My Body-His Marcello (16 page)

I doddered into
the bathroom and examined the artwork on my ass. “What the hell did
he use?” I asked Janice.

“
A
bamboo cane.”

My buttocks and
upper thighs were red and bruised. Wherever the lines of the cane
overlapped, it was already turning black and blue. “Jeez, bamboo is
not your friend and I was worried about that damn spatula thing.
How long will it take to heal?” I said as I emerged from the
bathroom.

“
Less
time than it took you to heal from my whipping. This is a bit more
internal than external. Oh the paddle with the holes in it can be
rather enjoyable.”

“
I
don’t think I care to find out. I also don’t think I like pain in
the same way you do. I certainly didn’t enjoy this.”

“
You
weren’t supposed to enjoy it. I don’t know what you did but clearly
you hurt him and that’s a first that I’ve ever seen. You need to
get dressed. He’s waiting on you. But first, I have something that
will help.”

She fetched me a
glass of water from the bathroom and put three pills in the palm of
my hand.

“
What
is this?”

“
Ibuprofen. It will make sitting more comfortable.”

“
Can’t
you go in my place?”

“
Don’t
be silly. Maybe he’ll try to make it up to you.”

“
That
would be impossible.”

I swallowed the
pills.

* * *

We rode in
silence to Marcello’s R
i
st
o
rant
e
.
Sitting on my hip because of the discomfort of my abuse, I also
angled myself away from him toward the window. I dreaded going into
the restaurant and spending any more time with him. When we
arrived, Marcello got out and I waited as he circled around to open
my door. He took me by the arm, helping me up and leading me to the
front of Marcello’s. I could tell that the employees had prior
knowledge of our arrival. Several of them gave me knowing looks. I
wondered if they remembered me from the whipping that Luke had
administered in the back of the kitchen or if they were simply
aware of Marcello’s proclivities and what my accompanying him might
mean.

We were promptly
led to a table for two in a section that remained closed to other
lunch guests. My chair had an extra cushion on it and I wondered
what the person who had placed it there knew. I gently lowered
myself onto the seat. They served us sangria and garlic bread a
moment later.

“
Good
service,” I said. I shook my head, angry at myself for breaking the
silence. I quickly looked away.

“
Only
the best,” he said.

He reached across
the table and tilted my head back toward him. I glanced in his
direction, wondering what he wanted now. His touch and longing gaze
broke through my anger. I was frustrated with myself for feeling
anything for him. My body had chosen to cross back over the
line.

“
What
do you want from me?” I finally said.

“
You
know what I want,” he said, putting his hand back in his
lap.

“
That
you cannot have, not ever,” I said. I looked down and straightened
the cloth napkin.

“
Oh,
but I
will
have you and sooner than you think.” He took a
sip of his drink, never taking his eyes from mine.

“
What
is with all of you, projecting your desired outcome as if it’s a
foregone conclusion?” I said in a harsh whisper. I placed my hands
on the table beside my plate. “I … am … in …
love … with
Luke
. I want to be with him, live with him,
love him.”

“
We
just know him far better than you do, Jane. He doesn’t sustain
relationships.”

“
That
doesn’t mean I will end up with you or Janice, or anyone else just
merely because you will it. What could you possibly know about me
that would make you want me so much anyway? Do I have ‘submissive’
tattooed on my forehead? Is that what makes you all so crazy to
possess me? I don’t get it.” I put my hands back in my lap and
looked down. I was weary of his penetrating gaze.

“
Jane,
look at me,” he said, his voice deep with feeling. “
Now
,
please.”

I looked up to
see a fierce expression on his face but couldn’t decipher its
meaning.

“
Just
because you can’t see your own value doesn’t mean we can’t see
it.”

I dropped my
shoulders and sighed. “Marcello, you don’t know me. You can’t
possibly, because I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“
I can
help you sort it out if you give me the chance. I truly don’t
believe Luke can give you what you need. If I did, I would back
off.”

We sat in silence
as I watched him place a piece of garlic bread on his plate and
pull off a chunk to eat. My anger toward Marcello still festered
but I could also feel myself thawing. My anger at Luke, however,
remained strong and fierce. I couldn’t help wonder what I had done
to upset Marcello. As far as I could tell he had a steel
constitution.

“
What
happened?” I said.

“
What
do you mean?”

“
Are
we going to play it like that or are you going to tell
me?”

A waitress placed
a plate of calamari and marinara sauce between us, interrupting the
conversation.

Once she left the
room and we were alone again I said, “So … are you going to tell
me?”

“
You
said his name,” Marcello said and then looked away. He placed some
calamari on his plate and spooned sauce over it.

“
Whose
name?”

He looked back at
me with a look that said
guess
.

“
Luke?” I paused. “You must be mistaken; he was the furthest
thing from my mind.”

“
Furthest or closest, you said his name, clear as
day.”

“
Oh my
god,” I said. “But … but why did that make you so
angry?”

“
You
must not understand men or their egos very well.”

“
Hmm.
I’m sure I would be furious if Luke said ‘Janice’ while we were
making love or even fucking so I get that part. But what am I to
you
that
it
should
matter? Seems like an overly
extreme response.”

“
I’ll
let you think on that yourself for a while.”

We ate in silence
for a few minutes and then I said, “Do you really care about
Janice?”

“
Of
course I do.”

“
You
confuse me to no end. I don’t understand you at all.”

“
It
takes time to truly know another person.”

“
Yeah,
and it helps if you know yourself, I guess.”

“
Perfettamente
. I know myself very well,
Jane.”

“
I
assumed. I wasn’t talking about you, I was talking about
me.”

“
I
don’t think your issue is not knowing yourself, it’s more about
accepting what you have already figured out.”

“
I can
see why you chose Janice; you both think alike.”

“
She
chose me.”

“
How
do you mean?”

“
She
pursued this arrangement with me.”

“
But
she spent time with you when she was with Luke. Right?”

“
Yes,
so?”

“
I
just thought ...”

“
You
just thought I make a habit of acquiring Luke’s women.”

“
Yeah,
actually.”

“
Janice came to me, pleaded with me. I’ve taken her on for a
trial basis. So far it’s going well. I care for her … she
cares for me.”

“
Oh,”
I said. “I have another question ...”

“
Sure,
go ahead,” Marcello said.

“
What
do you have on Luke? What is it between you two?”

He laughed. “I
don’t have anything ‘on’ Luke, as you say. We go way back and I was
a mentor of sorts. That’s all.”

“
You
are more forthcoming with answers.”

“
I
have nothing to hide and Luke just requires more time to get to
know. He’s a good man, Jane, just not the man for you.”

“
Why
do you say such things?” I threw my hands in the air.

“
Look,
time will tell one way or the other but in the long run you will
see that I am right.”

“
I
don’t think so.”

“
Well
maybe not, but for now let’s at least enjoy this meal
together.”

We sat in silence
until the server placed our lunches in front of us.

“
How
did you learn to speak Italian?” I asked
, taking
another bite of the spinach
manicotti.

“
From
my grandfather.”

“
What
was he like?”

Marcello wiped
his mouth and said, “Both
Nanno
and
Nanna
were brave
people. They fled Italy right after World War II and brought my
father with them to this country. They struggled like so many
others to make it in the states. They finally opened up an
authentic Italian restaurant in New York and managed to make ends
meet.”

“
And
your mother and father?”

“
My
mother is not nearly as scary as
yours
,” he said
,
and we both enjoyed a laughed
together. “She is a wonderful woman who put up with my father far
too long. She still lives in New York and I travel there regularly
to see her.

“
My
father? He never seemed to find his place and at some point my
grandfather cut him off completely.
Nanno
nevertheless took
me under his wing and taught me everything about owning and running
a restaurant and eventually a handful of them. My grandfather was a
gentle man who ruled with an iron fist. I learned early on not to
step out of line.”

“
That’s very interesting. So, I guess discipline has always
been a big part of your life,” I said, smiling. I reached for a
piece of the garlic bread from the basket Marcello held out for
me.

Although I had
dreaded the lunch date, I ultimately found it enlightening. He gave
me a tour of the restaurant and I could see he took great pride in
his accomplishments.

We arrived back
at the house late in the afternoon stuffed to the gills with
wonderful pasta and parmesan. He brought me over to the couch and
we sat close together. He cupped his hand behind my head and
brought my mouth to his. His kiss opened me up and exposed me again
to the vulnerability he had awakened within me. He rotated to face
me and pulled my legs over his lap.

“
Ow,”
I said, my butt and legs speaking to me. The ibuprofen was wearing
off.

“
Is
this going to be okay for you?”

“
Um,
maybe,” I said as I shifted uncomfortably.

We sat angled
toward each other, just looking into each other’s eyes.

Marcello placed
his hand underneath my hair and as he started massaging my neck, he
said, “I never apologize for anything—I see it as asking permission
after the fact—and I personally don’t believe in apologies from
anyone else. We make choices and we live with the consequences of
those choices. I do however believe in regret. And I do regret my
reaction earlier today and what it has cost us both.”

“
Hmm.
I’m pretty sure the cost was greater for me than for
you.”

“
I do
have a temper that those involved with me have to contend
with.”

“
That’s something for Janice to contend with, as I am out of
your firing range after today.”

“
For a
time anyway,” he said. He lowered his mouth to mine again and
carried me away to the place where my mind could not follow. I
luxuriated in the expertise of his mouth and tongue. I journeyed to
the place where he alone could take me, away from my jumbled
thoughts and emotions.

We pulled apart
and he hugged me to him.

“
Luke
called earlier and would like you home tonight.”

“
Oh?”
I said. I should’ve been jumping for joy but something in me
dropped and the anxiety that had been kept at bay
returned.

“
I
will see you again,” he said, taking my face in his hands and
kissing me.

I left without
saying goodbye to Janice and I felt a loss in leaving her as well.
I wanted to be excited about going home, but so much remained for
Luke and me to sort through.

I waited in
Marcello’s room as he and Luke conferred in the living room. I
anxiously paced, but only as fast as my abused body would allow,
wondering what they could be discussing. I didn’t see Marcello
again as we departed. Luke and I left the house together and drove
home in silence.

I thought of
everything I wanted to say and ask. I practiced the questions in my
head. I wished I could write it all out, maybe even send Luke an
email with my thoughts. Instead, as we entered the house, he spun
me to face him and enfolded me in his arms. I breathed deeply into
the hug, melting in his embrace.