My Body-His Marcello (20 page)

Try as I might, I
couldn’t stop worrying about the party. Who would be there? What
would I have to do or tolerate? Would Marcello and Janice be
invited?

The day before
the party I ran alone on the beach, pushing myself to exhaustion.
The apprehension of the impending gathering was playing havoc with
my unconscious mind.

It started with a
recurrence of the dream about the pitch-black vault. This time I
sat on the cot staring in what I thought to be the direction of the
door. I identified the smell as grilled cheese sandwiches and
tomato soup that my father used to make for me as a child. The big
locks clicked and the door opened, letting in the blinding light.
Summoning all the will I possessed, I focused my eyes. I needed to
see my rescuer, my salvation. My vision finally cleared and I
saw—surrounded by light—Marcello.

“
No!”
I screamed, sitting up in bed.

“
Jane,
what is it?” Luke said, groggy with sleep.

“
Nothing, never mind. I had a horrible dream, just go back to
sleep,” I said. My heart raced as I struggled to get control of my
emotions.

I lay back down
and Luke spooned me to him. He fell back asleep
immediately
.
I, however,
lay there worrying about the dream and what Marcello might do. I
was confused about what I felt for him, and I was convinced that
the three of us together at a party would be a dangerously volatile
combination.

Later that day I
made a phone call to my mother—evidence that anxiety about the
party was making me behave strangely. I acted like someone who knew
she would die soon and was reaching out for one last connection
with her past.

“
This
is a surprise,” she said.

“
I
thought I would see how you’re doing.”

“
Oh,
I’m the same … other than the fact that I worry constantly about
you.”

“
Worry
about me? Why?”

“
Are
things still okay with Luke?”

“
Things couldn’t be more perfect. We’re very happy.”

“
I
guess my maternal radar is malfunctioning. Anywho … guess who
took me to dinner last week?”

“
The
man in apartment 2A? Jim … Joe … something like that?” I was
encouraged to hear she had any kind of social life.

“
No,
Brian, your old boss. We ran into each other at Whole Foods and ate
dinner together. I still think you missed your chance with
him.”

“
I
wasn’t interested in him, Mom, and I’m very happily in love
sooo—”

“
And
anyway I told you James in 2A was a good-for-nothing. He’s never
happy when his grandchildren come to visit. Which reminds me, any
baby plans in the future?”

“
I
wouldn’t hold my breath.”

“
You
need to get on it. Your biological clock is ticking.”

“
I’ve
got to go, Mom. I just wanted to say that I was thinking about
you.” I shook my head, wondering what I had hoped to get out of
calling her.

“
Just
a minute, Jane. As I don’t know when I’ll hear from you again, let
me say this: I know you don’t think I’m much of a mother, but Jane,
please hear me out. I do worry about you now in a way I never did
when you were single. If you’re truly happy I will leave it alone
but if not I’ll always be here if you need to get out.”

“
Wow,
that’s a little pessimistic, Mom. But thanks for being there if I
need you.”

I should’ve been
warmed by her concern but instead it festered in me, as if she had
cast a curse on my happiness, foreshadowing my fate.

My final bizarre
choice that day was swinging by Pandora’s Box. Instead of driving
back home along the beach I drove down Dania Beach Boulevard. I
didn’t realize my motivation for stopping there until I stood in
front of the counter with Christian looking back at me.

“
Hi,
Jane,” he said, laying down the receipts in his hand.

He didn’t come
around the counter as he had in the past. I couldn’t interpret the
vibe he was putting out.

“
Is
there something I can show you?” he said when I still hadn’t
returned his greeting.

“
Oh
no, I’m not here to buy anything.”

“
What
then?” he said, impatience in his tone as if I kept him from
important work. He did not seem pleased to see me.

“
Was
wondering if you heard anything about a party happening at my
place?”

“
No, I
haven’t. Must be a private party. Why not ask Luke?”

“
He’s
keeping it a surprise. I was just wondering if you knew anything so
I could prepare myself. Sorry to have bothered you.”

He lifted his
eyebrows casually and said, “No bother.”

“
Okay,
thanks,” I said and headed toward the door.

“
Glad
to hear things worked out with Luke,” he said to my back, his tone
sarcastic. “My money was on Marcello.” He was laughing as I pushed
my way through the door.

His parting
comment bothered me all the way back to the house. For the first
time in the last few months I felt like running away. I knew I
would not follow through, but the urge kept getting stronger in the
two days leading up to the party.

* * *

The night before
the event I was sitting in my room writing when Luke came
in.

“
Jane?”

“
What?!” I said, jerking up in my chair.

“
Didn’t mean to scare you,” he said. He swiveled my chair to
face him and gave me a hug. “Are you okay?”

“
Worried about your plans for tomorrow night,” I said, looking
up at him. I felt tiny and vulnerable as he loomed over
me.

“
You
don’t trust me,” he said with a hearty laugh. “Jane, take my word,
you will thoroughly enjoy yourself.”

That’s what
scares me most, I thought.

“
Will
Marcello and Janice be here?”

“
Yes,
of course.”

“
Oh,”
I said. The energy drained out of me and I let go of Luke’s
waist.

“
Janey, love, just trust that you’ll have the time of your
life. I will see to it.”

“
Not
sure our ideas of fun are quite the same, Luke,” I said, swiveling
my chair away from him.

“
Hey,”
he said, bringing me back toward him. He lifted my chin, forcing me
to look at him. “You worry too much. I will be here the whole time
and we’ll get a lot of wonderful shots for your spread
online.”

“
Okay,” I said, mostly because I had no other choice. I would
go along with what he wanted. I already knew that about
myself.

I felt
butterflies in my stomach knowing Marcello would be in our house
again. I didn’t know how he’d act toward me and I planned to stay
as far away from him as I could. I looked forward to seeing Janice
and hearing all about her new life but that didn’t help calm my
fears.

* * *

Luke liked me
with no makeup or clothes, so there was little need for me to
prepare for the party. After I shaved and cleaned myself out, I
still had over an hour to wait. He hadn’t disclosed any of the
details of the gathering other than confirming Marcello and
Janice’s presence. I tried not to think about Marcello but my mind
kept wandering back to my time at his home. Part of me hoped he
would ignore me—I planned to ignore him—but another part still
craved his approval.

I held up in my
writing room as Luke prepared the house for the festivities. I
fantasized about staying in there all night just vaguely aware of
the goings on in the other rooms. My role, however, did not allow
me to steal away and document my woes in my journal.

“
Time
to greet our guests,” Luke said, waltzing into my room dressed in
black slacks and a button-down black collared shirt.

“
You
look nice,” I said, standing up and stretching my lower back by
twisting either way.

“
Thank
you, my love. I’m very excited about tonight as you should
be.”

I wrinkled my
nose but did not reply.
Excited
would not have been the word
I’d have chosen to describe the moment. Panicked, afraid, and/or
anxious would all have been better adjectives.

“
Come
here, silly,” he said, holding his arms out to me. He gave me a
quick hug and scuttled me out into the living room.

We sat on the
couch together waiting for our first guest to arrive. I could smell
the wonderful aromas of garlic and baked bread wafting from the
kitchen.

“
From
Marcello’s?” I said, pretending we were just having a nice dinner
in. I actually sat there for ten minutes in complete and utter
sweet denial snuggled up next to Luke.

“
Yes,
of course. It would be an insult to him any other way.”

I laughed,
because I was well aware of the size of Marcello’s ego, which was
only rivaled by Luke’s. “But of course,” I said.

At the first ring
of the doorbell, I started like a spooked cat.

Luke laughed at
me and said, “Relax, love.”

How I hated
having people tell me to relax when relaxation wasn’t
possible!

“
Welcome,” I heard Luke say. I waited anxiously to see who
would appear from beyond the door. I relaxed a bit when I saw Jack
enter the foyer. Jack was the older gentleman I met on my first day
of being naked in our old apartment.

“
Hi,
Jack,” I said, inching toward him. He wore jeans, a pink Polo shirt
and loafers.

“
Always a pleasure to see you. I’m very excited about tasting
you as well.”

“
Excuse me?” I said, stopping a few feet away and lowering my
outstretched hand.

“
Would
you excuse us for a moment?” Luke said, grabbing my upper arm and
pulling me along with him. He forced me through the first doorway,
which led to his office. “What the hell was that?” he demanded,
hands on his hips.

“
What
was what Luke? Are you expecting me to fuck all of your
guests?”

“
I
expect you to be respectful to each and every client and if I want
you to fuck from here to Japan, you will. Do you understand me,
Jane? Because I will not have you embarrassing me in front of our
guests.”

“
Why
is it you don’t feel it necessary to prepare me for these
things?”

“
Because your body’s mine, or have you forgotten who you
married? Marcello was right that I let too much time pass without
reminding you. After tonight, you will never again
forget.”

Looking back I
can see that we were all set for your everyday orgy, but my
attitude changed all of that. Did I intuit the direction the party
would go
in
, or had I
manifested all my fears into reality?

Luke went to the
back of his office to fetch rope and wrist straps that I knew he
had intended to leave be.

“
Come
with me, Jane,” he ordered. He was clutching my upper arm hard
enough to leave marks and forcing me to walk partially on tiptoe as
we returned to the living room. “Jane apologizes for her poor
behavior and would love to make it up to you,” he told
Jack.

Jack gave me a
reassuring smile. “It will be my pleasure and hopefully yours as
well.”

His kind words
didn’t help me feel any better about the situation I had partially
brought upon myself.

Luke retrieved a
platform from under the couch and pushed it directly under an eye
bolt in the ceiling. In that moment I knew what he was doing. He
had chosen to craft the nightmare I had recounted to him long ago.
I can’t explain how I was so certain of this. I began to shake even
before he bound my wrists together with the leather
strap.

He made quick
work of securing my arms over my head. I could barely reach the
ground with the balls of my feet. He left me there for a few
minutes and returned to attach a spreader to my ankles. Now I was
only able to balance on my toes, for my legs were in a fixed,
wide-open position. I could tell he was making the scene up on the
fly because he left the room at one point and came back with a
selection of whips and paddles. He also carried a chain, which he
attached between my nipple piercings. It connected to another chain
that wrapped around my waist. The initial jolt of having my breasts
forced downward caused excruciating pain—a pain that quickly
subsided as my sick, demented body caused a metamorphosis from pain
into pleasure.

“
Luke,
I’m having déjà vu,” I said, trying to calm my breathing as fear
seared through me.

“
I
would think so, Jane. I have not forgotten the dream you had right
after we first moved in together.” His smirk really scared me.
“Maybe we should wait and see who the highest bidder
is?”

“
Luke,
I know you’re mad but you wouldn’t ...”

A knock sounded
on the door, diverting his attention. Jack stood next to me,
sorting through the items Luke had laid out for my discipline. I
hadn’t seen this side of Luke since the day I’d run away from the
house months ago. I wished I was having one of my wacky dreams that
I would wake up from and realize I could do that one moment
over.