Mummy, Make It Stop (3 page)

I was jealous of all the girls around me. They looked so nice in their pretty ankle socks, shiny black patent shoes and lovely dresses. I wore shoes with holes in them, dirty over-the-knee socks that I rolled down to make them look like ankle socks, and a threadbare dress that had seen better days. My blonde hair was never brushed and George had cut it into a bob with a straight fringe two inches too short, making it look as if my forehead was too big. Yet another excuse for everyone to have a good laugh at me.

Sometimes I was jealous of Tanya too. She was slim and dark-haired and pretty, and although she had to wear the same tatty old clothes as me, she was a lot more confident and somehow managed to make plenty of friends. I wished I could be like her, but I just didn’t know how. Tanya never seemed lost for words, she didn’t go bright red if someone spoke to her, and she wasn’t afraid to join in the other kids’ games.

I loved Tanya. She was the person I was closest to in the world. Although I got jealous of her, and sometimes we fought and fell out, most of the time we were pals. We shared a room, and sometimes even a bed. If I was feeling sad or scared, Tanya would let me climb in beside her. I always felt a bit stronger if she was close by.

Perversely, George would make us go to school if we were ill. On one occasion I had caught impetigo and Mum had covered my mouth and chin completely in Gentian Violet, a bright purple ointment that was supposed to get rid of it. That day I was made to go to school. I cried and cried, saying I couldn’t go, but George took great delight in saying that I wasn’t staying at home with him looking like that. I hid for most of the time in the cloakrooms as the rest of the kids went about their normal day. But I couldn’t avoid everyone - some of them saw me and laughed their heads off at the way I looked, and I wished I could just melt through the floor and disappear.

The only time I had a taste of what it was like to be popular was when I pulled out the goodies I had stolen from the shop. I would bring them into the playground and then beam with delight as more and more kids crowded round to see what I had brought in that day. I loved the attention and milked every minute of it, trying to buy as many friends as I could as I handed out my biscuits and crisps. But no sooner had the last biscuit gone than so had all the kids and I would be left standing on my own. I’d go back to my usual spot on the wall in the corner of the schoolyard and watch everyone else play and laugh and have fun.

Then, one day, something amazing happened. I had been handing out Bourbon biscuits to everyone when I noticed that for the first time Amber Smith was in the group of people reaching out to me. I had always admired Amber - she always looked so clean and pretty and happy. She had loads of friends, seemed to know everyone and everyone knew and liked her.

My packet was almost empty, so I quickly grabbed one and handed it to Amber, smiling and hoping that she would smile back and stand near me for a minute longer. For a moment I felt a glow of happiness - one of the most popular girls in our year was standing with me.

As my last Bourbon was snatched away, the crowds disappeared, leaving me alone on my wall. Then Amber walked past me and handed me an envelope, saying, ‘You can come over earlier if you want to play at my house.’ I couldn’t believe it. What did she mean?

I stood there staring at the envelope. My name was written clearly on the front in black pen. The envelope was pink, with fairies on the front and little clouds on the back. It looked so pretty I didn’t want to rip it so I spent the rest of the morning break carefully pulling it open, a tiny bit at a time. When at last I opened the folded piece of paper inside I could hardly believe it. It was an invitation to Amber’s birthday party the following week.

That afternoon I ran home feeling so excited. As soon as I got in, I told Mum about the invitation. She looked irritated and snapped, ‘Don’t expect to take a present for her. And you’ll have to get someone to take you there, because I’m not.’ My whole body deflated. I should have known that Mum wouldn’t care. But at least she had said I could go. For the next few days I hugged that thought to me.

On the day of the party, a Saturday, I woke up earlier than normal in anticipation, my head spinning with excitement. I tried to imagine the party; I had never been to anyone’s house before, and I had certainly never been to a party. I didn’t know what to expect, but I was sure it would be lovely.

To my relief, Mum had got a card for me to give to Amber. At least I wouldn’t have to turn up with nothing. I didn’t have anything nice to wear - just an old skirt with the same old long socks I had to wear for school and my school shoes with holes in them. But even that didn’t dampen my spirits. By noon I was so excited I barely knew what to do with myself. I told Mum that Amber had said I could go earlier and play at her house before the party started, hoping that I could go really early. But Mum said no, and that I wouldn’t be going anywhere until the party started.

I was beside myself with disappointment. I went to my room and sat on the bed. Why couldn’t I go? I was desperate to go, no-one had ever wanted me to come and play before. Then I thought of a plan. What if I went early, and Mum didn’t know? I could just pretend I was playing outside, and then sneak off. I didn’t know where to go, but that was OK, because she had told me to get someone to take me.

As the time approached, I told Mum I was going to play out for while and she said OK. Then I went and found Paul, who was hanging about outside, and told him that Mum had said that he had to walk me to the party, as it was across the park. He agreed and we set off.

As we made our way across the park, my heart was jumping. I had never felt so excited and I didn’t even think about what would happen if Mum found out I had defied her. I thought my plan was foolproof.

Paul dropped me off at the bottom of Amber’s street and I walked along, looking at the house numbers, until I saw hers. The street was much smarter than any I had seen before, and as I went up towards the front door my excitement gave way to nerves. The garden looked as though someone had spent a lot of time caring for the plants and making sure everything seemed just perfect. I stopped for a moment and gazed at it, thinking how pretty the flowers were.

As I approached, I saw Amber at the front window. I waved, and she came rushing to open the door for me. She looked beautiful in a gorgeous party dress with little white ankle socks and patent shoes. Her blonde hair was shiny and I wanted to touch it because it looked so nice and soft. She was beaming from ear to ear and yelled at me to come on inside.

The house was just as nice on the inside as it was on the outside. It felt warm and welcoming and as I stood in the hall I could see through the open doors that the rooms were painted in lovely colours and were full of beautiful things. On the hall wall was a picture of Amber and her family all sitting together, with her mum and dad’s arms around her and her brother. They all looked so happy and cared for.

Just then Amber’s mum appeared in the hallway.

‘Hi, you must be Louise,’ she said, smiling.

Nervously, I nodded and tried to smile back. Her voice was so calm and gentle and she was smiling at me, even though she didn’t know me. Why would she be like that? Mum and George were never like that - they always seemed agitated by us kids and we wouldn’t have dared ask any other child back to our house.

Amber’s mum was so kind that I soon began to relax. Just then, Katie, another girl from school, turned up and Amber’s mum suggested we go upstairs to play until the rest of the children arrived.

Amber’s room was wonderful. She had a bunk-bed and desk all in one, with the bed bit at the top. My eyes were racing around the room, spotting Barbie dolls, prams, games and loads of stuff I had always dreamed of having. I had asked every year for the last three years for a Barbie doll for my birthday or for Christmas, but it never came. I could hardly believe that Amber had several.

She had fairies all over her wallpaper and a border in pink and purple going all round her room. I thought it looked just like a little girl’s room should. I felt so happy. Amber and her mum seemed to like me and want to be with me and I wished I could stay with them forever.

Katie and I sat on the floor and Amber showed us the presents she’d got from her family. I couldn’t help but feel jealous at the array of lovely things she had. I had never known anything like that. In our house birthdays were a non-event. We were lucky to get a small present. Usually we just got a fiver, but somehow the money was always ‘borrowed’ back by Mum, so I never got to spend it.

When the other children arrived we went downstairs. The rooms were decorated with birthday banners and ribbons, balloons were tied up everywhere and there must have been about twelve or thirteen birthday cards on the window sill - and that was before any of Amber’s school friends’ cards had been added. The kitchen table had a princess tablecloth with ‘happy birthday’ written across it, and paper plates lay on place-mats ready for the piles of gorgeous-looking party food laid out on the table. There were several adults there and they were smiling and talking to each other calmly - no-one was shouting or fighting or pointing aggressively, like our Mum did.

Amber’s mum kept coming up to her and touching her shoulders gently and hugging her, or kissing her forehead. I watched her, fascinated and filled with longing, wishing that she would hug and kiss me too. I had never been treated that way by anyone, Mum never hugged or kissed me, not even on my birthday or at Christmas, though I often wished she would. Sometimes when I was feeling really down I would sit next to her and start to try to nudge myself under her arm and onto her knee, hoping she would give me a hug or a cuddle, but she would just push me away and tell me to sit somewhere else. I never felt that she really liked me.

The party was just getting going, and we were about to play a game, when Amber’s dad came into the room. Smiling kindly, he took me quietly to one side and told me my brother was downstairs and that I had to go home straight-away.

I stared at him, horrified. Surely I wasn’t going to have to leave this lovely place, the wonderful party I had looked forward to so much and that had barely got started? Surely Mum wouldn’t be so unkind?

I wanted it to be some kind of mistake. I looked towards Amber, hoping she would plead with me to stay, but she was lost in her new toys and surrounded by friends.

I walked slowly downstairs behind Amber’s dad, trying to put off the moment when I would have to leave this magical place and go back to face what I knew was coming.

Paul was standing in the doorway. He looked up and said, ‘Mum wants you home, NOW.’ Reluctantly, I followed him out of the door. I turned back and saw Amber’s dad smiling at me from the doorway. He waved before he closed the door.

All my excitement and happiness evaporated as I followed Paul back across the park in silence. I tried not to think about what was waiting for me back at home, but my eyes started to fill with tears as I begged Paul to tell me what Mum had said to him. He just kept quiet the whole way, which only confirmed that I was in serious trouble.

Paul didn’t come in with me. He left me at the door and turned to go. He looked over his shoulder at me as he rounded the corner. I could see in his eyes that he felt for me. None of us ever liked seeing one of the others punished. We had all been there too often.

I opened the front door as quietly as I could, and tiptoed into the house, hoping that by some miracle everything had been forgotten and I wouldn’t be punished. I could see Mum sitting in her chair, eyes fixed on the television screen. She turned and saw me, and got up, her face thunderous.

‘How dare you defy me? This will be the last time you disobey me, you little cow.’ Her voice didn’t sound like it normally did when we were in trouble; it was calmer. George was standing just behind her, his face expressionless, staring at me.

‘Upstairs,’ he barked.

He marched past me and straight upstairs as I looked pleadingly at Mum, wishing she would help me. She looked at me coldly and nodded towards the stairs. ‘Go on,’ she said. Then she walked back to her chair and sat down.

Tears began to roll down my cheeks and I couldn’t move my feet. Fifteen minutes earlier I had never felt so happy. Now I was petrified, and I knew there was nothing I could do to avoid what was coming.

Slowly, I made my way upstairs. George was waiting in the doorway to the boys’ room. As I reached the landing, he grabbed hold of my arm and dragged me to the bottom bunk-bed. He pushed me face down on the bed, pulling my skirt up and ripping my knickers down. I could hear him flexing his belt as he stood there above me.

‘I’ll make sure you can’t go anywhere for a week,’ he snarled.

Four powerful lashes later, he was gone, leaving me crying on the floor, my bottom raw and bleeding and my knickers still round my ankles. I lay there for a long time, in too much pain and shock to even cry.

Eventually, I managed to drag myself into my room, where I crawled onto my bed. I lay there thinking about the party and how much fun everyone would be having. I imagined the games they would all be playing, and Amber’s mum, with her kind face, smiling, and the delicious food I never got to taste. I cuddled my teddy bear and cried into his soft fur.

On Monday morning, back at school, I was treated just as I had always been. No-one spoke to me, and I retreated silently to the wall in the playground. I watched Amber and her friends playing, but she didn’t even look at me. Was she angry that I had left? Or had she simply forgotten all about me? I guessed that was it. It was as though I had never been to her party, or had that precious glimpse into her life.