure. I have never before, in my entire life, known my aunt to laugh. I do believe the unaccustomed outburst has quite exhausted her. She is sleeping like a log, so I suggest we just let sleeping logs die ... Pardon me! I meant sleeping dogs ... er, aunts ... um ... "

They were spared having to make any uncomfortable decision by the arrival of Lady Catherine's nearest relation in the world. Anne de Bourgh entered the room in company with the man rumoured to be courting her; and after the necessary introductions, the two gently roused the lady, spoke softly, and induced her to drink a potion from the bottle Anne had recently begun to carry in her reticule at her suitor's insistence.

Darcy was appalled and intrigued. "Bingley, for God's sake, what on earth are you doing, man?"

"I am not doing this for God's sake, Darcy, but for Anne's, I mean Miss de Bourgh's. Her mother, as you are very well aware, can be quite an ogress and has made her daughter's life miserable at times. I have been all over town these past few days consulting with various physicians, and it has been recommended we give Lady Cat a tonic."

The befuddled woman looked up and, in vino veritas, said, "My bear Mr. Ding, how pleashant it ish to shee you again. And you brought my gritty pearl ... (ahem) pretty girl with you too." The woman beckoned her daughter to lean down and whispered, "I re-cog-ni-shize your dozen Carshy; but who are all thesh other people, and where did they come from? It will be nesheshshary to kindly ashk them to leave now, becaush I need to take another nittle lap ... (ahem) little nap. Help me up to my chambersh, Annie dear; and remind me to have the drawing room re-decorum-ated. I do not recall it being sho devoid of pretendshush garrishnessh before."

Lady Catherine was sound asleep again and softly snoring as several of her own footmen were summoned to gently carry their mistress to the waiting de Bourgh carriage. Anne apologized profusely to both the Bennet and Lucas families for her mother's non compos mentis and then ordered that Lady Catherine be immediately taken home to Rosings Park and put to bed. Anne then ignored her cousin Darcy's scowl as he watched from the doorway while she and Bingley entered another carriage and drove off together without a chaperone.

Darcy scowled yet again when he entered the sitting room. Miss Jane Bennet had returned, and he noticed she was suspiciously wearing a high-necked fichu that had not been part of her frock when she carried her brother upstairs to the nursery. She and Fitz were both peculiarly flushed and somehow managed to give the impression of guilt and smugness concurrently. Consequently Darcy somehow managed to appear both shocked and rather envious at the same time.

²
From William Allen Butler's "Nothing to Wear"

C
hapter III

Upun My Word, Mr. Darcy!

The two fiances were daily visitors at the Bennet townhouse. The gentlemen regularly arrived before breakfast, were invited to stay for dinner, and remained as late as proper. They agreed to dine with their future in-laws again that particular evening, so Mrs. Bennet hurried off to speak with the housekeeper. Lady Lucas retired to her guest chamber for a rest, and Mr. Bennet challenged Sir William to a battle of wits over the chessboard in the study. Charlotte and the two engaged couples headed for the mews, as the men were interested in seeing Elizabeth's mare, Gloriana, and her father's gelding, Zephyr. Charlotte felt like a fifth wheel on a carriage but chose to walk with her best friend and the Colonel.

Darcy tucked Lizzy's hand into his arm. Dun's presence had set him on edge, and the visit from Lady Catherine had nearly sent him over it; so he was relieved to be away from the house for a while. "Elizabeth, I am so sorry about my aunt. She is ... " He glanced ahead to the mews that housed the horses of her neighbourhood. " ... un
stable
."

She looked up to catch him smiling down at her and squeezed his arm. "Please do not apologize for something beyond your control, sir. Georgiana and Anna hinted at your poor aunt's malady, and I just hope Mr. Bingley and Miss de Bourgh can finally get her the help she needs. Lady Catherine will always be welcome in our home ... oh, I mean the Bennet home ... and I hope in
our
home as well, Fitzwilliam."

"Thank you, my dear. You have not yet seen Aunt Catherine at her worst, but I appreciate your consideration. She can be dreadfully embarrassing, and certain members of our family want her committed to Bedlam. But the dear lady
is
family; and so, yes, she will always be welcome in our home. I do like the sound of that, Elizabeth ...
our home
; and I grow impatient to make you my wife." He steered them toward the door and his thoughts away from impropriety. "Are the wedding preparations proceeding well on your side? Mother and my sisters are frantically coordinating arrangements between here and Derbyshire, and I am jealous they will most likely monopolize your time tomorrow night. Fleming has wisely suggested a relaxing stroll at Vauxhall Gardens the evening following the dinner to give everyone a breather from all the planning. Would you like to accompany me?"

"The preparations are proceeding well; I look forward to being your wife. I will assign you a few minutes of my precious time tomorrow night, and it would be my pleasure to visit the pleasure garden with you. After all, sir, Vauxhall's pathways are famous for romantic assignations, are they not?"

The stunned expression on Darcy's face was well worth her embarrassment at having so brazenly flirted. He stopped short and stood staring down at her in awe. Elizabeth soon became a tad nervous over the ardency of his look. "Well, here we are at the mews, sir. Are you ready to meet Gloriana, 'The Faerie Queen.'"

Having read a portion of the incomplete epic allegorical poem by Edmund Spenser about good versus evil, Darcy knew it was actually written in praise of the intelligent and powerful Queen Elizabeth of the Tudor dynasty. Gloriana, as her name would suggest, represented Glory in the mythical 'Faerieland' inhabited by Arthurian knights, each representing a virtue: holiness, temperance, chastity, friendship, justice, and courtesy. Although Arthur was supposed to be the embodiment of all those virtues, Darcy considered his own queen, Elizabeth, possessed them in good measure as well.

The other Gloriana was a sorrel, well over sixteen hands high; and once again, Darcy looked at Lizzy, a woman of just under average height, in astonishment.

"Do not look so surprised, sir. Even with a mounting block, I still require assistance gaining my seat."

"So, you use a block to mount; but how on earth do you get down from Gloriana?"

"Oh, Fitzwilliam, really. Are you sure you want me to answer such an irresistible question?"

His brows knit while one of hers arched. Because of the nerve-racking position of that one eyebrow, Darcy rather hesitantly said, "Yes. How
do
you get down from Gloriana?"

"One does not get down from Gloriana, sir; one gets down from a duck."

Fitzwilliam Darcy was an intelligent man, but he did not appear to comprehend her joke -perhaps because he was an intelligent man. He blankly stared at her. She sighed and said, "Fitzwilliam, did you honestly expect Gloriana to be a mere pony?"

"She is glorious, Elizabeth ... as are you, albeit
down
right silly as a
goose
."

She playfully swatted his arm. Darcy glanced around for the others, who were at Zephyr's stall; and although he longed for much more, he only dared put his arm around her and quickly brush his lips against her soft cheek. His deep voice vibrated near her ear. "Lizzy, I want to rain kisses upon you but must keep a tight rein on my desire; you reign over my heart, my faerie queen, and I am your loyal subject."

Elizabeth saw the others approach, so she tore her eyes away from the intensity in his. "I have been thinking about The Faerie Queen and the Arthurian legends, Sir Fitzwilliam; and I, your queen Elizabeth, have a challenge for you."

"Once again, I am almost afraid to ask. Nonetheless, ask I shall, since it is what my queen desires. What is this challenge?"

"I challenge you to a duel of punnery."

"There is no such word, your majesty. But since you have thrown down the gauntlet, I must pun-derously accept." Darcy peeled off his kid gloves, flung them to the ground, and silently dared her to do the same. Elizabeth followed suit and boldly stripped off kid gloves as well. The temptation was too great. Her fiance quickly snatched both her bare hands and kissed them ardently, and repeatedly, while gazing into her fine eyes.

"Ahem!" Colonel Fitzwilliam suddenly appeared next to Darcy. With arms crossed over his chest, he lectured, "Youn-g-loves, now is not the time, and here is not the place, to dispense with decorum."

Lizzy blushed but cried, "Ooh, another contestant! Please join us, Sir Richard. We are about to engage in a battle of puns relating to King Arthur."

Darcy whined, "Elizabeth, you did not previously mention the puns had to conform to a certain theme. You most certainly have an unfair advantage, madam. In fact, I now suspect you have come to this tournament equipped with a prepared arsenal of quips."

"Are you conceding defeat already, Sir Fitzwilliam?"

"Upun my word, I am not! Let the pun and games begin."

His cousin groaned and opened his mouth to protest. Elizabeth, arms akimbo, said, "Colonel, kindly save your groans for after my opponent's puns. Following mine, however, laughter will be most welcome and appreciated."

When the officer asked how they would determine the winner, Lizzy suggested Charlotte would be an impartial judge.

"But I want to play too!"

Jane solved the problem by saying, "I shall not be joining the challenge but will decide the victor. I require a great deal of forethought before forming a pun. I am far too slow."

Quick as a wink, her fiance was beside Jane; and when she looked up at him, Colonel Stud-muffin winked and whispered, "I disagree, love. I happen to know you are rather fast."

"Richard!" Jane hissed, "You are incorrigible."

"Only because you incorrige me, sweetheart."

Elizabeth shook her head and objected, "Jane, there is no way you are going to be impartial where the Colonel is concerned. I believe the only solution is to return home and have our father adjudicate."

Darcy doubted whether Mr. Bennet would be unbiased.
Good God, what has this woman done to me? Here I am worried over such nonsense as a punnery contest ruling. Where is the old Fitzwilliam Darcy who would have scoffed at such folly? That perfectionist would never have lowered himself to partake in a situation where he could be ridiculed, and that poor man would have missed out on so much joy.

His cousin was thinking along similar lines, and he marvelled at the fate that had so fortunately brought the Bennet ladies into their lives. Darcy had always been lively enough in company of his immediate family and very close friends but extremely reserved in public. Miss Elizabeth was perfect for him and had already been the cause of more smiles on Darcy's face in the short months of their acquaintance than had ever been cracked in his entire life. Colonel Fitzwilliam knew instinctively Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy's marriage would be a benchmark of conjugal happiness, as would his own with dearest, loveliest Jane.

Of course, once the five returned to the townhouse and explained the contest, Mr. Bennet wanted to participate rather than adjudicate. Lydia also insisted on being included, so straws were drawn to form teams and to determine which went first. Elizabeth was paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam, Lydia with Mr. Darcy, and Charlotte with Mr. Bennet. Their audience, consisting of Sir William, Lady Lucas, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Mary, and Kitty, would decide the winning team by the volume and duration of applause each pun earned.

Lydia and her partner went first. After consulting with Mr. Darcy, she stood and offered, "Sir Mount had a bad dream about his horse. It was a
knight-mare
." This earned smiles and a polite round of applause for the little girl. Darcy was proud of Lydia, as she had come up with the premise on her own and just needed help with the phrasing. She reminded him so much of Lizzy, both in looks and temperament, that he felt he was being allowed a glimpse of what his betrothed would have been like at seven years of age.

With his collaborator's approval, Colonel Fitzwilliam, being a military man, stood at attention and pronounced, "When a knight in armour was killed in battle, his gravestone said
'rust in peace.
'" Predictably, Jane clapped the longest and loudest for her beloved fiance and sister.

Mr. Bennet held off and allowed Charlotte to fire their first salvo. "A knight put his
arm-our
'round his lady." Sir William and Lady Lucas hoped Lieutenant-Colonel Dun would be their daughter's knight in shining armour and heartily applauded her choice.

At Lydia's nod of consent, Darcy smugly fired back, "A knight courting his lady wore a suit of
amore
." Groans were heard amongst the sparse clapping, and he knew he would have to do better next round and avoid Italian words.

Jane was jealously relieved when her sister stopped whispering close to Richard's ear. Lizzy stood and proclaimed, "King Arthur had a Round Table so no one could
corner
him." A smattering of applause and groans caused Elizabeth to sit back down in a huff. She crossed her arms, glared at her father, and silently challenged him.

"Thank you, Lizzy, for mentioning that very special table. It made me think the knights facing each other at King Arthur's Round Table disagreed a lot because they were
diametrically opposed
." That pun initially went over all but Sir William's head; and he was the only one to clap until the rest of the audience caught on and joined in the applause.

Darcy was out of his depth and relied on his little companion. Luckily, Lydia remembered a recent discussion between their governess and Kitty; and she was able to put forth, "The Dark Ages were so named because there were so many
knights
." The youngest member of the contest beamed as her audience clapped.

Colonel Fitzwilliam thought his partner's brilliant offering would put them in the lead, and the appreciative round of applause Miss Elizabeth received gratified him. Her pun was 'Old knights in chain mail never die. They
joust shuffle off their metal coils'.

Lydia tugged on Mr. Darcy's sleeve and asked him to explain. "It is a play on words from Shakespeare's
Hamlet
, Miss Lydia. The quote is: 'What dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.' And I am afraid we will have to try very hard to top that pun, little one."

"But I still do not understand it, Mr. Darcy."

"Remember in the park, when you found the sparrow?" When Lydia nodded, he continued, "Well, the bird had divested itself of its mortal coil. It no longer needed its earthly body, because it had died. Do you understand?" Again she nodded; and Darcy smiled and said, "Good. We are to be brother and sister, you know. So you must never be afraid to approach me if you have a question. Now, let us hear what our other opponents are saying."

"Miss Lucas, do you happen to know which monarch of medieval England was famous because he spent so many knights at his Round Table writing books?"

Charlotte clasped her hands under her chin and gazed in rapt wonder at her friend's father. "Why, no! Oh, but please do enlighten us, Mr. Bennet."

"It was King
Author
, of course." Their opponents thought the two were unfairly hamming it up, but the audience groaned and reluctantly clapped.

Susanna Palmer, the housekeeper, tiptoed into the room, curtsied, and spoke softly to Mrs. Bennet, who then announced dinner would soon be served. "I have advised Mrs. Palmer to keep the first course of stew and biscuits warm until we end the final round. I suggest each team must now present two puns per turn, so we can finish here before we all shuffle off our mortal coils due to starvation."

Bloody hell, this is entirely too much pressure! Fiend seize it, as Bingley would say! Egad, why am I fretting over this inanity? Who would believe Fitzwilliam Darcy, heir to Pemberley, Northumbrella, and the famous Darcy fortune would be involved in such folly?
The gentleman from Derbyshire looked around at his new family and realized he had never been happier, and he anticipated spending many more days and nights in such a manner.
Knights!
After a quick consultation with his teammate, he announced, "When those around King Arthur's Round Table had insomnia, there were a lot of
sleepless knights
. So the
straight-edged ruler
decreed his men must, thereafter, practice
joust at knight
." Darcy could not keep the smirk off his face as he sat down, crossed his arms, and stared defiantly at his wife-to-be while the audience cheered and clapped.
There! Just try and trounce that trenchant triple treasure, Miss Lizzy Bennet.