My Blue River (30 page)

She looked at me with thoughtful eyes. “Addy, you’ll know what is right when the time comes.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that when August rolls around, I’m certain you’ll board that airplane headed for California. Jack will simply be your first love and you will one day recall fond memories of your time together and yes, you’ll probably always love him…on some level…but he’s not the one for you.”

I was now certain that Dr. Margaret Davis was a cyborg. I honestly thought that tonight would be the moment we bonded as women, but for some reason she was incapable of feeling. She didn’t understand me, Jack, or love. She couldn’t think beyond her textbook philosophy. I had officially given up on her ever understanding me and my life.

There was no way I would let her ruin this night so I took the high road. I took in a deep breath then released it. “You know what, Mom, I think you’re wrong. I love you. Thanks for the gift and for coming to the party.”

I could’ve fought with her but I would have been wasting my valuable time and energy. She was who she was; just as I was who I was. Nothing was going to change that fact. It was time to move on. I gave her a hug then walked away without looking back to see her expression.

Throughout the evening Jack kept asking me what was wrong to which I would reply, “Nothing.” We had a quick and funny moment with Aaron in which we debated which animal crap smelled worse—pig’s or cow’s. Aaron’s gestures were so funny that briefly, I had been cheered up but when my mood slumped again, Jack asked one final time what was bothering me. I repeated, “Nothing.” He finally gave up, accepting I wasn’t willing to talk about it.

When the crowd completely thinned, Jack and I found ourselves alone on The Beach. We finally had the chance to exchange gifts. We sat down on big logs by the fire. I got him several music CDs and two of his favorite movies. We burst into laughter when I opened my gifts because he got me similar items but different CDs and movies.
I guess we must have been on the same wavelength.

“This is great, Jack. My mom got me a new iPod. I can load all these on it before I leave and listen to them on the airplane. Seriously, I love your gifts.”

“I love yours, too.” He leaned in for a kiss, but it was brief, leaving my lips hanging in the air for more.

Our happy moment became an awkward silence. Neither one of us wanted to discuss my imminent departure and neither one of us had convinced the other to change their minds over the last several months. It appeared it wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

We discussed some ideas for what to do over the summer, but we both knew time was ticking. The summer was going to fly by. Jack would be farming and I had taken some extra hours at Brody’s Supermarket. I was quickly changing my mind about wanting to be an adult and the thrill of going off to college had lost its zest.

********

Jack’s Journal

Saturday, June 4

Graduation Day and Party!

As we lined up for graduation, I had Lisa and Addy switch places. Addy and I shared a look. We shared a moment. I was wishing we were walking down a church aisle getting married. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing. But the day took a different turn.

I was glad I went with my back up plan gift tonight. Addy was beaming with excitement each time she spoke of her college plans. It’s like her love for California can’t be matched. It’s deflating really. It was impossible to get her alone and when I finally did, once again, I chickened out. When she said she had a gift for me, I ran to the Jeep for her gift. I took her original gift out of my pocket, the two diamond promise ring, and tucked it into the glove compartment. Glad I had a backup plan.

She’s not ready to wear my ring or commit to “us” in the way I want and need her to be and if she decides to board that plane in August, I’m not sure she’ll ever be ready. I’m not sure we’ll make it.

25. Full Circle

Just as I had imagined, the summer months passed by as quickly as a warm breeze. I suddenly wanted the ability to control time; I wanted life to be like one of my photographs and simply make time stand still, leaving Jack and I wrapped up in each other’s arms. It wasn’t that way though. My future had found me, and by tomorrow, I would be on an airplane headed for Southern California.

It was a steamy August night. Jack and I had decided to spend our last night together at his house. We had never gotten around to my guitar lessons so tonight he was going to teach me a few chords. It seemed silly since I didn’t plan to take a guitar to California but I would accept any excuse to spend time with him. We had been at The Barn last night for the group farewell “off-to-college” type of party. Tonight we wanted to be alone. After one last glance in the mirror, I grabbed my purse and headed for the door.

“Goin’ to Jack’s!” I hollered to my parents.

They were busying themselves with a new computer program that would manage their finances. Mom shouted, “Not too late!” as I flew out the door.

They were going out later as well, so when I returned, they probably wouldn’t even be here but I responded anyway, calling out, “Okay!”

When I reached the Cooper residence, Jack was outside throwing the ball to his new dog, Baxter. I was irrationally annoyed that his parents gave him a thousand dollars and a dog for a graduation gift.
Who does that? Oh, that’s right. The Coopers. The people who are completely fine with their son’s lack of planning. The people who are fine with the fact their son isn’t willing to cross over the borders of Montana.

Baxter was a black and white Border Collie and he was cute, but I still thought he was a ridiculous graduation gift and he only cemented the fact that Jack wasn’t leaving. The last time I brought up the subject of college, Jack reminded me he wasn’t “college material” and that was probably my final reminder. I was still frustrated that he didn’t seem to have post-graduation plans besides farming and handyman work. I was mostly frustrated that the majority of his handyman work would be at Brooke’s house but that was a conversation for another night. Tonight, we would make music.

Jack’s parents were away for the weekend celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. I had already given them my hugs, kisses, and goodbyes earlier in the week.

I hugged Jack when I arrived and offered a pat on the head to Baxter. I couldn’t resist Baxter’s puppy dog eyes any more than I could resist Jack’s. Once we ventured indoors, Jack picked up his guitar and began to play and sing. Even after all this time, I still marveled at how talented he was at everything—especially music—and when he sang, it made my skin prickle.

“Okay, now it’s your turn,” Jack offered me his guitar.

I was so mesmerized by him that I hadn’t quite caught what he said.

“Excuse me? I’m sorry. What did you say?” I shook my head, releasing from my trance.

“I’m going to be crushed if you say you’re thirteen hundred miles away again, considering you’re about to be that far away from me real soon.” The expression on his face said he meant every word. He would be crushed.

“No, actually, I’m very much right here. I’m right here in this moment with you. You’re amazing, Jack.”

He liked what he heard and his dimples revealed themselves. He scooted a little closer to me.

“I’m amazing, huh?”

“Yeah, you are.” I smiled and leaned in for a quick kiss.

“I know I’m not familiar with country music, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard that song before. It was beautiful.”

“Well, you haven’t heard it because…I wrote it,” he shyly admitted.

“Really! You never cease to amaze me, Jackson A. Cooper.”

“I hope that’s true. I always want to amaze you and I always make you happy.”

My heart fluttered. This time he leaned in for a kiss. It was just a quick peck, yet still thrilling.

“So, should we get going with your lesson?” he asked.

“Yep, sounds good. What do I do?”

He placed my fingers on various strings and I pressed them hard. He then showed me how to properly strum the guitar. I couldn’t believe I was actually making music using an instrument.

“Hey, I’m doing it! I’m actually doing it!” I exclaimed.

“See? I told you it would be a hidden talent! Maybe we’ll form a local music group—the VonCoopers!”

I laughed. “Sure! But that’ll be hard since I won’t be here.”

Jack shrugged his shoulders. He had long since given up on covertly convincing me to stay, but he still threw in the occasional “subtle” comment. I was leaving tomorrow, that much was certain. Just like I thought I was able to make him leave with me, he believed he could change my mind. He confirmed that thought by muttering, “We’ll see about that.”

“Hmm?” I pretended not to hear the comment.

“Oh, I just said, I hope you like that.”

“Like what?” I tried baiting him into the truth.

“Playing the guitar,” he lied.

“Oh, yeah, I do,” I didn’t lie.

He sat watching me for a while then said, “You look cute.”

“I do? Do I look professional?” I kept strumming, adding more exaggerated flare to my act.

He laughed and I was certain I looked just plain silly, which was confirmed when he fell back laughing so hard he had to hold his stomach. I gently put his guitar aside and jumped on top of him.

“You ticklish?” I began to tickle his sides.

He squirmed and said, “No,” but I knew he was.

“Don’t lie to me, Jack.”

His strength was greater than mine and he quickly tossed me over onto my back.

“How about you? You ticklish?” He began to tickle me. I was very ticklish and he knew it.

“Stop! Stop!” I begged, nearly wetting my pants.

“Hey, you started this game, babe,” said Jack.

“Mercy!” I cried.

“I’ll stop for a price.”

“Fine, I’ll pay anything!”

“A kiss,” he stopped tickling and was already bending down to receive his payment.

“Well, that’s an easy price to pay.” My lips were within inches of his.

“I’m glad you think that.” His voice was became sultry, his eyes intense and passionate.

He kissed me and pulled back, seemingly searching my face for what, I didn’t know. Intensity filled the air.

“You know, I’ve never been this close to anyone…emotionally, I mean…well, actually, physically, too,” he confessed.

“Really?” I looked away, almost embarrassed to admit my feelings. “I feel the same the way. I haven’t been very emotionally, or physically, involved, if you know what I mean.”

He gently pulled my chin to him. “Yeah, I do know what you mean. Addy, I…I…” He stammered, almost unable to utter his next words until he announced, “I have something for you.”

He jumped to his feet, ran upstairs to his bedroom and returned with a package. It was a small, rectangular box wrapped in blue paper with a gold ribbon.
How ironic, our school colors
.

“I have a present for you,” he extended the package to me.

I couldn’t bring myself to take the gift. “Oh, Jack, you didn’t need to get me anything! Why did you that? I didn’t get you anything. Now I feel stupid.”

“I’m not the one leaving.” He paused and seemed to be gathering courage for his next works. “I’m really proud of you for going to college, Addy. I really am.”

“You could be going with me, you know.”

“You know I’m not college material.” I had been wrong. There was indeed one more time he would remind me why he wasn’t leaving with me. He continued, “But I have a few ideas of what I could do for a living. Don’t worry. I’ll figure something out. Remember, I’m the Jack-of-all-trades.” He chuckled at his own joke, but I couldn’t even muster a smile.

I couldn’t be happy right now even while presented with a gift to open. I would have to leave behind the most incredible person in my life, all because he wouldn’t leave this silly little town.

I put my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me, even though there wasn’t much distance to close. I gave him a kiss and said, “I trust you. I know you’ll figure something out.”

“I will, now, go ahead. Open your present.” He was beaming, obviously pleased with himself as he once again extended to the package to me.

I pulled back and examined the gift. “Okay, do I need to be careful, or simply rip and tear?” I asked.

“Rip and tear.”

I snatched it out of his hand and suddenly got the feeling I had better sit down for this. I sat on the brown leather sofa where he joined me. I removed the paper and opened the box. It was a necklace with two silver circle pendants. One was engraved with
J L A
and the smaller circle was engraved with
forever.
It seemed to almost float above the larger circle. Two small stones clung to the small circle. One was my birthstone and the other Jack’s. The circle pendants were strung on a black leather cord with a silver toggle-type clasp.

“Jack, did you make this?” He nodded and began to tell me about a technique he had learned for working with metals and how he had flattened the silver then engraved the initials himself.

The entire story tugged at my heart. “It’s beautiful,” I said as I sat admiring it. “I know these are our birthstones, but I have to ask, what do the initials stand for and what’s up with the forever?”

“I was hoping you’d ask and I’m hoping you’ll always wear it as a reminder,” he turned me until my back was to him. He clasped the necklace around my neck and whispered, “JLA is to remember…Jack loves Addy and
forever
is how I feel about my love for you.”

A shock wave went through me. It wasn’t quite, “I love you,” but very close and very touching. In fact, everything Jack did touched places in my heart that I didn’t even know existed. He had awakened parts of my soul I thought were dead. He had a way of making me experience life and enjoy the beauty of the simplest, yet most important things that would have otherwise been lost on me. I felt the tears and decided tonight, I didn’t need to choke them back. They were happy tears. I wanted to say I loved him, too, but I stopped myself. I realized again that technically, he hadn’t just said those magical, three little words. I also decided it would only make leaving tomorrow more difficult so I just let the tears speak for themselves, and thankfully, he didn’t pursue a further response.

He wiped my tears and began to kiss me. We kissed until it became the most passionately we had ever kissed. His lips began to wander to my neck then back to my lips. He was testing the waters. He gently guided me to the floor, where we laid down and resumed kissing. His lips wandered down my neck; they wandered to the cleavage in my blouse. I didn’t stop him. He returned to my lips before I explored his neck, giving a quick nibble to his ear. A slight moan told me he liked that. While our lips were re-engaged, his right hand began to explore its options, going under my blouse, gently grazing one breast, then the other. I shuddered, feeling an arousal like I had never experienced before. I lifted my hips to meet his body. He pulled me closer. He released the hold and returned to my blouse where he started with each button, slowly, until my blouse fell open. He stared appreciatively at my body.

I began to work on the buttons on his shirt until it fell open and I pulled it from his body. Our bodies were sending the message—it was time. His eyes searched mine. We both knew this was a moment we would share and never forget. It would seal our love, and if Jack and I never shared a future, we would have at least shared this moment in time. We kissed again. He ran his hand up my inner thigh. I knew he wanted me. I felt a thrill rush through my body. I had waited for the perfect man to love; I had waited for the perfect moment to share this with him—to share myself with him—and Jack was that man. My head was becoming so foggy that I was forgetting I wanted to wait for marriage. A moan escaped my throat. My head was swirling with emotions; then thoughts. Thoughts of what was about to happen. Jack’s lips were at my bellybutton, with his hands on each side of my jean shorts, beginning to pull them downward, when I whispered, “Claire.”