My Boyfriend is a Monster (14 page)

Leading Nathan to the tea station Todd decided to remind Martin of a thing or two. “And it was I who took out your cupcakes and it was I who washed them.” Going to say something Todd beat his self-proclaimed better half to the punch. “The pans smart ass, I washed the pans.” Sitting Nathan down he noticed Martin walking away smirking. “So if anyone is Lazy, it’d be you and if I hear any more lip I’ll kick your Latin ass all the way back to El De - where ever the hell it is you came from,” he said grabbing a towel and snapping it at his ass.

“Aieee,” Martin squealed in surprise.

“Comprende Amigo?”

“Si Novio,” he said blowing him a kiss before returning to the kitchen.

“Good, now let the girl work,” he said giving her a wink and smirk as she passed him.

“Ok. Who wants tea?” Lily asked arriving at her counter.

Leaning forward Nathan raised his hand and stated the obvious. “That’d be me Miss. Please and thank you.”

Heading back to the sound of old ladies gossiping Todd turned back towards the tea counter. “That is Nathan, Nathan Caesar. You made tea for his friend yesterday. You know, the Cajun fella.”

“Louis,” she recalled.

“He’s the gentlemen renting from Florida, you know . . . the one renting from Florida,” Todd botched trying to be sly
but only making her blush.

Looking to see if Nathan caught on to Todd’s ability to idiotize the entire moment she saw him smile and suddenly became over whelmed. “So,
Louis is ...” she waited desperately trying to appear normal.

He smiled embarrassedly. “I was just apologizing for anything my brother may have-”

“He was actually kinda sweet,” she interrupted gaining her composure. “Brother?”

“Adopted,” he said wondering if that made him sound as if he was making an excuse.

“Of course,” she said holding her hand out.

“You can tell?”

“You don’t have an accent.”

“Right,” he smiled again.

Her heart started to race as she fought off the strangest urge to just lightly touch his lips. “Um, besides, no, he was fine.”

“Good,” he said a bit relieved since he heard it from more than one person now.

“Ok,” she said trying to prepare herself to not say or do anything stupid in front of the most gorgeous man she has ever met. Slapping her hands together and rubbing them she realized she had already failed.
Shit
, she thought.

“I was actually wondering if you knew how to make a golden monkey black tea,” he tested.

“Please,” she laughed with a tone that bordered on insane.
Two epic fails
, she thought again and started to grab all the ingredients placing them on her table. “I thought you were going to ask for something difficult,” she said starting the burner and pouring the water into the kettle.

Looking over the ingredients he started to worry a little. “Honey,” he said not seeing it.

“Excuse me?” she asked starting to grab little bits of leaves and spices.

“I would like some honey in-”

“Umm, I don’t think so,” she argued lightly and regretting it immediately.
Good Lily, three for three, at least your batting a thousand
, she thought with a dash of disdain.

“I’m not trying to tell you how to make your tea,” he insisted.

She just could not help herself. “But you kind of are,” she said deciding to stop keeping track.

“It’s just yesterday’s tea was almost perfect.”

“Almost,” she snapped then recouped with an awkward smile.
What’s that, five? Six?

“I mean, it was really, really good.”

Raising her eyebrows she stood confused hoping the burner would hurry up and do what it was manufactured to do.

Seeing it on her face he knew he had to try and fix it. “No, it was fantastic. . . I can’t make it that good,” he pleaded trying to dig out of the hole.

Suddenly a giant honey pot appeared on the table with Lily leaning over it smiling. “Let’s see if we can’t make it perfect today,” she compromised then assured him. “With a tiny bit of honey, of course.”

Instantly liking her he smiled back agreeing. Thinking if she was consistent with making the most amazing tea he had ever had he just might have to marry her. Watching her prepare the ingredients and heat the pot until the steam bellowed out of the spout he was actually enjoying himself. Dumping the scolding water she placed the sack of leaves and spices in the empty pot. Noticing he was about to ask she quickly answered, “Moisture.”

“Moisture,” he repeated while learning.

“That’s where you’re probably making your mistake.”

He wasn’t sure if he liked that she just insinuated he was making mistakes. He preferred to think of it as her way of making tea a more complex alternative.

She continued to explain. “The sack is dry-”

“Ha,” Todd blurted out half way across the store.

“Real mature,” she called out hearing the rest of the ladies at his table giggle. Turning back to the task at hand she continued to expla
in. “It’s dry when you’re putting it into the pot right,” she said and waited for him to nod. “Let it moisten in the first pot, like letting the pours open. It’s like getting the tea naked before it goes into the boiling water. This way you’re not trying to coax the flavor out once it’s in by pressing on it. It’ll just flow out all on its own,” she said lifting her head and seeing him in thought. Deciding to playfully jab at him she snapped her fingers. “Hey,” she said abruptly directing his eyes away from the tea bag to her. “Its tea, it’s not skinny dipping.”

“I didn’t say it was,” he stumbled.

Suddenly Lily felt awkwardly bad. “I am so - sorry, I didn’t mean that in a perverted way, I was . . .” She was lost. “I was just trying to be funny.”

“I know,” he said smirking.

Lily waited a second to make sure. Seeing it on his face she laughed. “You jerk,” she said hoping her laughs were sexier than the snorts she was dishing out earlier.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.”

“Nice, you’ll fit in fine around here,” she said giving him a small but inviting grin.

Feeling the heat rushing to his cheeks and forehead he was positive he was turnin
g red. He could not be sure because his back was turned to them, but he wondered if the whole store was staring, he was almost certain they were.

Walking by with a tray of coffee and desserts for a table Martin nudged him. “My friend, if she keeps bugging you lik
e that, we have a 12 gauge that has many uses,” he said giving Nathan a quick wink.

“Vete ala mierda,” Lily said in response.

Martin started to laugh as he unloaded his tray. “Very good pronunciation Lily, I don’t know what – Go wing shit means, but pronunciation is, fantastico, muy Bueno.”

“Dammit,” she said trying to remember how it went.

Saving him twice now Nathan was indeed indebted.

Passing by the other way Todd stopped and
decided to interpret for Nathan. “She botched it. She was trying to tell him to fuck off in Spanish, and despite her screwing it up he thought her pronunciation was fantastic.” Shaking his head he returned to his counter. “Like having children.”

Turning back to her he immediately got caught up in her smile and thought it was cute that she tried avoiding eye contact. The subtle twitches and nervousness she displayed told him she was avoiding direct eye contact because if she did he would see the crush that was mounting in them.

“He’s been teaching me Spanish,” she said looking up from the table shyly. “He won’t teach me the bad words though. I have to Google them.”

Noticing they were a big family here and all were invited in to be a part
of it for as long as you wanted, made him feel a little more relaxed.

“So Mr. Caesar, are you of Roman decent or any relation to, you know the original?”

“Guiles Julius Caesar,” he guessed.

Lily started to chuckle. “Yeah, that guy,” she said while dumping some unmarked spice onto a pile of leaves and twigs.

“Well first of all, the name Caesar was already ancient and highly respected before Guiles came along. The suffix –ar was highly unusual in the Latin language, which means it is highly likely the Caesars’s origin is that of non-Latin. So it wouldn’t be truly Roman. . .” he trailed off. Realizing how much of a book worm he was coming across he finished quietly. “Originally that is.” He sat disheartened as Lily continued making his Monkey tea. “I’m sorry. I just took us to a whole new level of boredom,” he said breaking his own silence.

“No . . . maybe,” she giggled.

This didn’t make him feel any better. “Sorry, I sometimes get wrapped up in history.”

“Ooh, I love history,” Todd said out of nowhere as if eavesdropping.

“Si,” Martin agreed causing Nathan to wonder who was going to pop by next. “We have the history channel and everything,” he added nudging him again.

Turning to Martin Todd h
eld his arms out in a kind of “Are you kidding me” motion. “Seriously, I love history. I read it all the time.”

“Really, Dr. Seuss makes history books now?” Martin wondered sarcastically giving the other tables close by a laugh.

Mockingly Todd laughed along with them then turned to Nathan with a deadpan look. “I do watch the history channel. And,” he wanted to emphasize. “I do read as well.”

“I love the history channel,” Nathan said trying to help.

“I also like the discovery channel.”

“Another, good one,” he agreed.

Waiting for the second kettle to boil Lily mentally willed him to leave but Todd just stood at the table seemingly torn.

Finally he broke down. “Ok. I like reality TV,” Todd said taking a long deep breath and exhaling. “It’s like crack. Once you start watching it you can’t stop. Like right now, I really want to know what the Kardashians are doing. What’s Honey Boo-Boo up too, you know?” he
asked. “Fat little white trash cabbage patch mother fucker,” he said waving his hands in front of his face looking for others who faced this addiction, but no one was stepping forward.

Shaking his head Nathan felt bad that he could not sympathize because he had no idea who any of those people Todd just named were.

“What are the Real Housewives going to do next? Which bitches is I talking about you ask? It doesn’t even matter – see,” he pleaded. “As long as some of them are doing something bitchy,” he said pulling up a chair beside him and slumping over. “I’m sick.” Then he pondered. “No it’s a sickness. Which means it’s not my fault,” he said but inside he knew it was a lie.

“As long as you like it,” Nathan offered.

“I would love to have a coffee with Snooki,” he admitted with a hint of terror on his face.

“Really?” she asked
from the fringe of his madness.

“What is a . . . Snooki?” Nathan asked wondering if it was something you put in coffee.

Looking at them as if he was breaking down at an intervention and finally realizing he was an addict Todd blurted. “I love anything teen. TV, movies, books it doesn’t matter, I’m a whore.”

“I don’t think that makes you a wh
ore,” he said failing to see his logic.

Todd slowly raised his hand in the stop position. “I would rather watch a John Hughes movie I’d seen a hundred times then make love to my man,” he confessed.

The two of them responded at the same time. “Really,” he said intrigued, Lily surprised.

“No
,” he admitted. “But I love’em, so much.”

“Martin?” Nathan asked a little confused.

“No . . . Teen movies, YA books and shit, aren’t you listening to the pain I am projecting?”

“Sorry.”

“It’s ok,” Todd said patting him on the back.

Trying to flirt with the non-gay sitting at the table she decided to give it a
second try and mentally will Todd away again.

Meanwhile Nathan was still trying to be sympathetic. “Lots of people love watching teen shows and movies.”

“Yeah,” he agreed pausing. “Fucking Teens, that’s who,” he said turning away ashamed. “The irony is I can’t stand actual teenagers, their all Frittatas.”

Having very little experience in regular television and none in reality, Nathan tried to call upon anything in his vast experiences that might help. Living for over two centuries and having super powers was no help against the reality television addiction that seemed to be reaching epidemic levels around the world.

Todd however was already moving on to the next stage. “Maybe that’s why women have children. Sure you have to start off with Sesame Street and Sponge Bob but eventually they get older. Then you have an excuse to watch teen shows again,” he said coming to a realization. “That’s it.”

“No its not” Martin cut short appearing behind him.

Without paying attention to his partners comment, Todd grabbed a cupcake from Martin’s tray that was obviously not intended for him and began eating it.