My Dating Disasters Diary (6 page)

Couldn't help being impressed. Imagine having a
boyfriend who's that old and has a real full-time job.

Liz's dad is not impressed though. He says the whole
Campbell family – father, mother and seven kids – are a
bunch of dodgy chancers, every last one of them, and
besides, sixteen is too old and there is no way Liz will be
allowed to go out with Peter.

Of course this means Liz will have to keep the whole
thing secret from her parents, like Romeo and Juliet. As
she said, it made everything so much more exciting and
romantic.

Liz is out on her date with Peter, although she told her
parents she's at the pictures with me. She's not the only
one out with her boyfriend – nearly everyone I know has
a boyfriend now.

Called Chris but he said he was too busy to come over.

When I asked what he was doing he was really vague
about it and quickly got off the phone.

Hmm. This wasn't like Chris. Just know he's hiding
something from me. But why? Hope Chris isn't going to
be one more friend who grows up and is no fun any more.

Wish people would just stay the same and never
change. Like me.

Chris's friend Gary walked home with Liz and me today,
which is pretty unusual as he lives in the opposite
direction from us. After Liz went into her house and it
was just Gary and me, the reason for this sudden
friendliness became obvious.

'So how's your pal Rebecca these days?' Gary said.
'You two still go to ballet classes together?'

'She's fine,' I said suspiciously. 'And no, I stopped
going to ballet five years ago. Refused to wear that stupid
tutu. You know Rebecca packed it in two years ago too.'

'Oh yeah, forgot. So, I was wondering, is Rebecca seeing
anyone these days? Just curious.'

'Not since she chucked Adam. Why?'

'No reason. It's just, well, she's a really nice girl, that's
all. Nice legs too. Fantastic bum. Oh, and, um, great
personality. That's what I really like about her.'

'Sorry, Gary, don't think she fancies you.'

'Who said anything about fancying? Just want to be
friends. Get to know her.'

'Yeah, right.'

'C'mon, Kelly Ann. Help me out here. I'm sure if she
got to meet me out of school – you know, in a more sort
of social, relaxed kind of place, like my house for instance
– and if she could see me out of this naff uniform, bet I
could change her mind.'

'No way.'

Rebecca and I are going over to Gary's house to watch a
special edition of the
Dirty Dancing
DVD which he told us
contains material never seen before and interviews with
the actors. Rebecca couldn't resist as it's her favourite film
of all time. Mine too actually – I love the dancing in it. So
does Rebecca, but the main reason she likes it is that she
thinks Patrick Swayze looked really hot in it.

God, Gary must be keen on Rebecca to get this movie
for us. He normally watches stuff like
Fight Club
and
kung fu action movies and his friends have been slagging
him off all week.

I hoped for Gary's sake it would be worthwhile.

Thought he might have a chance as he's not bad looking and
I know Rebecca likes guys who dress right so maybe she'll fancy Gary when
she sees him wearing the new K-Swiss trainers and Levi's he bought last week.

We got to Gary's at seven. Couldn't believe my eyes when
he answered the door. He'd no shoes on and his long toes
poked out from skinny jeans so tight they clung to his
ankles, thighs and bum like cling film. Gross. But even
worse than this was his top. A white vest. No, really – a
tight white vest made of thin cotton so that you could see
his nipples. I mean, really, who wants to see them? Have
never seen the point of boys' nipples anyway.

He'd also done something stupid to his normally
straight hair: it had a huge wave in the middle which
flopped at us as he nodded a welcoming, 'Hi, girls.'
Though compared to the jeans and the vest it hardly
mattered.

I think he might have been trying to look like Patrick
Swayze – he knows Rebecca has a thing about him – but,
as she whispered to me as we made our way upstairs, 'Oh
my God, he looks like a rent boy.'

Didn't really enjoy the film as I was too mortified for
Gary, who seemed to imagine he'd made an impression
on Rebecca. He had, but not in a good way. Especially
when he got up and tried to imitate Patrick Swayze
dancing. Gary can't dance like Patrick Swayze. In fact,
Gary can't dance at all, which was embarrassing enough,
but when he tried to do a particularly energetic jumpand-
twist manoeuvre and his tight jeans split up the back
to reveal red boxers I thought even someone like Gary
would never recover from the humiliation.

I was wrong. Rebecca nearly wet herself laughing but
Gary just smiled and bowed before going off to get
changed into his Levi's.

Rebecca's dad picked her up about ten but I stayed on
for a few minutes, intending to ask Gary why on earth
he'd made such an idiot of himself.

However, as soon as she'd left Gary turned to me and
said, 'Thought that went really well tonight. Make a girl
laugh and you're halfway there.'

I opened my mouth to explain how totally wrong he
was but then closed it again. He'd find out soon enough.

Gary called round today and asked me to find out if
Rebecca might be interested in going out with him.

'Why don't you ask her yourself?' I grumped.

'I would, but, erm, I thought it might be better coming
from you. You can maybe talk me up a bit first. Say what
a great guy I am when you get to know me. That kind of
thing.'

'Lie to a friend, you mean.'

Gary laughed. 'Lie
for
a friend.'

Although I knew it was useless, I phoned Rebecca
later.

'So what do you think of Gary?' I asked. 'I know he
was a bit of an idiot on Friday but he's really—'

'Oh, Gary's a laugh but I don't fancy him,' Rebecca
interrupted. 'Actually it's his friend Ian I really like. Do
you think I've any chance with him?'

'Hmm, I, erm, don't know,' I lied.

Know for a fact she's wasting her time. Ian, who's six
foot three, is always complaining he can't find a girl tall
enough for him and won't look at any girl under five foot
ten. Rebecca is five foot. Enough said. God, things were
much easier when we were all at primary school and no
one fancied anyone.

Was chatting to Michael in the chip-shop queue. He's got
an audition for a part in a TV commercial and didn't
know whether he should go or not.

'I don't know, Kelly Ann. I want to be a serious actor
one day. Maybe this wouldn't be a good move.'

I thought getting on TV was totally cool even if it was
just a commercial and was telling him so when I heard a
familiar voice behind me say, 'Hiya, Kelly Ann.'

Shelly. And smiling at me like we were best pals.

I just sneered at her. Suppose Michael must have
found my silence awkward because when I didn't reply
he looked at Shelly and said politely, 'Hi, how's it going?'

I expected Shelly to get right in there, chatting him up,
but to my surprise she just stammered, 'Aayah-sh-sh. I,
um, dunno . . . um, yeah.'

Her face had gone all red and blotchy. Then, when she
tried to talk again, all she could manage by way of
conversation was a few more high-pitched strangled
squeaks which sounded like a mouse being garrotted.
Not that I've ever heard a mouse being garrotted but,
well, if I had it would probably have sounded like Shelly.

It was weird the way Shelly got all shy and stupid
around Michael, but maybe even queen bitches like her
lose their cool when confronted with someone as totally
gorgeous as him. Suppose one of the few good things
about being a flat-chested brunette like me is that boys
like him are so totally out of my league it doesn't matter
what I say or do. So I can just be, like, totally cool about
it.

Liz has decided that it's definitely time I had a boyfriend
and snogged someone. It would finally kill all the
rumours about me being gay, so annoy Shelly, and it
would be good for my psychosocial development, whatever
that is.

She says the new boy William who started in
January has told his friend Dave, who told Gary, who told
Beth and Melissa, who told Liz, that he fancies me.

Hmm, William. He's a bit freckly and thin, but not
totally ugly, so I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with
him. Don't know that I really want to snog him though,
but I suppose I could manage it if I closed my eyes and
thought about something else. It's not as though he's so
ugly I'd throw up or anything. Anyway, as Liz says, I
don't have to marry him and have his kids, I just have to
be seen snogging him a few times, and I think I could
manage that.

Yeah. Told Liz OK, I'd do it.

Liz spotted him in the corridors at break time heading
towards the boys' toilets. 'Quick, Kelly Ann, he's on his
own and if you hurry you could catch him.'

I ran off after him and managed to reach him just
before he got to the door. I grabbed him by the arm. He
turned round, startled, then stepped back away from me
until he was right against the wall. I moved closer and
smiled in what I hoped was an attractive and reassuring
manner but felt my expression turn into a grimace as I
became aware of the more-than-slight pong that always
seems to hang about the entrance to the boys' toilets.
Decided to come straight to the point: 'My friend Liz says
you like me.'

He flushed but didn't deny it, mumbling something
which sounded a bit like, yeah, he thought I was OK. That
would have to do.

'So do you want to be my boyfriend then?'

He looked from side to side – I suppose to check if anyone
was nosing in on our conversation – then said quietly,
'Erm, well maybe. I don't know.'

This didn't sound too promising and wasn't what Liz
had made me think. She'd told me he was dead keen.
'What's
maybe
supposed to mean? Aren't you sure? Why
not?'

He held his palms out towards me defensively. 'No
offence, Kelly Ann, it's just I'm not certain whether we're
suited or not.'

Hmm, wondered what he'd been hearing about me.
Maybe Shelly and her lot had got to him already, spreading
their poison. 'I'm not a lesbian if that's what you
think. You really shouldn't believe everything you read in
the girls' toilets, you know.'

A couple of first-year boys passed behind me on their
way into the toilets and looked at us curiously, so I
bawled at them to get lost and stop being so nosy before
fixing my smile back in place and trying not to breathe
through my nose.

William put his hands back down, then stared at me
strangely. 'I don't read stuff in the girls' toilets.'

'No, well, I suppose not, but anyway, I'm definitely not
gay just so you know.'

'Right. Good. But, er, maybe we should get to know
each other first before deciding whether we'd like to be
boyfriend and girlfriend. OK?'

'Well, all right. What do you want to know?'

'Um, I'm not sure exactly. Look, could I go to the toilet
now?
Please
?'

Glanced over at Liz, who was smiling encouragement
at me but also pointing to her watch. William was trying
to sidle past me, but obviously I couldn't let him go without
getting something definite arranged to report to Liz,
so I stayed right in front of him and put my arm against
the wall to his right, blocking his way.

'The thing is,' I explained, 'it's not that important. I
mean, we're not getting married or anything. We don't
have to go out for long – just a week or two maybe, and
then we can split. You can say you dumped me if you like,
although I'd kinda rather you didn't. Maybe we
could just say it was sort of mutual and we just drifted
apart.'

'Well, I hadn't really thought about splitting up since
we're not actually going out together yet. And I still
think we need to know a bit about each other first.'

He said
yet
. This was more like it. 'So,' I said again,
'what do you want to know?'

'Look, Kelly Ann,' he said, sounding a bit desperate,
'I'll meet you after school. OK? We'll talk then.'

'Fine,' I agreed happily. 'Where should we meet? Here
maybe? Hmm, perhaps not. A bit pongy. At the school
gates? Nah, too crowded. What about across the road by
the park entrance?'

'Anywhere, I don't care,' he kind of squeaked, clutching
himself now. Bloody hell, he must have a weak
bladder or something. Decided I'd better let him go
before he embarrassed both of us. There was no way I
could date a boy who still had 'accidents' after all.

I took my arm away from the wall and he raced into
the loo. I shouted after him, 'Four o'clock by the park
gates then!'

'Yeah, OK, see ya,' chorused some boys from the loos.
By the sounds of their high reedy voices, probably the
first years who'd been gawping at us a minute ago.

Ignored them and made my way back to Liz, giving her the thumbs-up
sign and smiling. Yes, job done!

Met him at the park entrance as promised, though he took
a while getting there and must have gone at the pace of
an arthritic tree sloth. He was probably nervous. Maybe,
just like me, this was the first time he'd done this kind of
thing. I suggested we go for a walk in the park as it wasn't
raining and there were loads of frogs in the pond last time
I looked. Maybe we could catch some.

As we walked I chatted away quite easily to him as I'm
used to boys' company. 'Last time I was here I caught
twelve frogs – two were really big ones. I put them all
back in the water of course, but one of them got eaten by
a seagull as soon as I let him go. He was called Freddie –
he was my favourite. The frog, that is, not the seagull.
Maybe I should have taken him home after all but the last
time I took frogs home Mum freaked out when she saw
them in the bath and made me take them back. Two
escaped on the way. One jumped down a drain but the
other got knocked down on the road. It's quite a
dangerous life frogs have, isn't it? They're not very tough
with their soft squidgy bodies. But being a tadpole is
worse, I suppose. Then again, not many tadpoles get
knocked down on the road.'

He'd been a bit quiet during all this. Maybe he was shy
with girls. Or maybe he was having trouble getting a
word in edgeways as it's true I do go on a bit sometimes
– not that I'm the Bionic Mouth like Mum says, but when
I'm interested in stuff I just like to express myself. What's
wrong with that? Besides, if he was shy, then my talking
would put him at ease so there would be no awkward
silences.

Finally he said, 'I'm not that interested in frogs.'

'Oh, right, OK then. Want to climb the tree by the
bench? Race you.'

I sped off and after a pause he ran after me but he was
pretty slow and I had a head start so I reached the tree
way before him, scrambled up, then sat on a branch to
wait for him.