My Big Fat Supernatural Wedding (5 page)

"Well. . . perhaps you have a point, Son." His mother sighed into the receiver.

"Hugh just threw me his apartment keys and left to go stay with his family in the hotelthe poor man couldn't take no more tonight, even if we are homeboys."

"Baby, that's such a shame," his mother said quietly. "He'll be all right. His family is prayed up, ain't they? Besides, I don't think your uncles aimed to kill . . .

uhmmm, just to deter."

"I ain't got no shoes, no drawers, no clean shirts, and all the good stores are closed. My best man is four inches shorter than me, so scratch me borrowing a suit from him. His car is totaled; my car battery mysteriously just died; how am I gonna get to the mall? Ain't no buses running out here. Not to mention, I can't get hold of Odeliasince for some reason, my cell phone, and any other phone I touch, won't connect with her number. Now you tell my uncles for me, if they don't wanna see Jeb's son really lose his temper, then they'd better stop throwing
whatever
it is that they're hurling over the fence toward the Hatfields! Y'all gonna make me lose my mind and conjure myself!"

"Oh, Lord . . . don't tell 'em that. It'll jus' get their hopes up."

"Baby girl!"

Odelia stood stockstill as her father waltzed into the motel lobby with a bag of ice. Reluctantly, she hugged him, hoping he wasn't involved in the fray.

"Just look at my chile, all growed up." "Dad," she said calmly, "what did Auntie Effie do?" "She didn't do nothin'," he protested, peering away sheepishly as he held a dripping bag of ice. "They was out, machine went dead here, so I had to go make a run to get some" "Daddy . . ." Odelia's hands went to her hips. "Aw, you know Effie. She just got herself a bad case of the hives . . . you know how highstrung she is. Might be shingles. She had them once or twice, and they say it never really goes away. But, uhm, after the food poisoning passed through her and all her sisters, we was all able to get on the road and travel up in a coupla vans with no problem. You get the dress I sent you, suga'?" Her father flashed her the most dashing smile and his thick bicep wrapped around her in a onearmed bear hug.

"Yes, Daddy," she said calmly, and returned his hug. "It's beautiful."

"I'ma be a proud man to walk down the aisle with ya looking just like yo' momma . . . even if he is
a McCoy."

She let the dig pass, as well as the sentimental reference to her mother. "Youall don't stop, ain't gonna be no wedding."

"Now, now, don't git yourself all worked up. We all agreed to a truce," he said, patting her arm as he hoisted up the ice higher.

"My maid of honor's hair is green. Black beetles attacked her salad. She threw up in public
in a restaurant.
A crow pooped on her head in the street. The girl is laid out on her sofa, traumatized. Tell Aunt Effie to stop, because whatever she sent toward Jefferson boomeranged, missed me, and hit my best Friend."

Her Father looped his arm beneath hers and Feigned shock as they began to walk. "Do tell. Now, see, that's why I don't Fool with them tacky establishments.

Your girlfriend oughta be more selective"

"Dad, I'm serious."

She watched her Father swallow away a smile.

"Aw right. Your Nana Robinson made us call a truce, like I said, any ole way.

Plus I heard that Rev got up a prayer wall, so it musta accidentally slid onto whoever was near ya."

Odelia stopped walking. "I haven't been able to get in touch with Jefferson all day."

Her Father patted her arm and kissed the top of her head. "Oh, he'll be all right.

He's covered, I reckon."

"You reckon?"

"Effie and your other aunties was truly offended by Nana Robinson's accusations."

"Where's Nana?"

"Alive. That old bat is fine."

"Daddy!"

Her father sighed. "I don't rightly know. Probably holed up with Reverend Mitchell, and them Jones people. They had the nerve to form an alliance agin' us Hatfieldshave you ever heard such? We supposed to be kin, us and the Robinsons!"

"What happened?" Jefferson said in a near whisper as he looked around the hotel room that all his uncles had packed into for a family meeting. Were it not for a lift by another buddy, Jefferson wouldn't have been there at all.

Each one of them had dark red splotches all over their faces and was itching and scratching so badly that it gave Jefferson a nervous tic. His mother stood at his side, arms folded over her big bosom, wig firmly set on her head, her expression a mixture of victory and disgust.

"Serves 'em all right. I done tol' 'em Grandma Jo meant what she said. But they had to tes' my momma and it done boomeranged on all of 'em. They couldn't even eat dinner at Red Lobster, for everybody getting sick."

"Boy, tell your grandma to call off the hoodoo hounds so we can all go to your graduation tomorrow," his uncle Rupert begged, scratching his crotch. "There's conjuring, and then there's just plain ole unfair!"

"Son, I got a suit you can wear; one of us got some shoes," Melville cried, scratched a bald spot in his scalp, and then unbuckled his pants. "Tell that old lady that to make a man itch this bad where the sun don't shine just ain't Christian!"

"Where's Gran?" Jefferson asked his mother, too done For words.

"Over at the church, probably with Rev and the Robinson and Jones clan."

Odelia didn't wait to be told twice. Her mission was to find Nana Robinsonsanctuary. After seeing her thirteen aunts sprawled out on two beds, the floor, and room chairs scratching what looked like quartersized mosquito bites, Odelia was out. She lied, telling her fifty cousins who whooped and surrounded her in the hall with glad tidings that she'd be back to eat dinner with them, as soon as she doublechecked on her girlfriend. Eat there? Not. She just prayed for all the little kids, too numerous to count, hoping God truly did look after children and fools.

By the time she reached the church grounds, she was close to tears. Obviously, verbal truces aside, an allout war had started. If Jefferson had been hurt and caught in the cross fire, she vowed to mount her own vendettaagainst her own kin. This was absolutely outrageous!

Odelia doubleparked, dashed for the church house, rang Pastor Wise's door, and waited, hugging herself. She could hear loud voices and laughter and could smell the fragrance of good home cooking wafting from the windows. Why couldn't her life just be normal, like this? When the burly man with the big smile and warm eyes came to the door wearing a clerical collar, tears streamed down her face in earnest.

"Come on in here, darlin'; you got people waiting on you," he said, enfolding Odelia in his arms. "Reverend Mitchellthe bride's here!"

Odelia buried her face in the pastor's barrel chest and breathed deeply, staving off an allout crying jag. Another pair of warm, elderly hands petted her back and guided her away From Pastor Wise and across the threshold. Nana Robinson was smiling and standing next to a thin, gaunt woman with a kind Face and merry eyes.

A roomful of people surrounded the two older matrons, and Reverend Mitchell kept his arm tightly around Odelia's shoulders. But once she saw her nana, it was all over.

Breaking the reverend's hold, Odelia rushed to the thick, safe arms that had always been there for her as a child.

"I know, baby. We all heard about it," her nana cooed, stroking Odelia's hair.

"Now you go on upstairs with Pastor Wise's wife, get showered, and put your dress on. We sent your cousin to go git it, and a nice security guard from the building let us in, so we could save your momma's dress from the fire ants that decided to invade your apartment. The door was already open, on account of they had to fumigate."

"Fire ants?" Odelia was slackjawed.

"Oh, we got the dress and shook 'em out." her nana reassured her. "We's gonna fetch your daddy, and that boy's momma, and bring jus' them here for a little repast. The rest of them fools got contagion." Her nana chuckled and clucked her tongue as she held Odelia back so she could wink at her. "Brought it on deyselves

. . . don't know how that happened?"

"Uhmmmhmmrn," the thin woman beside her nana said. "The Lord do work in mysterious ways."

"Now, Grandma Jo, I thought you old girls agreed to leave this mess in the purview of prayer"

"We did, Reverend Mitchell," Grandma Jo said, pressing a gnarled hand to her chest in shock. "You know we too ole to be acting like that, and we cooked up some good food that ain't gonna make nobody sick. Got a purty cake for the ceremony . . . lemon butter pound, a real cake, not some sto'bought mess."

Odelia looked around, confused. "You're Jefferson's Grandma Jo?"

"Yes, baby. Welcome to the Family. I'm a Jones. Don't get me conFused with being no McCoy."

Healthy shouts of Amens Filled the room, as Family members From Jefferson's mother's people gathered around Odelia.

Frantic, Odelia's gaze scanned the house. "Is Jefferson all right?"

"That nice young man is fine," Pastor Wise's wife said. "He's upstairs dressing in the suit his Grandma Jo had presence of mind to buy for him as a graduation present, along with some shoes and whatnot."

"Best to always be prepared," Grandma Jo said, pressing her lips together to stifle a smug smile.

"Well, they do say, the Lord helps those who he'p theyselves," Nana Robinson said, nodding with Grandma Jo.

"What happened to Jefferson's suit he was gonna"

"There's plenty of time to talk about that later," Pastor Wise's wife said, interrupting Odelia's question. She shot her husband a coy, knowing glance. "I'll take you into my daughter's room so you can get ready For the wedding."

Odelia Froze. "The wedding? Tonight?" Her voice had come out in a squeak.

"We gettin' a jump on 'em, suga'," Nana Robinson said calmly. "By tomorrow, it'll be all over but the shouting; then maybe you two can graduate in peace. I didn't drive all this way For no nonsense."

"No truer words been said," Grandma Jo concurred. "If you stop crying, hurry up, and get dressed, y'all be married within an hour, then we can Finally eatI done put my big toe in that macaroni and cheeseand y'all can go on and do what young Folks do. Get you a hotel room and get busy, seeing as how neither one of y'all's apartments is fit to live in, right through here. Jus' don't get too lovecrazy and fergit to set your clock. Like your nana said, I ain't come all this way to miss my boy's graduation. Hmmph!"

Odelia opened her mouth and closed it.

Both Pastor Wise and Reverend Mitchell discreetly chuckled with the rest of the Family as the pastor's wife ushered Odelia through the house toward the stairs, winding a path through widely smiling kinFolk. Her cheeks Felt hot, and Mrs.

Wise squeezed her arm when Grandma Jo called out to Nana Robinson, "Girl, you ain't fergit to spice them greens with something to bring greatgrands quick, did ya?"

"You oughts ta know me better than that, Jolene. We Robinson women don't play, when it comes to the kitchen," Nana Robinson Fussed back.

"Good. 'Cause like I said, I put my Foot in that macaroni and cheese."

Odelia
 wasn't sure if it was something in the greens, the mac and cheese, the fried chicken, or the lemon butter pound wedding cake. None of the elderly chefs were to be trusted; they all believed in big families. Might've been a sleight of hand by the maker of the tuna mac, potato salad, sweet potatoes, or even something slipped into the snap beans, rice, or ham. Anything was fair game to produce more greatgrandbabies. On the other hand, trying to remain logical, it very well could've been the yearlong wait for the right partner, or the peach iced tea could have been spiked, knowing their families. Maybe it was simply lovego figure.

All she was very sure of was, Jefferson McCoy hadn't let her sleep a wink all night and was still sweating like he'd run a marathon this morning. Bottom line, Odelia was married, happy, and it was clear that they were both going to be very late For their graduations.

L..A. BANKS. (a.k.a. Leslie Esdaile Banks) is a native of Philadelphia, a graduate of the University of Pennsylvania Wharton undergraduate program, and holds a Masters in Fine Arts from Temple University's School of Film and Media Arts. After a stellar tenyear career as a corporate marketing executive for several Fortune 100 hightech firms, Banks changed careers in 1991 to pursue a private consulting careerwhich ultimately led to fiction and film writing. Now, with more than twentyfour novels and ten anthology contributions in an extraordinary breadth of genres, and many awards to her credit, Banks writes fulltime, and resides with her husband and children in Philadelphia. Look for her Vampire Huntress Legends series and a full listing of her published works at www.vampirehuntress.com

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"SOMETHING BORROWED"

copyright © 2006 by Jim Butcher.

Steel pierced my leg and my body went rigid with pain, but I could not allow myself to move. "Billy," I growled through my teeth. "Kill him."

Billy the Werewolf squinted up at me from his seat and said, "That might be a little extreme."

"This is torture," I said.