Mr. Sunny Is Funny! (4 page)

The next morning me and the guys saw a sign on the boardwalk that said
SAND CASTLE JUDGING TODAY
! It said that a judge would be coming down the beach to choose the best sand castle. The winner would get a trip to France.

“Hey, what's that?” Neil asked, pointing up at the sky.

“Somebody is parasailing,” I said, and I told the guys what parasailing was.

“That is cool!” they all agreed.

We went down to the beach. A bunch of kids were looking at Mr. Sunny's sand castle through the fence. It was amazing. It looked just like a real castle.

“I must have silence as I put the finishing touches on my sanderpiece,” Mr. Sunny said. “It must be perfect so I can win the trip to France.”

Mr. Sunny had hooked up an electric toothbrush to his solar-powered baseball cap. He was crawling around on the
ground, using the toothbrush to brush away the last tiny specks of loose sand.

“Your sand castle rocks, Mr. Sunny!” Michael said.

“It's gonna blow the doors off all those other sand castles,” I told him. “You're sure to win the contest.”

Mr. Sunny got up and stepped back from his castle.

“That's it!” he announced. “
Voilà! Fini!
*
My sanderpiece is complete!”

“WOW!” everybody said, which is “MOM” upside down.

I spotted Andrea down by the water, so
me and the guys went over there to pester her. Pestering girls is fun. Especially Andrea. She was eating a piece of pizza and reading one of her Shakespeare books.

“Are you still upset about Mr. Sunny?” I asked her.

“‘What's done, is done,'” Andrea said sadly. “‘They do not love that do not show their love.' ‘Love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs.' ‘Fair is foul and foul is fair.'”

I didn't know that Shakespeare guy wrote about baseball.

“Stop moping around,” I told Andrea. “You should take my advice and pretend to drown.”

“Yeah,” said Neil the nude kid, “it's the only way to get Mr. Sunny to notice you.”

“And this is the perfect time,” Ryan added. “He just finished his sand castle. He's got nothing to do until the judge shows up.”

“But what if pretending to drown doesn't work?” Andrea asked, dabbing her eye with a tissue.

“There's only one way to find out,” said Michael.

Andrea thought it over. Then she stood up.

“Okay,” she said, handing me her book, “I'll do it!”

Andrea went running out into the ocean.

“Don't forget to yell ‘help' and ‘glub, glub,'” I hollered at her.

“This is gonna be cool,” said Ryan.

 

We all watched as Andrea dived into a wave and swam out into the deep water. That's when the strangest thing in the history of the world happened.

“Shark!” somebody suddenly screamed. “There's a shark out there!”

We all squinted to see. Sure enough, there was a fin moving back and forth. It was on the other side of
the beach from where Andrea was swimming.

“It's probably that crazy guy Mr. Granite,” Michael said. “He must be swimming back to Australia.”

But it wasn't that crazy guy Mr. Granite. And it wasn't a kid. And it wasn't a lifeguard. And it wasn't my mom or dad or sister. You'll never believe in a million hundred years who it was.

I'm not gonna tell you.

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. But you have to read the next chapter, so nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you!

“It's a real, live SHARK!” somebody yelled.

“Eeeeeeeeeeeek!” screamed somebody else.

“Run for your lives!” shouted Neil the nude kid.

Everybody was yelling and screaming
and freaking out. Mr. Sunny blew his whistle and ran down the beach toward the water.

“Leave this to me,” he said. “I know how to handle sharks. I'll lure it away from the beach.”

“But Mr. Sunny!” I yelled to him. “Andrea—”

“No time for that now!” Mr. Sunny said, and he dived into the water and started swimming toward the shark.

“Help!” yelled Andrea. “I'm drowning!”

“Mr. Sunny can't hear you!” I hollered to Andrea. “He's chasing a shark!”

“Glub, glub,” said Andrea.

“Hey, she's pretty good,” said Ryan. “She's even doing the ‘glub, glub' part.”

“Well, she takes acting lessons after school,” I told the guys.

“A.J.,” said Michael, “I think Andrea might be in trouble.”

“Nah, it's all a big act,” I told him. “Andrea's a great swimmer. She's been taking swimming lessons since she was three.”

Andrea takes lessons in everything. If they gave lessons on how to clean your ears, she would take them so she could get better at it.

“Help!” Andrea yelled. “I have a cramp! Glub, glub.”

Then her head went under the water. That's when I realized something.

Andrea wasn't pretending to drown! SHE WAS REALLY DROWNING! And she went swimming right after eating pizza!
The shark might smell the pizza in her stomach and attack her!

Mr. Sunny couldn't hear Andrea's cries for help. He was too busy chasing the shark.

I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Neil. Neil looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at me.

“You should jump in and save her, A.J.,” said Ryan.

“Why me?” I asked. “You save her.”

“You're the one who's in love with her,” Ryan pointed out. “You should save her.”

“I am NOT in love with her,” I insisted.

“You are too!”

“Am not!”

We went back and forth like that for a while.

“Help!” yelled Andrea.

“There's no time to argue about it!” Neil said. “She's drowning! Are you gonna save her or not?”

“A.J.,” Michael said, “if you don't save Andrea, we're gonna tell everybody you're in love with her.”

WHAT???!!!

So if I saved Andrea, everybody would think I love her. And if I didn't save Andrea, the guys would tell everybody I love her. No matter what I did, everybody would think I love Andrea.

“Glub, glub,” Andrea said. Then she
disappeared under the water.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say. I had to think fast. I was thinking so hard that my brain hurt.

This was the hardest decision of my life.

I ran toward the ocean and jumped into the waves. I swam as fast as I could. Finally, I found Andrea under the water. She was heavy! I picked her up and dragged her back to the beach. She was lying on the sand with her eyes closed.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Andrea wasn't waking up.

“She can't breathe!” yelled Ryan. “She needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!”

“Call Mr. Sunny!” I yelled.

“He's still out there chasing the shark,” Michael said.

“You're gonna have to do it, A.J.,” said Neil the nude kid.

“Why me?” I asked. “You do it!”

“No, you. “

We went back and forth like that for a while. Andrea was just lying there. Somebody was going to have to do it. So I knelt down next to Andrea and tilted her head back, just like Mr. Sunny showed us. Then I pinched her nostrils shut. Then I leaned over and put my mouth over hers and blew air into it.

Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna die!

“Glub, glub,” Andrea said. Then she spit out some water and opened her eyes.

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Andrea were kissing. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?”
asked Michael.

“Arlo!” Andrea said. “You saved my life! I love you!”

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

“I thought you were in love with Mr. Sunny,” I said, backing away from her as fast as I could.

“That creep?” Andrea said as she
got up. “He's way too old. You're the only man for me, Arlo. ‘O, beauty, till now I never knew thee'!”

Andrea was talking that Shakespeare talk and putting her arms all over me.

“Hey, knock it off,” I told her.

“O Arlo, Arlo! Wherefore art thou Arlo?”

“Will you leave me alone?” I said, pushing her away. “And quit talking that Shakespeare talk.”

“‘Good night, sweet prince,'” Andrea said. “‘Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be morrow.'”

Andrea grabbed me again and leaned over until her mouth was almost touching mine.

She puckered up her lips.

Ewww, disgusting! Andrea was about to kiss me again!

I didn't know what to say! I didn't know what to do! I had to think fast!

“SHARK!” I yelled.

Everybody looked out at the water. In all the excitement over Andrea drowning, we had forgotten about Mr. Sunny!

“Help!” Mr. Sunny yelled. “Help!”

“Did Mr. Sunny take acting lessons?” asked Michael.

“He's drowning, you fobbing, toad-spotted, maggot pie!” said Andrea.

“Oh, snap!” Ryan said. “She called you a fobbing, toad-spotted, maggot pie.”

“Help! Help!” called Mr. Sunny as his head dipped below the water. “Glub, glub.”

“Mr. Sunny's a lifeguard,” said Neil the nude kid. “How can he be drowning?”

“Maybe he's not a real lifeguard,” I said. “Did you ever think of that? Maybe he's a fake lifeguard. Maybe he kidnapped our real lifeguard and is holding him in an underground jail cell on a
secret island. Stuff like that happens all the time, you know.”

But this was not a good time to discuss whether Mr. Sunny was a real lifeguard or not. I ran to the water, jumped in, and swam out to Mr. Sunny. He was even heavier than Andrea! Somehow I managed to drag him to the beach.

“He's not breathing!” Michael said.

“Give him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, Arlo!” said Ryan.

“Why do I always have to be the one to do it?” I asked.

“He could die, Arlo!” Andrea shouted.

So I knelt down next to Mr. Sunny, tilted his head back, and pinched his nos
trils shut. Then I leaned over and put my mouth over his and blew air into it.

Ugh, disgusting! I thought I was gonna die.

“Glub, glub,” Mr. Sunny said. Then he spit out some water and opened his eyes. “Thanks, dude! You saved my life.”

“Oooooh!” Ryan said. “A.J. and Mr. Sunny were kissing. They must be in
love
!”

“When are you gonna get married?” asked Michael.

“Boys are dumbheads,” said Andrea.